I want him back

[Aussie027]

So this is a little bit of a long story, so bear with me please. I am a gay man (27) who was recently in a relationship with my first boyfriend (36).

 

I am from Australia and was recently in the US on a scholarship for my PhD. I met a Brazilian guy who lives in the US. At first it was pretty casual and we just used to meet up to makeout. But then we started to meet to do more than just makeout, including going out for meals and to watch movies together. Eventually, he started coming over to my house and we'd have meals together, watch movies, etc. At some point our relationship moved from casual to dating. We ended up dating for about 4 months. I very recently had to come back to Australia because my scholarship ended. I have submitted my PhD and have been offered a job in the same local area, which is set to start the beginning of March next year. A big part of me wanting to come back to the area for work was to be with him.

 

Well, as I said, I recently left and after about a week of me being back home, we had a phone call where he said he wanted to breakup. I won't go into all the details, but he is currently struggling with whether he wants to be in a same sex relationship. He is Mormon (as is his family) and he is not publically out. I am his first boyfriend (and he mine) and I think he realised he didn't want to be in a same sex relationship without being out because he didn't think it fair on either of us. I agree with him on this and I found it hard to be with him somtimes because we couldn't be affectionate in public or around certain people. His main concern is he wants to come out to his family (who live in Brazil) but doesn't know if he feels ready to do it yet. The other thing is is he is still wondering whether he is bi (he had three female fiancés in the past, all of which he broke it off with before he married). He told me he doesn't know if he could ever be with a woman sexually as he's never had sex with one. 

 

I am coming back to the same place at the beginning of January for a vacation before I begin working in March (I'll be returning to Australia after my vacation before starting work). I told him that we should have a serious discussion about whether we can get back together when I come in January and he has promised to give some serious thought about his personal problems and how it relates to having a relationship with me (i.e., a same sex one). I have told him that I want to have little to no contact during this month I'm in Australia (based on the no contact rule; though I didn't tell him this is the reason why). He agreed but said I can text or call when ever I want (I don't know if this means he wants me to?).

 

To summarise, we are broken up and are going to keep contact to a minimum this month. I want to know what I should be doing in this time to try and help bring our relationship back. I know I can't force it and that he's got to figure some stuff out. It just hurts so much to be split from him because I felt genuinely in love with him and could see a future together with him.

Edited December 5, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Alpacalia]

The situation is too messy. Take care of your career first.

In either case, it’s a blessing because your boat is moving in the direction towards the relationship you want. It will either be with him or with someone even better. 

[ShyViolet]

This is something that he has to figure out on his own time, and you need to give him the space to do that.  There's nothing else you can do.  He might decide to get back with you, or he might decide not to.  And you need to just accept his decision whatever it is.  Focus on other things in the meantime.

[glows]

You may be reading or seeing videos about get your ex back schemes using the no contact rule to manipulate someone into missing you. Don’t do that as it isn’t realistic and you’re not being honest with yourself. 

Are you out in terms of your sexuality to friends and family? What you really ought to be thinking about are your huge differences in experience in the gay dating realm. He is just starting out and doesn’t even know if he sees himself with a gay partner long term. You may be established in your sexuality and this isn’t your first gay relationship. 

Use the time now in Dec and ask yourself if you’re compatible as it doesn’t look like it here. You may always be questioning his sincerity for getting back together even if he does agree or break up with you again not having come out. Right now your heart is torn in many emotions and none of them feel good. Don’t get so wrapped up with these that you forget you’re both on completely different wavelengths. Seeking to manipulate or force someone to like you never ends well.

You may also use this as a learning experience for yourself not to date anyone who isn’t out yet or someone who doesn’t know what their identity or sexuality is. You know what you are so keep doing you and be around others like you.

[Wiseman2]

21 hours ago, Aussie027 said:

  he is currently struggling with whether he wants to be in a same sex relationship. He is Mormon  and he is not publically out. I

Sorry this is happening, but he doesn't want what you want. You seem to want a relationship but he seems to want a down-low situation because of not being openly gay.

[JTSW]

All you can really do OP is give him the space he needs so he can figure out what he wants.

Be there for him as his friend if nothing else.

You can offer your support for a confusing time in his life.

I really hope it all works out.

[Aussie027]

2 hours ago, JTSW said:

All you can really do OP is give him the space he needs so he can figure out what he wants.

Be there for him as his friend if nothing else.

You can offer your support for a confusing time in his life.

I really hope it all works out.

I've really been thinking that this might be the best move. Even if we don't end up as a couple, I still want to be his friend. I am worried about him as I know he is really stressed our at the moment (for a lot of reasons, not just the ones I mentioned). I think I might be the only one who really understands what he's going through and want to be there for him.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 12/4/2022 at 12:09 PM, Aussie027 said:

I want to know what I should be doing in this time to try and help bring our relationship back

You really can't do anything. 

It hurts, but his problems are unrelated to you and thus out of your hands. He's got a lot to work out in his life, and he will need to do that on his own. I would also caution against trying to remain too friendly right now. Like any break up, you run the risk of getting hurt all over again if he moves on to someone else. Don't make the mistake of assuming it won't happen. 

I would not make plans to see him in January, personally. I think you will find it's far too soon for anything significant to have changed in his life, and it won't really be worth the emotional roller coaster of rehashing everything all over again. 

[glows]

It’s not realistic remaining friends. You want more out of this and were looking to get the relationship back according to your first post. Be careful using friendship as a means to remain in contact or attempting to control or steer a ship that has long since sailed. 

Any ulterior motives aside from pure friendship likely isn’t to end well and will prolong your healing. He is not even sure he wants to be in a gay relationship and it holds you back from moving on. Date someone or be there for someone more on your wavelength.

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Aussie027 said:

I've really been thinking that this might be the best move. Even if we don't end up as a couple, I still want to be his friend. I am worried about him as I know he is really stressed our at the moment (for a lot of reasons, not just the ones I mentioned). I think I might be the only one who really understands what he's going through and want to be there for him.

You can unconditionally support him from afar (in your mind and heart). Even if that means your paths have to part and it takes your life in another direction. Because you want him to be happy, right?

[mark clemson]

You may indeed feel genuinely in love - I have as well, several times in my life. I can tell you that in time you'll get over it. You'll remember having the feelings, but you won't have them anymore. Like ivy growing over a broken pot, you can see there was something there, but the sharp edges are covered over. For most of us, time heals.