My 9 year old daughter is starting to ask sex questions

[princessaurora]

I have a 9 year old who recently started getting really curious about where babies comes from. I've been telling her the past few years they grow in the mom's belly, but now that's she's in the 3rd grade, other kids are telling her more details.  She came home from school the other day and told me she knows babies come from sex. Then I asked her if she knew what sex was, and she said no. But then we were watching a show on tv, and there was a scene where the guy and girl started kissing on the bed and he takes his shirt off. She immediately says "ooh, they're going to have sex", so I think she knows more than what she's telling me. Also, my best friend is raising her granddaughter who is the same age, and the mother is very promiscuous and careless. Her daughter and mine were at her house a few months ago visiting and they started playing on the mom's phone and  found a video of her performing oral sex on a man. So they're both telling me that's so gross and asking if people really do that normally. I told them no, that's disgusting because what else are you supposed to tell a 9 year old? I know my daughter is going to eventually find out the explicit details of sex and I'd rather her hear it from me than anyone else, but the problem is she can't keep a secret for anything and we have a 6 yr old son. I can't have her telling him and then he goes to school and tells all the 1st graders what sex is. I'll be the most hated mom in my city. 

So how do I handle this? What can I tell her to satisfy her curiosity without giving away the things she's not quite old enough to hear? 

[basil67]

My daughter asked those questions when she was in preschool (so about 4 or 5 years old) so I taught her and her older brother about sex, pregnancy and birth using words and visual supports (my is autistic, so the visual supports were for him) in an age appropriate manner.  I much preferred to do it at that age than have her learn from someone else.  I also told her that this is not a topic to be discussed with friends at school as their parents may not be ready to tell them yet.   The kids were both unphased and just went back to whatever they were doing.

In your shoes, I'd ask her what she's been told and fill in any gaps in knowledge or correct any information which isn't accurate.   I also wouldn't allow her to visit at her friend's place anymore.  Giving kids access to a device which has pornographic material on it is completely unacceptable.  

 

[introverted1]

I had a newborn when my older kids were nearly 4 and 6.  For a few weeks they were curious about how babies "got out" but then one day the younger kid wanted to know how babies "got in."  In both cases, I told them the straight scoop, using age appropriate words. 

A few years later my older child heard about oral sex and wanted to know if this was something people do.  I said that people do things she may find distastefulness now but that when she is old enough, her views may change, and she and her partner will decide what they want to do.  We talked about consent then, too.

As my kids got older, the content of our talks expanded and deepened.

I much preferred that my kids learned about sex and consent and everything associated with these issues from me than from a friend or video or whatever that may not be accurate or may include judgements/presentations I didn't want my kids to internalise. 

[princessaurora]

16 hours ago, basil67 said:

My daughter asked those questions when she was in preschool (so about 4 or 5 years old) so I taught her and her older brother about sex, pregnancy and birth using words and visual supports (my is autistic, so the visual supports were for him) in an age appropriate manner.  I much preferred to do it at that age than have her learn from someone else.  I also told her that this is not a topic to be discussed with friends at school as their parents may not be ready to tell them yet.   The kids were both unphased and just went back to whatever they were doing.

In your shoes, I'd ask her what she's been told and fill in any gaps in knowledge or correct any information which isn't accurate.   I also wouldn't allow her to visit at her friend's place anymore.  Giving kids access to a device which has pornographic material on it is completely unacceptable.  

 

Yes, and its completely unacceptable she has that where children can access it. Me and my friend have decided neither one of  them are allowed over there anymore. My friend actually contacted an attorney to take full custody of all her children because this is only one of the many things she's doing that make her an unfit mother, but that's a whole nother story. 

I'm just afraid to tell her the exact details of sex because she will share that info with my 1st grader and he will tell everyone he knows. 

[princessaurora]

10 hours ago, introverted1 said:

I had a newborn when my older kids were nearly 4 and 6.  For a few weeks they were curious about how babies "got out" but then one day the younger kid wanted to know how babies "got in."  In both cases, I told them the straight scoop, using age appropriate words. 

A few years later my older child heard about oral sex and wanted to know if this was something people do.  I said that people do things she may find distastefulness now but that when she is old enough, her views may change, and she and her partner will decide what they want to do.  We talked about consent then, too.

As my kids got older, the content of our talks expanded and deepened.

I much preferred that my kids learned about sex and consent and everything associated with these issues from me than from a friend or video or whatever that may not be accurate or may include judgements/presentations I didn't want my kids to internalise. 

I definitely want both of them to hear it from me. I just have to wait a little longer so children way too young to know how penis goes in vagina won' t be subjected to that info. That's the issue. 

[introverted1]

2 hours ago, princessaurora said:

I definitely want both of them to hear it from me. I just have to wait a little longer so children way too young to know how penis goes in vagina won' t be subjected to that info. That's the issue. 

Why can't your first-grader know this? To be clear, I am not suggesting you present the information in a sexual context but in an informative one, just as you would explain any other bodily function or process.

Also, if your 9yo is going to share information with your 6yo, then presumably she has already shared what she learned from the oral sex video she watched as well as whatever she's learned from other kids at school.

I think you are underestimating the amount of speculative (and often inaccurate) talks kids partake in.  You would be better to ensure you control the message.

 

[BrinnM]

It’s about high time you talk to her about it. She’s seen more than plenty, apparently, and will share it with friends, trust me. These kids like to gossip about that kind of stuff. And don’t worry about your six year old, I’m sure he’s been clued in as well. 

[mark clemson]

Mommy and Daddy "snuggle" and sometimes that is sex, sometimes it's just regular snuggling ?  Thus she has some idea (which she already does) but doesn't need to hear the details of PIV until later...

[princessaurora]

10 hours ago, introverted1 said:

Why can't your first-grader know this? To be clear, I am not suggesting you present the information in a sexual context but in an informative one, just as you would explain any other bodily function or process.

Also, if your 9yo is going to share information with your 6yo, then presumably she has already shared what she learned from the oral sex video she watched as well as whatever she's learned from other kids at school.

I think you are underestimating the amount of speculative (and often inaccurate) talks kids partake in.  You would be better to ensure you control the message.

 

We live in a fairly small city in the South. I can assure you most kids that age around here  don't know what sex is. I know 2 of the moms and their kids haven't even asked those questions, so if my son was the one to expose that information, it would not be good. 

[princessaurora]

10 hours ago, BrinnM said:

It’s about high time you talk to her about it. She’s seen more than plenty, apparently, and will share it with friends, trust me. These kids like to gossip about that kind of stuff. And don’t worry about your six year old, I’m sure he’s been clued in as well. 

I'm going to have to keep it pg for now. She tells him everything. All my 6 yr old cares about is Bluey and Minecraft and i want to keep it that way for now. 

[princessaurora]

10 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Mommy and Daddy "snuggle" and sometimes that is sex, sometimes it's just regular snuggling ?  Thus she has some idea (which she already does) but doesn't need to hear the details of PIV until later...

This sounds doable. Something very simple. I just need to buy another year or two skating around the discussion if i can. lol

Thanks for your contribution, Mark:)

[introverted1]

9 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

We live in a fairly small city in the South. I can assure you most kids that age around here  don't know what sex is.

The south also has the highest rates of teen pregnancies.

 

[emotionallybroken9]

If you don’t teach her, she WILL learn from outside. 
 

here’s an example that hopefully will wake you up from your fog:

 

I grew up in a COUNTRY where sex outside of marriage = stoned to death. Yeah. So my folks never, EVER, gave me the sex talk, cuz I wasn’t supposed to have sex till marriage. 
 

news flash: from 7 years old till 15 (before I moved to North America), I saw sex on VHS tapes, Internet cafes, friends’ magazines and printed pictures. This was before internet and mobile phones were widely available. 
 

Because I didn’t have anyone to talk to about sex, I just learned it from watching friends, tv, internet, you name it. I developed some suuuuuuper unhealthy codependency issues and crazy body shame and insecurities. Took me until age of 37 to finally find some stability. 
 

my daughter knew about where babies come from by age of 5? Sex wasn’t detailed at all in the talks. I mean, she’s seen animals having sex, so… lol. 
 

don’t like to your kids. Blowjobs aren’t disgusting. Telling kids that now will mean when they DO like giving it or receiving it, they’ll internalize the pleasure as SHAME and SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME CUZ I LEARNED THAT BLOWJOBS ARE DISGUSTING BUT I LIKE THEM SO I BETTER HIDE MY SHAME AND FEEL GOOD BY PLEASURING GUYS IN SECRET. 
 

sounds ludicrous, but lord knows it’s 100% accurate. What we say to our kids now will affect them throughout their lives. Give yours a healthy and truthful start. 
 

some people like blowjobs, and some don’t. That’s the truth. 
 

heck, just watch a show about where animal babies come from, and from there teach your kiddo. When she asks sex acts questions, tell her it’s something adults that feel safe with a partner do, etc etc. 

it’s scary, but you got this! Give your little one a solid foundation, so that they can feel safe to come to you when they REALLY need it, instead of going to their idiot friends cuz they think mom won’t understand. This path usually leads to more troubles  

 

good luck! We’re cheering for u!!

[Wiseman2]

21 hours ago, princessaurora said:

This sounds doable. Something very simple. I just need to buy another year or two skating around the discussion if i can. lol

Thanks for your contribution, Mark:)

Unfortunately the birds and bees talk is long overdue. You can explain in simple understandable terms about the biology of reproduction. 

Keep in mind that adults sexualize body parts, not children so you'll need the courage and age appropriate terminology. 

Ask your pediatrician for advice on how to answer these questions in a neutral, understandable age appropriate manner. Try not to let your own discomfort stand in the way.

Most kids can watch some nature shows which often discuss frankly and naturally about mating and offspring. Maybe that could be a conversation starter?

 

 

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, princessaurora said:

. All my 6 yr old cares about is Bluey and Minecraft and i want to keep it that way for now. 

Be prepared to answer questions. You don't have to sit them down with any sort of formal talk but perhaps research the plethora of available books for parents on how to talk to your children about their natural curiosity regarding where babies come from and related subjects.

[princessaurora]

16 hours ago, emotionallybroken9 said:

don’t like to your kids. Blowjobs aren’t disgusting. Telling kids that now will mean when they DO like giving it or receiving it, they’ll internalize the pleasure as SHAME and SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME CUZ I LEARNED THAT BLOWJOBS ARE DISGUSTING BUT I LIKE THEM SO I BETTER HIDE MY SHAME AND FEEL GOOD BY PLEASURING GUYS IN SECRET. 

This is not something I was planning on doing permanently. Just for the time being. She is at an age where she mirrors and models what she sees. So I can't tell her this is normal right now.  She already thinks she should be able to do whatever I do even though I tell her it's adult stuff. So I will tell her when she gets a bit older, oral sex is totally normal,  once she's no longer in her copying stage. She's also very immature for her age and has a diagnosed learning disability.  So, her maturity level cannot handle that information at this stage in her life. 

But by the time she's reaches jr high, I will make sure she knows it's nothing shameful. 

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

I will tell her when she gets a bit older, oral sex is totally normal,  once she's no longer in her copying stage.

Why bring this up at all? Encouraging fellatio/cunnilingus in teens exposes them to much greater STD risks, since it is not something a condom can protect them from. It may be more important to emphasize not to feel pressured by boys to be liked or popular. Follow the advice of your pediatrician. Right now leave sexuality out of it and simply focus on reproduction. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Lose the fear of damaging her. Just lose it. Learning about sex does not destroy people. That's a myth and fantasy--it's understandable that you would worry about. But no need to.

Gotta tell you: internet sex and porn is just out there. It's a new ball game. So you can cut her off from the friend but kids specialize in finding information their parents don't want them to find, especially on a topic as explosively interesting as sex. I think the age for exploring for information is now younger than before. But I remember I was about 11 maybe when Jimmy, a kid on the corner, told me and a group of other guys how kids really were produced.

My mother had told me kids come from "love." Two people love each other and over time a child emerges, she said. .

Jimmy, about 14 at the time, said, "Dude, your parents had to get down to create you. They had to do it." Shocking. Didn't ruin my life. 

You do need trust yourself and to step up here. Because if you don't, she will get this information from others. And yes, she will get it off the internet and no amount of your monitoring (even with a parental control blocker on) will stop her because she'll get to the phone or some other kid. Keep listening as you are and add your own corrections to what she's hearing. Basically you want to give G-rated versions of the truth ... but pretty soon it'll be PG ... and at some point you'll give the explicit, accurate information. 

She actually needs to know some of this explicit information in order for her to know "good touch" vs "bad touch." It's now a part of sexual-abuse prevention that you do talk to young people so that they know what kind of touch is bad. You risk leaving them blank and ill-equipped to report a problem if you don't get very specific about when and where's she should NOT be touched. 

Edited December 10, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[emotionallybroken9]

4 hours ago, princessaurora said:

This is not something I was planning on doing permanently. Just for the time being. She is at an age where she mirrors and models what she sees. So I can't tell her this is normal right now.  She already thinks she should be able to do whatever I do even though I tell her it's adult stuff. So I will tell her when she gets a bit older, oral sex is totally normal,  once she's no longer in her copying stage. She's also very immature for her age and has a diagnosed learning disability.  So, her maturity level cannot handle that information at this stage in her life. 

But by the time she's reaches jr high, I will make sure she knows it's nothing shameful. 

Well, as Lotsgoingon has said above me, the age of technology is here. I hope you’re able to beat it, because anytime she’s near a potential screen (at school from classmates, computer, any friends home, or easiest: her own personal devices). 
 

Like I said, I learned all about sex and was watching porn by 11. And that was WITHOUT internet, lol. 
 

Anywhoo, I wish you the best! Please keep us in the loop on how things unfold, so hopefully this thread will help another parent in the future facing the same pickle

[ShyViolet]

She is already aware of it and she's already talking about it.  The time to educate her about this and teach her the correct information is now.  You are kidding yourself if you think you can keep it from her and wait until she is older.  If you don't, she will simply be influenced and get information, either good or bad, from outside sources.

I know you mean well, but lying to children is never good.  It's not helpful and it will lead to confusion.  There are age-appropriate ways to answer any and all questions.