Ghosted by ex who is supposedly totally in love with me

[Alvi]

1 minute ago, Agent M said:

Yes, but my original question was why would he not let me know if he was thinking of dating someone else or at least give me right to speak my mind if he was so in love with me as he said and acted?

He doesn't need your permission to move on. Most often people just move on without making any announcement. 

[Agent M]

2 hours ago, Beachead said:

Why did you break up with him?  And why did you break up with him but continue to keep him in your life?

He kept reaching out to me with the big problems I posted above. And certainly, I missed him and was happy to help. I broke up with him because he was smoking pot like a Cheech and Chong movie.

 

[Agent M]

33 minutes ago, Alvi said:

I am confused. You:

1. Dumped him after dating him after 10 years of dating. There must be a good reason for that, because 10 years is a very long time to be with someone. Pretty sure it was a good reason that you have decided to end things.

2. After you dumped him, he was hanging around, orbiting you, wanting to get back together for a year and half. 

3. For whatever reason, you didn't want to get back together with him (although he showed a great interest in you). You didn't go no contact with him because you enjoyed him showering you with the attention????

4. He probably realized that he has no chance for the two of you getting back together romantically. He met someone else (or reconnected with an old friend) and started dating her. 

5. He backed off, which is reasonable, since he is dating someone else now.

6. You want him now all of the sadden? You dumped him and didn't want to get back together for the year and a half but you want him back because he is off limits now? May I ask why?

Why don't you wish him well, block him and move on? Obviously, you don't want him enough and he is moving on. 

Crying? Clinging? Wow, just wow. He probably realized that he is a hot mess and that his attachment to you is very unhealthy and decided to move on. And yes, going no contact is a right thing to do. This definitely wasn't healthy for him. Wonder how healthy this is for you. 

No, I don't want him all of a sudden. I miss him as my close friend for years. My original question was why would he not let me know if he was thinking of dating someone else or at least give me right to speak my mind if he was so in love with me as he said and acted? Thanks. He is still asking me off and on to help him with his professional work, editing. Thanks for your help.

[Alpacalia]

While it is good that you had a pleasant friendship following the breakup, let him move on and find happiness with someone else.

[Acacia98]

11 minutes ago, Agent M said:

Yes, but my original question was why would he not let me know if he was thinking of dating someone else or at least give me right to speak my mind if he was so in love with me as he said and acted?

 

 

I think he cut you off abruptly with no explanation because it was the only way he could end things with you once and for all.

Perhaps he felt that, if he let you know he was planning to date someone else, you would have somehow convinced him to keep on carrying a torch for you in a completely hopeless one-sided situation. I'm not sure why you feel you had a right to speak your mind about his moving on. We're you still in love with him? Did you want to reconcile? Something tells me that, if this had been the case, you would have already spoken your mind on the matter. You had 1.5 years to do it.

Like many other folks here, I'm curious about why you would keep him in your life after the breakup when it was clear that he couldn't let you go and was having a hard time moving on. I imagine the kindest thing for you to do to him would have been to go no contact. Now that he's gone, shouldn't you be relieved?

[Agent M]

21 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

I think he cut you off abruptly with no explanation because it was the only way he could end things with you once and for all.

Perhaps he felt that, if he let you know he was planning to date someone else, you would have somehow convinced him to keep on carrying a torch for you in a completely hopeless one-sided situation. I'm not sure why you feel you had a right to speak your mind about his moving on. We're you still in love with him? Did you want to reconcile? Something tells me that, if this had been the case, you would have already spoken your mind on the matter. You had 1.5 years to do it.

Like many other folks here, I'm curious about why you would keep him in your life after the breakup when it was clear that he couldn't let you go and was having a hard time moving on. I imagine the kindest thing for you to do to him would have been to go no contact. Now that he's gone, shouldn't you be relieved?

Thanks. Yes, I did go no contact but as the original post stated, he kept contacting me with emergencies, like a death in the family, quitting his job of 20 years, etc. So, I was responding in order to help him out. Looking back he was reaching out to keep me in his life. He was also trying to be ultra nice to me which was pleasant and I felt close to him especially after being in a relationship for so long and knowing well the people and situations he was reaching out about.  I don't feel I had the right to speak my mind but rather for him to tell me what was going on (with him) instead of just dropping all contact with me when we had been so friendly. He had also been asking me to help him in his work, which I had been doing as a favor. Then suddenly, no contact from him for awhile. Then, when I finally reached out is when he let me know. by text.  He was worried about how it would affect me. Really, what I'm confused about is why he would completely drop it off without explanation, especially if he thought I was "in" to a certain degree. After the text, we set a date to speak on the phone about it, and he never answered the phone despite  my calls and texts. The next day he texted me saying sorry, his ringer was off and he fell asleep (despite the fact we had set up a day and time (Sunday afternoon). So, you see my confusion at the complete 180.

[glows]

Didn’t you say he’s a pothead? Why look for reasoning in the actions of someone who uses to that extent. You know you’re in for a wild ride pockmarked by more questions than answers. 

My thoughts on this are he sensed you started to care and didn’t feel the same way. When it really came down to it he just wasn’t that into you anymore.

[NuevoYorko]

It's not confusing at all.   You dumped him quite a long time ago.   As of that moment, his dating life has been none of your business.  Your dating life has been none of his business as well.  

It seems that you're being quite disingenuous here.  You were definitely keeping him attached.  There would have been no zoom on NYE, no getting together with YOUR family on the holidays via zoom, no beach dates or freaking sleepovers if you weren't putting in a hefty effort to keep this going.

Anyway, it's time to move on ... for you.  

 

[Mrin]

2 hours ago, Agent M said:

Yes, but my original question was why would he not let me know if he was thinking of dating someone else or at least give me right to speak my mind if he was so in love with me as he said and acted?

Who knows. He owes you nothing. He felt like prioritizing her to the exclusion of you. So he did.

To be honest OP, your perspective is distasteful and you come across as an attention vampire. You should reevaluate your behavior.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Agent M said:

at least give me right to speak my mind

Speak your mind...about what?

He doesn't owe you that, when it comes to him moving on. You don't get a vote there, OP. You shouldn't have kept him this close to you since you broke up if you had no intention of getting back together. Sure, he kept reaching you - and you kept indulging it. It's not clear what you expected him to do if after 1.5 years there was still no indication you wanted to try again. 

2 hours ago, Agent M said:

After the text, we set a date to speak on the phone about it

There is nothing to speak about anymore, though. You aren't owed a conversation or explanation. He has moved on and doesn't wish to remain close to you anymore. You're his ex, so it's normal that you were not going to remain his good friend when he started dating someone else. 

I think you are confused only because you apparently expected him to wait around for you to either decide you wanted him back or until you met someone else. That has backfired and he has shown himself out the door. It's time for you to let go now, since it doesn't appear you ever really have. 

[Lotsgoingon]

There are multiple reasons why he might not have told you he found someone else. He might have felt like he would hurt your feelings by announcing his new love interest. Also, love and romance sometimes sneak up on us. We don't always see it coming and it can come fast. And he didn't tell you because you shouldn't have been hanging out--because he knew it would be awkward!

Once we break up with someone, we don't owe them anything. To be a good person after a breakup does not mean we protect the feelings of an ex. Otherwise, no one would ever move on and date other people. OK, we don't want to spread lying rumors about an ex--that's true. But outside of that, we owe our exes nothing. And we certainly don't want to focus on THEIR feelings. Their feelings no longer matter. That's what it means to break up with someone. Bottom line: it's not his job to tell you he fell in love with someone else in a way that felt good to you. If he had a hookup with someone, was he supposed to tell you that? 

Oh and what is also true is that you owed him nothing. So you were equally free as he was. You simply squandered your own freedom and power by hanging out with him.

If you're going to break up, break up! It's over. Face that.

BTW: I also have notified my ex about deaths in my family. We exchanged emails. When one of my brothers died that I had a particularly difficult relationship with, we did talk over the phone because she sensed I needed to talk to her (none of my other friends knew my brother). That was once! And it occurred ten years after we separated. Ten years. That call would not have worked within two or even three years of our breakup. We needed enough distance to be able to have that talk and keep things on track. 

Oh, I briefly dated a colleague. We had been friends for a while before we dated--I mean really platonic friends.  She broke up with me. Took me  about two and a half years of staying away her to break any real emotional feelings about her. We were able to resume the friendship, slowly, over time. But took two and a half years of keeping distance from her before that friendship could emerge again. 

 

 

Edited December 7, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Agent M said:

Hi! I broke up with my boyfriend of over 10 years about a year and a half ago. We spent last New Year’s on zoom together, and I made him part of our family gatherings by zoom on the holidays because he was all by himself. 

Sorry this is happening. What was the breakup about? Sadly it seems like you never really broke up but just shifted it to this unhealthy limbo. It's time to let go.

Staying this attached, overinvested and overinvolved may feel like a security blanket for you or like comfortable old slippers, but in the meantime it's holding you back from moving forward and finding love again.

[Agent M]

12 hours ago, Mrin said:

Who knows. He owes you nothing. He felt like prioritizing her to the exclusion of you. So he did.

To be honest OP, your perspective is distasteful and you come across as an attention vampire. You should reevaluate your behavior.

LOL.....you come across as crass and not very helpful....to be honest...LOL...

Edited December 7, 2022 by Agent M

[Agent M]

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Speak your mind...about what?

He doesn't owe you that, when it comes to him moving on. You don't get a vote there, OP. You shouldn't have kept him this close to you since you broke up if you had no intention of getting back together. Sure, he kept reaching you - and you kept indulging it. It's not clear what you expected him to do if after 1.5 years there was still no indication you wanted to try again. 

There is nothing to speak about anymore, though. You aren't owed a conversation or explanation. He has moved on and doesn't wish to remain close to you anymore. You're his ex, so it's normal that you were not going to remain his good friend when he started dating someone else. 

I think you are confused only because you apparently expected him to wait around for you to either decide you wanted him back or until you met someone else. That has backfired and he has shown himself out the door. It's time for you to let go now, since it doesn't appear you ever really have. 

Yes, of course I am going to respond it if he is reaching out to me in a panic with health issues and other major life changes.....If you had been in a relationship with someone for over 10 years and they contacted you for help, most likely most would respond.

[Agent M]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. What was the breakup about? Sadly it seems like you never really broke up but just shifted it to this unhealthy limbo. It's time to let go.

Staying this attached, overinvested and overinvolved may feel like a security blanket for you or like comfortable old slippers, but in the meantime it's holding you back from moving forward and finding love again.

Thanks for being helpful and kind in your reply. I really appreciate your comments.

[Beachead]

@Agent M

15 hours ago, Agent M said:

He kept reaching out to me with the big problems I posted above. And certainly, I missed him and was happy to help. I broke up with him because he was smoking pot like a Cheech and Chong movie.

 

Quote

 

My question is, if he was so in love with me, how does he just leave? If I was giving him attention, and he was happy with that, why wouldn’t he send me a note saying hey look, if you and I are definitely over, I think I might try and date someone else. ??

 

 

 

He did this because he was in pain and he did what he had to do to take care of himself.  His actions are just a reflection of his conflicting feelings towards you and the situation you guys have.  It doesn't always come out in the logical way you would hope.  He's not thinking about your feelings.  He's thinking about himself and that's exactly what he needs to be doing.  You need to be doing the same.  You broke up with him, it's been 1.5 years.   The only time where love applies in this situation is that right here, he is loving himself by looking after himself.  

The mistake you both made was you both thought it was healthy to stay in touch after a breakup.  If you both were a little more experienced, you'd know that situation was never going to last.  Feelings and friendship mix as well as oil and water.  It takes time and space to get over the person who broke your heart.  Takes more time to then relearn how to enjoy life without that person, and become your own person again.  And by that point, which is years later, you probably won't even want to go back to then and try because it'd be far easier to just start fresh with someone new.   Being around the source of your pain, prevents you from moving on.  I can bet you with 100% certainty, that your ex boyfriend was analyzing all your all your words, all your expressions, all your acts of kindness and all the time you were silent and for how long.  Probably lost a lot of sleep over it.  At some point, it all becomes exhausting, and you realize, that you have to get passed it or you'll find yourself upset over the same person 10 years later.   He was in that process the whole time.  He has now taken the step to move forward.

Breakups mean you both part ways.  No more talking.  No more checking up.  In this day and age, remove eachother from social media.  Both people need to actively distance and get on with their lives because it's far too easy to get sucked into a vortex of staying in touch out of guilt or fear of moving on.   The only exception for this rule is if you have children or some kind of living arrangement that requires contact.  

If you don't respect what a breakup is, it gets ugly.  This is as certain as math.

Going forward, don't allow the situation to go there.

Best of luck

- Beach

Edited December 7, 2022 by Beachead

[Agent M]

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Speak your mind...about what?

He doesn't owe you that, when it comes to him moving on. You don't get a vote there, OP. You shouldn't have kept him this close to you since you broke up if you had no intention of getting back together. Sure, he kept reaching you - and you kept indulging it. It's not clear what you expected him to do if after 1.5 years there was still no indication you wanted to try again. 

There is nothing to speak about anymore, though. You aren't owed a conversation or explanation. He has moved on and doesn't wish to remain close to you anymore. You're his ex, so it's normal that you were not going to remain his good friend when he started dating someone else. 

I think you are confused only because you apparently expected him to wait around for you to either decide you wanted him back or until you met someone else. That has backfired and he has shown himself out the door. It's time for you to let go now, since it doesn't appear you ever really have. 

Actually, he is the one who suggested we speak on the phone. I did not keep "him this close" as he was reaching out to me, and  asking me to help him through major life challenges. He needed the help and reached out to me. Thanks.

[Agent M]

4 minutes ago, Beachead said:

@Agent M

He did this because he was in pain and he did what he had to do to take care of himself.  His actions are just a reflection of his conflicting feelings towards you and the situation you guys have.  It doesn't always come out in the logical way you would hope.  He's not thinking about your feelings.  He's thinking about himself and that's exactly what he needs to be doing.  You need to be doing the same.  You broke up with him, it's been 1.5 years.   The only time where love applies in this situation is that right here, he is loving himself by looking after himself.  

The mistake you both made was you both thought it was healthy to stay in touch after a breakup.  If you both were a little more experienced, you'd know that situation was never going to last.  Feelings and friendship mix as well as oil and water.  It takes time and space to get over the person who broke your heart.  Takes more time to then relearn how to enjoy life without that person, and become your own person again.  And by that point, which is years later, you probably won't even want to go back to then and try because it'd be far easier to just start fresh with someone new.   Being around the source of your pain, prevents you from moving on.  I can bet you with 100% certainty, that your ex boyfriend was analyzing all your all your words, all your expressions, all your acts of kindness and all the time you were silent and for how long.  Probably lost a lot of sleep over it.  At some point, it all becomes exhausting, and you realize, that you have to get passed it or you'll find yourself upset over the same person 10 years later.   He was in that process the whole time.  He has now taken the step to move forward.

Breakups mean you both part ways.  No more talking.  No more checking up.  In this day and age, remove eachother from social media.  Both people need to actively distance and get on with their lives because it's far too easy to get sucked into a vortex of staying in touch out of guilt or fear of moving on.  If you don't respect what a breakup is, it gets ugly.  This is as certain as math.  The only exception for this rule is if you have children or some kind of living arrangement that requires contact.

Going forward, be sure to apply it.

Best of luck

- Beach

Thank you, Beach. Thank you for being fair and understanding. I gained some insight from your explanation. I don't feel like I really want to be in contact with him anymore. It's OK. He keeps asking me to help him with his work, but it seems to throw me back into everything. Thank you again.

[Agent M]

9 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

There are multiple reasons why he might not have told you he found someone else. He might have felt like he would hurt your feelings by announcing his new love interest. Also, love and romance sometimes sneak up on us. We don't always see it coming and it can come fast. And he didn't tell you because you shouldn't have been hanging out--because he knew it would be awkward!

Once we break up with someone, we don't owe them anything. To be a good person after a breakup does not mean we protect the feelings of an ex. Otherwise, no one would ever move on and date other people. OK, we don't want to spread lying rumors about an ex--that's true. But outside of that, we owe our exes nothing. And we certainly don't want to focus on THEIR feelings. Their feelings no longer matter. That's what it means to break up with someone. Bottom line: it's not his job to tell you he fell in love with someone else in a way that felt good to you. If he had a hookup with someone, was he supposed to tell you that? 

Oh and what is also true is that you owed him nothing. So you were equally free as he was. You simply squandered your own freedom and power by hanging out with him.

If you're going to break up, break up! It's over. Face that.

BTW: I also have notified my ex about deaths in my family. We exchanged emails. When one of my brothers died that I had a particularly difficult relationship with, we did talk over the phone because she sensed I needed to talk to her (none of my other friends knew my brother). That was once! And it occurred ten years after we separated. Ten years. That call would not have worked within two or even three years of our breakup. We needed enough distance to be able to have that talk and keep things on track. 

Oh, I briefly dated a colleague. We had been friends for a while before we dated--I mean really platonic friends.  She broke up with me. Took me  about two and a half years of staying away her to break any real emotional feelings about her. We were able to resume the friendship, slowly, over time. But took two and a half years of keeping distance from her before that friendship could emerge again. 

 

 

Thanks, I appreciate all your insight and helpful, thoughtful comments. Thank you.

[Beachead]

22 minutes ago, Agent M said:

Thank you, Beach. Thank you for being fair and understanding. I gained some insight from your explanation. I don't feel like I really want to be in contact with him anymore. It's OK. He keeps asking me to help him with his work, but it seems to throw me back into everything. Thank you again.

That's a good start.

Just remember, 10 years is a long time.  You two are familiar with one another.  Comfortable with one another.  That's why he stays.  That's why you stay.   Detaching from it is going to feel like withdrawing from drugs.  You'll have your withdrawal symptoms where you will miss eachother and start seeing your relationship better than it actually was.   You're both going to find every excuse in the book to contact one another as a result of those biases.   You both are drugs to one another and talking is the fix, which will only provide temporary relief that won't help either of you in the long run.   

Ground yourself in the reality that you broke it off for reasons important to you and that the situation hasn't changed.   Breakups mean you're both going to eventually find someone else who is better suited for you so talking to eachother will only mean one of you is going to end up seeing the other move on.  New partners won't be okay with exes lingering around. That'll force you two to distance and eventually drift apart.  I don't suggest testing this. 

Stay strong

- Beach

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Agent M said:

He keeps asking me to help him with his work, but it seems to throw me back into everything.

I can imagine.  I don't think it's a good idea to continue to help him with his work as it seems like he's using you.  Tell him to ask his boss for help the next he asks.  I think he doesn't want to have the talk about why he's missing and didn't tell you he is now seeing someone.  He probably thinks that even though you broke up with him it will still hurt you to know.  There really is nothing else to know except he won't be around anymore because he's cultivating a relationship with someone.

[Lotsgoingon]

You just need to harden your boundaries. I get porous boundaries. You're kind and optimistic and don't like keeping distance from people. But you want to learn to say no and to understand that saying no and protecting yourself does not hurt the other person.

Hang in there. This can be a liberating experience for you if you learn to set some boundaries and keep distance from people when closeness is not really possible. Closeness is almost always impossible with a recent ex. One partner or the other is secretly hoping to get back with the other. Or one partner is emotionally taking care of the disappointed "rejected" partner. That's not their job. And it causes problems when people try to be "nice" to exes. No need to be mean. But things have to be cut off in order to complete the separation. And "separation" means you reach a point where you no longer rely on the ex for emotional support or any type of real favors. 

[Agent M]

50 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I can imagine.  I don't think it's a good idea to continue to help him with his work as it seems like he's using you.  Tell him to ask his boss for help the next he asks.  I think he doesn't want to have the talk about why he's missing and didn't tell you he is now seeing someone.  He probably thinks that even though you broke up with him it will still hurt you to know.  There really is nothing else to know except he won't be around anymore because he's cultivating a relationship with someone.

Yeah, I am feeling a little used although I certainly want to help out and it is something that interests me. He works for himself. I can let the helping him out thing go, though. I don't want to go on a roller coaster ride so it might be the best idea. Yes, I think you are right that he thinks even though I broke up with him it will still hurt me. I am working on letting the whole thing go now. Thanks for your help.

[Bl8ckMamba24]

I have been in your exes position and most recently was the timeframe. In the past 4 months and I did what he did I was sooo desperate to get back with my ex because she was a good person with a good soul. Until I did therapy and realised my childhood traumas gave me negative feelings and an overwhelming sense of abandonment and lack of self worth. I then started to see the negative and toxic traits my ex actually held. And I walked away too. Not to be crude but at the end of the day YOU broke up with him and YOU didn't make waves to want to make a genuine effort of rekindling. If he cried in public that's a big deal and he doesn't owe you anything at all.. he does not need to tell you or even allow you to be aware that he has new romantic interests because you forfeited that right to know. The sad reality is you made a decision and now you have to accept that he has moved on with his life with someone else.... You however did not move on as you think you may have done. He chased you for over a year so infact it's safe to assume you have only really begun grieving for the breakup because he was always there trying to get you back. You haven't taken the time to mentally and emotionally grieve the loss. You broke up with him so as the dumpee where he would be trying to get you back he would also begin the grieving process along with trying to get you back... and FYI I was giving him attention so I don't get why he walked away.... He's not a dog... He wanted you in a relationship... You gave him what you knew he needed to keep him around to feed your ego. That in itself is a toxic trait and is not normal to express in the slightest.. 

As they say you made your bed now you need to lay in it.... 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Agent M said:

.If you had been in a relationship with someone for over 10 years and they contacted you for help, most likely most would respond.

Acutally, no. I redirected him. I kindly reminded my long-term ex that I couldn't be his sole support any longer and while i wished him well, it was in our best interests if he started to lean on others.  

And if you are being honest with yourself, you weren't responding to him only when he panicked. You say you also hung out at the beach a few times, as well as at a fair where he clung to you. None of that is necessary when you dump someone.  I would reflect on why you were indulging this, and allowed it continue. It seems you want to make it look as though this was all his doing, but it was very much you, too. What were you getting out of it? 

Something to think about.