Recently discovered infidelity from a few years ago

[Grapesofwrath]

Hi There: I am writing to share this story and, hopefully, get some sound advice. I have been with my partner for 4 years. We first met through a fix-up by my best friend. He was separated for about 6 months at that time, after 15 years of marriage. We started dating, and quickly became exclusive. During those first few months, he would occasionally tell me that he felt uneasy about being in a serious relationship so soon after separation and I would ask if he would like to take a break or stop dating, to which he would always respond no. The relationship developed and deepened and our love grew. We weathered Covid together, which was tough, and some things happened during that time that lead to brief break-up around Xmas of 2020. We got back together and have worked on the relationship, which has vastly improved since then. 

We moved in together about 6 months ago. During the unpacking phase, I found some evidence that he had cheated on me in the summer of 2019. Went on Tinder and found someone anonymous to have sex with while I was out of town. This was just after a weekend away when he first told me he loved me. He cheated on his wife in a similar way during their marriage, probably 6 or 7 times. The way he explained it, I chalked that up to being in a miserable marriage, and now I see it differently of course. I also found evidence that he had continued to pursue a woman he was dating before meeting me. It never went anywhere, but it was very clear that he reached out to her, also in summer 2019, and a few times after that tried to arrange to get together. Nothing else like that since summer 2020. Needless to say I am devastated. He now says he is completely committed to me and our life and would never do anything like that again. It has been 2 years. 

I also became aware that he would often think about sex with younger women, though he didn't act on any of those thoughts. I shared everything I knew and we have started counseling. He is very remorseful. He told me he was wanting to tell me about the Tinder incident, but hadn't gotten up the courage before my discovery. Frankly, I call bulls**t on that. I cannot shake the feeling that there is more out there that I don't know about and that he is also admitting to the things I already know. He swears there is nothing else and has offered to let me see his phone/email and whatever else it would take for me to feel better. He is really trying but I am stuck in these thought patterns. I don't see how I can feel trust for him again. 

Is there hope here? Or am I just setting myself up for more of this in the future? 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Run girl run.

‘Don’t put up with that. No matter the situation, cheating is a choice.  He could have chosen separation or divorce instead of cheating on his ex wife.

‘He is not going to change. You deserve better so don’t settle for this cheating fool.

‘He has lied to you for over 2 years.  Do you really believe he will be truthful now?

I would be ssssooooo mad!  Fire breathing dragon mad!

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Grapesofwrath said:

Ee moved in together about 6 months ago.  Or am I just setting myself up for more of this in the future? 

Sorry this is happening. Whose place is it? Do you co-lease or co-own? Try to focus on the practicalities of moving out. 

Sadly the entire relationship is a sham. You're with someone who leads a double life and always has.

Keep in mind playing house is an economic, practical and sexual convenience for him, not a commitment. It makes cheating easier for him because your presence will free up time and money for it.

The most important thing is to not get lost in a sunken cost fallacy. That means dealing with the horrible revelations rather than wishing and hoping he'll change because you have overinvested so much already.

Stop and reflect if you will ever be happy or content knowing his capacity for leading a double life.

[stillafool]

IDK but once I found out he had cheated on his wife 6 or 7 times I would have passed on him.  Consider yourself warned.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would not stay with this guy for one more moment. 

He's been dishonest the whole time. He has a history of cheating prior to you, too. There has also already been one break-up. This is not someone you can or should try to build a life with. It's time to stop wasting your money on couple's counselling, and just end this for good. 

[understand50]

The old Saw "once a cheater always a cheater" is not always true, until it is.  It looks like in your boyfriend's case, he is.  Until he can overcome whatever makes him do this, I would not go forward.  Look like, he was the one who was the issue in his marriage, and is doing the same with you.

I wish you luck.....

[glows]

Looking back at your threads this was an issue as well in 2019 when he first told you about his affairs. You’re not able to trust him so why would you put yourself through this day in and day out? 

Moralism aside, the bottomline is you don’t trust him. It’s not he’s a bad guy, he’s a cheater, he’s done this before. The fact is YOU don’t trust him. You actively don’t appear to be able to move forward. 

Whether you choose to stay or not, without trust this will eventually crumble and it won’t work or it’ll be some variation of hell for you. I’m sorry you’re left with this decision.

[BreakOnThrough]

Even if it's been two years, he'll eventually get into the same pattern he did with his ex-wife, his inability to be brutally honest and forward with people he supposedly loves, he's more content being with you, then going off on the side and will continue this behavior as long as you tolerate it, his wife came to her senses, you should as well.

[Grapesofwrath]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

IDK but once I found out he had cheated on his wife 6 or 7 times I would have passed on him.  Consider yourself warned.

I have thought about this many times. I think, because he told me that himself and he was introduced to me by my best friend, I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. It was also many years ago and I had hoped he grew out of it. 

[Grapesofwrath]

15 minutes ago, BreakOnThrough said:

Even if it's been two years, he'll eventually get into the same pattern he did with his ex-wife, his inability to be brutally honest and forward with people he supposedly loves, he's more content being with you, then going off on the side and will continue this behavior as long as you tolerate it, his wife came to her senses, you should as well.

He was the one who initiated the divorce, not his wife. 

[BaileyB]

21 hours ago, Grapesofwrath said:

He now says he is completely committed to me and our life and would never do anything like that again.

I would like to believe him except previous experience would tell me that’s not wise.

Of course, he did not seek sex with other women 6-7 times during his previous marriage because he was ‘miserable’ in his marriage. There is a pattern of behavior that you chose to ignore initially, but now that it’s also happened to you… the pieces of this puzzle start to come together in a different way.

I’m sorry, but he had a random hookup a week after he went away with you and told you that he loved you - while you were out of town?? My friend, you are not in so deep here that you can not walk away… do that before you plan a wedding, but a home together, have children… This guy has a flashing neon sign over his head that said “I’m not monogamous.” Heed the warning and end this now. 

Edited December 5, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

21 hours ago, Grapesofwrath said:

I cannot shake the feeling that there is more out there that I don't know about

You don’t need more proof, what you have now is enough to understand that this is not a man who should be trusted. 

[Grapesofwrath]

55 minutes ago, glows said:

Looking back at your threads this was an issue as well in 2019 when he first told you about his affairs. You’re not able to trust him so why would you put yourself through this day in and day out? 

Moralism aside, the bottomline is you don’t trust him. It’s not he’s a bad guy, he’s a cheater, he’s done this before. The fact is YOU don’t trust him. You actively don’t appear to be able to move forward. 

Whether you choose to stay or not, without trust this will eventually crumble and it won’t work or it’ll be some variation of hell for you. I’m sorry you’re left with this decision.

Thank you for this thoughtful response. Yes, he told me about his infidelities when we first started dating in 2019. He was very candid about it, and remorseful, which I took as a promising sign. You are right, however, that I don't trust him. He has admitted to all the things I already know, and offered nothing further. That is a big problem for me. We have to figure out a way to rebuild trust and that is why we are in counseling. 

[Grapesofwrath]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I would like to believe him except past experience in his previous marriage would tell me otherwise. 

Of course, he did not seek sex with other women 6-7 times during his previous marriage because he was ‘miserable’ in his marriage. There is a pattern of behavior that you chose to ignore initially, but now that it’s also happened to you… the pieces of this puzzle start to come together in a different way.

I’m sorry, but he had a random hookup a week after he went away with you and told you that he loved you - while you were out of town?? My friend, you are not in so deep here that you can not walk away… do that before you plan a wedding, but a home together, have children… This guy has a flashing neon sign over his head that said “I’m not monogamous.” Heed the warning and end this now. 

Thank you for taking the time to reply. You are right that the pieces of the puzzle have come together in a different way. And yes, he had a random hookup about a month after the "i love you" weekend while I was out of town.  And lied about it for 3 years (lie of omission.) What's also difficult is that he has been doing a lot of therapy and exploration on the role of truth and integrity in relationships. (He found out 5 yrs ago that his mother had an affair while married to his dad and that his real biological father is the man she had the affair with. She has trickle-truthed about that for all this time and continues to avoid taking responsibility for the fraud she perpetrated on him and his father for all those years. He sees how his behavior is another version of hers, and he feels shame about that.)

 I did not mention this in my earlier post, but we are an older couple. In our 50s. We each already have our own children and won't be having any more. 

[glows]

7 minutes ago, Grapesofwrath said:

That is a big problem for me. We have to figure out a way to rebuild trust and that is why we are in counseling. 

I’d give yourself a year or set a timeline for yourself to work through those trust issues. Try not to let this go on indefinitely for your own well-being. 

Cheater or not, to be fair, he deserves someone also who is able to accept him even if it’s not you.

[Grapesofwrath]

10 minutes ago, glows said:

I’d give yourself a year or set a timeline for yourself to work through those trust issues. Try not to let this go on indefinitely for your own well-being. 

Cheater or not, to be fair, he deserves someone also who is able to accept him even if it’s not you.

 

10 minutes ago, glows said:

I’d give yourself a year or set a timeline for yourself to work through those trust issues. Try not to let this go on indefinitely for your own well-being. 

Cheater or not, to be fair, he deserves someone also who is able to accept him even if it’s not you.

This is sound advice, thank you. 

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, Grapesofwrath said:

I did not mention this in my earlier post, but we are an older couple. In our 50s.

That wouldn’t actually change anything for me. I am almost your age, and at a time in life when I would not chose to be in a relationship that has this many issues. 

The comment that he ‘would often think about sex with younger women, though he didn't act on any of those thoughts’ is concerning for me. Sure, older men likely have fantasies about younger women but given his past history, this is surely a red flag. And, I’m not so sure that you can say that he hasn’t acted on any of those thoughts - there are 7-8 hookups that you know about. It would seem to me that self control is an issue for this man…

He has a sad story for sure, there is a troubling family history that has caused trauma and it is commendable that he is working to overcome that trauma. That said, this is a risk that I personally would not be willing to take - I would cheer him on from afar. I value trust in my relationship, as it would seem that you do as well, and I wouldn’t be able to trust a man who has this kind of history - that of serial extramarital sexual relations. 

I’m sorry, I do wish you well. Take care of yourself. Trust your instinct - you have it for a reason. 

[Grapesofwrath]

13 hours ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

Run girl run.

‘Don’t put up with that. No matter the situation, cheating is a choice.  He could have chosen separation or divorce instead of cheating on his ex wife.

‘He is not going to change. You deserve better so don’t settle for this cheating fool.

‘He has lied to you for over 2 years.  Do you really believe he will be truthful now?

I would be ssssooooo mad!  Fire breathing dragon mad!

Oh, trust. I am fire-breathing mad and he has felt the force of that. 

[FMW]

Sadly I agree with those who feel you can't trust him.  He's exhibited behavior (cheating) over a period of several years and with different partners.  This wasn't a one-off.   I don't think it's reasonable to expect that he will not repeat the pattern in the future.  Especially if he's in his 50s.  He's not going to mature out of it.  It's who he is.

I'm in my 50s so I understand you don't want to make a snap decision on ending the relationship.  But you have more than sufficient reason in this case and you've mulled over this information for six months now.  I agree with Glows about putting a timeline on your decision making, but I would probably look at something more like another 6 months instead of a year.  And during that time continue to think through the situation, don't push it out of your head.  Journal, talk to a friend or counselor, post and read here on LoveShack.  Make sure you've fully processed it and come to a decision with which you can move forward, whether with or without him.  

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Grapesofwrath said:

We have to figure out a way to rebuild trust and that is why we are in counseling

You don't have to, actually. You have the option to leave. 

I personally would not force myself to find a way to trust a man like this. My time is precious and I would not waste it on such a poor choice of a partner. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I personally would not force myself to find a way to trust a man like this. My time is precious and I would not waste it on such a poor choice of a partner. 

Also my thought, I have little interest in supporting a man as he tries to change a long standing pattern of adultery - at the age of 50. While I understand the desire to have a partner at this time of life, to invest your valuable time and emotional energy in a relationship that has this kind of issues is just not something that I would chose for myself.

Be careful OP that you don’t take on the belief that your love will change him - there is a hint of that in your first post when you say he only cheated (multiple times) because the relationship was not good… ie. It would be different with you. It’s not different with you - this is a grown man with a past history of repeated infidelity. As I said above, it’s commendable that he has maybe seen the error of his ways and he is trying to heal past trauma/change his ways… that’s for him to do, not you. 

I like the idea of a timeline if you chose to stay, six months seems to be about right. The challenge being, you can’t trust what he’s telling you… so, how are you going to measure progress? It’s a huge leap of faith…

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Grapesofwrath said:

He was the one who initiated the divorce, not his wife. 

What was the reason he gave?

[Grapesofwrath]

47 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What was the reason he gave?

 

47 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What was the reason he gave?

That they were fundamentally incompatible people. She had essentially abandoned him and their child to pursue career ambitions. Was never home. non-participatory in the family. Also cheating. Alcoholic. 

[stillafool]

24 minutes ago, Grapesofwrath said:

 

That they were fundamentally incompatible people. She had essentially abandoned him and their child to pursue career ambitions. Was never home. non-participatory in the family. Also cheating. Alcoholic. 

Probably his cheating is what led to all of her problems.  Good he freed her up to find someone who will treat her right.

[BaileyB]

55 minutes ago, Grapesofwrath said:

 

That they were fundamentally incompatible people. She had essentially abandoned him and their child to pursue career ambitions. Was never home. non-participatory in the family. Also cheating. Alcoholic. 

So she was a poor spouse, fair enough. It doesn’t give him permission to cheat on her 6-7 times in their marriage. I think you know that.

Thank goodness they finally divorced because the damage they must have done to each other and their children is immense. That said, one doesn’t chose for themselves and stay for years in an unhealthy marriage like this and then suddenly develop the ability to be a healthy relationship partner when they finally file for divorce. 

Edited December 5, 2022 by BaileyB