Recently discovered infidelity from a few years ago

[glows]

Rebuilding trust might have started from day one of you both meeting by him having severed all legal ties with his ex and not meeting anyone or looking to meet anyone while you were both together.

You’re looking at someone who repeatedly shows you he needs a partner and appears very nearly incapable of being single or standing on his own two feet, in addition to his history of cheating.

I am curious if he is fully divorced. Or is he just separated and divorce is ongoing?

[Grapesofwrath]

53 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

So she was a poor spouse, fair enough. It doesn’t give him permission to cheat on her 6-7 times in their marriage. I think you know that.

Thank goodness they finally divorced because the damage they must have done to each other and their children is immense. That said, one doesn’t chose for themselves and stay for years in an unhealthy marriage like this and then suddenly develop the ability to be a healthy relationship partner when they finally file for divorce. 

Oh, no question about it. What he did is unconscionable, even if she was doing it to him, also. And I know that. believe me, I have beaten myself up enough with recriminations for not considering his history more before moving forward 

[Grapesofwrath]

49 minutes ago, glows said:

Rebuilding trust might have started from day one of you both meeting by him having severed all legal ties with his ex and not meeting anyone or looking to meet anyone while you were both together.

You’re looking at someone who repeatedly shows you he needs a partner and appears very nearly incapable of being single or standing on his own two feet, in addition to his history of cheating.

I am curious if he is fully divorced. Or is he just separated and divorce is ongoing?

He is fully divorced. 

[BaileyB]

26 minutes ago, Grapesofwrath said:

I have beaten myself up enough with recriminations for not considering his history more before moving forward 

Today is another day, is there a reason why you can’t take all the information that you have gathered and walk away? As was said above, there is nothing saying that you have to rebuild the trust here - the reason why you stay is… ?

[Grapesofwrath]

58 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Today is another day, is there a reason why you can’t take all the information that you have gathered and walk away? As was said above, there is nothing saying that you have to rebuild the trust here - the reason why you stay is… ?

 I would like to see if he can change. I am divorced. I know how to end relationships. I have ended others, besides my marriage. In this case, I see a person with many great qualities and our life together is excellent. He is willing to work on this issue and is committed to figuring out why he does it. He is very transparent with me and has offered full openness. I believe he deserves that opportunity. In my younger years, I was not always faithful to boyfriends. It was an issue for me, which I resolved by taking a hard look at myself and the pain I was causing others. And by realizing that I didn't want to be that sort of person anymore because I hated myself when I did it. He hates himself for doing it and expressed a lot of shame.  So I changed. And I would like to see if he can change, too. 

Edited December 6, 2022 by Grapesofwrath
spelling

[NuevoYorko]

Will you feel ok if he continues true to form and you find out somehow, in another couple of years, that he cheated  between now and then?  Because that is how you are going to find out that he hasn't changed - by catching him.   He won't confess to you unless it's in the context of being busted.

I know people can change, but the odds are he won't.  He has very ingrained patterns, and monogamy is not for everyone.   So far, he has shown no inclination to change.  He's just saying the things cheaters say when they're cornered.

Seriously, I think you'd be better off having an open relationship with this guy if you're determined to stay with him.  

 

 

[BrinnM]

2 hours ago, Grapesofwrath said:

I would like to see if he can change. 

How are you going to “see” that, though? Counseling won’t help with that, if he is who he is.

If he wants to continue cheating, he will, and trust me - you won’t see it. You’ll see what he wants you to see. Whatever you found while you guys were moving in together is not something that he would’ve shown you voluntarily, right? What makes you think this is going to change in the future?

…. and regardless of any potential future changes - are you ok with having been deceived for the past 2-3 years? I think that would be the worst type of deception for me because it’s been an ongoing thing and it never really stopped on his own accord. It only stopped because you found out. And if you combine this knowledge with the knowledge that you have about his marriage (where he was “honest” about his cheating, and told you about it) - it seems even more disingenuous ….. why tell you in all “honesty” about his Craigslist F-buddies while he was married, while not telling you about Tinder encounters while you were together? It seems like he’s cherry picking a lot when it comes to being genuine & honest, don’t you think?

That’s bc he is distracting/gaslighting you. Telling you one thing, in order to appear like a “reformed” guy, while continuing on with his his shenanigans behind your back. Nah - you shouldn’t buy this at all. He’s not an honest guy. Don’t trust him. (I know you want to because you’ve spent two or three years with him already and it’s hard to admit to oneself that this was a waste of time basically and of course you may have pleasant times together but quite frankly I don’t think you can get over the disrespect. It’s just too much.)

JMO 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

3 hours ago, Grapesofwrath said:

 I would like to see if he can change. I am divorced. I know how to end relationships. I have ended others, besides my marriage. In this case, I see a person with many great qualities and our life together is excellent. He is willing to work on this issue and is committed to figuring out why he does it. He is very transparent with me and has offered full openness. I believe he deserves that opportunity. In my younger years, I was not always faithful to boyfriends. It was an issue for me, which I resolved by taking a hard look at myself and the pain I was causing others. And by realizing that I didn't want to be that sort of person anymore because I hated myself when I did it. He hates himself for doing it and expressed a lot of shame.  So I changed. And I would like to see if he can change, too. 

Really?

I mean I am also older going on 50. But I have learned that it is not my place to be with someone expecting them to change.  I need to be with someone who I can accept the good and the bad.  And he’ll no I am not going to be someone’s fixer.

I think you need to look at yourself and ask why you want to be with this man.  He has LIED to you from the beginning.  What is the point of having this great life together if it is fake and built on a lie?

 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Grapesofwrath said:

He is willing to work on this issue and is committed to figuring out why he does it.

The ‘issue’ he is working on isn’t just the fact that you want him to be more considerate and listen to your feelings… his ‘issue’ is much more serious than that. His issue puts your health and well-being at risk.

You seem determined to stay, so I do hope it works out for you. Unfortunately, you have no actual way to prove whether he has or has not changed - until you end up with an STD or you catch him in another lie. And then, I fear that you will be saying - 

5 hours ago, Grapesofwrath said:

I have beaten myself up enough with recriminations for not leaving sooner, because all the warning signs were there…

 

Edited December 6, 2022 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Grapesofwrath said:

I would like to see if he can change

He won't. 

This is who he is. You're fooling nobody but yourself if you think otherwise. He's got an established pattern of behaviour and is only crying crocodile tears because you caught him. He hasn't changed at all, or he at least would have come to you when he started engaging in adulterous behaviour again and been honest with you and tried to forge a way forward then. But he didn't. He cheated and lied for years, and only back-pedalled when you busted him. Your life with this man is not excellent. You have to put yourself through an emotional roller coaster and leave your standards far too low for it to even function. He treats you poorly and has his fun on the side. How is that excellent? That is part of the package with this man. 

You are pulling the wool over your own eyes hear, and one day, you will kick yourself for it.

[hajk]

I was looking up your previous thread link below, more than 3 years ago, and read that he felt shame and regret for cheating multiple times previously.  But it looks like he has not changed his behaviours since then.  What makes you think he will change from now on?

 

Edited December 6, 2022 by hajk

[FMW]

7 hours ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

But I have learned that it is not my place to be with someone expecting them to change.  I need to be with someone who I can accept the good and the bad.

I think this is a very important point.  At  this stage of life especially, don't expect people to change.  If you can't accept him as he is right now, the future isn't likely to be different from what you're feeling right now. No matter how much you love him, you don't have the power to reform him.  

[BaileyB]

In your previous post, most posters replied to say that it would be an absolute dealbreaker - except one, who you replied to as “the voice of reason.” 

Three years later you posted virtually the same question - still, it would appear, looking for that confirmation bias. You have invested a lot of time into this relationship. Perhaps you’ve said before, and if you have I apologize, have you been for counselling yourself or for couples counselling with this man? Perhaps that something to consider if you are having difficulty getting past this…

Although, I think the fact that it’s three years later and you still do not trust him says a lot… 

Edited December 6, 2022 by BaileyB

[glows]

Trust is either there or it isn’t. I don’t necessarily believe in rebuilding it. There’s a reason why it’s in pieces or in the dust if it’s non-existent. 

Considering his lifestyle or behaviours have been in question since three years ago, I’d weigh the advantages and disadvantages of staying with a partner I don’t trust. Do you have difficulty imagining the future with him? Do you have trouble sleeping beside him? Do you enjoy his company? Do you find yourself resenting what he says or crosschecking any info he gives you? 

The people we choose this close in our lives have a profound impact on who we are too and our daily lives. My number 1 rule is to always live well. If something is bothering me, preventing me from living well or there’s prolonged doubt there’s a problem and it needs to be fixed or the situation needs to end.

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, glows said:

Trust is either there or it isn’t. I don’t necessarily believe in rebuilding it. There’s a reason why it’s in pieces or in the dust if it’s non-existent. 

Exactly. OP - you are trying desperately to trust a man who you know to be untrustworthy. 

You are banking on the fact that he says he wants to change… but you have no way to measure that except when/if he fails. What you need to ask yourself is whether you can cope/deal with the worst - when/if it happens. And then, you need to ask yourself if the benefit of having this man in your life is worth the cost (perhaps, your piece of mind and the risk that the life you have built together could blow up at any given moment). 

Edited December 6, 2022 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

21 hours ago, hajk said:

I was looking up your previous thread link below, more than 3 years ago, and read that he felt shame and regret for cheating multiple times previously.  But it looks like he has not changed his behaviours since then.  What makes you think he will change from now on?

 

Oh, dear. 

Yes, OP, you have been desperately trying to sweep all the enormous red flags under the rug for a long time. As you are now discovering, they will always come back to bite you. 

You are going to get hurt all over again, forever, if you don't stop lying to yourself about who this man really is. 

[Mrin]

Life is too short to spend it with someone you can't completely trust

[mark clemson]

There was no guarantee that he would cheat again, just as there is no guarantee that some who's never cheated won't. But he did do it again, and indeed it appears to be a pattern. It's your life, but what if anything is really stopping it from happening again if you stay in the relationship?

Edited December 9, 2022 by mark clemson

[emotionallybroken9]

I guess we should really ask:

why do YOU want to stay with him?

let’s say for example I tell u, here are 10 eligible good looking, around your age guys and they’d like to take you out on a date, one at a time of course lol. 
 

now, would you say, “yeah, I’ll go on these dates and see if I hit it off with any of em!”

or would you say, “no thank you, I love THIS cheating man. He is quantifiably better than the average man because (insert qualities that make it worth the flashbacks and painful mind videos).”

 

mine was the mother of my daughter, so I wanted to give it a real shot for my daughter. That was a bad choice. Should’ve asked myself what I asked you above. Needless to say, we’re divorcing and couldn’t be happier  Don’t waste your time here. It really doesn’t sound like he’s worth it. 
 

I mean, unless he’s like, SUPER rich or the sex is the best you’ve EVER had, or maybe he’s got a nice house or something. I dunno. I’m just trying to figure out why having his affair at the back Of your mind for the rest of time, and him being the trigger to those memories, is worth it!

 

help me understand! Lol. Like, can’t u just start dating again? Or take time to figure out what YOU want for YOU? 
 

anywhoo, we’re all rooting for u! Good luck!