From affair to affair to divorce

[Vivalavi]

I don't even know where to begin. Some of you know me from my earlier posts of a naïve woman looking for love  while being a complete fool. Also, very unfair to her husband for cheating on him. While so many of you told me to end my affair, I did not listen for so long. Until I did it. Finally did it. Now I feel nothing toward my ex- OM. Even when I see him, I feel nothing. I feel stupidity on my part, foolishness really. He told me he could not give me what I needed. And he was right. But my messy life did not end there. Somewhere back in summer, a person from my work emailed me about work related matter. The work related matter turned into personal emails. For about 3 months, I honestly thought I will have my very own gay friend. I told my best friend about him and his very deep emails. This man and I could talk about anything and he listened. He asked so many questions and was genuinely interested in knowing me. I felt seen, heard, and valued.

Because of his sensitivity and openness, I just did not believe he was into me or any woman really. But I was very much wrong. We connected on a deep emotional level and he treated me the way OM never did. I heard from him daily and we would carry meaningful conversations. There were no sexual talks nor inappropriate pictures requests. He learned and used my native language to greet me and such. It was sweet. I fell for his mind and his intelligence. Later on, our affair became physical. We would meet at his place. Some days just to cuddle and talk or watch TV, some days more. Other days we would go together for lunch or early dinner.  Or just to browse through an old store. These days, he asks to see me every week and there are days when we only go to the gym together. He does things that OM never did. He holds my hand, kisses my forehead, looks deep into my eyes and tells me sweet nothings. He says he adores me all the time. He is single and same age as me. Thanks to this man, I realized I can be treated better and what I was getting from OM was nothing but breadcrumbs. I was such a fool. 

Now, when it comes to my marriage, I talked to my husband about divorce back in summer. His response was that he won't agree and will make me suffer in this marriage until our daughter is 18. He said I will mess her up by breaking our family. Later on, he said he will agree with divorce but I will be the one paying her therapists to cope with our divorce. I hate do this to her, but I will rather do that than show her that she needs to stay with someone no matter how unhappy she is. Just like my mom did. My H and I talked to the lawyer last month. We pretty much live as roommates. There are days when I really struggle to keep it together. The worst is to see him hurt, to read his messages about how hurt he feels and how he still hopes for us staying together. I hate to see him cry. My best friend reminds me to think of days when I cried over and over again after he treated me badly. How much unhappiness I went through. I have to remind that to myself. I wanted a divorce before so many times but it always got swept under the carpet. I don't want to do this mistake again. My H deserve someone who truly wants him and can give him what I can't anymore. 

Meanwhile, my lover as he calls himself and I are seeing each other. When we are together in person, he is wonderful. Gentle, thoughtful, sweet. We make each other smile. But thanks to my anxious attachment, I am starting to go through things I did before with OM. Any change in texting or less texting makes me overthink greatly. If he does not give me his usual good nights, I wonder what is wrong. This bothers me and I am not sure how to deal with it. I am also not sure how to stand behind my decision on divorce. How to stop my H to think there is hope. I don't want that. I don't want him to hurt more by hoping. My life is a mess and it is all my fault. 

Edited December 6, 2022 by Vivalavi
grammar errors

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh, Viva.

Basically nothing has changed, other than the OM. You swapped out one for another, but you're more or less in exactly the same situation as before. 

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

How to stop my H to think there is hope.

File for divorce and actually follow through. 

 

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

The worst is to see him hurt, to read his messages about how hurt he feels and how he still hopes for us staying together. I hate to see him cry. My best friend reminds me to think of days when I cried over and over again after he treated me badly. How much unhappiness I went through.

All while you were carrying on in an affair with another man.  You're not innocent by a long shot.  Instead of involving yourself in another affair why not lay men down for a moment and seek therapy to find out why having these "side" men are so important to you and why you cheat.  It will help your daughter more to heal yourself so she doesn't think cheating on her husband (if she marries) is acceptable because that's what her mother did.

[BaileyB]

Is this new man also married? Or single?

I am another who thinks you would do well to be single for a good long while, as you have a lot of personal work to do free from any romantic entanglement. 

Edited December 6, 2022 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

Viva, I certainly remember you, but I don't remember your entire old thread and am too lazy to look it up (TBH). 

It DOES sound like you swapped out one OM for a "better model".

From what you write in this thread, your husband doesn't sound like an abuser or anything (but maybe I'm wrong). However, I'd note that some abusers don't cope well with the prospect of losing their partner and may try very hard (and in their own way quite sincerely) to keep their partner. However, unless they are committed to changing themselves and getting therapy (and from what I understand, often even then), it's likely to just go back to how it was if you stay. I suspect the same holds true for many folks who aren't abusers but who aren't sensitive to their partner's emotional states as well. That's not a recommendation to divorce, but is (IMO) pointing out a probability that's relevant to your current situation.

In theory, it would be best to finish the divorce (you seem set on) and then find a new partner. In practice, there's plenty of people who don't do that and jump to a new relationship fairly quickly. There can be various reasons for that.

Your unwillingness to not have an OM may be related to your anxious attachment style. Perhaps you don't feel emotionally secure without a partner or at least a prospective one? There are plenty of people like this in the world, frankly.

Edited December 6, 2022 by mark clemson

[Vivalavi]

13 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Oh, Viva.

Basically nothing has changed, other than the OM. You swapped out one for another, but you're more or less in exactly the same situation as before. 

File for divorce and actually follow through. 

 

I am going follow through with my divorce. There is no coming back. Regardless, of OM.

[Vivalavi]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Is this new man also married? Or single?

I am another who thinks you would do well to be single for a good long while, as you have a lot of personal work to do free from any romantic entanglement. 

I entirely agree on needing to work on myself. I need it more than ever.

He is single. No kids, no previous wife.

[Vivalavi]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Viva, I certainly remember you, but I don't remember your entire old thread and am too lazy to look it up (TBH). 

It DOES sound like you swapped out one OM for a "better model".

From what you write in this thread, your husband doesn't sound like an abuser or anything (but maybe I'm wrong). However, I'd note that some abusers don't cope well with the prospect of losing their partner and may try very hard (and in their own way quite sincerely) to keep their partner. However, unless they are committed to changing themselves and getting therapy (and from what I understand, often even then), it's likely to just go back to how it was if you stay. I suspect the same holds true for many folks who aren't abusers but who aren't sensitive to their partner's emotional states as well. That's not a recommendation to divorce, but is (IMO) pointing out a probability that's relevant to your current situation.

In theory, it would be best to finish the divorce (you seem set on) and then find a new partner. In practice, there's plenty of people who don't do that and jump to a new relationship fairly quickly. There can be various reasons for that.

Your unwillingness to not have an OM may be related to your anxious attachment style. Perhaps you don't feel emotionally secure without a partner or at least a prospective one? There are plenty of people like this in the world, frankly.

Mark, my H was abusive mentally and physically several years ago. After MC, the most of physical violence went away, he still has his emotionally abusive moments where he can't control his anger, put downs, etc. 

Looking back, we both didn't communicate properly and the way he was back then is on both of us. Too late now. 

When it comes to jumping from relationships...I've never been on my own really. Straight from parents house I got married when I was 20. IDK what it is to be on my own. I need to work on whatever that is underneath my anxious attachment. 

My lil sister is single and she does the same thing. Jumping from guy to another guy because she can't stand being alone. And getting abused in process. Pretty sad to watch. 

[Vivalavi]

6 hours ago, stillafool said:

All while you were carrying on in an affair with another man.  You're not innocent by a long shot.  Instead of involving yourself in another affair why not lay men down for a moment and seek therapy to find out why having these "side" men are so important to you and why you cheat.  It will help your daughter more to heal yourself so she doesn't think cheating on her husband (if she marries) is acceptable because that's what her mother did.

You are very much right. It is hard to see sometimes how faulty one can become.

[BaileyB]

32 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

He is single. No kids, no previous wife.

Well thank goodness for that.

Although, the fact that he is single and pursuing a married woman is still a HUGE red flag. 

[Bittersweetie]

Viva, after my d-day, I have no doubt that if I had not done the really hard and painful work of figuring out why I made the unhealthy choices I did, I would have fallen into an affair trap again. If not with xOM, maybe someone else. But facing and working through all of my issues is what has caused me to strengthen my boundaries, rebuild my personal integrity, and make better choices for myself and my marriage.

It does seem you have just jumped from one fire to another, and I think the reasoning is because you have not truly faced and worked through your own personal stuff. You have gone through a lot. But sometimes the incision needs to heal from the inside out; a simple band-aid does not work. I know that facing and talking through everything seems overwhelming and scary...but it is worth it, and you can come out on the other side stronger and healthier. And wouldn't that be better for your daughter? Please think about what choices would be better long term rather than short term. Good luck.

[Bittersweetie]

I want to add...when I started on working on myself, I had no idea whether my marriage would survive. I decided to work on myself for ME, not my marriage. I think it is the correct decision to move on from your husband, and that you work on yourself for a bit without another man in the picture. It would be beneficial to you, and show a healthy example for your daughter.

[basil67]

17 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

I am also not sure how to stand behind my decision on divorce. How to stop my H to think there is hope. I don't want that. I don't want him to hurt more by hoping. My life is a mess and it is all my fault. 

Obviously, you remove any hope by moving out, setting up custody arrangements and filing for divorce.   But the fact that you are concerned about him having hope suggests that you're going to leave him hanging in limbo

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

I am going follow through with my divorce. There is no coming back. Regardless, of OM.

Then that should kill any hope he has, no?

When are you filing? 

[Wiseman2]

On 12/6/2022 at 1:36 AM, Vivalavi said:

 I talked to my husband about divorce back in summer. His response was that he won't agree and will make me suffer in this marriage 

Do you live in a culture where you need the husband's permission to divorce? It's unclear why you can't consult an attorney for information about it.

[mark clemson]

19 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

Jumping from guy to another guy because she can't stand being alone. And getting abused in process.

So this is both of you really. I'm no expert on why people may choose abusive partners, but it sounds like perhaps something in your early home life impacted you both WRT this. It's possible IMO that it might also be something genetic as some people seem to have "naturally" higher anxiety levels than others.

Suggests to me a call for therapy (if you're not doing that already) to at least give you techniques to help you "manage" your feelings/emotional state.

All that said, it's certainly true that there many people in the world who are not particularly comfortable alone and prefer to be with a partner. I'm not sure they're all "problematic."  However, gravitating towards and choosing genuinely abusive partners probably is problematic.

[torn_heart]

The only good thing about this post is that the new OM doesn't treat you like garbage. I'm happy to read that, but as many have said and will keep saying, you shouldn't have started a new relationship this soon and without getting your act together.

I'll say it again, the good thing is that you are being treated well by the OM and I think this is helping your self esteem

[glows]

Divorce your husband and start your new life. Care for your daughter. She continues to have a right to a relationship with her father. Stop listening to the nonsense threats and armtwisting coming from your abusive spouse. 

I agree you may need to do a lot more work on your own before entering a new relationship. I would not be surprised if Affair Guy #2 appears paltry and you have no more feelings for him once you’re divorced and settled in a new life as a single parent. You may even question someone who agrees to affairs with your old married self. We move on.

Edited December 11, 2022 by glows

[JTSW]

I honestly feel for you.

You have an abusive, manipulative husband when all you want is to be loved and treated good.

You will not mess your daughter up at all so don't let him manipulate you like that.

Follow through with the divorce.

Take some time for yourself and re-evaluate your life.

You are not a fool.