Ghosted by ex who is supposedly totally in love with me

[glows]

It’s never easy. Maybe it looks easy to others but everyone has their own personal battle and challenges. We don’t always have to understand why someone is the way they are.

All you know is that he’s not with you and he chose that. Keep telling yourself it didn’t work. 

[stillafool]

35 minutes ago, Agent M said:

Thanks. So strange. My mind keeps asking how he left so suddenly...after telling me I made his summer by going to the beach with him on 2 separate occasions, and putting tons of attention into the relationship in various ways.. Personally I have noticed that when I'm stuck on someone, it's not so easy to just leave. Just still a little confused with is complete change of behavior. Thanks.

He was probably telling you the truth that you made his summer but he also knew you didn't want more and then his ex became available.  Maybe it's just now that he's gone you realize that you really did want to be with him, if not, it's really not fair to begrudge him this relationship.  Try to be happy for your friend that he's finally found someone.

[Agent M]

18 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He was probably telling you the truth that you made his summer but he also knew you didn't want more and then his ex became available.  Maybe it's just now that he's gone you realize that you really did want to be with him, if not, it's really not fair to begrudge him this relationship.  Try to be happy for your friend that he's finally found someone.

Yeah, he says he held the door open for me but I just wasn't walking through it. The girl he's seeing isn't an ex but an old friend he never dated who is going through a divorce. No, I don't begrudge him the relationship but I do wonder how it was so easy to leave. Seems weird to suck me back in then drop it all of a sudden. We had just started hanging out again.

Edited December 19, 2022 by Agent M

[basil67]

10 minutes ago, Agent M said:

No, I don't begrudge him the relationship but I do wonder how it was so easy to leave. Seems weird to suck me back in then drop it all of a sudden. We had just started hanging out again.

What makes you think it was easy?   If it was easy, he would have walked away from you the moment you dropped him.   

Heck, he may well have been writing on a message board like this....or talking with friends... asking advice on how to deal with this situation.  He would have been told by all and sundry that you've been stringing him on and he needs to remove you from his life in order to get over you.  He might have said that he's worried about hurting you and the writers would have responded that your feelings on this should be irrelevant to him.   And eventually he listened and did the right thing for himself

 

[stillafool]

22 minutes ago, Agent M said:

Yeah, he says he held the door open for me but I just wasn't walking through it. The girl he's seeing isn't an ex but an old friend he never dated who is going through a divorce. No, I don't begrudge him the relationship but I do wonder how it was so easy to leave. Seems weird to suck me back in then drop it all of a sudden. We had just started hanging out again.

It's doubtful he was trying to suck you back in but was probably trying to be a friend to you since he knew you didn't want more.  As far as it being all of a sudden, he probably was in talks with her for a while.  You just didn't know about it.  Then things got serious between them.  

[Agent M]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

It's doubtful he was trying to suck you back in but was probably trying to be a friend to you since he knew you didn't want more.  As far as it being all of a sudden, he probably was in talks with her for a while.  You just didn't know about it.  Then things got serious between them.  

He was definitely trying to suck me back in. Asking me to spend time together, go places, texting me pics, telling me he went to our spot on the beach hoping I would be there, how I made his summer, crying a little when I left the fair and he was with me, etc. He told me the girl he is now dating came to his brother's gig which he was playing at, and it was a total surprise. When he told me about it, I could hear it in his voice that it was a surprise. BUT, I have to agree with you that there was more to it. Maybe she showed up at the gig while he was still trying for me, then decided to go for her when things didn't pan out with us and I didn't know about it as you said.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Agent M said:

He was definitely trying to suck me back in. Asking me to spend time together, go places, texting me pics, telling me he went to our spot on the beach hoping I would be there, how I made his summer, crying a little when I left the fair and he was with me, etc.

Unfortunate that you knew what he was doing and indulged him.   

[NuevoYorko]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Unfortunate that you knew what he was doing and indulged him.   

It's likely that this played a big part in the whole dynamic.  

So he was trying to "suck [OP} back in" (which I think is a pretty nasty turn of phrase).  OP was aware of this for 1.5 years and, yes, strung him along.   

OP:  From where you stand, you are seeing it as "easy" for him to finally cut the cord.  From his perspective, he had probably been struggling and completely pummeling his own self esteem into the dirt in the process, because he was so vulnerable and trying, and you were simply enjoying all the attention.  The point was bound to come where he would wake up to his situation and quit it.   This new woman in his life was a catalyst for something that had to happen for him.

It had to happen for you, too.  

[Wiseman2]

On 12/6/2022 at 1:40 PM, Agent M said:

 he told me that he started dating an old friend who’s going through divorce. 

Unfortunately this is not all that uncommon. He simply reaches out in between women, during dry spells, etc.

Sadly this isn't flattering, it's just that the ex is comfortable, like old familiar slippers. Try not to fall the friends trap.

Of course it's up to you to cut your losses and move forward rather than entertain him when he's lonely or bored.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's good you didn't reply to him. 

It's no longer important why he seemed to suddenly drop out of your life. What's important is that you close this chapter of your life and start moving on without him. He's already doing so. Now it's your turn, too. 

You two will be fond memories for each other, but you don't need to (and shouldn't) remain in each other's lives. 

[Acacia98]

7 hours ago, Agent M said:

Seems weird to suck me back in then drop it all of a sudden. We had just started hanging out again.

Oh, it happens. And it's not rare at all. Something vaguely similar happened to me: I was in a relationship with a guy and we were having problems. Based on his behavior, I thought he wanted out. But he convinced me he wanted to work things out. Absolutely convinced me. Then he was suddenly gone. Decided to check out without any explanation. He shut the door so firmly that it felt like he'd flipped a switch and turned his feelings for me off overnight. It was very confusing and I couldn't move on immediately because I couldn't make sense of what had happened. How can someone be fighting for a relationship one moment and then ghosting you the next? But I eventually realized I didn't have to understand why he did it. All I needed to know was that he wasn't behaving like someone who wanted to be with me. And that realization pushed me to move on.

What ultimately helped me was the fact that I blocked him everywhere. So I have no idea whether he ever sought me out or changed his mind or whatever. And that was fine by me. I realized that if I'd known he was looking for me or if he'd managed to reach me, that might have set me back.

Once I decided I wanted to move on, I understood I had to create a space in which I could recover and start to move on at my own pace without being subject to his whims or whatever drama was going on in his life. You owe yourself the same. It's good that you've resisted responding. Now just block him everywhere and focus on yourself. Some of the answers to your questions will come to you when you've had time to move beyond the emotions of the moment and to reflect on your relationship. 

One subject that you should certainly look up is co-dependency. I think your story suggests that both you and your ex were in a co-dependent relationship. 

Edited December 20, 2022 by Acacia98

[glows]

8 hours ago, Agent M said:

He was definitely trying to suck me back in. Asking me to spend time together, go places, texting me pics, telling me he went to our spot on the beach hoping I would be there, how I made his summer, crying a little when I left the fair and he was with me, etc. He told me the girl he is now dating came to his brother's gig which he was playing at, and it was a total surprise. When he told me about it, I could hear it in his voice that it was a surprise. BUT, I have to agree with you that there was more to it. Maybe she showed up at the gig while he was still trying for me, then decided to go for her when things didn't pan out with us and I didn't know about it as you said.

There’s still some care that is often left after a break up. You were together for a decade. When you’re feeling down remember the reasons why you broke up with him. This wasn’t meant to last and you both went separate ways - different lifestyles, choices and so on. 

There is also still a lot of emphasis on what he does or what he’s thinking. You haven’t seemed to change that focus back to you fully and heal. The main focus is what you are doing now and what you’re thinking for your future. One thing I learned is that it is definitely ok to let go.

The problem solving/relationship mode is over. Letting go means also letting go of that thinking as if you’re still connected in the relationship, trying to solve issues like lack of communication, what’s going on in his life, how it’s tied to you etc. All that ends. And it’s often a difficult and painful process even for those who want a break up and initiate the break up. All the thinking you had for the past decade changes. Learn to be happy and confident being single, being in your own space without worrying about an ex. When the time comes you’ll meet someone else if that’s what you’re looking for later.

[Agent M]

On 12/19/2022 at 9:28 PM, basil67 said:

Unfortunate that you knew what he was doing and indulged him.   

I did not really think about it until all of this. I probably thought he was totally out of my system, but apparently he was not.

[Agent M]

On 12/19/2022 at 11:22 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately this is not all that uncommon. He simply reaches out in between women, during dry spells, etc.

Sadly this isn't flattering, it's just that the ex is comfortable, like old familiar slippers. Try not to fall the friends trap.

Of course it's up to you to cut your losses and move forward rather than entertain him when he's lonely or bored.

Thanks. I'm starting to get some distance from it but still feeling funny because he flipped his feelings so quickly. Really, he acts a little like he's feeling sorry for me now with some of the things he says. A little weird. I think you are right to just not fall into the friends trap.

[stillafool]

On 12/19/2022 at 7:28 PM, Agent M said:

He told me the girl he is now dating came to his brother's gig which he was playing at, and it was a total surprise. When he told me about it, I could hear it in his voice that it was a surprise. BUT, I have to agree with you that there was more to it. Maybe she showed up at the gig while he was still trying for me, then decided to go for her when things didn't pan out with us and I didn't know about it as you said.

It sounds like this girl was someone he really liked and when she actually showed up at his gig he was surprised because that was evidence that she liked him too and the rest is history.

[stillafool]

7 minutes ago, Agent M said:

Really, he acts a little like he's feeling sorry for me now with some of the things he says. A little weird. I think you are right to just not fall into the friends trap.

Are you still trying to talk to him?

[Agent M]

On 12/20/2022 at 1:54 AM, Acacia98 said:

Oh, it happens. And it's not rare at all. Something vaguely similar happened to me: I was in a relationship with a guy and we were having problems. Based on his behavior, I thought he wanted out. But he convinced me he wanted to work things out. Absolutely convinced me. Then he was suddenly gone. Decided to check out without any explanation. He shut the door so firmly that it felt like he'd flipped a switch and turned his feelings for me off overnight. It was very confusing and I couldn't move on immediately because I couldn't make sense of what had happened. How can someone be fighting for a relationship one moment and then ghosting you the next? But I eventually realized I didn't have to understand why he did it. All I needed to know was that he wasn't behaving like someone who wanted to be with me. And that realization pushed me to move on.

What ultimately helped me was the fact that I blocked him everywhere. So I have no idea whether he ever sought me out or changed his mind or whatever. And that was fine by me. I realized that if I'd known he was looking for me or if he'd managed to reach me, that might have set me back.

Once I decided I wanted to move on, I understood I had to create a space in which I could recover and start to move on at my own pace without being subject to his whims or whatever drama was going on in his life. You owe yourself the same. It's good that you've resisted responding. Now just block him everywhere and focus on yourself. Some of the answers to your questions will come to you when you've had time to move beyond the emotions of the moment and to reflect on your relationship. 

One subject that you should certainly look up is co-dependency. I think your story suggests that both you and your ex were in a co-dependent relationship. 

Wow, thanks so much for sharing your story and some wisdom. Your story made me feel a lot better. I had started feeling like I was the only one. I don't understand the thinking that goes into adamantly persuing one person, then dropping them in the next breath. How does a person turn their feelings off overnight? I know what you mean when you say you couldn't make sense of what had happened and that you couldn't move on completely because of the confusion. My ex still wants to be good friends but I just cannot. I see that I am too interested in taking care of him (what you said about co-dependency is worth a look into). I think you've been really strong, to block him and move on. I considered replying to his last text with a "Right on" and letting it be at that, so at least I responded as his text was nice. I don't know. I'm sad to lose him completely. I was doing fine at first until all he reached out to me desperately about the going on in his life and was trying to be so nice. Then I felt happy and was blindsided by the new person.

[Agent M]

On 12/20/2022 at 4:31 AM, glows said:

There’s still some care that is often left after a break up. You were together for a decade. When you’re feeling down remember the reasons why you broke up with him. This wasn’t meant to last and you both went separate ways - different lifestyles, choices and so on. 

There is also still a lot of emphasis on what he does or what he’s thinking. You haven’t seemed to change that focus back to you fully and heal. The main focus is what you are doing now and what you’re thinking for your future. One thing I learned is that it is definitely ok to let go.

The problem solving/relationship mode is over. Letting go means also letting go of that thinking as if you’re still connected in the relationship, trying to solve issues like lack of communication, what’s going on in his life, how it’s tied to you etc. All that ends. And it’s often a difficult and painful process even for those who want a break up and initiate the break up. All the thinking you had for the past decade changes. Learn to be happy and confident being single, being in your own space without worrying about an ex. When the time comes you’ll meet someone else if that’s what you’re looking for later.

Thank you so much. Your words are really helping me heal and keeping me sustained. Thanks for being so supportive. You bring up a good point about me worrying about what he does or is thinking, etc. Yes, I 'm only starting to back off on that now that I never answered his last text. It was a nice text but about how he can't prearrange phone calls with me because she is now in the picture and supposedly comes by when he doesn't know she will. Honestly, he slept through two calls we had prearranged and then she was around for the next so he told me he wasn't available. So I thought I might just reply to his text, "Right on" so that at least Iv'e said something. Then leave it alone. It said some other things too like he told her we are still good friends and she told him she doesn't want him talking to me when she is around  (obviously). It is hard to let go; I'm surprised because the reasons I broke up with him are good ones. Yes, I have to change my thinking now. At least it is all starting to fade some. I don't want to be friends with him right now anyway, because I'll just get upset again. It's too weird.

[Agent M]

17 minutes ago, stillafool said:

It sounds like this girl was someone he really liked and when she actually showed up at his gig he was surprised because that was evidence that she liked him too and the rest is history.

Perhaps. He seemed to tell me it was a total surprise. I know the bar where he was performing and it's not a busy place. So it seems a little unusual.

[Agent M]

18 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Are you still trying to talk to him?

No, I did not respond to his last two texts or phone call. I haven't even listened to the message he left from 2 weeks ago. He has't attempted to contact me since then.

Edited December 24, 2022 by Agent M

[NuevoYorko]

5 minutes ago, Agent M said:

 How does a person turn their feelings off overnight? 

It almost seems like you're being willfully disingenuous.  

You dumped him A YEAR AND A HALF AGO.

According you, he said he'd "held the door open for you" and you never walked through it.  For 1.5 years he's evidently been carrying his sad torch of unrequited love for you.  Ugh. Depressing.  Poor guy. 

He's been trying to "turn his feelings off" since you dumped him.  You have been leading him on (aware the whole time he was trying to "suck you back in").   But finally enough was enough, and meeting someone who he liked and who evidently reciprocates his feelings  finally bumped him out of this unhealthy rut he was in.

It's meaningful that you are so hung up on his feelings (what you think they are, anyway).   You don't talk about how you'll miss hanging out with him - it's all about how he could stop being "totally in love" with you.  Fawning over you was the role you wanted him to play in your life ... forever?

His feelings about you are an unhealthy preoccupation for you.  They became none of your business as soon as you dumped him, and that was the time for you to have MOVED ON so he could have as well.    And sorry, but  it does paint you in  a negative light.  It seems that you'd be happy to use  person for  ego fuel for as long as they were willing to keep providing it.    

[glows]

11 minutes ago, Agent M said:

Thank you so much. Your words are really helping me heal and keeping me sustained. Thanks for being so supportive. You bring up a good point about me worrying about what he does or is thinking, etc. Yes, I 'm only starting to back off on that now that I never answered his last text. It was a nice text but about how he can't prearrange phone calls with me because she is now in the picture and supposedly comes by when he doesn't know she will. Honestly, he slept through two calls we had prearranged and then she was around for the next so he told me he wasn't available. So I thought I might just reply to his text, "Right on" so that at least Iv'e said something. Then leave it alone. It said some other things too like he told her we are still good friends and she told him she doesn't want him talking to me when she is around  (obviously). It is hard to let go; I'm surprised because the reasons I broke up with him are good ones. Yes, I have to change my thinking now. At least it is all starting to fade some. I don't want to be friends with him right now anyway, because I'll just get upset again. It's too weird.

It’s better not to respond. Your reasons were health and lifestyle because he smokes like Cheech & Chong. You’re not compatible and it’s time to let go.

 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Agent M said:

Really, he acts a little like he's feeling sorry for me now with some of the things he says. A little weird. I think you are right to just not fall into the friends trap.

Really??  Then what do you mean by the above statement?  This indicates you're talking to him.

43 minutes ago, Agent M said:

No, I did not respond to his last two texts or phone call. I haven't even listened to the message he left from 2 weeks ago. He has't attempted to contact me since then.

 

[poppyfields]

On 12/19/2022 at 2:57 PM, Agent M said:

Personally I have noticed that when I'm stuck on someone, it's not so easy to just leave. Just still a little confused with is complete change of behavior.

Something I've learned is that not everyone is going behave and respond to things the way I do.  Or how you do or how anyone else does. 

That is actually a very self-centered way of thinking, my stepmum pointed this out to me.  As I used to be quite entitled when younger expecting people to behave and respond the way I do. 

And that men should continue pining away for me even after I've dumped them.

It was part ego and part entitlement.  

Please reflect on that as I see similarities.

He has his reasons for leaving and your job is to accept that this was what was right for HIM.

Ghosting is quite common these days, which in and of itself, IS your answer. 

Accept it and move on; it could be anything from after spending the day with you over the summer, he realized he's not as much in love with you as he thought (which is my take) to he decided to get a grip on himself and realized remaining "friends" with you wasn't working for him, combined with he met another woman who he feels is a better fit. 

May I ask why him leaving now hurts you so much?

You dumped him remember?  

I'm not getting it.  It almost sounds like you're in love with him and jealous of his new girl?

My advice is do some self-reflecting to determine your own reactions, your obsession with this situation is not healthy. 

Good luck. 

 

[Wiseman2]

On 12/24/2022 at 1:10 PM, Agent M said:

. I don't understand the thinking that goes into adamantly persuing one person, then dropping them in the next breath. 

It seems paradoxical, but it's really 2 sides of the same coin. Both are shallow and superficial. But our minds want us to believe that the good stuff is sincere and only the bad stuff is baffling.

Have you ever heard the term "sizzle and fizzle"?  That is something like this.