Almost four months after break up and I am still miserable

[Sadwatersign]

Hi to anyone who will read,

My gf and I were together for just about two years before she decided to break up with me this September. 
We met on a dating app, things were really good but we moved really fast and lived together two months into our relationship. She was four years younger and told me she never had an actual “gf” before. I tried to discuss the bad things to follow after moving too fast in a relationship but she always said it’s okay and not to worry so much. In my experience things end bad. 
Anyways, she was the most caring person I’ve ever been with. I started to be mean to her when we lived together because I have some unresolved anger issues. I felt like we moved so fast and I couldn’t handle it. I started to treat her bad…we moved out and went back to our family’s house. I broke up with her because she was unhappy with me but she never told me she told someone else who then told me. I just felt like I didn’t want to hurt her. I got back with her four days later because I love her so much and we said we would work on things and she said if I loved her I can work on it while I’m still in the relationship. She would then tell me I didn’t compliment her enough, plan cute dates, or make her feel reassured. I tried, but would come up short. When she left my whole life turned upside down. She asked for no contact for one month but my dumb ass tried for 3 months. I texted, called, emailed and at first she would reply but then nothing. I heard she started dating her co worker and :( I feel worse. 
 

I have had such a hard time healing and forgiving myself for treating the girl I loved in a bad way and ruining what we had. I’m on 2 weeks of no contact now since the last time I saw her. I wish I could really talk to someone without feeling like a burden so here I am. I cry a lot still. I fight the urge to message or call but she blocked me at one point then unblocked but I was so embarrassed I just stopped contacting her all together. I want her back, but more than that I want to heal and fix my issues! I feel guilty and ashamed but also just pitiful. Thanks for anyone reading, I hope you also heal if you’re here I’m assuming you’re broken too. Much love! 

[Sadwatersign]

Guess I need some advice, I wasn’t a horrible gf just not the best

[basil67]

Actually, I think being on the receiving end of this would be pretty horrible.   As much as I hate suggesting therapy, I feel like you've got a bit to unpack in order to work out why you behaved as you did.

[glows]

Where are the anger issues coming from? Are you aware of what you’re angry about? It’s never ok taking out your anger on someone else. 

The relationship is over and she blocked you. That means she doesn’t want to have anything to do with you. It’s best you heed that or risk trouble with the law in any obsessive or stalking behaviours. 

If you’re abusive and obsessive you need real reform through intensive therapy and trained support. You need to want to change. Figure out what triggers those angry episodes or what makes you think you’re entitled to someone when the other person does not want to be with you. When someone tells you it’s over believe it. Do not keep believing or thinking the opposite. That’s what gets you in trouble.

Edited December 11, 2022 by glows

[Sadwatersign]

On 12/10/2022 at 6:16 PM, glows said:

Where are the anger issues coming from? Are you aware of what you’re angry about? It’s never ok taking out your anger on someone else. 

The relationship is over and she blocked you. That means she doesn’t want to have anything to do with you. It’s best you heed that or risk trouble with the law in any obsessive or stalking behaviours. 

If you’re abusive and obsessive you need real reform through intensive therapy and trained support. You need to want to change. Figure out what triggers those angry episodes or what makes you think you’re entitled to someone when the other person does not want to be with you. When someone tells you it’s over believe it. Do not keep believing or thinking the opposite. That’s what gets you in trouble.

I never stalked or was abusive. I just was impatient and sometimes I would get defensive when she would bring up an issue. I know that I need to unpack and resolve the issues that made me who I am. Thanks

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Sadwatersign said:

I never stalked or was abusive. I just was impatient and sometimes I would get defensive when she would bring up an issue. I know that I need to unpack and resolve the issues that made me who I am. Thanks

It's good that you're going to unpack the defensiveness.  But part of the equation should be in understanding that the way a person raises an issue can put even calm people on the defensive.   Make sure that you're not taking blame if she's been raising issues in a grating manner.

Say for instance you don't get around to unstacking the dishwasher.  If your partner says something like "The dishwasher always seems to need emptying when I'm around.  I get so tired of doing it" you'd be likely to think about your own role in this and help out more.  But if they say "You never help with the dishwasher, how about doing something around here for a change" you may understandably get your nose out of joint. 

 

[Beachead]

Hey OP,

We all have flaws, insecurities, problems and many times they can lead us astray. You're human and it's okay.  

What's done is done but the good news is you're not restricted to who you were yesterday.  You will change with time and life experience and you can determine how you will change by the choices you make.  You can choose to improve yourself.  You can do that by figuring out the source of your anger so that you can learn about it and and create the right game plan to deal with it, so that you can heal.  You're already halfway there having realized its presence so that's good.   

If you apply yourself to this goal everyday, you're going to make little improvements each month and in a year or two, those improvements will have added up to a noticeable change.  This is how you can right the wrongs you feel you did. 

Focus on what you can control which is YOU.  

Best of luck to you

- Feather

 

Edited December 12, 2022 by MisterFeather

[ExpatInItaly]

It's great that you want to look inside yourself and address the underlying issues. 

However, I also don't think this relationships had the legs to last. You two moved way too fast and you ignored your own reservations about this. Turns out, you were right - it was too much, too soon. You moved in when you still barely knew each other and found out quickly that you're actually not compatible. You didn't give the relationship healthy space to grow and develop, and to really evaluate whether you were a good match. You discovered that you're not. 

Do the work you need to get at the root of your own issues, but apply those lessons to your next relationship. This one is too broken and damaged to salvage, and she has moved on anyway. You will get there but you first need to recognize that this was likely always going to go off the rails. 

[Wiseman2]

On 12/10/2022 at 3:30 PM, Sadwatersign said:

  I want to heal and fix my issues! I feel guilty and ashamed but also just pitiful. 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately, if you reflect, you'll see that your world did not fall apart when she left, but this situation just brought out unaddressed issues.  For example rushing in with impulsive too much too soon behavior.

Rather than thinking that getting back together will resolve issues, start with going to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Be forthcoming about your distress.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. If this is a same sex relationship, perhaps seek out a therapist who is more attuned to that.

Much of what you're describing sounds like underlying untreated mental health concerns such as guilt, anger, ruminating, etc.

Let her be for now. Focus on your own wellbeing and health. Once you address it, you won't keep cycling through bad situations and decisions.

[Sadwatersign]

19 hours ago, basil67 said:

21 hours ago, Sadwatersign said:

 

It's good that you're going to unpack the defensiveness.  But part of the equation should be in understanding that the way a person raises an issue can put even calm people on the defensive.   Make sure that you're not taking blame if she's been raising issues in a grating manner.

Yes, I understand this. Things can be worded wrong and I would get offended but then she would say that’s not what she meant. I could learn to take a step back before reacting for sure. 

[Sadwatersign]

13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Let her be for now. Focus on your own wellbeing and health. Once you address it, you won't keep cycling through bad situations and decisions.

Thank you, this is very true I had to stop the cycle to not have to go through a loss like this again. I’m working on it little by little. Hopefully soon I can get help with that. I guess I was just bummed because after we broke up she would breadcrumb me a little and tell me she only wanted to be with me and things like that. I know it’s over though 

[Sadwatersign]

15 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This one is too broken and damaged to salvage, and she has moved on anyway.

She used to tell me post breakup she still only wants me and she would tell me she loved me. Like “ we will work on ourselves and be better for eachother” and I fell for it not realizing it’s probably the same thing as “it’s not you it’s me” looking back at it now. She would still kiss me too but then act like it was nothing

[Sadwatersign]

18 hours ago, MisterFeather said:

If you apply yourself to this goal everyday, you're going to make little improvements each month and in a year or two, those improvements will have added up to a noticeable change.  This is how you can right the wrongs you feel you did. 

Focus on what you can control which is YOU.  

Best of luck to you

This one made me a little teary eyed, thank you I’ll have to remain positive because I am very much a pessimist.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Sadwatersign said:

She used to tell me post breakup she still only wants me and she would tell me she loved me. Like “ we will work on ourselves and be better for eachother” and I fell for it not realizing it’s probably the same thing as “it’s not you it’s me” looking back at it now. She would still kiss me too but then act like it was nothing

You can’t take sweet nothings seriously when someone has already dumped you, OP. 

She sounds rather immature and inexperienced, so she probably thought this would make the break-up easier on you. This isn’t someone who uses great judgment either, and she sounds impulsive as well. Take everything after the break-up with a giant boulder of salt.