17 year old . depression and self harm

[Michaelroyale]

hi all,from my previous discussion I'm very worried about my girlfriends son,I know lots of people have suggested that his behaviour is normal for a 17 year old teen ,but I thought for a while his behaviour wasn't normal, no friends no social life and literally lives in his bedroom and no social skills cannot conserve with anyone and socially awkward. I believe hes suffering from depression and just found out hes self harming with cuts down his arm unbelievable I'm totally shocked , I've been told this isn't new and this started years ago with a very traumatic divorce and his father who was emotionally abusive towards them all,that said how do I support him through this and how can we help him to recover from this,any advice would be much appreciated..

[basil67]

Honestly, the help this lad needs is of the professional level. 

In your last thread, there was talk about a lot of teens being mopey and monosyllabic and I've seen a nephew go into this phase and come out a lovely young man.  However, now that we know there's self harm, I'd say he needs a psychologist.   The psychologist can deal with the self harm, and while they are at it, can figure out if the shutting himself away is normal teenage behaviour or something more serious.

What's his mother say about the self harm?  What is she doing to help?

[Wiseman2]

On 12/8/2022 at 5:14 AM, Michaelroyale said:

  how can we help him to recover from this,

Your GF needs to take him to the appropriate doctors. From there, they can recommend an adolescent psychiatrist/psychologist. 

[Michaelroyale]

thankyou that's agreat idea I will discuss that option with my GF..😊

[emotionallybroken9]

Oh man, he’s lonely, he’s 17, he’s a guy. 
 

Now here’s the thing, are you helping him out as a boyfriend of his mom? Or are you gonna take him on with the energy one would put into a biological son? 
 

imagine you just returned from the War efforts in X country, and you found your son like this. What would you do then? 
 

if it’s just that he’s made no friends in school [ ]  time to make NEW friends. Get him a job at a local fast food place. They always hiring. Literally any conveniently located fast food, u walk up to the counter, ask to speak to a manager, ask if they’re hiring and to give you an application. Collect a bunch of em. Sit down with the boy and fill em out together. He clearly never had a good role model, so it’s up to you to take on that responsibility, or not. Really up to you how far you’re willing to go. 
 

Next, he needs to start working out. He just does. It builds confidence, fixes hormone imbalances, and opens up doors to club activities. sign him up to the gym and GO with him. Get a routine going for a month or so. He has to know SOMEONE cares for him and he’s WORTH the energy investment. His dad didn’t do it. His mom isn’t/can’t do it. 
 

Once you have these 2 first steps done, the life dynamic will change. 
 

i HIIIIIIIGHLY recommend he join a Brazilian jujutsu club. I dont know where you live, but I’m confident there’s some form of martial arts gym near you. They’re usually $100-150 a month. If he works part time, he’ll make friends at work AND the gym, and he’d have money for the gym and side cash. 
 

The boy needs discipline. That’s it. Either you do it or just suggest he goes to therapy. But therapy will probably get him to my advice, except it would have cost u lots of $$$ and taken away a chance for u to bond with the kid. He’s only 17. Soon enough he’ll be an adult. Bond with him if u plan to be with this woman for the long haul. If not, then yeah, just do the therapy suggestion and hope for the best. 
 

good luck! Tough spot, but only if you’re not in it for the long haul  

Edited December 10, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Michaelroyale]

Thankyou so much for excellent advice...I will do my best for him hes a lovely lad...

[Lotsgoingon]

Two recommendations: he  needs a therapist, a psychologist most likely, for weekly meetings. You might find someone who specializes in trauma, but the best therapists are able to treat a range of problems. You might start by looking at people who treat self harm. 

Also, he needs a psychiatrist as well. Psychiatrists these days don't do therapy. They typically prescribe medication and meet with the patient four times a year, maybe more frequently early as they try to get to the right medication that will help the patient. When people have serious problems, I always recommend meds and therapy. 

Now here's my question. Why isn't your gf already taking action on this? Is she clueless and passive and out of it? If so, you do not want to rescue her. If she can't mobilize herself to help a severely distressed son, then you really need to keep your distance. That's a major flaw. She'll be a terrible relationship partner. 

You want to resist the role of hero and rescuer coming in with the great recommendations. You want to partner with someone who rescues themselves and asks for help and support in addition to taking action on their own! 

What's the deal with gf? Is she on sites asking about this problem with her son? If no, why not? 

 

[Foxhall]

If he views you as an "alright bloke" I suppose thats probably a good starting point for you,

the main thing for you right now I would say is that you dont let him sense your own anxiety, 

I recall from my own teenage years while I was not as extreme as described here- the ability to pick up on the adults anxiety was often a stress factor,

so gaining his trust and not being judgmental is probably your best immediate plan.

He might just open up to you at a later stage.