I Dislike (nearing Despise) my BF's Sister

[BritishSpartan22]

I am 30, my partner is 35. We have been together for 6 years and moved in together last year. I met my partners sister after being with my partner for 2 years. I will admit, I am a wall flower in situations where I don’t know people well or in new settings. She is much older than me, being 45.
 

Through the years I have grown to know her but I find her to grate me in every social interaction we have. My partner is a laid back sort of person, where she makes every situation about her. Her achievements are better, her social life is better, her house and belongings are better, her general life is much more interesting that anyone else’s in the room. I feel so sorry for my partner, as he is always in the background when it comes to family gatherings and she makes everything about her. We have to go round my partners mum and dads where she and her husband are there, and it’s 5 hours of non stop attention seeking and self centred behaviour.

Recently I invited my mum and dad to our house for Christmas. This would of been our first Christmas in our new home and was looking forward to it. My partner informed his mother we won’t be going to theirs for Christmas and everything was fine. The very next day, his sister marches around our house with the entire family and confronts me why my mum and dad are coming round and why they can’t go round hers… my mum and dad have only met my partners family for one evening and I don’t think spending Christmas Day with people you know is the normal thing. Safe to say my mum and dad reclused and now not coming up and we are, yet again, spending time at her house. How do I navigate this relationship? I go out my way to make sure I am no where near her in any situations but also keep the peace purely for my partner. Am I over reacting?

[FMW]

Your partner should tell his family that the two of you made these plans and that's how it will be.  You can spend Christmas Eve or the day after Christmas with his family (or any other day that you elect to have a family gathering).  It sounds like it's probably too late for that, but both of you, especially him, need to learn to stand up for yourselves and not let the sister have her own way all the time just to keep the peace.  Otherwise, this is your life with him - his sister will always get her way.  Many people trade off from holiday to holiday and year to year to share time with everyone.    

As for the general situation of not liking her, unfortunately there's not a lot you can do about that other than to choose how you react to her. Choose your "battles".  Christmas with your family is one of them that you should choose.  And by battle, I mean respectfully but firmly standing up for yourselves and your own choices.  But in a lot of situations I think it's best to just learn to deal with her.  Many family gatherings (including some of my own) are made stressful or less than enjoyable by certain relatives.  Unless your gatherings with her are frequent, you can learn to deal with it.  This is probably a family dynamic that's existed for most of her 45 years.  It's not going to change and you don't want to cause unnecessary stress for your partner by trying to change everything.  But don't let her have the final say so on YOUR family gatherings.  

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, BritishSpartan22 said:

  The very next day, his sister marches around our house with the entire family and confronts me why my mum and dad are coming round and why they can’t go round hers… my mum and dad have only met my partners family for one evening and I don’t think spending Christmas Day with people you know is the normal thing. Safe to say my mum and dad reclused and now not coming up and we are, yet again, spending time at her house. 

So you gave in to your partner's sister and changed your plans due to her "confronting" you?  Why????

I absolutely would not have done that.  Her little attempt at "confronting" me would not have gone very well for her, I would have slammed the door in her face and not changed my plans one bit for her.  You need to stand up for yourself better and just ignore her.  If she can't behave like a normal person then stop going to her house.  You are not obligated.

[BritishSpartan22]

1 hour ago, FMW said:

Your partner should tell his family that the two of you made these plans and that's how it will be.  You can spend Christmas Eve or the day after Christmas with his family (or any other day that you elect to have a family gathering).  It sounds like it's probably too late for that, but both of you, especially him, need to learn to stand up for yourselves and not let the sister have her own way all the time just to keep the peace.  Otherwise, this is your life with him - his sister will always get her way.  Many people trade off from holiday to holiday and year to year to share time with everyone.    

As for the general situation of not liking her, unfortunately there's not a lot you can do about that other than to choose how you react to her. Choose your "battles".  Christmas with your family is one of them that you should choose.  And by battle, I mean respectfully but firmly standing up for yourselves and your own choices.  But in a lot of situations I think it's best to just learn to deal with her.  Many family gatherings (including some of my own) are made stressful or less than enjoyable by certain relatives.  Unless your gatherings with her are frequent, you can learn to deal with it.  This is probably a family dynamic that's existed for most of her 45 years.  It's not going to change and you don't want to cause unnecessary stress for your partner by trying to change everything.  But don't let her have the final say so on YOUR family gatherings.  

Thanks FMW. That is my concern, that this family are used to this behaviour as is my partner - so seeing it from outside and knowing it’s wrong is what annoys me. They are a very close family - everything needs to be done together and that is nice to a certain extent. But I am also Welsh, and my partner is English so there is a clash of cultures in that respect that took years to adjust. After the Christmas saga, I have now learnt not to take any b*ll s*** going forward and standing my ground. If anything is said or dictated then I will be voicing my opinion respectfully. Me and my Partner got into a vicious argument over it, but a bit of support from him would of helped. 

[BritishSpartan22]

6 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

So you gave in to your partner's sister and changed your plans due to her "confronting" you?  Why????

I absolutely would not have done that.  Her little attempt at "confronting" me would not have gone very well for her, I would have slammed the door in her face and not changed my plans one bit for her.  You need to stand up for yourself better and just ignore her.  If she can't behave like a normal person then stop going to her house.  You are not obligated.

I was very caught off guard because we had JUST confirmed the plans to the his mum. So the fact she did it infront of a room full of people I was so taken aback and panicked. But I massively regret it. But have learnt my lesson that I am not taking any messing from her, respectfully. It’s just a difficult family dynamic, everything is done together as a family and that is nice to a certain extent, but it infers on my family. I have played over what I said in my head since it happened. But going forward I won’t be letting anything like this slide at all. 

 

1 hour ago, FMW said:

Your partner should tell his family that the two of you made these plans and that's how it will be.  You can spend Christmas Eve or the day after Christmas with his family (or any other day that you elect to have a family gathering).  It sounds like it's probably too late for that, but both of you, especially him, need to learn to stand up for yourselves and not let the sister have her own way all the time just to keep the peace.  Otherwise, this is your life with him - his sister will always get her way.  Many people trade off from holiday to holiday and year to year to share time with everyone.    

As for the general situation of not liking her, unfortunately there's not a lot you can do about that other than to choose how you react to her. Choose your "battles".  Christmas with your family is one of them that you should choose.  And by battle, I mean respectfully but firmly standing up for yourselves and your own choices.  But in a lot of situations I think it's best to just learn to deal with her.  Many family gatherings (including some of my own) are made stressful or less than enjoyable by certain relatives.  Unless your gatherings with her are frequent, you can learn to deal with it.  This is probably a family dynamic that's existed for most of her 45 years.  It's not going to change and you don't want to cause unnecessary stress for your partner by trying to change everything.  But don't let her have the final say so on YOUR family gatherings.  

 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, BritishSpartan22 said:

It’s just a difficult family dynamic, everything is done together as a family and that is nice to a certain extent, but it infers on my family.

This would get on my nerves but some people like that.  This is why people hate the holidays.  I'm thinking of becoming or just telling my family I've become a Jehovah's Witness and no longer celebrate holidays, just to get some peace during the season, LOL.   I think you're doing right to stand your ground.  Good Luck.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, BritishSpartan22 said:

but also keep the peace purely for my partner. Me and my Partner got into a vicious argument over it, but a bit of support from him would of helped. 

Unfortunately your BF is the issue if he won't stand with you on issues. It seems like you are trying too hard to "keep the peace" if he bulldozes over you in favor of his family's whims.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, BritishSpartan22 said:

 Safe to say my mum and dad reclused and now not coming up and we are, yet again, spending time at her house

Wow, no. This was a mistake. 

You need to find your backbone. I would not have withdrawn my invitation from my parents to spend Christmas with me just to make my partner's sister happy. What the heck, girl. I imagine your parents' feelings were hurt when you canceled on them, no?

You can't place all the blame on this woman when you are so quick to concede to her desires, OP. 

[glows]

8 hours ago, BritishSpartan22 said:

Safe to say my mum and dad reclused and now not coming up and we are, yet again, spending time at her house. How do I navigate this relationship? I go out my way to make sure I am no where near her in any situations but also keep the peace purely for my partner. Am I over reacting?

You’re not overreacting but be more assertive in future so you’re not brewing and stewing like this. 

What did your parents say in response when they found out the plans were cancelled? 

There is always the option to spend time with family separately. It’s not ideal but this can’t go on with the idea that you’ll always be conceding to your partner’s family. And sadly this is about your partner as much as it is about his sister if he can’t properly voice his own opinions and be assertive himself about what he wishes during the holidays.

[Stret]

These dynamics are all on your partner. His is a grown man, and not a boy who needs to obey his older sister or his parents. He needs to first and foremost protect you and your relationship. He is the one that allowed this to cause issues between the two of you. His family knew he's a pushover and obedient little boy, so that is how they treat him and his relationship with you. He needs to grow up and stand up to his sister/parents. If he cannot see that what she is doing is wrong, he will never see it and you will have his sister dictating your life for as long as you're with him. He will risk your relationship over this and if it comes to choosing - he will choose her because that's how it always was. When you have kids it will get worse, sister and parents will interfere making your every moment that is supposed to be joyful a living hell. 

I would have probably asked them to leave the house if they acted disrespectfully. Imagine grown adults hanging to their 35 year old manchild instead of being reasonable and understanding that not every Christmas has to be the way they want it, that there is another family involved, and that it is normal for them to want to spend at least one Christmas with their daughter. 

If I were you, I would definitely spend Christmas with my parents (because they too matter) and tell him that if he wants to pander to his sister's every whim, he is welcome to spend Christmas with her. I would not change my plans at all because in all of this, nobody took what you want into account. You are there just to do whatever your BF - not even him, his family, sister - want. 

Broader issue is why are you second guessing yourself? You should know that this was out of the line. If you don't stand up for yourself now, draw boundaries, and stick to them, they will be treating you like you and your feelings/wishes don't exist forever. In other words, without any respect. 

[basil67]

I totally understand how you could have gotten overwhelmed and capitulated under such pressure.   But good on you for learning from it and recognising that you're going to have to stand up to her in future.

May I ask why this turned into a "vicious" argument with your partner?   And what got said?   Honestly, this is a red flag in itself

[Lotsgoingon]

You are under-reacting. Your partner needs to grow up. He's still taking orders from Mommy & Daddy. His job is to protect you from the insular clique. Your bf is not helpless. If he is, you should not be dating him.

You have no duty to go see his family. No duty whatsoever. If he can't stand up to his family coming over to your house, then you need to dump this guy.

Let me give you an example. My mother was a non-stop talker, absolutely nonstop. (She was also extremely kind.) So when my brother and I were visiting my parents with our wives, we kept an eye on our mother capturing our spouses with non-stop talk. We knew our wives would try to be good listeners, but that my mother could talk for days, and she didn't specialize in making clear transitions from one story to the next. It was easy to get lost in her stories.

So we'd rescue our wives. Find a reason to call them away from our mother. This took no courage on our part. It was just common basic sense and decency. We did this even though our mother was quite kind. She was just not kind about the difficulty of listening to her talk forever .

Why are you staying with this guy if he expects you to join HIS family? That's your choice. But if you don't want to join his family, say no! A mature relationship is about creating your own family. Yes, it's great to have family support and time with family, but as we mature, we hang with family only as much as is healthy to do so. 

Over-reacting? Heck no. You are comatose and under-reacting (and unfortunately feeling guilty of all things!) and putting up with bf's nonsense and cowardice and immaturity. If you go see his family, you can set time limits. Two hours, say. And then you leave. You can drive your own car. But he should go along with you. 

Trust me: if he can't be the slightest bit independent now, he's going to taking orders from them all through your relationship. 

Get out! 

Edited December 5, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[Acacia98]

I'm sorry @BritishSpartan22, but this does not bode well for your relationship. Like others have already mentioned, your partner's family may have an unhealthy dynamic, but if your partner had appropriately strong boundaries, they wouldn't have affected you so dramatically. 

I think this kind of confrontation will become a frequent thing as you and your partner try to make more and more decisions in keeping with your own values and preferences. And you will probably find that you're fighting those battles alone while your partner gives in to make the peace. Can you imagine a life in which big sister has the final say on any decisions you make about having kids (or not), raising said kids, where you live, where you work, etc.? Imagine how worn out you'll get having to fight all the time when you should be able to make such decisions without interference from an obnoxious family member.

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, BritishSpartan22 said:

 I invited my mum and dad to our house for Christmas. 

Go visit your parents.  You don't have to spend it with his family. Be careful not to throw your own family overboard repeatedly just to hang onto a man. Especially a selfish man with an entire clan behind him who he sides with against you. 

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Go visit your parents.

This is the perfect solution IMO.  I wouldn't subject myself to his family anymore.