Ghosted by ex who is supposedly totally in love with me

[Agent M]

14 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Acutally, no. I redirected him. I kindly reminded my long-term ex that I couldn't be his sole support any longer and while i wished him well, it was in our best interests if he started to lean on others.  

And if you are being honest with yourself, you weren't responding to him only when he panicked. You say you also hung out at the beach a few times, as well as at a fair where he clung to you. None of that is necessary when you dump someone.  I would reflect on why you were indulging this, and allowed it continue. It seems you want to make it look as though this was all his doing, but it was very much you, too. What were you getting out of it? 

Something to think about. 

I was responding when he reached out to me, being a person who is familiar with the people and situations he was grappling with. . My original question was, if he was so in love with me, how does he just leave? Simple.

[Agent M]

1 hour ago, Bl8ckMamba24 said:

I have been in your exes position and most recently was the timeframe. In the past 4 months and I did what he did I was sooo desperate to get back with my ex because she was a good person with a good soul. Until I did therapy and realised my childhood traumas gave me negative feelings and an overwhelming sense of abandonment and lack of self worth. I then started to see the negative and toxic traits my ex actually held. And I walked away too. Not to be crude but at the end of the day YOU broke up with him and YOU didn't make waves to want to make a genuine effort of rekindling. If he cried in public that's a big deal and he doesn't owe you anything at all.. he does not need to tell you or even allow you to be aware that he has new romantic interests because you forfeited that right to know. The sad reality is you made a decision and now you have to accept that he has moved on with his life with someone else.... You however did not move on as you think you may have done. He chased you for over a year so infact it's safe to assume you have only really begun grieving for the breakup because he was always there trying to get you back. You haven't taken the time to mentally and emotionally grieve the loss. You broke up with him so as the dumpee where he would be trying to get you back he would also begin the grieving process along with trying to get you back... and FYI I was giving him attention so I don't get why he walked away.... He's not a dog... He wanted you in a relationship... You gave him what you knew he needed to keep him around to feed your ego. That in itself is a toxic trait and is not normal to express in the slightest.. 

As they say you made your bed now you need to lay in it.... 

Thanks for the post. Helpful until you start to get judgey at the end. No, I don't think it is right to just walk away and ghost someone, whether there was anything in it for him or not. I was very kind to him and would have expected he would have kindly let me know.

 

[Bl8ckMamba24]

27 minutes ago, Agent M said:

Thanks for the post. Helpful until you start to get judgey at the end. No, I don't think it is right to just walk away and ghost someone, whether there was anything in it for him or not. I was very kind to him and would have expected he would have kindly let me know.

 

As much as you think he does he doesn't owe you that if he doesn't wish to. It is okay for an ex to not give you that because you are both exes.  Unfortunately things aren't black and white and if he wakes up one day and says f it she treated me as she has he has that right ultimately.. you can't break up with someone and remain in contact when he hasn't moved on because everything is misconstrued and it's not fair on him. It's different if it's mutual and neither of you say have feelings but he was strung along here and it needs to be recognised otherwise it will follow you into future relationships. You need to be honest with yourself about why you are upset here... And I presume you ask on here for honesty, it's not judgemental it's factual from what we all have read here. You need to move on and leave him be. If he wants to talk to you he will. If he doesn't want to he won't. But please please remember he does not owe you anything, no excuses, no communication no anything as is the same for you you do not owe him anything. Accept he has made a choice and carry on in life.

 

And to answer your actual question on this.. he leaves because he has to for his own happiness... You can still love someone and know they are not good for you... Ultimately he may still love you but you've made it clear you don't want his love so he's given it to someone else and left you where he has. 

Love isn't ever enough unfortunately..

Edited December 7, 2022 by Bl8ckMamba24

[Alpacalia]

11 minutes ago, Agent M said:

No, I don't think it is right to just walk away and ghost someone, whether there was anything in it for him or not.

Break ups can be hard on both people. Can you try to understand that he may have "ghosted" to make it easier to move on? Ghosting is not ideal but maybe this was the only way he felt he could move forward.

Consider what is really going on that you are upset by. That he is no longer in your life? Or that he is dating someone else? 

It might seem harsh or cruel, but ultimately, the two of you are broken up. His actions are largely out of your hands, so you don't have much say in them. It is not his duty to give you anything or even be your friend.

Maybe the cold hard truth is that he is just not in love with you anymore.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Agent M said:

 My original question was, if he was so in love with me, how does he just leave? Simple.

Because being in love with you and hanging out was too painful for him.  He needed a new start.  Simple

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Agent M said:

Thanks for the post. Helpful until you start to get judgey at the end. No, I don't think it is right to just walk away and ghost someone, whether there was anything in it for him or not. I was very kind to him and would have expected he would have kindly let me know.

 

So if he had told you he's fallen for this other woman and would like for you to meet her would that be okay with you?

[Commongoal123]

23 hours ago, Agent M said:

Yes, but my original question was why would he not let me know if he was thinking of dating someone else or at least give me right to speak my mind if he was so in love with me as he said and acted?

 

 

Because you broke up with him, and he doesn't owe you any explanations for anything.

Plain and simple.

He doesn't owe you anything.

He met someone else.

He might have loved you, but unreciprocicated love eventually dies.  And now he loves someone else.

Regardless of meeting someone else or not, or whether he loved you or not,, he doesn't and did not owe you anything.  Especially after you stung him along for a year and a half just to fill your own hole within yourself.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, Agent M said:

 My original question was, if he was so in love with me, how does he just leave? Simple.

Because he finally accepted that you aren't in love with him anymore and you don't want him back, and it was a senseless to keep you in his life. 

He met someone else he likes who is probably reciprocating his affectios, and he and wants to pursue her. 

Simple too, no? 

[Agent M]

19 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You just need to harden your boundaries. I get porous boundaries. You're kind and optimistic and don't like keeping distance from people. But you want to learn to say no and to understand that saying no and protecting yourself does not hurt the other person.

Hang in there. This can be a liberating experience for you if you learn to set some boundaries and keep distance from people when closeness is not really possible. Closeness is almost always impossible with a recent ex. One partner or the other is secretly hoping to get back with the other. Or one partner is emotionally taking care of the disappointed "rejected" partner. That's not their job. And it causes problems when people try to be "nice" to exes. No need to be mean. But things have to be cut off in order to complete the separation. And "separation" means you reach a point where you no longer rely on the ex for emotional support or any type of real favors. 

Well said and uplifting. Thank you very much.

[Agent M]

14 hours ago, stillafool said:

So if he had told you he's fallen for this other woman and would like for you to meet her would that be okay with you?

Yes.

[Agent M]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Because he finally accepted that you aren't in love with him anymore and you don't want him back, and it was a senseless to keep you in his life. 

He met someone else he likes who is probably reciprocating his affectios, and he and wants to pursue her. 

Simple too, no? 

Yes, that's all I need. Thanks.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Agent M said:

Yes.

Well when you do talk again tell him that you are happy for him and would like to meet her at some point.  I'm sure that will make him feel more at ease and perhaps you two can continue your friendship if she agrees.

[stillafool]

 

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Because he finally accepted that you aren't in love with him anymore and you don't want him back, and it was a senseless to keep you in his life. 

He met someone else he likes who is probably reciprocating his affectios, and he and wants to pursue her. 

Simple too, no? 

 

1 hour ago, Agent M said:

Yes, that's all I need. Thanks.

Isn't this what he did below?  He told you that he was seeing someone else. 

On 12/6/2022 at 1:40 PM, Agent M said:

 Then when I contacted him about Thanksgiving, he told me that he started dating an old friend who’s going through divorce. My question is, if he was so in love with me, how does he just leave? If I was giving him attention, and he was happy with that, why wouldn’t he send me a note saying hey look, if you and I are definitely over, I think I might try and date someone else. ??

It wasn't necessary for him to go back to the person who broke up with him to ask if you're definitely over before he moves on to another woman.  Why would he want to set himself up to be once again rejected?  If you still had feelings for him why didn't YOU tell him that you would like a second chance with him?  That ball was in your court.  

[stillafool]

18 hours ago, Bl8ckMamba24 said:

You can still love someone and know they are not good for you... Ultimately he may still love you but you've made it clear you don't want his love so he's given it to someone else and left you where he has. 

This is true and sometimes you can be in love with someone for a long time and think that you'll never get over them and then BAM, someone comes along and you fall head over heels in love with them.  If the feelings are mutual it can be so powerful you're over the other person.  That happened to me once and it was a Godsend. 

[Commongoal123]

Honestly OP, based off your responses and who you decide to respond to, it really really appears as though this is a major case of bruised ego, as another member here mentioned, and you're just here to have other people make you feel better about yourself.  Which is surely also part of why you kept your ex around as a satellite while throwing him breadcrumbs.  He gave you what you can't give yourself.

[ ] 

Edited December 8, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[Acacia98]

On 12/7/2022 at 5:07 AM, Agent M said:

Thanks. Yes, I did go no contact but as the original post stated, he kept contacting me with emergencies, like a death in the family, quitting his job of 20 years, etc. So, I was responding in order to help him out. Looking back he was reaching out to keep me in his life. He was also trying to be ultra nice to me which was pleasant and I felt close to him especially after being in a relationship for so long and knowing well the people and situations he was reaching out about.  I don't feel I had the right to speak my mind but rather for him to tell me what was going on (with him) instead of just dropping all contact with me when we had been so friendly. He had also been asking me to help him in his work, which I had been doing as a favor. Then suddenly, no contact from him for awhile. 

Thanks for taking the time to explain in greater detail.

I think you both struggle to set and maintain healthy boundaries. It sounds like your ex is the sort of person who might have difficulty existing outside a relationship. So he continued to hold on to you very tightly when the right thing to do would have been to let you go and find his way on his own. It also sounds like you had difficulty saying no and setting boundaries that better reflected your new broken-up status. I'm guessing he was finally able to let go when he found someone to take your place in his life. 

Anyway, it's over now. And that's actually a good thing for you because now you can move on without feeling like you've abandoned him and left him helpless. His departure and going silent give you permission to shut this door completely. Please stop helping him professionally and otherwise. It would really do you a world of good to go no contact and to maintain that for at least one year. You can consider reconnecting as friends if, at that point, you have truly moved on and you actually want to be friends with him.

Edited December 9, 2022 by Acacia98

[Agent M]

On 12/9/2022 at 7:25 AM, Acacia98 said:

Thanks for taking the time to explain in greater detail.

I think you both struggle to set and maintain healthy boundaries. It sounds like your ex is the sort of person who might have difficulty existing outside a relationship. So he continued to hold on to you very tightly when the right thing to do would have been to let you go and find his way on his own. It also sounds like you had difficulty saying no and setting boundaries that better reflected your new broken-up status. I'm guessing he was finally able to let go when he found someone to take your place in his life. 

Anyway, it's over now. And that's actually a good thing for you because now you can move on without feeling like you've abandoned him and left him helpless. His departure and going silent give you permission to shut this door completely. Please stop helping him professionally and otherwise. It would really do you a world of good to go no contact and to maintain that for at least one year. You can consider reconnecting as friends if, at that point, you have truly moved on and you actually want to be friends with him.

Thank you so much for this reply. The reason I didn’t respond sooner is because I had to get away from it all for a little while but it’s still bothering me so here I am. Really appreciate your kind words and helpfulness. I don’t know what in the world is wrong with me and I do wish I had maintained better boundaries. There was no contact for about four or six months to begin with, then he started reaching out, and I complied. I do agree that no contact is best and that any further contact should not be pursued, unless I really truly moved on or not. He did not answer yet another phone call that we had scheduled, then texted with an apology and used the new person he is seeing to excuse his behavior, saying that she doesn’t like me to talk to him when she is there. I’m pretty sure they never had that conversation because of what he said earlier that he never even asked her about me. And, he could’ve answered the phone because she wasn’t there earlier in the day when I called. By the way, he is the one that wanted to talk because it was my birthday. So I got this phone message ( which I still haven’t listen to) and then a text that said , I’ll always be in his heart, sorry he didn’t answer the phone, she doesn’t want me talking to him when she’s there, and the text was nice, but I was really upset that he hadn’t answered the call. So I never replied. And there you have it. 

[NuevoYorko]

I don't think his new girlfriend is an "excuse" or that he did any behavior that needed an excuse.  Frankly, he has moved on and it;s very appropriate that he doesn't talk to you when he's with his girlfriend.  Time for you to move on too.

[stillafool]

I agree with Nuevo he's moved on and probably doesn't want to explain anything else because he's already said he's got a gf.  Most people don't like exes in their bf/gfs lives.  He probably doesn't want to go behind her back.

[NuevoYorko]

Truly, your relationship with this ex would probably be considered toxic for him, and unhealthy for you.  Dysfunctional for sure.  You were not "friends."   From your posts here, his entire role in your life since you broke up was to be "totally in love" with you. Providing for you a constant ego boost.  You haven't mentioned missing his friendship, or anything that you shared; nothing about his qualities as a person at all.  It just seems important to you to have him orbiting with his unrequited love. 

And of course on his side of it, how demoralizing and messed up to just function as a rejected lover.

It really will be good for both of you to leave this behind.

Are you dating anyone yourself?

[glows]

1 hour ago, Agent M said:

By the way, he is the one that wanted to talk because it was my birthday. So I got this phone message ( which I still haven’t listen to) and then a text that said , I’ll always be in his heart, sorry he didn’t answer the phone, she doesn’t want me talking to him when she’s there, and the text was nice, but I was really upset that he hadn’t answered the call. So I never replied. And there you have it. 

He’s probably figuring things out as he goes along and seems inconsistent to you. Wanting to talk to you because it’s your birthday seemed like a good idea until he realized your history and he has a gf. It’s better off this way. 

In future you now know to wrap things up when it’s over. No calls or texts and unless you’re all mutual friends with good understanding (rare), most definitely no other contact when either of you are dating others. These are more or less basic boundaries after every break up or end of a romance. 

I’d take the hint and block him and leave him alone. Don’t leave the door open and don’t expect anything in return either. You’re freeing yourself up for new experiences.

[Agent M]

43 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Truly, your relationship with this ex would probably be considered toxic for him, and unhealthy for you.  Dysfunctional for sure.  You were not "friends."   From your posts here, his entire role in your life since you broke up was to be "totally in love" with you. Providing for you a constant ego boost.  You haven't mentioned missing his friendship, or anything that you shared; nothing about his qualities as a person at all.  It just seems important to you to have him orbiting with his unrequited love. 

And of course on his side of it, how demoralizing and messed up to just function as a rejected lover.

It really will be good for both of you to leave this behind.

Are you dating anyone yourself?

Well, I do miss our conversations which I think is why I got pulled back in. He also started being ultra kind and taking interest in the things I like, which he wasn't doing before. He payed for my meal when I saw him, etc. But yes, I broke up with him for good reason.

No, not dating  anyone myself. Nobody around here, it's mostly older folks and married couples. I did try going out with someone a couple weeks ago, though. It's not going anywhere.

Edited December 19, 2022 by Agent M

[Agent M]

13 minutes ago, glows said:

He’s probably figuring things out as he goes along and seems inconsistent to you. Wanting to talk to you because it’s your birthday seemed like a good idea until he realized your history and he has a gf. It’s better off this way. 

In future you now know to wrap things up when it’s over. No calls or texts and unless you’re all mutual friends with good understanding (rare), most definitely no other contact when either of you are dating others. These are more or less basic boundaries after every break up or end of a romance. 

I’d take the hint and block him and leave him alone. Don’t leave the door open and don’t expect anything in return either. You’re freeing yourself up for new experiences.

Tried to multiple quote on this but it didn't seem to work. So, yeah, you are most likely right about figuring things out as he goes along, etc. Thanks for mentioning that and the other thoughts around it.

Definitely, I've made a mental note to wrap things up in the future. I was doing fine until I let him back in and I started having fun with him again. I have not contacted him (even though he sent me a nice text trying to explain things and a phone message from 9 days ago I haven't listened to) because I don't know what to say and I don't want to be honest or it will just drag things out longer.

Thanks for your encouragement.

 

[glows]

That shows a great deal of acceptance and maturity on your part for letting things be.. the next few weeks will be difficult but I think you owe it to yourself to wean off permanently. Say a loving goodbye in your heart, move forwards.

[Agent M]

30 minutes ago, glows said:

That shows a great deal of acceptance and maturity on your part for letting things be.. the next few weeks will be difficult but I think you owe it to yourself to wean off permanently. Say a loving goodbye in your heart, move forwards.

Thanks. So strange. My mind keeps asking how he left so suddenly...after telling me I made his summer by going to the beach with him on 2 separate occasions, and putting tons of attention into the relationship in various ways.. Personally I have noticed that when I'm stuck on someone, it's not so easy to just leave. Just still a little confused with is complete change of behavior. Thanks.