Girl I'm dating and her close guy friends

[MrEkko]

Hi all, I'm in need for some advice. 

I have been dating this girl for almost 3 months now. Everything has been pretty smooth and great from the start. Solid communication, levels of interest, dates, intimacy, the whole lot. She is really great and I could feel relationship/long-term potential from the start, which I believe was mutual. A month in or so we said we aren't seeing other people and are exclusive. She's met some of my friends when I invited her to a party and I am meeting some of hers at another party this weekend. She also went big for my birthday (less than 2 months of us meeting), gave me a great experience and some lovely gestures.

I knew from the start that she has quite a few male friends, mostly from university and work. The majority of them are gay, with only a handful of them being straight. She also has close female friends too, so she's not the type to say she doesn't get on with women. 

Now, I'm far from the type to say that girls and guys can't be friends. I have some female friends too and of course I think it's normal to hang out with them and obviously it goes both ways. However, I have never dated or had a girlfriend who had some guy friends that is very close with and that extending to a lot of hanging out 1:1 and being in that type of environment, so this is new to me.

Initially, I didn't make much of that but as the time goes by and my feelings grow I can't help thinking more about that and picking on individual situations:

For example, I knew she was planning on going to her hometown for Christmas to be with her parents. They don't have room for her in their place and when she goes there she has to sleep in the couch, so last week she told me the plan now is to get an apartment close to her parents with a guy friend from uni (who has some issues with his family and won't be with them for Christmas). I was quite surprised with that as it was unexpected; one day I think she is going to be with her family and now she will be staying at an apartment with a guy friend. I suppose it's for the logistics and it works better but I can't help feeling uneasy about it. She had invited me to join for Christmas (when it was gonna be just her with the parents), but that was mostly because she knew I hadn't made any plans for it. When I told her I still have no plans for it, she said they have room in the apartment and I can join them but it seemed like the extension of an invite because you want to be nice (my response in both times was to politely decline because I wouldn't want to crash a family holiday or meet her parents at this point anyway). 

I was quite thrown when she told me but I didn't think much about it or react at the time, I reflected on this later. I also didn't ask if the guy is gay or straight; I presume it's the latter, hence my uneasiness. She said that her family have met him once, so it's not like he's a close family or childhood friend, so it seems a bit strange to me that she would make these plans in this case. 

Another example is she is going abroad for her gay best friend's wedding in the spring and she will have a stopover to see another guy friend who lives abroad and stay with him for a couple of days. Also no idea if this guy is gay or not, but if he's straight it's also something I will be uncomfortable with. 

Like I said, these instances are quite new to me, so I am exploring what my boundaries are and not sure what to feel. Am I being overly sensitive or hung up on small stuff? I don't want to ruin a great thing with potential but at the same time I want to be able to feel fully comfortable in a relationship. 

I am thinking about talking to her and expressing these thoughts but it's a tricky situation because it might be said that it's still early days and, more importantly, she has known her friends longer than she's known me, so I don't want to be perceived as being out of line. I want to reiterate that my issue is not her having guy friends per se and I'd never ask her to cut ties with anyone. But it's the close setting/environment of the examples I gave above which makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable and I can't help it. 

So, my worry is that I might be setting up myself for failure if I talk to her about this now, as chances are she won't want to change her habits for someone she's going out with for 3 months. But on the other hand, if I wait for more time to go by it will be eating away at me and I might eventually be more hurt if the outcome is the same and my feelings have grown even more by then. And of course there's the risk of being perceived as insecure/jealous, which is not the case because I've never been like that in any relationship in my life. I definitely trust her and she has given me no reason not to. But, I know how many guys can be, sticking around and waiting for the smallest crack in the door to get in and try it on with a female "friend" and I find even the notion of that inappropriate. 

For context, we are both 32.

Thank you in advance, and apologies for the long post.

[BaileyB]

I too believe that men and women can be platonic friends, but there are problems when individuals don’t set healthy and respectful boundaries. 

If I am in a relationship, I want my partner to feel safe and happy. This, to me, means changing a few things that I may have done when I was single. For example, I make time to be with my partner by decreasing (but not stopping) the time spent with friends. I would also not stay over with other men because I want to be respectful of my partner. 

I feel like this woman has yet to get that memo… I don’t feel like you are being insecure when you express your concern that the woman your dating is planning to stay with/travel with other men. I think it’s a reasonable request and her response will tell you everything you need to know about what kind of boundaries she plans to have in your relationship. 

Edited December 7, 2022 by BaileyB

[Calmandfocused]

100% agree with Bailey. Spot on! 
 

The lack of boundaries here is being disrespectful to you and your relationship .

Frankly no ex partner I’ve had would have tolerated the above. Don’t blame them 
 

In a nutshell; she’s not considering your feelings in this dynamic. Yes she may be very thoughtful in other areas but this is a big boundary violation in a very important area. 
 

I’m afraid that you will need to address it with her at some point. Right now she thinks that you don’t mind and the truth is that you do mind. Significantly! 
 

Yes there is a risk that she may opt out of the relationship with you. But at least you’ll know, sooner rather than later. 
 

Personally I think she’ll be open to hearing you out based on what you’ve told us. At the end of the day she’ll struggle finding a guy who accepts her male friendship dynamics as they are. 
 

 

[MrEkko]

19 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

100% agree with Bailey. Spot on! 
 

The lack of boundaries here is being disrespectful to you and your relationship .

Frankly no ex partner I’ve had would have tolerated the above. Don’t blame them 
 

In a nutshell; she’s not considering your feelings in this dynamic. Yes she may be very thoughtful in other areas but this is a big boundary violation in a very important area. 
 

I’m afraid that you will need to address it with her at some point. Right now she thinks that you don’t mind and the truth is that you do mind. Significantly! 
 

Yes there is a risk that she may opt out of the relationship with you. But at least you’ll know, sooner rather than later. 
 

Personally I think she’ll be open to hearing you out based on what you’ve told us. At the end of the day she’ll struggle finding a guy who accepts her male friendship dynamics as they are. 
 

 

Thank you for the response, I agree with you both and this is how I see it too. I know there are different perspectives (mainly from women) who say that it’s totally fine but the majority would draw the same boundaries here. 

My only concern is with the timing, in case it’s too soon, but rather than have this bother me I’ll opt for the honesty approach and talk to her about this sooner. 

[flitzanu]

i just wanted to point out, she is at least being very open and honest and forthcoming about these plans.  that's something to consider.

if she was trying to be sneaky, she wouldn't even have to tell you, or could easily lie about it since it will be far away out of town from you.

no one needs some extensive convoluted excuse for holiday travel or logistics planning of vacation just to simply cheat on you.

 

[Stret]

[ ] 

I am a woman that has male friends - just friends, with whom I was staying before and after relationships, both mine and theirs. Some of them I know my whole life, some I met a few years ago. But there is nothing between us and there never will be. Once, while I was married, I spent a night in the same bed with a friend from uni because the woman from hell that I was sharing a room at the hotel with was waking up at 5, 5.30, 6, her alarm was ringing and then she's occupy a bathroom for an hour or more. Once, I stayed on another continent at my ex's place while being in a relationship with someone else. Once, I stayed in a hotel with a colleague (same room, double bed) because I let him stay - he arrived at the conference to find out his room was not available and there was nothing else miles around. we put loads of little pillows in the middle of the bed and I practically didn't even see the guy other than when he came to put his things in the room. I was asleep by the time he came in the evening and I was asleep when he left in the morning. He was in a relationship too but this all would have happened in precisely the same way if we were both single. Prior to this, I was staying with him at his place in a private visit in the same room, he slept on the floor and gave me his bed. My partners knew about this all because I told them - trust is the key word. Is she the type that would lie and hide things? She seems like a friendly outgoing person that simply has male friends. Oh, and I was room mates with a personal fitness trainer in NYC, the guy that loved to walk around in his shorts, while I had a boyfriend. We would often spend evening watching TV or playing some games together, and nothing ever came up because it wasn't an issue - he was single. 

There - an account of the fact that it can all mean nothing and that you very likely have nothing to worry about.  

I admit - I wouldn't do this again, but I was in my 20s and early 30s . I wouldn't do this because I'm older and not so outgoing any more, I've become far more closed off and private in my 40s, not that I wouldn't do it because I think it is somehow wrong - it is not. But if it bothers you, you will have to address it.  

Bottom line: a woman that has zero male friends will cheat on you if she wants, while a woman that sleeps over at some male friends' place will not if she doesn't want to. 

Do not ruin a good thing with a great girl. She is not disrespectful - she is just used to living her life in one way and sees things differently. Talk to her, if you must but be careful not to come off as insecure and controlling because if she loves her freedom as much as I do, she will see it as a red flag. You clearly cannot take this and you have to talk to her for your own sake, so just make sure to find the right words. You can tell her when it comes up that she is staying at their places - "do I have anything to be worried about?...because I was a little worried, you know?" But don't do it in an attacking way, just kind of light way and see how she reacts. If she picks up your signal she will explain and be more attentive in the future, if she doesn't you will have to tell her in no uncertain terms that you don't really like when she stays over at their place. But again - see the sentence in bold above. 

Edited December 7, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
argumentative

[Alpacalia]

These are tough waters to navigate early on.

From what I've gathered from your comments, this is mostly out of convenience for her.

Perhaps you can come to an agreement to not put yourselves in compromising situations, or situations that can be misconstrued for something else. Generally, if there's real concern about something happening in a situation like this, there are other signs and warnings to validate those concerns.

If it still bugs you, you might be better off with someone who will not make you feel nervous or anxious.

One strategy deals with everything outside your control, namely her: her communication, decisions, actions, and her friends. The other strategy deals with everything inside your control, namely: you.

[poppyfields]

7 hours ago, MrEkko said:

For example, I knew she was planning on going to her hometown for Christmas to be with her parents. They don't have room for her in their place and when she goes there she has to sleep in the couch, so last week she told me the plan now is to get an apartment close to her parents with a guy friend from uni (who has some issues with his family and won't be with them for Christmas). I was quite surprised with that as it was unexpected; one day I think she is going to be with her family and now she will be staying at an apartment with a guy friend. I suppose it's for the logistics and it works better but I can't help feeling uneasy about it. She had invited me to join for Christmas (when it was gonna be just her with the parents), but that was mostly because she knew I hadn't made any plans for it. When I told her I still have no plans for it, she said they have room in the apartment and I can join them but it seemed like the extension of an invite because you want to be nice (my response in both times was to politely decline because I wouldn't want to crash a family holiday or meet her parents at this point anyway). 

I highly doubt if there were anything romantic between them she would have invited you stay with them.   Sadly you chose to interpret her kind gesture as some sort of "pity" invite, when that may NOT have been her intention at all.

It's possible she invited you to give you an opportunity to meet him and befriend him yourself.  Instead, you took offense to her invite and jumped to assumptions that there may be (or is) something untoward happening.  That's on YOU, not her.   Your issue, your insecurity.

I don't see that she's doing anything disrespectful by staying with her male friend (who may be like a brother to her) or having other male friends with whom she's been friends since childhood.

In today's dating environment, it quite normal to have friends of the opposite sex.  I myself have made a new friend, a man, I met him through work.  He has a serious girlfriend and I am married.  My husband and I double dated with them last weekend and now my hubs is friends with him too!  And his girlfriend and I have become friends.

My sense is your girlfriend views this as normal and it may not have ever occurred to her that you would take issue with it or become insecure about it.

I think this is one of those situations wherein you either accept that she has male friends, attempt to befriend them yourself (like she offered) OR end the relationship.

If you start making noise about it, express your discomfort, the tacit message being it's either them or me, you will lose her, guaranteed!!

Your call mate, good luck whatever you decide.

 

 

 

 

Edited December 7, 2022 by poppyfields

[Ami1uwant]

I’m one who feels men and women can be frirnds

relationships are based  on trust

she has been open and honest with you

 

as you said she didn’t say if he was gay or straight.

if she stayed with a female friend you woukd worry…but you don’t know if she is gay or strait.

 

if you two advance to a much more serious one things with friends may change. Right now is too early.  You haven’t dated enough to introduce you to her family.  She might haven’t even talked about you to thrm yet in any depth.

[MrEkko]

14 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I highly doubt if there were anything romantic between them she would have invited you stay with them.   Sadly you chose to interpret her kind gesture as some sort of "pity" invite, when that may NOT have been her intention at all.

It's possible she invited you to give you an opportunity to meet him and befriend him yourself.  Instead, you took offense to her invite and jumped to assumptions that there may be (or is) something untoward happening.  That's on YOU, not her.   Your issue, your insecurity.

I didn't get offended, I politely declined the first time (when I thought it was gonna be just her visiting them) cos I don't want to intrude on the family time like that or meet her parents under these circumstances. I didn't think it was a pity invite the second time, more so in virtue of being nice as she knows I have no plans about it yet. However, I was quite surprised with the fact that out of the blue she made plans to include a guy friend in the mix. 

 

14 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I don't see that she's doing anything disrespectful by staying with her male friend (who may be like a brother to her) or having other male friends with whom she's been friends since childhood.

In today's dating environment, it quite normal to have friends of the opposite sex.  I myself have made a new friend, a man, I met him through work.  He has a serious girlfriend and I am married.  My husband and I double dated with them last weekend and now my hubs is friends with him too!  And his girlfriend and I have become friends.

My sense is your girlfriend views this as normal and it may not have ever occurred to her that you would take issue with it or become insecure about it.

I am not saying that guys and girls can't be friends; I have some female friends too, my exes have had male friends as well, they hang out with them, catch up etc. What makes me uncomfortable is the environment and the setting of that hang out. In this case, being in a house with a friend 1:1 for a few days. 

I don't think it's an insecurity because I have no trust issues with her or fear she would do something. She has given me no reason to be suspicous or apprehensive about that. However, I know how (many) guys can be, sticking around as friends and waiting for the right opportunity and the slighest crack in the door to get in there. And, even though she wouldn't entertain anything, I can't help being uneasy about it. 

To add more perspective to this - she has told me a story when some time ago at a friend's wedding they were all staying at a hotel afterwards, and a few of the guys in the group under the "drunk and silly" excuse ended up stripping naked in front of her and inviting her to their room. Now, this to me is a prime example of the type that I explained above, i.e. someone who, in the right moment, like this case a wedding where everyone is drunk and inhibitions are low, is going to try his luck and if not then no harm no foul because we were all drunk at a party. 

If something like this happened now, I would feel very uncomfortable and distrurbed in the act itself, even if her reaction is to laugh it off and turn her back and leave. Am I supposed to be ok with her hanging out afterwards with the same people who would have sex with her in the blink of an eye if she let them? Would you take it as a joke if your husband's friend got naked in front of him under the pretext of "being silly" and would you be all fun and games with her afterwards? 

[basil67]

I don't think that inviting her friend was out of the blue.  In my experience, it's quite normal to decide to bring a friend to Xmas day if you find out they will otherwise be without their family.  I think she was being very kind.

With all your discussions of drunk guys swinging their dicks around being suggestive and worrying if he'd do similar, I think you're getting fixated on something which is unlikely to happen.  Have you any reason to believe the two of them will go out and get stupid drunk together and behave inappropriately?   Fact is, if she's the type to cheat, she could easily find a way to do it without going away for a night or two.  

Did I read that she invited you to come too?  How about you go along and have fun.

[MrEkko]

20 minutes ago, basil67 said:

With all your discussions of drunk guys swinging their dicks around being suggestive and worrying if he'd do similar, I think you're getting fixated on something which is unlikely to happen.  Have you any reason to believe the two of them will go out and get stupid drunk together and behave inappropriately?

I'm not worrying that he'd do similar (although I've no idea if he's even one of the guys from the incident). I was bringing that as an example of how guys can be, where even when they're friends with a woman they wouldn't hesitate for a split second to have sex with her if the opportunity presented itself. I can't imagine myself ever behaving like that with a girl who I'm actually only seeing as a friend because it's way out of line. If I did do it, it means that I have definitely thought about having sex with her and would 100% be on board for it if she let me. In other words, we are not real friends but I'm waiting for the right circumstances. 

Put it like this - would you be ok if the girl you are with has had that incident with some of her guy friends in the past, and she casually hangs out with them now, perhaps in a similar setting sometimes (i.e. party, wedding etc.)? Would you be comfortable being around them too, knowing that their intentions, even for one night, were to sleep with her? Or the opposite, would your girl be ok if you had a female friend who had done something similar with you? 

25 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Fact is, if she's the type to cheat, she could easily find a way to do it without going away for a night or two.  

Agree, that's why I said I have no trust issues or are worried about her, rather than the ones around her and their intentions and mindset. 

[BaileyB]

55 minutes ago, MrEkko said:

Agree, that's why I said I have no trust issues or are worried about her, rather than the ones around her and their intentions and mindset. 

You obviously have no control over any of them. And, they could have whatever intentions they want - if you trust your girlfriend and she demonstrates strong boundaries… that’s all that matters. 

The problem here is, she has been honest with you (which is good) but you haven’t been dating long enough to really asses her boundaries with all these men. 

The simple truth is, if you don’t like these guys and you don’t like the fact that she is choosing to hang out with them - this is not the relationship for you. There are lots of other women to date who don’t hang out with other men in this way… I know it’s not what you want to hear, but you would be better to exit graciously than stay and be bothered by all of this. 

Edited December 8, 2022 by BaileyB

[poppyfields]

31 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You obviously have no control over any of them. And, they could have whatever intentions they want - if you trust your girlfriend and she demonstrates strong boundaries… that’s all that matters. 

The problem here is, she has been honest with you (which is good) but you haven’t been dating long enough to really asses her boundaries with all these men. 

The simple truth is, if you don’t like these guys and you don’t like the fact that she is choosing to hang out with them - this is not the relationship for you. There are lots of other women to date who don’t hang out with other men in this way… I know it’s not what you want to hear, but you would be better to exit graciously than stay and be bothered by all of this. 

Took the words...

This is a major incompatibility.

She's not wrong and you're not wrong; you're respective views on this are just different. 

Bottom line is, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or believes about male/female friendships, in whatever capacity, including us.  

The only thing that matters is if you're okay with it (or not) and if you're not, you don't need anyone's approval to move on and find another woman with whom you're more compatible in this regard. 

Edited December 8, 2022 by poppyfields

[glows]

It’s only three months and these are her good friends. I wouldn’t need an in-depth conversation and would have politely bowed out and ended it if it’s not for me. Seeing as it’s very new I might give this more time and be less threatened as details are missing.

You’re dating to see who that person is in the raw and she’s herself and honest with you in which company she values, how she lives, what matters to her. These are all important as over time her friends may become part of your circle too.  

You had mentioned most of her male friends are gay so why assume the ones she’s going to stay with are straight? I’d have asked or made light of it in that moment or ask her when you feel comfortable. 

It’s understandable you’re not ready to meet her parents and she might have sensed that when she asked her guy friend along with the Xmas plans. When you declined it’s much clearer to her that you’re not ready to meet her family. Have you considered it might have stung her? 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, MrEkko said:

I was bringing that as an example of how guys can be, where even when they're friends with a woman they wouldn't hesitate for a split second to have sex with her if the opportunity presented itself. I can't imagine myself ever behaving like that with a girl who I'm actually only seeing as a friend because it's way out of line. If I did do it, it means that I have definitely thought about having sex with her and would 100% be on board for it if she let me. In other words, we are not real friends but I'm waiting for the right circumstances.

This is perhaps the heart of the issue for you.

Which has very little to do with her.

[poppyfields]

I think what's at the heart of the issue, besides what @Alpacaliajust quoted, is that you really REALLY like this girl, and as such you feel vulnerable, insecure and in some ways threatened. 

5 hours ago, MrEkko said:

I'm not saying that guys and girls can't be friends...

Yes it is, it's exactly what you're saying.  From what I've read of your posts anyway.

Which is OK, your feelings are your feelings and you're entitled to them, there is no right or wrong when it comes to our own feelings.

I actually didn't think it was possible either, however I feel differently now and believe it's quite possible and even healthy to have friends of both sexes. 

I currently have two male friends. I don't see them as "men" per se, I see them as "human beings." 

I mean obviously I know they're men however there's no masculine/feminine polarity as with romantic attractions which is what differentiates a friendship from romantic attraction.

We are both "human beings" our gender does not matter, and we relate to each other in that capacity. As human beings, each with our own separate experiences given our respective genders. 

As for them, I don't feel a sexual vibe with them either as I have with other men who wanted to be "friends" (which obviously was BS) so there's no discomfort.

Both my male friends have serious girlfriends and I recently got married.  One of my male friends and his gf double-dated with my hubs and I last weekend!

Now they are friends and I'm friends with his girlfriend!

Also worthy of note, I had a good female friend (or who I considered to be), who sexually came on to me during a weekend away; it was awkward as heck and I left immediately.  We are no longer friends for obvious reasons. 

So it's NOT just male/female friendships that can sexually charged and awkward. Female friendships can be as well. 

Point being, friendships can take many shapes and forms.  Between women, between men and between men and women.

Try and judge each person and friendship individually and independent from rigid stereotypes or how "other" men have acted in their so-called "friendships."

If, after that, you are still unable to accept these men as her friends, then as was previously advised, best to call it a day with this girl and chalk it up to incompatibility.

 

Edited December 8, 2022 by poppyfields

[MrEkko]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

The problem here is, she has been honest with you (which is good) but you haven’t been dating long enough to really asses her boundaries with all these men. 

Do you think it's worth sharing my thoughts with her then and see what she thinks/assess the boundaries from her perspective or would it do more harm? 

 

41 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Yes it is, it's exactly what you're saying.  From what I've read of your posts anyway.

No, I wouldn't ask her to cut anyone off or stop seeing her friends. Like I said, I also have female friends, and my exes have had male friends too. It's the setting/environment that makes me uneasy, e.g. the weekend away 1:1 with a guy friend. 

Is it so unreasonable to talk to her about this and express how I'm seeing it? In my book, relationships come with some inevitable concessions and slight changes to your habits/lifestyle, as seeing you are no longer single and only have to care about yourself, there is now someone else in the picture whose feelings and perspective you have to consider. I would've thought that this is not such a hard line for someone that they wouldn't want to move an inch from. Or, if it is, I suppose it says it all about what/who you prioritise more.

[Els]

I'm a woman with more male friends than female (mostly due to my job and my hobbies). I definitely believe that men and women can be platonic friends.

That being said, I would never stay overnight in the same room as a male friend with just the 2 of us. If it was a group trip and there were many people sharing an apartment (especially if we were broke students) then that would be fine, but never 1:1. Nor would I accept it if my partner did that with a female friend.

I think it's fine and normal to have boundaries re: where you expect the other person to draw the line when it comes to these things. Just communicate yours with her in a civil, open discussion, and see what she thinks. If she strongly disagrees, maybe you two are just not compatible.

[poppyfields]

21 minutes ago, MrEkko said:

In my book, relationships come with some inevitable concessions and slight changes to your habits/lifestyle, as seeing you are no longer single and only have to care about yourself, there is now someone else in the picture whose feelings and perspective you have to consider

This sounds reasonable.

However, what sort of changes would you expect her to make? 

She can remain friends but no getting together 1:1?  No staying at their place even when most convenient?

Where do you draw the line?  And if they are truly just friends, why would these things matter? 

You either trust she knows the difference between friendship and romance/sex and that's she's being truthful when saying they're just friends. 

Or you don't. 

You either trust she has appropriate boundaries and would distance herself from these friends if lines were being crossed. 

Or you don't. 

And did you read where I wrote that female friendships can also be sexually charged?  I've experienced that as I wrote in previous.

I take it this wouldn't bother you because well, they're women. 

The fact these friends are men and on some level you feel threatened by that is something to explore within yourself imo. 

You can't expect her to have half-way friends with certain "conditions" because her boyfriend is uncomfortable with it. 

That's quite heavy-handed imo, and if me, would not sit well, it's quite controlling. 

Compromise is good but when it comes to long time friendships since childhood, no matter what their gender, drawing a hard line and imposing conditions on such friendships is very risky and you risk losing her. 

Good luck though. 

 

Edited December 8, 2022 by poppyfields

[BaileyB]

38 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

I'm a woman with more male friends than female (mostly due to my job and my hobbies). I definitely believe that men and women can be platonic friends.

That being said, I would never stay overnight in the same room as a male friend with just the 2 of us. If it was a group trip and there were many people sharing an apartment (especially if we were broke students) then that would be fine, but never 1:1. Nor would I accept it if my partner did that with a female friend.

Agree, I have very close, long term friendships with two people who are married to each other. When the husband comes to town, we go out for dinner and a movie together. It’s purely platonic. 

My partner has a very good female friend at work - they talk all the time and it doesn’t bother me in the slightest (his ex-wife was very jealous). 

That said, I would never travel with my friend’s husband or any other man and spend the night alone together. It’s just not something I would do because I respect my friend (his wife) and my partner too much. His wife likely wouldn’t care, I’m still not going to do it. Nor would I be comfortable if my partner stayed for the weekend alone with another woman. I trust him completely but that’s just a boundary that we have drawn for our relationship. 

Edited December 8, 2022 by BaileyB

[Lotsgoingon]

You gf doesn't understand (major understatement) that when it comes to hanging out with guys, she has the burden of proof to explain those relationships in detail, ahead of time, so you can relax and not worry about things.

I have close women friends, but if I'm dating, I talk about them to my partner. My partner knows the deal, knows how I relate to each individual friend. Two of my closest women friends are married. They talk about me with their spouses--their spouses know exactly what the deal is. And both guys are really warm towards me. 

And btw: if I were to spend a night with a single woman, that raises the stakes. I have high high high burden to make my partner feel comfortable. And frankly, I'd avoid spending the night with a single woman friend. I don't want to put myself in any possible situation where I'm going to be tempted.

The only exception would be you know a regional catastrophe and I can't get home and have to hang out somewhere. Even in that case, I'd go first for a motel over staying the night in an apartment with a single friend. I'd be much more comfortable staying the night with a married friend whose husband is on the premises. 

[poppyfields]

I agree with both @Elswythand @BaileyBhowever these are long time friendships since childhood, I would imagine to be more like a brother/sister relationship.

In any event, up to you OP, it's your relationship.

There is a saying however I very much believe in, which is. 

Boyfriends/girlfriends (especially early in) can come and go, good friendships especially those since childhood are for life. 

Something to consider anyway. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, MrEkko said:

Is it so unreasonable to talk to her about this and express how I'm seeing it?

So why haven’t you already? No need for the great deal of analysis. It should have been mentioned way back but you held back. The woman’s been busy living her life and you’re second guessing yourself. 

Being open and honest is important but not to the point where at 3 months in you’re both having grave and serious concerns or discussions about friends of the opposite sex. You’re still observing one another. There’s no reason to make someone self conscious about their friends and better to respectfully walk away. This isn’t one person. It’s several friends and multiple occasions where she’s close to and interested in staying with her friends who happen to be male. You’re either ok or not ok with it and walk away if you’re not. 

The most telling is that this isn’t an isolated incident. This is who she is and I would not seek to discuss or try to understand further. It will result in resentment and disagreement. 

[Alpacalia]

My childhood friend is a man and I would not make certain concessions to someone I just started dating. I would also not be sharing a hotel room with him.

It is incongruous to state "I trust her, yet I don't trust those around her."

Trust is either present or absent. The concept of a half-trust does not exist in the same way that a sheet of glass is either broken or it is not.

Trusting her also means you trust her to enforce boundaries and limits as much as possible. Though you may not feel that it is safe for her, she is the one who knows herself best.

Honesty is the best policy.

Why don't you just speak directly with her about it? The most effective way to avoid ambiguity is to tell her directly what you feel and what you are thinking. If there are any misunderstandings, best that they are clarified and nipped in the bud now.