nacho parenting in LDR

[Seekingsolace47]

I have been in a LDR for almost two years. We are very fortunate that we are able to see each other about every three weeks. About six months ago, I moved closer but still 3 states away. For a variety of reasons, I have only met his kids twice while he is fully involved with my kids. His kids' situation is unlikely to change which has been hard for me because I am unable to build a relationship with them. My question is this, is it possible to continue a relationship if I disengage from his kids even though he is fully engaged with my kids.

Backstory just for context: we were friends as teens, married & divorced other people, reconnected in our 40's. It feels like the relationship that I always dreamed of and never thought was possible and he feels the same.

Thanks!

[BaileyB]

I’m curious as to how he is fully involved with your children - if you live three states away and you see each other every three weeks? Is their father also in their lives?

I am in a relationship with a man who has a (now 18 ) year old son. When we met, his child was 12 years old. I will say, I have had to throw out any and all preconceived expectations I may have had when I entered this relationship… Early days, I tried to build a relationship with him but as a friend, not in any way a parent. I never wanted to be “fully involved in his life.” I wanted to be supportive and we wanted to provide a stable and healthy home for his son. But, his father and mother were his parents - always. I would say we are friendly toward each other now, but not especially close. I would actually say that he’s not especially close to anyone but his father, and even that relationship is changing as he grows older. We all live together (almost full time as his son continues to go back and forth to his mom’s a few days a week) and have for two years now. My point being, in my experience you don’t need to have a close relationship with his children to be deliriously happy with their father. You need to coexist - and anything above and beyond that is a bonus.  I think you are placing unrealistic expectations on your relationship with his children (and his relationship with your own children). Just live your life, love your partner, take care of your respective children, and the rest will be what it will be… and it will change over time. Good luck.

Edited December 10, 2022 by BaileyB

[Seekingsolace47]

9 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I’m curious as to how he is fully involved with your children - if you love three states away and you see each other every three weeks?

I am in a relationship with a man who has a (now 18 ) year old son. When we met, his child was 12 years old. I will say, I have had to throw out any and all preconceived expectations I may have had when I entered this relationship… Early days, I tried to build a relationship with him but as a friend, not in any way a parent. I would say we are friendly toward each other now, but not especially close. I would actually say that he’s not especially close to anyone but his father, and even that relationship is changing as he grows older. We all live together (almost full time as his son continues to go back and forth to his mom’s a few days a week) and have for two years now. My point being, in my experience you don’t need to have a close relationship with his children to be deliriously happy with their father. You need to coexist - and anything above and beyond that is a bonus.  I think you are placing unrealistic expectations on your relationship with his children (and his relationship with your own children). Just live your life, love your partner, take care of your respective children, and the rest will be what it will be… and it will change over time. Good luck.

Yes, I realize I should clarify his being fully engaged with my kids lol. A better explanation is that he has spent significant time with my kids over the last two years. We visit him, he visits us, we vacation together. When we are in the same location, my kids are on him like leeches lol. When we are not in the same location, they talk to each other on video chat. He is comfortable redirecting my kids if needed when we are together and they are respectful of him. Does that provide clarity?

Thank you for the reassurance that there can still be a relationship with him even if there isn't any connection with his kids. I appreciate it.

[BaileyB]

It does provide clarity.

Can I ask - how old are his children? What reason does he provide for why they don’t spend more time with you?

I’m assuming that your children are young? Do they have a relationship with their father?

Also curious why you didn’t move closer (when you moved)?

Edited December 10, 2022 by BaileyB

[Seekingsolace47]

His are 11, 13 and 15. Mine are 9, 13, 13. Yes, my kids have a close relationship with their Dad, they’re not seeking a father figure.

I moved to where we had family and was not interested in moving to where my relationship is. 

he doesn’t give excuses for why his don’t spend more time with me. It’s a reality of his custody agreement. He would like for me to spend more time with them but I’ve become resistant

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Seekingsolace47 said:

I moved to where we had family and was not interested in moving to where my relationship is. 

Is there a long term goal to eventually bring this together? Just curious…

1 hour ago, Seekingsolace47 said:

He would like for me to spend more time with them but I’ve become resistant

Again, curious to know the reason for your hesitation?

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, Seekingsolace47 said:

He would like for me to spend more time with them but I’ve become resistant

Why is that? 

I am a little unclear about why you don't want to see them more. It sounds he like he wants you to, which I had assumed was not the case. But it appears he's trying to encourage it, and you are the one shying away. 

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Seekingsolace47 said:

His are 11, 13 and 15. Mine are 9, 13, 13.. he doesn’t give excuses for why his don’t spend more time with me. 

Do whatever is best for your children. Keep in mind unavailable people choose other unavailable people. This includes LDRs and other improbable situations.

Perhaps it's time to let go. You seem to be overinvolved and overinvested in a go-nowhere situation out of loneliness and trying to adjust to single parenthood.

When you are ready willing and able to date and pursue a viable relationship, you'll let go of this and start fresh locally and what is in the best interest of your children and their stability .

[glows]

I cannot fathom why you’d like to disengage from kids, his or otherwise. I’m not clear here what’s going on that would move a person to ever do this or why there’s such a strong push/pull in a relationship that appears to be going nowhere. 

No, I wouldn’t be comfortable with this situation at all especially considering there are children involved and your kids appear overinvolved with a man 3 states away.

 

[BaileyB]

Disengaging is not an uncommon thing to do when involved in a blended family - it is important that the parents are the primary decision makers and it can be very difficult to be in a relationship when decisions are made that you disagree with and/or are not in your control. Sometimes “disengaging” is the only way to stay sane and keep harmony in the family/support your partner. 

I’m confused as to why you would do that because a) your children are, in my humble opinion, over involved and attached to a man who lives a fair distance away/with whom you are in a LDR and b) he, your your admission, wants you to spend more time with his children. 

I’m confused as to why you would feel hesitant to spend more time with his children (note, this does not have to involve vacations together or even sleepovers at his home). If that is the case, I would encourage you to re-think your children’s involvement with this man given the fact that you are LD and you have no plan to bring this together and something seems to hold you back from engaging with his children…

Edited December 11, 2022 by BaileyB