Ghosted by ex who is supposedly totally in love with me

[basil67]

Also re persuing and dropping, another word to explain it could be “epiphany”.  The sudden realisation that he’s wasting his time on you and shutting off like a light switch.  

[NuevoYorko]

I don't even see it as "pursuing" and "dropping."

He was CLINGING onto the past.  You were together TEN YEARS!   It was not only hopeless, but damaging to him.     He did not "drop" you;  he didn't have you (since you dropped HIM).   He MOVED ON.  

That's what happens when people break up.  It helps when both parties are on board with moving on.  Your case is a little unique, since you were the "dumper" yet you were also the one who kept him orbiting for your ego gratification.  Usually the one who broke up actually takes the initiative to move on, and the person who was dumped has trouble detaching.  You kind of put a twist on this. 

[Agent M]

On 12/25/2022 at 5:19 PM, poppyfields said:

Something I've learned is that not everyone is going behave and respond to things the way I do.  Or how you do or how anyone else does. 

That is actually a very self-centered way of thinking, my stepmum pointed this out to me.  As I used to be quite entitled when younger expecting people to behave and respond the way I do. 

And that men should continue pining away for me even after I've dumped them.

It was part ego and part entitlement.  

Please reflect on that as I see similarities.

He has his reasons for leaving and your job is to accept that this was what was right for HIM.

Ghosting is quite common these days, which in and of itself, IS your answer. 

Accept it and move on; it could be anything from after spending the day with you over the summer, he realized he's not as much in love with you as he thought (which is my take) to he decided to get a grip on himself and realized remaining "friends" with you wasn't working for him, combined with he met another woman who he feels is a better fit. 

May I ask why him leaving now hurts you so much?

You dumped him remember?  

I'm not getting it.  It almost sounds like you're in love with him and jealous of his new girl?

My advice is do some self-reflecting to determine your own reactions, your obsession with this situation is not healthy. 

Good luck. 

 

I think it is because we had become very good friends and we were having fun. I was thinking of moving to his town so we could hang out. We had been together so long and after all, I do care about him. I didn't want to break up but felt it was the best thing to do. Now that he is seeing someone, I don't want to get into the mix. He still wants to be good friends, but it's too weird for me after having been with him for over 10 years.

[Agent M]

On 12/26/2022 at 1:07 AM, Wiseman2 said:

It seems paradoxical, but it's really 2 sides of the same coin. Both are shallow and superficial. But our minds want us to believe that the good stuff is sincere and only the bad stuff is baffling.

Have you ever heard the term "sizzle and fizzle"?  That is something like this.

No, I'll look up sizzle and fizzle though. That's interesting. I really like how you pointed out the two sides of the same coin and that both are shallow and superficial. It make more sense to me that he was chasing me out of neediness and when there was some one else to fill the shoes, he was easily able to go with them as company was what he was really looking for.

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, Agent M said:

 he was easily able to go with them as company was what he was really looking for.

I agree with the rest of what you said except the above.  He was looking for someone to fall in love with him who he could love back.  He already had your company, he wanted a lover.

[Agent M]

On 12/26/2022 at 5:36 AM, basil67 said:

Also re persuing and dropping, another word to explain it could be “epiphany”.  The sudden realisation that he’s wasting his time on you and shutting off like a light switch.  

Yeah, I suppose so....at this point I'm thinking anything is possible....

[Agent M]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

I agree with the rest of what you said except the above.  He was looking for someone to fall in love with him who he could love back.  He already had your company, he wanted a lover.

I still think he must have been lonely, as I did not live with him or communicate with him all the time, so yes while he may want to "love" someone or have them "love" him, he does not want to feel alone.

[NuevoYorko]

7 minutes ago, Agent M said:

I still think he must have been lonely, as I did not live with him or communicate with him all the time, so yes while he may want to "love" someone or have them "love" him, he does not want to feel alone.

Why are you so preoccupied with his personal business?   You seem to have a sense of entitlement around everything to do with him and his personal life.   I get how that happens after 10 years, but you cut him loose a long time ago.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Agent M said:

Yeah, I suppose so....at this point I'm thinking anything is possible....

Of course anything is possible.  This whole thread, including your own ideas is nothing more than speculation.   Only he knows the truth

[stillafool]

 

10 hours ago, Agent M said:

I still think he must have been lonely, as I did not live with him or communicate with him all the time, so yes while he may want to "love" someone or have them "love" him, he does not want to feel alone.

Of course he was lonely for someone to love and love him back and a sexual relationship.  That's why many people are searching for a partner.  Friends are nice but don't take the place of a lover.

Edited December 28, 2022 by stillafool

[Agent M]

12 hours ago, basil67 said:

Of course anything is possible.  This whole thread, including your own ideas is nothing more than speculation.   Only he knows the truth

No...there is some truth. Don't forget I was in an intimate relationship with him for over 10 years.

[NuevoYorko]

33 minutes ago, Agent M said:

No...there is some truth. Don't forget I was in an intimate relationship with him for over 10 years.

There are many of us here on this forum who have been long married and gotten divorced.  I can attest to the fact that it's not "normal" to feel privy to the ex's emotional or other aspects of their personal lives after the primary relationship has been severed.  

Are you aware that you have been using the guy and probably trying to "make him pay" for disappointing you during your relationship?  It sounds fairly classically co-dependent.   He "chose" pot smoking over you and you were invested in making sure he never forgot what he had lost by that choice.  

It seemed to work for 1.5 years, but it's not sustainable.  Of course, one of you had to move on from that dynamic sooner or later.  He was the first to cut the cord. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 12/27/2022 at 6:36 PM, Agent M said:

I was thinking of moving to his town so we could hang out.

Do you realize how bizarre that sounds?

Moving to a town so you can hang out with your ex? I can't imagine how you fathomed that working, nor how that is healthy for exes in any way, but it suggests you thought you two would wind up back together again. It seems you have been a little out of touch with the reality of the break-up for a while and that's why him choosing someone else was such a shock to you.  You didn't see this coming because you didn't really get what breaking up means. 

Anyway, it is better that you cut all ties forever and close this door. You haven't moved on from him and it's really past time that you started letting go. This is the first and most important step.