Seems mad at me?

[86625892]

Met this guy a few months ago. We have a similar friend group and share a lot of interests. Got along super well from the beginning, the kind of situation where we're bouncing off each other verbally laughing, joking. We have the same slightly dark sense of humour, which can be a bit suggestive at times too. 

After a month or two of knowing each other, he mentioned an online game he was thinking of trying and invited me to play with him. I agreed and we ended up spending almost every other evening on it together. Even without our other friends as buffers, conversation was effortless and we talked about everything from stupid jokes to serious topics, including some personal issues he's been going through. It didn't take long, but I started to develop other feelings for him.

Of course I had to process my own feelings first, but it seemed pretty natural to me. I liked him. However, I didn't really get much impression that he felt the same. After testing the waters a little bit, at one stage I slipped up and HEARD him stop. He quickly said he needed to go to bed.

I messed up, obviously. Next time I saw him in person he said hello, but went off to talk to our other friends and wouldn't even look me in the eye. Tried to catch him on one of our usual evenings but no, he was busy. Night after night after night. I backed off, but honestly just needed to get it out of the way. 

I asked if I could talk to him. Got told he was too busy and "We'll catch up soon". I ended up just sending him a voice message of all things explaining I'd caught feelings. I knew he didn't feel the same and it wasn't anyone's fault. Wish you the best. He texted back admitting he'd thought so and backed off. Apologized for not being there and saying he just had other issues going on. Could we still continue friends?

No. I couldn't be friends. I wished him the best. I knew if I kept talking to him I'd just stay caught. 

He's still acting off. Again, we share mutual friends so there are group chats etc. He's been cancelling plans, moody. Probably to do with his personal issues. That's fair. At one point I touched base to make sure he was ok, reiterate that I hadn't meant to make him uncomfortable, etc. I got back a "I honestly don't know what I did to make you think I was interested. I have too much going on. You got carried away."

Ok ouch? Not like I had control over it. I pointed out that it wasn't deliberate, good luck with your problems. But what the hell was that? I never said he was interested and I certainly never implied he was responsible. I get that maybe he feels bad about what happened, but not sure where that anger is coming from? Probably just emotionally immature, right? I'm not sure what I could've done differently. 

 

[Alpacalia]

He's not mad. He's just not interested. I'm sorry. :(

[basil67]

Could it be that he's disappointed to have lost you as a friend?

[NuevoYorko]

What you could have done differently?  Continued as friends.

He's not interested,  but your mindset and behavior around him are problematic.  It seems that you put your emotional load on him in an inappropriate way.   It would have been cleaner to just ask him out and if he said "no," just let it roll and go back to having fun playing the game and socializing in the group setting.  But, you told him you CAN'T be friends.  So you put things into an untenable,  and super awkward place.  

Question:  Since you told him you can't be friends, what is your point with contacting him, noticing he's "acting off,"  being involved in anything he might be participating in?  What are you even doing around him?  

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

But, you told him you CAN'T be friends.  So you put things into an untenable,  and super awkward place.  

Yes, this ^

If you're unwilling to be friends, it's probably best to back away events that he'll be at so that he can continue to socialise without you there being awkward

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

Question:  Since you told him you can't be friends, what is your point with contacting him, noticing he's "acting off,"  being involved in anything he might be participating in?  What are you even doing around him?  

This^ He's already told you He's Not Interested.  He couldn't be more clear.

 

1 hour ago, taters97 said:

Quote

 

He texted back admitting he'd thought so and backed off. Apologized for not being there and saying he just had other issues going on. Could we still continue friends?

No. I couldn't be friends. I wished him the best. I knew if I kept talking to him I'd just stay caught. 

 

This was the right attitude to take from his conversation.  

Quote

He's still acting off. Again, we share mutual friends so there are group chats etc. He's been cancelling plans, moody. Probably to do with his personal issues. That's fair.

No, it's his business and not yours if he's acting moody, cancelling plans or has personal issues.  Nothing to do with you.  What's Fair?

Quote

At one point I touched base to make sure he was ok, reiterate that I hadn't meant to make him uncomfortable, etc. I got back a "I honestly don't know what I did to make you think I was interested. I have too much going on. You got carried away."

Please, just as we told you in your last thread leave this guy alone.  He's so annoyed by you he's going to get a restraining order if you don't let up.

 

[86625892]

Sorry but "what are you even doing around him" - like I mentioned, we share friends. We're bound to be nearby but I don't want to maintain the same closeness as we had because I DON'T want to make him uncomfortable. I felt it was better at least for now.

I'm not going to stop hanging out with my friends.

 

And I reached out from genuine concern. Not going to go into detail about what I heard but felt like the right thing to do.

[Lotsgoingon]

Stop worrying about him. You committed no crime. Live your life. 

[NuevoYorko]

You definitely brought the awkward drama by laying your emotions on him and then telling him you can't be friends,  but carrying on hanging around with all of HIS friends.  It's kind of like you're squeezing him out of his own life.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, taters97 said:

Sorry but "what are you even doing around him" - like I mentioned, we share friends. We're bound to be nearby but I don't want to maintain the same closeness as we had because I DON'T want to make him uncomfortable. I felt it was better at least for now.

I'm not going to stop hanging out with my friends.

Just to get a better understanding....in your opening post, you said you ,met a few months ago and have a similar friend group.  This doesn't read like you're both long term established members of the same group.  If he's new to your friend group, let your friends know that you broke up and to stop inviting him.  Or if these friends were originally his friends, letting them go is the right thing to do.

[glows]

3 hours ago, taters97 said:

Sorry but "what are you even doing around him" - like I mentioned, we share friends. We're bound to be nearby but I don't want to maintain the same closeness as we had because I DON'T want to make him uncomfortable. I felt it was better at least for now.

I'm not going to stop hanging out with my friends.

 

And I reached out from genuine concern. Not going to go into detail about what I heard but felt like the right thing to do.

That’s what friends do. They reach out to see whether you’re doing ok. I think there’s the strong possibility your words don’t match your actions casting you as insincere or having other motives. He’s uneasy around you and his tone was curt and brisk because he may think you’re unpredictable at this point. I understand you don’t want the same level of friendship you once had and want some boundaries but he may not know that. Friends also means being polite and cordial. 

If you do care, avoid the gossip mill or paying too much attention to anything you’ve heard others gossiping about him. If someone asks you what he’s said to you, decline an answer and tell them they should ask themselves or mind their own business. I’m mentioning this as it seems you were inquiring or asking how he was due to what you’d heard from someone else. 

Having said all that, he isn’t interested in speaking any further it seems so let this blow over and let the dust settle. Don’t force anything. If he wants to find you or chat again he knows where you are.

Edited December 8, 2022 by glows

[NuevoYorko]

6 hours ago, taters97 said:

I liked him. However, I didn't really get much impression that he felt the same. After testing the waters a little bit, at one stage I slipped up and HEARD him stop. He quickly said he needed to go to bed.

I messed up, obviously. Next time I saw him in person he said hello, but went off to talk to our other friends and wouldn't even look me in the eye. Tried to catch him on one of our usual evenings but no, he was busy. Night after night after night. I backed off, but honestly just needed to get it out of the way. 

I asked if I could talk to him. Got told he was too busy and "We'll catch up soon". I ended up just sending him a voice message of all things explaining I'd caught feelings. I knew he didn't feel the same and it wasn't anyone's fault. Wish you the best. He texted back admitting he'd thought so and backed off. Apologized for not being there and saying he just had other issues going on. Could we still continue friends?

No. I couldn't be friends. I wished him the best. I knew if I kept talking to him I'd just stay caught. 

OP - Do you see why your behavior could be considered out of line?   

As soon as this guy cut you off and went to bed when you did / said whatever boundary-crossing thing,  you pursued him relentlessly to tell him AGAIN.  He obviously did everything in his power to avoid this and you would not let up.  "Night after night after night."   Why did you do this, when he made it crystal clear to you he was not interested in that way while you were gaming?   

That's some pretty extreme behavior, taters.   You went too far.  

 

 

[86625892]

2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

OP - Do you see why your behavior could be considered out of line?   

As soon as this guy cut you off and went to bed when you did / said whatever boundary-crossing thing,  you pursued him relentlessly to tell him AGAIN.  He obviously did everything in his power to avoid this and you would not let up.  "Night after night after night."   Why did you do this, when he made it crystal clear to you he was not interested in that way while you were gaming?   

That's some pretty extreme behavior, taters.   You went too far.  

 

 

Nuevo I don't think you're fully understanding. So let me be clear.

1) neither of us is "new" to these friend groups. we share some of the same friends but hadnt previously been introduced. again, not leaving people I've been friends with for years

2) i was trying to get in touch TO APOLOGIZE. i knew he wasn't interested after that occasion and wanted to explain myself. it's not like I did something extreme. i tested the limits of our flirting and stopped once he pulled back

[86625892]

- some of HIS friends are also MY friends

- some of MY friends are also HIS friends

There's about a 50% overlap. We had even known about each other before, just never been properly introduced.

After the event where we met, one of OUR friends made a big group chat with everyone. That's how we started talking initially so much.

Things I'm not going to do:

x leave my friends

x make him leave his friends

x tell my friends to leave him out or bully him

x miss social events out of fear he might be there

IDK about you guys, but those things seem FAR MORE extreme than just not wanting to play a video game

[glows]

Let him be what he needs to be. He’s not bothering anyone by cancelling plans and being moody, is he? You’re a group so continue making group plans and leave room for someone who may cancel at the last minute. Don’t make it an issue. He knows all of you care but don’t crowd his space either or become too involved as it appears intrusive. 

I’m puzzled why you’re taking offence to his behaviours knowing he’s going through a tough time in the first place. Let him be. The friendship will resume as many friendships would later over time. You don’t need to try so hard to keep in touch or reach out. Let him come to you. If it never happens, so what. He’s entitled to choose not to say a word to you or want to have anything to do with you.

Be busy living your own life and date other guys outside this circle. Things are way too focused on this guy. Focus more on you and your own life.

Edited December 8, 2022 by glows

[ExpatInItaly]

16 hours ago, taters97 said:

No. I couldn't be friends

This is your answer here. 

You told him you can't be friends (understandable) He's keeping his distance now, knowing he doesn't have the same feelings for you and that you don't wish to be his friend. I am not sure what more you expect from him, to be honest.

 It's time to leave this behind you. Be polite when you see him in person, but understand that your friendship has come to an end and he isn't that comfortable around you any longer. It will blow over, but it won't go back to the way it was. That door has closed. 

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, taters97 said:

i was trying to get in touch TO APOLOGIZE. i knew he wasn't interested after that occasion and wanted to explain myself. it's not like I did something extreme. i tested the limits of our flirting and stopped once he pulled back

You need to step back.

Your constant awkwardness has led him to avoid you.

When you're met with silence the appropriate response is to back off.

 

[stillafool]

May

9 minutes ago, taters97 said:

I am not entering HIS space. We share the same social circles, group chats, and happened to be at the same events. Not leaving my friends for this

"Out of his space" means "out of his face".  Leave him alone when you're interacting with your other mutual friends.  Don't talk to him and try not to look at him.  Just pretend he isn't there and enjoy your time with your friends.  I'm sure he'd appreciate it.

[flitzanu]

21 hours ago, taters97 said:

. Could we still continue friends?

No. I couldn't be friends. I wished him the best. I knew if I kept talking to him I'd just stay caught. 

 

 

 

that's the answer.  no, you told him you don't want to be friends, therefore you can't continue trying to act like a friend and question his moods and feelings. 

not friends = not involved, that's why he's likely being assertive when you keep hounding him and contacting him.

[La.Primavera]

In answer to your question, I think the anger comes from a position of defensiveness and self-preservation, seeing as he has already mentioned he is dealing with other problems in his life.  He doesn't sound like he is equipped to deal with unrequited feelings on top of it all.  Some people are really good at handling these situations... almost too good.  They attract orbiters and unintentionally lead people on.  If he had been too sweet about it, you might have found yourself liking him more, which is worse!

I know his actions were very hurtful, but in the long run this should help you move on quicker.  That's the only upside in this situation.  Rejection stings and I'm sorry that he was so harsh, but it might have felt that you were pushing too hard after the fact, which made him more frustrated.  I understand why you tried so hard to make things right, but clearly, he doesn't want to hear it. 

For now, all you can do is let things be.  He has other issues going on but in time you might get to a place where you can have shared friends and at least be civil with one another.  That shouldn't be initiated by you though.  That needs to come from him.  Just continue to be yourself but keep a subtle distance and don't engage him in conversation unnecessarily.  I would also suggest that you be mindful that any attempts on his part to be friendly in the future will be platonic only.  If you find yourself slipping back into the romantic feelings, back away.  I understand how easily this happens, so if you can't avoid him, at least make sure you aren't in a position where you can become too attached again.  Space and distance really do help!

This isn't the right guy for you, but having him too close will continue to mess with your emotions and may prevent the right guy from getting a look in.  Just something to keep in mind.

Hope you get over him soon!

[Wiseman2]

On 12/7/2022 at 5:10 PM, 86625892 said:

. After testing the waters a little bit, at one stage I slipped up and HEARD him stop. He quickly said he needed to go to bed

Sorry this happened. In what way did you "slip up"? 

Confessing feelings is usually a mistake. If you like someone ask them to get a drink. If it's no thanks, then move forward. It's ok to have a crush, but it's better to just ask for a date than awkwardly trying to get in a conversation about your feelings.

[86625892]

It's all good actually. We had a nice chat yesterday evening and cleared the air. He asked me to hang back after a group call. We mentally checked in, apologized.

He mentioned he wasnt in any state rn to be thinking about these things, and I "got him by surprise". He regrets that he ran and didn't give me the chance to explain, and also that he snapped when I was trying to look out for him. Turned out he thought I was angry with HIM, too, and when I explained I was just hurt embarrassed he said I was fine. He's been in my position before.

Even got an "you're an amazing lady" for biting the bullet ;3;

Similar to what you mentioned, Primavera, we agreed for the sake of the whole group we're going to get along. Just not with the same liberties as before and not alone. 

We both really feel a lot better and it's nice to have closure ❤️

[JTSW]

I'm glad everything is resolved. 

Neither of you did anything wrong.

[Genii]

TW for drug usage first of all. Not looking for judgement on that just people with the same experience. Or people who can empathize enough to give me some pointers.

 

This person is a friend I've liked for some time. I never really said anything to him, but inevitably he seemed to understand that I wanted something more from him and we drifted apart. I still like him a lot, but managed to get ahold of my feelings to the point where we started casually talking again in most settings (never alone though). We were almost getting back to being friends. 

Or we WERE. Almost a week ago we both went down to London for mutual friends' joint Stag/Hen Do. He brought some E with him and a group of us all took it. 6-7 of us left the club we were at and ended up in someone's hotel room where everyone started talking nonsense/hugging and so on. We were both on the couch, got closer and closer til we were making out (in front of everyone else ofc). That eventually escalated to sneaking off to his room and spending the night...

Thankfully I woke up first and made myself scarce. Haven't seen him since as I just told our friends I wasn't well and got the train home. He texted me asking if I was OK and then rang me about 2 days ago. I didn't answer either. I don't know what to say and what to expect. I'm also annoyed that I just about felt like I was getting over the rejection and now THIS happens.

If anyone's been in a similar situation I'd appreciate some hints as to what to say? I also have no clue what HE's going to say so that makes me even more anxious. I definitely agree that having an open conversation about it is the best way to go but it would help to be a bit prepared.

[glows]

Ok health first, love later. Please get STD tested for your own health and peace of mind. 

He’s calling you so pick up next time or call him back and ask him what he wants/let him talk. He already knows you have feelings so he can come right out and ask you out and address what happened if he wants. Otherwise, treat this as nothing special. I wouldn’t ask him about the night or ever speak about it. Never happened. The ball has always been in his court. If he can’t step up to it and ask you out he’s not interested.