Not sure how to feel six months later

[Burningheart17]

Hi all

So I broke up with my partner of 8 years last June and not sure how to feel six months on. 

The short version of the story is my ex clearly had trust issues from a prior relationship though she'd never tell me exactly what happened.. This lead to unhappiness for me in the relationship as I felt I didn't have the freedom I should seeing friends or doing things independent of her as it would just cause arguments or tension that I kinda just rolled over on to avoid trouble. The other aspect that lead to the break up is she had a son from her prior relationship who had really bad behavior when I met her, this later turned out to be down to autism and Adhd but once we had the diagnosis she just used it as a crutch to justify not trying to combat the behavior and instead as he got older he became more problematic.. Violent, swearing, aggressive in general, compulsive liar, destructive etc. If I ever took issue to his behaviour an argument would ensue which would see the situation turned around on me in some way and leave me feeling crap about myself when really the issue was with her or her son. I later came to realise this is what they called gaslighting. 

I had been unhappy for a long time but I always hoped it would get better hence my 8 years in the relationship.. One day it came to a head with her son going on a five hour rage over something trivial which saw him destroy his bedroom and other furniture in the house and culminate with him screaming in my face that he was glad that my recently passed Father was dead and he wished I was in the ground next to him. Clearly upset and angry by this I was soon in an argument where I was the bad guy and irrational for feeling this way. 

Anyway, fast forward six months and I'm not sure how I should be feeling. The relationship wasn't all bad and I had alot of fond memories with my ex outside of the kid.. Alot of things we did together as a family for example all the usual Christmas activities etc just leaves me with mixed feelings. 

I do miss her and good parts of the relationship and when I'm down and depressed the good times come to mind with her and that's a daily occurance. Only when I discuss the situation with a friend or family member and I recall the negative aspects out loud and I hear myself I remember why I left and know it was the right choice but here I am six months later still feeling down on the daily thinking about the good times with her and feeling lonely. 

Is this normal? Is this something that will pass? Going back with her isn't an option.. And even if it was I'm 100% sure the same problems would quickly reappear. So why do I feel this way? Why do I feel lonely and reminisce about good times when the bad times severely out weigh them? 

Furthermore, I've had a couple of new women come into my life who are really keen to try and start a relation ship with me but to be honest I just don't feel like I'm emotionally available. They're nice and on paper would be perfect options for partners but I just am not making a connection with them emotionally that they are with me. 

What do you guys think? 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Burningheart17 said:

 Alot of things we did together as a family for example all the usual Christmas activities etc just leaves me with mixed feelings. 

Yes. Completely normal. The holidays are particularly difficult when recently single.

You did the right thing ending it. Give yourself time to readjust. Don't backslide out of nostalgia or loneliness.

[Jonttu]

2 hours ago, Burningheart17 said:

Hi all

So I broke up with my partner of 8 years last June and not sure how to feel six months on. 

The short version of the story is my ex clearly had trust issues from a prior relationship though she'd never tell me exactly what happened.. This lead to unhappiness for me in the relationship as I felt I didn't have the freedom I should seeing friends or doing things independent of her as it would just cause arguments or tension that I kinda just rolled over on to avoid trouble. The other aspect that lead to the break up is she had a son from her prior relationship who had really bad behavior when I met her, this later turned out to be down to autism and Adhd but once we had the diagnosis she just used it as a crutch to justify not trying to combat the behavior and instead as he got older he became more problematic.. Violent, swearing, aggressive in general, compulsive liar, destructive etc. If I ever took issue to his behaviour an argument would ensue which would see the situation turned around on me in some way and leave me feeling crap about myself when really the issue was with her or her son. I later came to realise this is what they called gaslighting. 

I had been unhappy for a long time but I always hoped it would get better hence my 8 years in the relationship.. One day it came to a head with her son going on a five hour rage over something trivial which saw him destroy his bedroom and other furniture in the house and culminate with him screaming in my face that he was glad that my recently passed Father was dead and he wished I was in the ground next to him. Clearly upset and angry by this I was soon in an argument where I was the bad guy and irrational for feeling this way. 

Anyway, fast forward six months and I'm not sure how I should be feeling. The relationship wasn't all bad and I had alot of fond memories with my ex outside of the kid.. Alot of things we did together as a family for example all the usual Christmas activities etc just leaves me with mixed feelings. 

I do miss her and good parts of the relationship and when I'm down and depressed the good times come to mind with her and that's a daily occurance. Only when I discuss the situation with a friend or family member and I recall the negative aspects out loud and I hear myself I remember why I left and know it was the right choice but here I am six months later still feeling down on the daily thinking about the good times with her and feeling lonely. 

Is this normal? Is this something that will pass? Going back with her isn't an option.. And even if it was I'm 100% sure the same problems would quickly reappear. So why do I feel this way? Why do I feel lonely and reminisce about good times when the bad times severely out weigh them? 

Furthermore, I've had a couple of new women come into my life who are really keen to try and start a relation ship with me but to be honest I just don't feel like I'm emotionally available. They're nice and on paper would be perfect options for partners but I just am not making a connection with them emotionally that they are with me. 

What do you guys think? 

Wow, you have been through a roller coaster, lol

Seems like you have cut the emotional connection with your ex and that you are fine by it.... but have you forgot about her child?

 

You were all three in a relationship, there seems to be a lot of animosity towards her son. That is a connection that keeps you connected to her also.

 

Have you grieved her son also? He might look like a non-entity to you, but he was part of your life also, both in good and in bad. Letting go of her son might work wonders?

 

When you have no feelings when thinking about her son, only indifference, that is when you are free to move on in your life. Good luck and take care!

[glows]

You made the right choice. Six months is not long either. 

Are you still in contact with any of them, extended family, friends and so on? 

[Burningheart17]

5 hours ago, Jonttu said:

Wow, you have been through a roller coaster, lol

Seems like you have cut the emotional connection with your ex and that you are fine by it.... but have you forgot about her child?

 

You were all three in a relationship, there seems to be a lot of animosity towards her son. That is a connection that keeps you connected to her also.

 

Have you grieved her son also? He might look like a non-entity to you, but he was part of your life also, both in good and in bad. Letting go of her son might work wonders?

 

When you have no feelings when thinking about her son, only indifference, that is when you are free to move on in your life. Good luck and take care!

To be honest.. I don't think about the boy at all. I've had mixed feelings throughout the relationship and post break up about how I felt towards him and how he made me feel and I think the problem with him not technically being my own son was I kinda just felt like a bystander in the whole relationship and wasn't really made to feel like a Co-parent when it came to his behaviour.. Yet I was a co-parent in terms of paying for his presents throughout the year, school uniforms, trips and fixing my work hours so I could pick him up and look after him for years to allow me ex partner to go out and get a full time job and progress up the career ladder. 

When I get down due the nostalgia it's more the times me and her had together independent of him which is a shame looking back on it. There was a saying in the house.. It went like this.. When he was happy everyone was happy, when he was unhappy nobody was happy. And by unhappy, I mean in the wake of one his tantrums or mood swings. 

Though I feel lonely at times these days post break up, I don't live constantly on edge or riddled with anxiety or stress about the next meltdown or subsequent argument that's about to occur..so there's that. 

[Burningheart17]

3 hours ago, glows said:

You made the right choice. Six months is not long either. 

Are you still in contact with any of them, extended family, friends and so on? 

No.. Originally I wanted things to be amicable between us but she ended up blocking me and removing family members off Facebook and such which I suppose is to be expected. The only lingering thing is we had a dog which I chose to leave in the then family home with her due to his age and didn't feel it would be fair on him to take him from his home. In some sense I feel like I've abandoned him and haven't been back to the house in five months.. And that's what chews me up because I miss him but if I went back to visit periodically what would that do to the dog. Not only that I feel I've come a long way since the break up and going back to the home.. To see not just the dog but also her and the kid.. I don't know what that would do to me and I can't really see any good coming of it. Does that make me a bad person? This is something I wrestle with in my head fairly often. 

[glows]

No, it doesn’t make you a bad person at all. You seem to struggle with appropriate boundaries after a break up. I recommend reviewing what you need in order to move on in a more positive way. Grieve the end of the relationship but respectfully let go of the past such as the dog and your ex or her son.

Dogs adapt remarkably well and live in the moment. Save outright abuse and maltreatment, dogs generally don’t hold grudges, internalize issues like this or reminisce about how sad they are that a human is no longer there. I don’t think it’s realistic to project that onto the dog or feel sorry for the dog that it may feel abandoned. That’s human guilt in the mix and keeping you stuck in limbo feeling sorry about what happened with your ex. 

Let go of her family and the dog as it’s no longer a part of your future. Embrace change and slowly move on. We can still care for someone but make sure you have appropriate boundaries in place and give yourself a good chance to live another, new life.