do I tell my husband a guy kissed me at work or just try to move on?

[understand50]

Deb2847,

1) First, good for you knowing  you have came too and crossed the first line, and that you are taking steps to not go any further.  How much pain would have been stopped if others did as you are doing.  Yes, you crossed a line, but I would submit that you are doing just what a loving loyal spouse should do.  In my opinion, I would share with your husband as that would help you go forward with anything that needs to be done, but it would depend on how he would respond.   My main question  to my wife was, " how did it go from meeting to sex?"  You will not have to answir this question, so pat yourself on the back and do not beat yourself up.  Just take steps to end it now, before it becomes a major problem. 

2) Now that you know you can go up to the "first" step, be on guard for the next time.  In a marriage, you will fall in and out of love.  It is just the human condition.  The trick is, when you just are not feeling it, is to remind yourself why you fell in love, and remember that while you may not feel in love right now, your relationship is more then that, and love and passion will come back.  Work on it.  GO on date nights, make love, talk and communicate with your husband.  The feelings will return, and probably just as strongly.  Marriage is a long term thing, and one must work on it. 

I wish you luck

[glows]

Whether you tell your husband or not is your prerogative but it may change the course of your marriage forever and the trust is never recovered. That’s a risk you need to be willing to take if you wish to tell your husband. 

Frankly telling him seems like dumping your poor decisions on someone else and then asking for solutions in the marriage you were willing to lose in the midst of this emotional and physical affair in the first place. Nothing about this was done in the best interests of your marriage or husband. 

The other man was emotionally close with you and seems very invested. What’s also not stopping him from telling your husband or family if he feels jilted and upset? Some may argue it’s best heard coming from you. 

You will be a very lucky individual should you get out of this with no one knowing and keeping it to yourself. I think the damage is already done as you’ll carry this with you and it’s you who has to live with what happened yet be functional in a marriage that’s already broken.

[Alpacalia]

Telling your partner is not protective of your relationship, it is protective of yourself from doing the work of atonement, so you might disregard likeminded proponents who claim it is an act of selfishness intended to offload some guilt when, half the blame for the marriage degenerating is theirs (except for their unilateral behavior). Because that's how it works.

"But I also don't think it could happen again if I don't keep working with him."

That's right, you don't.

Making a change in jobs or departments without delay, those things that aren't rocket science, would be by definition of putting rueful money where it belongs - enough to reassure. Wouldn't you?

Go to counselling, work on your self esteem issues, fix your need to get special attention from another man, and then you might have the skills to make sure it doesn't happen again.

It's not the crime that counts, it's the time. A true mistake is owned and rectified. And if you're not confessing - to the victim - you're dodging doing time.

Your choice, as ever.

Edited December 11, 2022 by Alpacalia

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Deb2847 said:

You would classify this as an affair?

Yes. 

You were having an emotional affair, and then you physically cheated as well. 

[Weezy1973]

38 minutes ago, Deb2847 said:

I think our marriage is great and it is probably just me

i also don’t think there is a possibility of this happening again if I go to a new job

Yes agreed. You can have a really healthy marriage and still have an affair. Attraction can happen to others even when you’re happy in your relationship. It’s not the attraction that’s worrisome- that’s natural. It’s the escalating flirting into more, rather than cutting off flirting when it happens that’s the problem. As another poster mentioned, this could be an age thing. You’re young and still learning about these things.

[BaileyB]

While normally I would say that the spouse has a right to know, I would be tempted to learn the lesson here and never tell him.

That said - YOU need to DO THE WORK to be sure that you are honouring and protecting your husband/your marriage such that this NEVER happens again. If you are not willing to get yourself into counselling, not willing to end all contact with this other man, not prepared to completely devote yourself to your husband and your family… absolutely, I think you should tell him. He has a right to know that his marriage is under threat and that threat is YOU. 

Edited December 11, 2022 by BaileyB

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Deb2847 said:

I think our marriage is great....

Interesting you say your "marriage" is great but what about you "husband"?  

Is HE great, are you attracted to him?  How often are you physically/sexually intimate with each other? 

This is NOT about a kiss.  A mistake you need to be forgiven for.

The issue IS you have developed an emotional and physical attraction to a man other than your husband. 

You are cheating on your husband and it's a conscious decision. And it didn't 'just happen,' you chose it to happen. 

At 24, jmo but you married too young.  Personally, I think everyone should wait until 30 for marriage; until then one simply doesn't have the necessary life experience or emotional maturity to sustain a life- long commitment such as marriage requires. 

IF you want your marriage to survive and succeed, No. 1 you need to cut off work guy, immediately.  Out of respect for your usband and marriage.  That's a no brainer.

No. 2, seek marriage counseling.  Something is terribly off for this to have happened. 

In your case, tell your husband, talk with him, openly and honestly. 

Nothing will be resolved if you keep secrets and hide things. 

Get it out in open, communicate, discuss, hopefully resolve.

Move forward stronger and more committed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 11, 2022 by poppyfields

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

At 24, jmo but you married too young.

I tend to agree with this. 

You're 24 now and have been married a couple years, correct, OP? So, you married around 22. Had you had much experience with other boyfriends prior to meeting your husband? 

[Deb2847]

I had a bf 15-18, casually dated some until I met my husband.

my husband is a great guy, we have sex all of the time.

i for sure have an emotional attachment to this guy, I highly doubt he would tell anyone what is going on. I’m going to have a conversation with him then go from there on telling my husband.

[glows]

Let us know how it goes. I’m sorry you’re in this position. 

[Will am I]

The most important and first step is this: understand your own motivations for allowing this to happen. Only when you understand what’s making you open up to the other man’s attention, you know the best strategy for yourself and your marriage.

You have a lot going on in your life. You got married young, you’re still young and now building a family with children. You have work, with a career that’s also typically in its explorative  phase at your age. And you’re a new mom, only 6 months post partum.

There can be a myriad of reasons. This can be anything between serious doubts about the viability of your marriage and more mundane factors such as anxiety over the pressure you face as a new parent or even post partum hormonal and emotional imbalance.

 

[Alpacalia]

Married young or not, no one forced you to marry.

Being young, a midlife crisis or any other varying reason does not excuse it or wash it away.

Good people make bad mistakes. Even the best of us can sometimes have lapses in judgment and do something extremely regrettable.

That said, infidelity IS a big deal. Cheating on your husband is not okay, and it should not happen again.

[Will am I]

Reasons aren’t excuses. But reasons do matter.

I feel that infidelity is often the outward expression of things gone off track before. Sometimes even years before.

Depending on what it is that went off track, a different strategy for the marriage could be appropriate. Maybe the marriage is fine but the pressure of being a new mom takes its toll. In which case, work with your spouse to make him understand what you are going through and what you need from him.

Maybe the marriage isn’t all that good and the sense of being bound together by the baby is inducing crushing anxiety. Very different conversation to have with your spouse.

 

I do recommend confession of the infidelity, but not before you at least have a general sense as to the “why”. Because that question is bound to be asked and you need to have an answer.

[AngryGromit]

6 hours ago, Deb2847 said:

You would classify this as an affair?

I’m going to start looking for another job.

Definitely wasn’t assault. I’m sure I encouraged it. Going to take some time and decide if I should tell my husband, still not sure.

I don't think it's necessary to change jobs, Just tell him that you things have gone too far and you don't want continue to pursue a relationship with him. You want to keep things professional. If he continues, then it's sexual harassment.  And I think  important to stop texting him so much, think is just asking for trouble if you husband see your phone one day and says who is this guy you been texting to so much.  I wouldn't tell your husband, so long as you you stop the flirting, no harm done. Nothing good can come telling your husband, he's going to wonder if you really are having an affair. 

Edited December 11, 2022 by AngryGromit

[mark clemson]

There are those in the world who shouldn't flirt, because it can get out of hand exactly like this.

You must make your own decisions. While there are pros and cons to telling, in your shoes I believe I wouldn't tell your husband because of the risk of blowing up your marriage over a kiss. I'd also be deleting all those texts.

If that's the route you choose to go, then be smarter next time about drawing a clear line, or simply don't flirt in the first place.

[Deb2847]

Yeah I don’t know what I would tell my husband about why I would switch jobs but it seems like a good idea to get rid of temptation.

yes there is no excuse for cheating absolutely. Thinking about going to therapy as I have some soul searching to do. Thanks everyone.

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, Deb2847 said:

Thinking about going to therapy as I have some soul searching to do.

If your marriage and your family are your priorities, it would be a wise decision to learn more about yourself and what lead you into this predicament - self awareness is never wasted and it could very positively affect the future of your marriage. You have absolutely nothing to lose for trying it - 

[glows]

21 minutes ago, Deb2847 said:

Yeah I don’t know what I would tell my husband about why I would switch jobs but it seems like a good idea to get rid of temptation.

yes there is no excuse for cheating absolutely. Thinking about going to therapy as I have some soul searching to do. Thanks everyone.

The first step is seeing that there is a problem which you’ve come to the forum about. I agree therapy may help. I don’t agree about quitting your job. It’s only running away from the issues.

Have better boundaries at work and move forwards. For your marriage to succeed consider better boundaries with your coworkers. 

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Will am I said:

Reasons aren’t excuses. But reasons do matter.

Of course.

Reasons are valid, important needs.

As useful as that insight may seem, there is one challenge to it, however, in that it can be easy for those reasons to be used as excuses for infidelity. And cheating excuses will never help you heal if and when infidelity occurs.

I understand not wanting to ruin your marriage over this. You'll have to be comfortable with the knowledge that, from that point on, what the foundation of your marriage will be based on.

If you can embrace your marriage with reasons to protect it, you won’t have to provide reasons for betraying it. Even if you do choose to stay at your place of employment with this co-worker.

Do you want to stay married to your husband?

Edited December 12, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Deb2847]

I absolutely want to stay married to him and never want to be in this situation again. I feel horrible

Edited December 12, 2022 by Deb2847

[Beachead]

@Deb2847

If he did this to you, would you want him to tell you the truth or would you want him to spare you from it?  Would you be okay never knowing?

Be honest with yourself. That'll likely be your answer.  Changing companies is a good idea.

Going forward, it'll be good for you to remember your choices no longer affect just you. They affect your husband and your child. If this causes a divorce, it's really your kid that'll pay the biggest price, having to bounce between mom and dad for the rest of his life.  Maybe learning to build better boundaries so that you don't end up falling into these scenarios is worth the effort if it can prevent that.  Also men who have no problem trampling over the the line and destroying what you have, really don't care about you.  They care about them and their own immediate needs.  

- Feather

Edited December 12, 2022 by MisterFeather

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Deb2847 said:

. Thinking about going to therapy as I have some soul searching to do. .

Changing jobs won't fix what's really wrong. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Agree: changing jobs changes nothing. You can run into flirty and charismatic types everywhere. Don't assume Mr. Flirty will hate you if you step up and tell him you need to slow down your talking to him. That happens every day in the workplace. 

You need to practice setting boundaries and  practice being aware of when you are attracted to someone and/or when you are flirting with someone. 

[Alpacalia]

Be realistic.

You've engaged in this behavior for the last few months. Neither have you, and I do not anticipate you telling your husband either. Are you planning to wake up tomorrow and decide to end your months-long flirting, texting, (now kissing) with this person?

Skeptically, I say no.

Especially considering how blasé your responses have been.

[glows]

Deb,

I’m curious as well if you feel your husband and you have drifted apart in your lives. Your sex life is active and intimacy is there but is there any disconnect in the way you‘re parenting or seeing yourselves as a family or as a couple? 

This really isn’t about the coworker. It’s about your marriage. You seem emotionally torn and like the attention from your coworker while the marriage appears to have a pulse but otherwise seems lifeless.