Seems mad at me?

[mark clemson]

I haven't been in this specific situation. However, from a "let's form a relationship" behaviors perspective, this is dysfunctional (on both your parts).

You are (probably inadvertently) being hot/cold and so is he. Something happens and instead of rolling with it, you are ghosting when he shows concern for your well-being.

Put yourself in his shoes. To him, you are showing "I'm not interested" vibes by not communicating despite what happened. IF you really are interested, then the way to turn this around is to take a risk by communicating and see if "interest" is reciprocated. If it's not, you walk away.  If you really aren't interested, then you leave this pat.

He has no doubt already sensed the "dysfunction" by you not answering him. So, he probably assumes you are not interested at this point. He may be surprised if you do reach out and he may have already given up on you. So, if you reach out be prepared for the potential for a rebuttal/lack of interest. There IS still a chance, it's just lower than it would have been. Explaining that you were "sorting yourself out" or similar may possibly help.

If  you prefer this all simply be over, well, just do nothing, continue to ignore him and get on with your life. It had an odd ending. C'est la vie.

Edited December 17, 2022 by mark clemson

[ExpatInItaly]

I would call him so you can hear what he has to say. 

I imagine he wants to see if you're alright, given that you left quickly and then ignored his call. But don't expect anything to have changed about his feelings for you or interest in dating you. I would expect this was a one-time hookup when judgment was off and inhibitions low. 

[Genii]

Thanks Glow I definitely will! Already got a pill the day after as there's no way I want to deal with any worse consequences.

I suppose it's a good idea to just let him talk first as, like you said the ball is in his court. I'm just trying to prepare myself for what he might say. Let's be realistic like you said, there's a high chance it was just a mistake and he wants nothing more.

 

Well Mark he already made it clear he wasn't interested which is what causes my confusion. This throws more mess into an already sticky situation essentially that neither of us needed. I don't think the interest existed prior to being under the influence if you know what I mean?

 

One thing I'm trying to get my head around - and maybe I'm being silly - is a feeling of guilt? I already liked him, and knew he wanted nothing more, so I want to think my sober self would have stopped things before they went too far. Unfortunately she wasn't in charge that night... I mean it was definitely consensual (fun, too) and he was actually the one to suggest his room, but I feel like I should have had more sense. 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Genii said:

 I also have no clue what HE's going to say so that makes me even more anxious.

Reply to his communication. As far as the encounter, don't feel bad. He's at least concerned about how you are.

Try not to backpedal or be anxious. Sometimes hookups go somewhere sometimes they don't. Act like no big deal and just carry on.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Genii said:

I'm just trying to prepare myself for what he might say

What are you afraid of hearing? 

[Genii]

36 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What are you afraid of hearing? 

Almost everything haha.

On one hand, if he still just wants to be friends I feel like I'll go mentally back to where I was when I first got turned down.

On the other if he wants to be more, I can't be sure if he's just getting ideas because of what we did. It would be hard to know if his feelings were more or he just got caught up.

The absolute WORST option would be if he just starts to see me as a hookup/FWB. He doesn't strike me as that kind of person but you never know. 

[mark clemson]

6 hours ago, Genii said:

Well Mark he already made it clear he wasn't interested which is what causes my confusion. This throws more mess into an already sticky situation essentially that neither of us needed. I don't think the interest existed prior to being under the influence if you know what I mean?

Ah, in that case just drop it and walk away. Simple, if not particularly pleasant. Find someone who likes you back.

Chasing/pining after someone who genuinely isn't interested (aka "orbiting") is a waste of your time/romantic life and should be minimized.

Edited December 18, 2022 by mark clemson

[NuevoYorko]

5 hours ago, Genii said:

The absolute WORST option would be if he just starts to see me as a hookup/FWB. He doesn't strike me as that kind of person but you never know. 

Well, if he does,  don't go there, since clearly it's not what will be good for YOU.  Also, if he does, it doesn't mean that he sees you as any lesser "kind of person."  I mean, a person who has casual sexual liaisons in their lives is not a lesser being.   

 

[Genii]

Oh I wasn't trying to comment on people who have casual sex. I'd be a hypocrite if I did.

Just he knows I have stronger feelings for and don't think he'd be that insensitive

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, Genii said:

I'm just trying to prepare myself for what he might say.

Call him back and be cheerful.  If he brings up that night tell him you had fun and then change the subject.  That is your best chance to remain friends.  There's really nothing to talk about unless he wants to ask to see you again.  If he does then do see him if you want to.  If he doesn't ask you out don't hang on the phone, tell him you've got to go and hang up.

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, Genii said:

 if he just starts to see me as a hookup/FWB. 

In this case it was a hookup so apparently he is that type of person. Relax and just play it by ear without hopes of turning a fun night into more than it was .

[JTSW]

Trust me, it'll be better to have a good talk with him about it and clear the air. 

Don't keep ignoring him, call him back.

Update us x

[glows]

Was there an update?

Maybe it’s guilt or maybe it’s feeling remorse that you might not have done this had you been sober but that’s you coming down on yourself for having known better. The irony is you told us not to preach at you about the drugs etc but you seem to still feel bad about it yourself. You were at a party and things happened. I’m assuming neither of you are in relationships and are single. 

Why not treat this as more of a learning curve? It’d be nice if this turned into something more but given the history and his lack of interest in the past it’s difficult to say whether this one is worth hanging onto. 

 

[emotionallybroken9]

You got high on E. 

do you know how strong a force one must have to not act on feelings??

1) you were at a club

2) u did one of the most euphoric drugs in the world

3) you went back to a hotel for after fun hangout with friebds

4) you hooked up with a cute guy at the party

5) (this is where it all went to s***) YOU panicked and YOU overanalyzed. 
 

Honestly? It sounds like you two just had a casual hook up. Your past feelings? Time to get over them. You weren’t looking for a relationship, and doesn’t sound like he was either. 
 

Two good looking people hooked up after a night of drugs and clubbing. That’s all I read.

everything else is in your head. 
 

you may not have a potential relationship with this guy, and honestly you shouldn’t look for one either. But you can DEFINITELY be friends with benefits (when the moments happen, anyways), and still keep him as a friend when u move on to a guy that sees YOU and wants to DATE you  

 

swriously, enjoy the after glow! Don’t let the Sunday Blues (it’s the depression from the E comedown the next day) ruin what reads like a freaking AMAZING night! 
 

good luck! Hope it all works out for ya!!

[Genii]

Hi all! I guess I should update this as there's been some odd progress since that happened. We went silent again unfortunately after this. I felt like I should talk to him but unfortunately it just never felt like the right time and we're both busy doing our own thing. I was ready to just treat it as a casual hookup and went on dates with other people.

Out of nowhere however he started being friendly again. I took it with a grain of salt and just tried to be nice back. At one stage I left a parcel at my office and he actually volunteered to bring it to my place so I thought we might FINALLY be able to have a conversation....but he spent the whole time playing with the dog. Wouldn't even talk to my face. I guess maybe he was also feeling awkward, but he didn't even take the bottle of wine I'd promised him as payment saying I could "buy him a drink next time we see each other". No more info. No follow up after I agreed. Just that.

A bunch of us are going out together next week so I guess that's when I'll see him again.

Through convos with friends though

I DID get impatient yesterday and finally asked him what was going on. He admitted that he "had a hard time trusting people who care about him", and when I started acting interested he panicked. He doesn't regret what happened, etc. However, he doesn't think he's in any headspace for a relationship. So at least I have a bit of clarity but it's still 😭

I'm not waiting around - in fact I have a date with a nice guy tomorrow who seems promising. But mentally I'm stuck between wanting to just move on and being confused by the feelings I have for him.  Realistically if I was talking to a friend I'd tell them to give up and move on, but that's easier said than done. Actually, one of my friends gave me the great advice of "you can love someone but not need to HAVE them", so I guess I'm going with that for now. 

Edited January 20, 2023 by Genii

[86625892]

I previously posted a thread about this HERE , but wanted to vent/clarify a new turn to the mess. Honestly, it didn't take long for us to start getting along again. Slightly more guarded than before, and never alone, but since the new year we've been joking, talking and exchanging our usual innuendos like before I got confused. 

I still have feelings for him. Definitely. But I understand there's nothing can be done about that. I don't blame him for his actions, nor me for mine. It was a delicate situation.

He finally admitted to us some of the problems he's been having recently, and honestly it makes sense that he had ZERO time for some silly romance drama. Thankfully he's in the clear now and seeming a lot more cheerful. Back to his usual self, like I said.

I was the one who made a conscious effort not to be alone with him. Didn't want any more wires getting crossed. Foolishly, however, I decided the other day that I was past that, and stayed behind after a group call with our friends. To my surprise, he waited too, and didn't seem phased by me being there. 

The first thing he says to me? "*sigh* I'm lonely."

Probably should have hung up there, but I asked. Leaving myself open to 30mins of him telling me that he was broody, wanted to settle down, didn't want to die alone etc etc. Even a whole rant about how he doesn't want to be like his parents/dad and actually be involved in the raising of his kids. A whole summary of his upbringing and his family. He's even taking care of his friend's kids this weekend to "see what he's missing".

I tried to act natural, gave my two cents on kids and broodiness. But really just wanted to get out. It really made me feel invisible. He KNOWs I'm interested in him, yet goes on talking about these things like I don't matter. And for it to be the FIRST thing he talks about 1-1? As soon as the conversation died down I told him I needed to go to bed - I doubt I'll be staying back again for a while yet.

Edited February 11, 2023 by 86625892

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, 86625892 said:

. He KNOWs I'm interested in him, yet goes on talking about these things like I don't matter. 

Yes distance yourself. Especially don't get caught up playing free therapist to his problems. It's up to you to distance yourself from timewasters like this.

Pull way back or preferably free yourself and delete and block him. He's neither a romantic possibly or a friend so reflect on how to manage your time and energy with someone in this limbo.

[glows]

He isn’t interested in dating you and sees you as a friend. Can’t you put your feelings aside and not take it as an offence that he’s not romantically interested in you? 

If it’s not possible for you to do that then do distance yourself. I’d also go back to the things that attract you in a partner. Widen your scope and start meeting new people and going on dates. 

[Genii]

Sounds like he just sees you as a friend he can talk to tbh

Edited February 11, 2023 by Genii