Agent M Posted December 6, 2022 Share Posted December 6, 2022 Hi! I broke up with my boyfriend of over 10 years about a year and a half ago. Ever since, he has been trying to get me back. He reaches out to me whenever anything happens in his life that he wants to talk to me about. So, a death in the family, buying a house, quitting the band, etc. We spent last New Year’s on zoom together, and I made him part of our family gatherings by zoom on the holidays because he was all by himself. He wrote songs and dedicated them to me on Facebook. So last summer I hung out with him at the beach a few times, and went to the fair a with him, besides the normal phone calls and texting. I even slept over his house with no contact. When I left the fair, he was crying. And clinging to me. Next thing I knew, I hear nothing. Then when I contacted him about Thanksgiving, he told me that he started dating an old friend who’s going through divorce. My question is, if he was so in love with me, how does he just leave? If I was giving him attention, and he was happy with that, why wouldn’t he send me a note saying hey look, if you and I are definitely over, I think I might try and date someone else. ?? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 6, 2022 Share Posted December 6, 2022 It sounds like when you were hanging out with him it was during the summer. Now it's going on Winter and he's met someone else. If you broke up with him a year and a half ago why haven't you told him you want to get back together since you were the one who broke up? Now it seems he's moved on and already in another relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted December 6, 2022 Share Posted December 6, 2022 he doesn't have to tell you anything about you two "being over" because you dumped him over a year ago, he's free to date anyone he wants, that's what breaking up is all about. it seems clear you had no intention of getting back together with him, don't you want him to be happy? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Agent M Posted December 6, 2022 Author Share Posted December 6, 2022 18 minutes ago, stillafool said: It sounds like when you were hanging out with him it was during the summer. Now it's going on Winter and he's met someone else. If you broke up with him a year and a half ago why haven't you told him you want to get back together since you were the one who broke up? Now it seems he's moved on and already in another relationship. No, it was mid-September when we went to the fair, and then I stopped hearing from him right away. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 6, 2022 Share Posted December 6, 2022 Just now, Agent M said: No, it was mid-September when we went to the fair, and then I stopped hearing from him right away. Well if it is an old friend don't you know her/him since you were with him for 10 years? Obviously he was seeing and talking to them at the same time as you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Agent M Posted December 6, 2022 Author Share Posted December 6, 2022 10 minutes ago, flitzanu said: he doesn't have to tell you anything about you two "being over" because you dumped him over a year ago, he's free to date anyone he wants, that's what breaking up is all about. it seems clear you had no intention of getting back together with him, don't you want him to be happy? I guess my problem is that we had a really close friendship and now it’s distance. It seems like he just walked away. It would’ve been nice if he said some thing about it before I find out two months later and now have no friendship with him so to speak. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Agent M Posted December 6, 2022 Author Share Posted December 6, 2022 (edited) 16 minutes ago, stillafool said: Well if it is an old friend don't you know her/him since you were with him for 10 years? Obviously he was seeing and talking to them at the same time as you. No, this was a friend of his from the 90s. Before my time. We never really hung out with anybody except his family and a few of his friends,. He ran into her at a gig. Edited December 6, 2022 by Agent M Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 6, 2022 Share Posted December 6, 2022 Had he talked to you about this friend and their pass together? Link to post Share on other sites
Ray_xx Posted December 6, 2022 Share Posted December 6, 2022 It sounds like the bond was that strong, you were like a sister to him in the end and sometimes that's the hardest bit to let go of but once romance starts with someone else, it makes the door easier to close sadly. Move on and find romance - lock it and throw the key away - life goes on 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Agent M Posted December 6, 2022 Author Share Posted December 6, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, stillafool said: Had he talked to you about this friend and their pass together? No, nothing. I’m thinking, maybe he met her after we last spoke, and then didn’t tell me until I asked him about what he was doing for Thanksgiving. He just dropped all communications mid-September, and I was trying to be respectful of him, possibly needing some space. Edited December 6, 2022 by Agent M Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted December 6, 2022 Share Posted December 6, 2022 He's been trying to get you back for a year and a half after you dumped him, and clearly you kept him in the "friend zone" or whatever you want to call it. Regardless, you weren't responding as if you were going for it. He certainly doesn't owe you any explanations, although he did give you one. Good for him for moving on. Sounds like he was in a pretty toxic situation with you, clinging on for so long where there was no hope for reciprocation. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted December 6, 2022 Share Posted December 6, 2022 Sounds like he acknowledged that as long as you're in his life he'd be holding on to the hope that you'd change your mind, and that means he'd never meet someone else. He can't get fully involved with someone new if his ex is still in the picture because most new partners won't tolerate that scenario. It's good to be friendly with exes, but not to the extent that you're their number one confidante because that undermines any new relationships either of you get involved in. If he's transferred his loyalty to his new partner that's a good thing, he's moving forward with his life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Agent M Posted December 6, 2022 Author Share Posted December 6, 2022 3 minutes ago, Ray_xx said: It sounds like the bond was that strong, you were like a sister to him in the end and sometimes that's the hardest bit to let go of but once romance starts with someone else, it makes the door easier to close sadly. Move on and find romance - lock it and throw the key away - life goes on No, never like a sister, he was actively chasing me. But I agree with the rest of what you wrote. Or perhaps he was just feeling lonely and didn’t want somebody else until he met somebody else. I don’t know. Seems like if he liked me so much, he would’ve at least reached out to me before starting something new. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted December 6, 2022 Share Posted December 6, 2022 He wasn't your friend. Rather, he wanted to get back together and you kept him in the friendzone. Be glad for him that he's been able to finally let you go and start afresh. And for what it's worth, any new partner for either of you won't want an ex/bestie hanging on in the wings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted December 6, 2022 Share Posted December 6, 2022 1 minute ago, Agent M said: Seems like if he liked me so much, he would’ve at least reached out to me before starting something new. Doesn't all that hanging out together qualify as "reaching out" to you? You are clearly aware that he was trying to court you. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted December 6, 2022 Share Posted December 6, 2022 (edited) 2 minutes ago, Agent M said: Seems like if he liked me so much, he would’ve at least reached out to me before starting something new. It could be that he finally realised that he was in the friendzone and lost all respect for you because of it. He may well be thinking that you were giving him mixed messages or something and resenting you. Edited December 6, 2022 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted December 6, 2022 Share Posted December 6, 2022 Did you actually want to get back together with him? I'm curious about your motivation for ending a 10 year relationship and then evidently stringing him along for 1.5 years after. What was that about? His participation of course was his own responsibility and not yours, but it is not exactly upstanding behavior to do things like sleep with a man with "no contact" after you've dumped him AND you believe he's in love with you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Agent M Posted December 6, 2022 Author Share Posted December 6, 2022 38 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: He's been trying to get you back for a year and a half after you dumped him, and clearly you kept him in the "friend zone" or whatever you want to call it. Regardless, you weren't responding as if you were going for it. He certainly doesn't owe you any explanations, although he did give you one. Good for him for moving on. Sounds like he was in a pretty toxic situation with you, clinging on for so long where there was no hope for reciprocation. Interesting thing, though, when he finally did tell me, he was acting as though he had left me. I thought it was odd. He would cut and run all of a sudden. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted December 6, 2022 Share Posted December 6, 2022 7 minutes ago, Agent M said: Interesting thing, though, when he finally did tell me, he was acting as though he had left me. I thought it was odd. He would cut and run all of a sudden. Well, he did kind of leave you. As you've described it, he's been "carrying a torch" for you for a long time. He's made the decision to throw the torch into the lake and spend his time and energy with someone who is interested in him as a romantic partner. So, as of that time, he was OUT. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted December 6, 2022 Share Posted December 6, 2022 (edited) 3 hours ago, Agent M said: My question is, if he was so in love with me, how does he just leave? If I was giving him attention, and he was happy with that, why wouldn’t he send me a note saying hey look, if you and I are definitely over, I think I might try and date someone else. ?? Why did you break up with him? And why did you break up with him but continue to keep him in your life? Edited December 6, 2022 by Beachead Link to post Share on other sites
Alvi Posted December 7, 2022 Share Posted December 7, 2022 (edited) I am confused. You: 1. Dumped him after dating him after 10 years of dating. There must be a good reason for that, because 10 years is a very long time to be with someone. Pretty sure it was a good reason that you have decided to end things. 2. After you dumped him, he was hanging around, orbiting you, wanting to get back together for a year and half. 3. For whatever reason, you didn't want to get back together with him (although he showed a great interest in you). You didn't go no contact with him because you enjoyed him showering you with the attention???? 4. He probably realized that he has no chance for the two of you getting back together romantically. He met someone else (or reconnected with an old friend) and started dating her. 5. He backed off, which is reasonable, since he is dating someone else now. 6. You want him now all of the sadden? You dumped him and didn't want to get back together for the year and a half but you want him back because he is off limits now? May I ask why? Why don't you wish him well, block him and move on? Obviously, you don't want him enough and he is moving on. 6 hours ago, Agent M said: When I left the fair, he was crying. And clinging to me. Next thing I knew, I hear nothing. Crying? Clinging? Wow, just wow. He probably realized that he is a hot mess and that his attachment to you is very unhealthy and decided to move on. And yes, going no contact is a right thing to do. This definitely wasn't healthy for him. Wonder how healthy this is for you. Edited December 7, 2022 by Alvi 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Alvi Posted December 7, 2022 Share Posted December 7, 2022 Even your title says, "supposedly totally in love with me." Really? Do you expect him to be in love with you for the rest of his life? I think this is a case of a bruised ego. Nowhere in your posts you say that you actually made a big mistake breaking up with him or that you want him back. You kept him as your admirer for more than a year. Why do you think that he is not allowed to stop loving you and moving on? He actually made you a huge favor by letting you go, believe it or not. It's like the two of you were stuck in this neverending, unhealthy cycle, where he was relying on you on you and you allowing him to rely on you. He bloke free and you feel a void. How he is on his way to build a new chapter of his life and you should do the same. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Agent M Posted December 7, 2022 Author Share Posted December 7, 2022 3 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: Doesn't all that hanging out together qualify as "reaching out" to you? You are clearly aware that he was trying to court you. No, he suddenly dropped all communications after this girl showed up at one of his gigs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Agent M Posted December 7, 2022 Author Share Posted December 7, 2022 (edited) 3 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: Well, he did kind of leave you. As you've described it, he's been "carrying a torch" for you for a long time. He's made the decision to throw the torch into the lake and spend his time and energy with someone who is interested in him as a romantic partner. So, as of that time, he was OUT. Yes, but my original question was why would he not let me know if he was thinking of dating someone else or at least give me right to speak my mind if he was so in love with me as he said and acted? 3 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: Edited December 7, 2022 by Agent M Link to post Share on other sites
Author Agent M Posted December 7, 2022 Author Share Posted December 7, 2022 3 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: Did you actually want to get back together with him? I'm curious about your motivation for ending a 10 year relationship and then evidently stringing him along for 1.5 years after. What was that about? His participation of course was his own responsibility and not yours, but it is not exactly upstanding behavior to do things like sleep with a man with "no contact" after you've dumped him AND you believe he's in love with you. No, the "no contact " meant just that, no contact. And no, I did not string him along. He kept in contact with me. Link to post Share on other sites
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