We broke up 4 months ago but I believe there's still hope

[dollzred2]

I've been going through a lot the past few months and don't have anyone to talk to about it all. I really really need some advice, or stories that will bring me hopes. This is going to be pretty long, but I would really appreciate if you all could be patient and read my story.

My ex and I had been together for almost 3 years, but have liked each other for 4 years before that. Like any couples, we had our ups and downs, but I'll be honest, we had more ups than downs. We were beautiful, happy, and so in love. He was/is one of the most generous, loving, kind and caring person I know. He took care of me throughout this whole relationship, and I took care of him. We really did love one another. We did everything together, and we always said we were meant for one another. I mean, I've always doubted people's love for me throughout my life, but this guy, was the one person I never doubted. His love, my love, OUR love was as real as it gets. Then suddenly, 4 months ago, he broke up with me. I knew he didn't cheat, I knew the love was still there but I was confused. Now I learned that the reason was that he is just going through so much right now that he needs time to take care of himself, and figure out his mental health on his own. He always struggled opening up to anyone, that's because he was raised that way. I was still heartbroken obviously, and still am. We decided to stay friends though, he wants me in his life and I him. It's been very hard. We've been hanging out every couple weekends, and we always have lots of fun. He hasn't been talking to anyone, nor has he been wanting to. I know in my heart that we will get back together but the wait is so hard. All the signs are there,

we message everyday even if its just a good morning or goodnight, if I don't message him for a day, he'll message me instead. He always insists on buying me food or paying for things, for example, there's this video game that he loves that he started playing again and he told me I should try it out because he thinks it's something I would like, and I played with him for hours and hours and he decided to buy me a special pass for the game. He always worry about me, takes care of me. I recently got a concussion, and for the past few days, he let me stay at his place, sleeping in the same bed and he would give me head rubs, and would take good care of me. There's a lot of things, I won't list them all because it would be too long but, the past few weeks I've seen the way he looks at me, he always look in my eyes and will stare at me with the most loving and caring eyes. He always smiles at me, always makes sure I have everything I need. He also gets jealous though he tries to not show it. Some days I get mixed signals, for example, he deleted our nicknames on messenger and snapchat, but he also kept all our photos and all the gifts I made him, on his wall. he also hasn't given me my stuff back. So I'm just so confused, and the past week I've had a conversation with him. I told him how I felt, and that I was willing to wait and be patient with him because he is so worth it. And then I asked him, if he wants me to move on, he has to tell me. He has to be clear, he told me he will let me know one day if he does but that right now he doesn't. I asked him if it will be worth it for me to be patient, he answered with yes, but that I have to do what I want to do. I also asked him if he sees us getting back together in the future, and he said at this moment, it's hard for him to answer. He isn't looking for anything right now because of his work which is taking a big toll on him but also because he is going through a lot mentally. I then asked him one last question, I asked him if it would help if we went no contact and if it's something he'd like, and he instantly said no. He doesn't want to lose me obviously and I know he suffers a lot right now. And I swear... the way he was looking at me the past few days.... he had the most loving stare. He really takes care of me and I see him talking to other people and the way he treats me is completely different than the way he treats others. He also introduced me to his friends from works, and whenever he knows that I feel a little insecure or jealous, he makes sure that I know there's nothing to worry about, and he puts me first before anyone else. Oh and before I forget, yesterday night when I was sleeping at his house, I told him that I'm not giving up because he is worth it, ( he really needs to hear this because he is very self conscious and lacks confidence ), and I could hear in his voice how much it meant to him. He's really bad at expressing himself but I know him and I know he needed to hear that, and he also didn't tell me to give up, which I want to make clear, he is not the kind of guy to let me suffer and wait for no reason, if there's no hope for us, he would tell me so to make sure I can move on and get better. 

What are your opinion on this? I think we will be back together soon and that this is temporary, but I need advice, or opinions. Also, has anyone here gone through something like this, do you have any successful stories? What can I do to make him feel like he is enough... I won't give up on him, that's one thing I'm sure of.

Edited December 10, 2022 by dollzred2

[basil67]

I fear that this is going to drag on too long and you've got a whole world of hurt and confusion coming your way.   I'm not seeing any signs that you're getting back together anytime soon (if at all), as all he's giving you is "I don't know" answers.    If he loves you and appreciates you so much, why the need to break up with you?   He could travel this journey with you at his side as a girlfriend if he wanted to.

There is nothing you can do to make him feel like he's enough.  What steps is he taking to help himself?  Because if he's doing nothing, you're going to be waiting in the wings for a very long time. 

 

[dollzred2]

There's a lot more going on than this and he has been working on himself. We've gotten closer and closer, and he does want to get back together but right now it's really hard. But he's always helping me and I'm helping him. He treats me with affection and love which he doesn't with other people. Honestly the reason I think we'll get back together is the progress we've made but also a whole lot of other things that's convinced me. And sorry perhaps I should've written all of this better, he didn't actually say I don't know, but one thing he did say is he is not moving on and that he doesn't want me to move on, ( but he wants what's best for me so if waiting for him is too much, he just wants me to be happy ).

There's a whole lot of things I should've added in this post that I haven't... I apologize! Thank you for your comment!

 

[NuevoYorko]

You mention his mental health and all of his suffering.  What's going on, and why was it necessary for him to deal with it on his own rather than with his partner?  There are reasons why he felt this way and it would help if you'd tell us what they are.   He didn't just go from fairytale bliss to suddenly walking away.  

Aren't you angry at all? 

[dollzred2]

Honestly... Not angry at all. Because I know him more than anything and we both suffer from similar mental health issues. If it can help, here's a bit of what's going on though not everything... 

He works night, 11 hours, 5 days a week, he had a lot of trouble with his car and was struggling a lot with his job. He suffers with depression, anxiety as well as a lot of insecurities. His job made it very hard for him to have a life, he doesn't even have the time to take care of himself, so a partner at this moment is hard but I believe he's starting to see that he can make it work even with a partner. We were also stuck together in one small bedroom, and though we didn't fight much, it was a lot. A lot of things happened in his life when we broke up, his car broke for good, his job pressured him and mistreated him, I've also recently learned that he's been struggling with insecurities, which he's always had but he started feeling insecure with his body because he gained weight due to the stress. 

It's honestly a lot of things... And I truly believe he needs time on his own to figure things out for himself 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, dollzred2 said:

He works night, 11 hours, 5 days a week, he had a lot of trouble with his car and was struggling a lot with his job. He suffers with depression, anxiety as well as a lot of insecurities. His job made it very hard for him to have a life, he doesn't even have the time to take care of himself, so a partner at this moment is hard but I believe he's starting to see that he can make it work even with a partner.

A bad job, dead cars, seeking help for mental health conditions, getting fit: This is life.  And these are the kind of issues which people can work on without having to end their relationship.  But hey, if you're cool with the way things are, that's fine.

I ask again, what proactive steps is he taking to overcome these challenges?   Looking for a new job....seeing a doctor and/or therapist for his mental health....finding a new car

[stillafool]

I agree that the things he's going through are just life and couples who are in love weather those storms together.  Since you're so certain he will want you back what difference does it matter what we think?

[ShyViolet]

Well you sound determined to keep him in your life no matter what we say.  I'm not sure what your question is.

You should just think about the way he is treating you.  He broke up with you, and now he is keeping you around and almost acting like you are still together, yet refusing to say that he'll get back together with you officially, just constantly saying he doesn't know.  He's using his "mental health issues" as an excuse to avoid being with you officially, but he is hanging out with you anyway, when it suits him.  Is that the way someone treats someone they love?  If you are fine with this and want to accept it, then good luck.

[dollzred2]

I understand each points you guys are making, I guess I see it differently because I lived in the relationship so I know how it was and also, the reason I'm not giving up on him is because I went through the exact same thing and he didn't give up on me either. I don't know what I'm asking, I guess I needed to talk about it. Thank you all for listening and being straight forward!

[basil67]

1 hour ago, dollzred2 said:

the reason I'm not giving up on him is because I went through the exact same thing and he didn't give up on me either.

Of course, supporting our partners through this kind of stuff is what a loving partner does within a relationship.  But he broke up with you, left you heart broken, and is leaving you in limbo.  

Unless he's taking proactive steps for recovery, it's likely everything will remain just as it is.  

 

[ExpatInItaly]

You are more likely to get completely heartbroken again than anything else, OP. 

He didn't need to break up with you to weather these storms together. But having seen this sort of thing play out countless times in my life (with friends and family, and once with myself a long time ago), the end is not usually a happy reconciliation. 

I'm sorry. I know you are determined to stay and make a lot of excuses for him, but life has shown me that this doesn't typically result in Happily Ever After. Please look out for yourself more and resist the temptation to seek confirmation bias. 

[Beachead]

@dollzred2

Hello OP,

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What are your opinion on this? I think we will be back together soon and that this is temporary, but I need advice, or opinions. Also, has anyone here gone through something like this, do you have any successful stories? What can I do to make him feel like he is enough... I won't give up on him, that's one thing I'm sure of.

I've been with women who've done this to me OP.   I waited and I hoped for the better outcome. Instead, they moved on.  It was heartbreaking, damaging and cost me my 20's.  But you know what the worst part is?  I had no one to blame but myself.  You don't get that time back.   I don't advise you to do the same.

The two of you have broken up and haven't established healthy boundaries.  The only reason you feel good about things right now is because he's spoon feeding you through the breakup.  Eventually that's not going to be enough and you're going to need an answer.

I don't believe he has your best interests at heart.  If he did, he'd let you go so that you could begin to heal from this and proceed to live your life and maybe be with someone who wanted to be with you.  Or he just wouldn't break up with you in the first place and work on things together. 

He doesn't know what he wants but doesn't want you to move on yet so to maintain control to his advantage he breaks it off and keeps you.    It's self-serving.  Works for him, terrible for you.  Keeps you and your life in emotional limbo and that isn't fair to you.  If you feel confused by him removing the nicknames, imagine how you'll feel the more he takes away from the relationship.  Any confusion or anger or pain you feel from the distancing, will be your fault because you failed to acknowledge your breakup. 

Moreover, if you give him your all while he gets to be single and justified to do what he wants, what incentive is there for him to get back together with you, when he can have it all without having to be with you?  You are devaluing yourself.  It doesn't matter what he's going through, a breakup is a breakup and you have respect that.  He should not get to have you in this capacity.  You are devaluing yourself.  

Reading your post, it's clear to me you're still in a place where you're looking for hope right now.  You will need to endure things your way for awhile longer to see how it plays.  I hope it works out for you.

- Feather

Edited December 11, 2022 by MisterFeather

[glows]

What stood out to me is you were asking a series of questions about whether you’re getting back together or whether to not have any contact and expecting a person who is suffering and barely able to get through challenges in his life to give you a straight answer. Do you not see the irony? 

There is a lot of helping each other which doesn’t make sense. He has to help himself and and sadly there isn’t much to suggest that anything is changing about him or his life. I would not be surprised if he does this again to you should there be bumps or issues.

I’d also consider if he finds you draining as he seems to feel good about helping you but it’s also something he is conflicted by. You could be an extremely needy person and he’s trying to enforce boundaries around you or provide himself some mental exit from the kind of unhealthy dynamic you both have together.

Please make sure you’re getting the medical assistance and support you need after your concussion from your doctor and health professionals. Diversify your support system also and lean on friends. Look at therapy on a sliding scale if you find yourself needing extra support. 

 

[NuevoYorko]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You are more likely to get completely heartbroken again than anything else, OP. 

He didn't need to break up with you to weather these storms together.

I've been through and seen a lot.  I can think of zero instances when a person ended a relationship to "work on themselves" that the relationship ever recovered.   The reason:  The person was unhappy in the relationship and that was contributing to their problems.  They needed out.   

This is a dynamic in play often when people keep breaking up but "not really" breaking up, which seems to be the situation here.   You are functioning like a couple but your ex is verbally clear with you that you're not a couple.  

So I have to agree that you're headed for more heartbreak.  Also you are not really hearing your ex.  You've written that you believe he needs time to figure things out on his own.  Why are you not stepping back, then?