do I tell my husband a guy kissed me at work or just try to move on?

[Weezy1973]

 

I’d suggest this isn’t about your coworker nor is it about your marriage. It’s about you not having boundaries that protect your marriage.

[ ] morally you need to tell your husband for two reasons. First, keeping a massive secret in your marriage creates a really weak foundation. It’s begging for future trouble. Second, your husband the right to choose whether or not he wants to stay with someone that cheated on him. He may choose to stay or choose to go. Both are valid choices, be he deserves to right to make that choice.

Edited December 12, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote/argumentative

[Wiseman2]

On 12/10/2022 at 7:15 PM, Deb2847 said:

We have been married for a couple of years now and he is wonderful. We have a 6 month old daughter. 

The best place to start is discussing postpartum issues when you see your physician. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. You may have trouble adjusting to a newborn as well as issues with self imagine, work and childcare burnout and so on. This situation seems like an escape because you're away from home and childcare issues. 

Marriage therapy could help both you and your husband adjust to the changes a newborn brings.

[glows]

I’d think this has everything to do with your marriage and juggling homelife, a new baby and your career. This isn’t just about you and your coworker any longer or your exclusively between your husband and you. 

Your duties are also to your child and ensuring he or she is raised in an environment that is healthy and stable. It may be much more difficult examining your marriage and home life than it is doting on the fantasy of an attractive coworker who gives you plenty of attention. You both have a lot more at stake than just your relationship. 

Edited December 12, 2022 by glows

[Deb2847]

13 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Be realistic.

You've engaged in this behavior for the last few months. Neither have you, and I do not anticipate you telling your husband either. Are you planning to wake up tomorrow and decide to end your months-long flirting, texting, (now kissing) with this person?

Skeptically, I say no.

Especially considering how blasé your responses have been.

I haven’t meant to sound blasé. How?

[Deb2847]

I’m going to talk to this guy tomorrow and I’m trying to decide what exactly to tell my husband if anything. I do realize I have been being selfish and my kid is the most important and I’m just hurting people I love for this stupid reason. I really didn’t think it would get physical. I agree. I don’t think any of this is about my husband or marriage really but I could be wrong. I think I just messed up.

[poppyfields]

22 hours ago, Deb2847 said:

Yeah I don’t know what I would tell my husband about why I would switch jobs but it seems like a good idea to get rid of temptation.

I disagree with that course of action @Deb2847.   You would only be running away from the problem.

And when people run away from from problems, instead of doing the work necessary to understand the problem (in this case your intense attraction to another man), the likelihood of the same problem occurring again, either at your new job or somewhere else still exists.

This issue involves way more than just a kiss.  It's what the kiss "represents" which is you have developed an intense attraction to a man other than your husband.

If you want to move forward with your husband and have a happy and harmonious life together, this needs to be brought to the surface, discussed and resolved.

Yes he will be upset, you should expect that.  But if he's a mature adult who is capable of resolving conflicts in a healthy way, it can be done.

On the other hand, if he's the unevolved type who instead of discussing and resolving in a healthy way, goes into a jealous rage and threatens divorce or punishes you, you are better off without him anyway imo.

 

 

Edited December 12, 2022 by poppyfields

[Will am I]

Just don’t skip the introspection. I believe that infidelity is always a signal of something deeper. Whatever lies underneath, it shouldn’t be ignored.

Especially because in the early months post partum there can be problems in the medical and mental health spectrum that could lead  to you reacting differently to your spouse, your situation, life in general, and other men (or women for that matter).

[poppyfields]

@Deb2847, a quick comment about commitment, which applies here and may help.

There will always be temptations, unless one is living under a rock in their marriage, there is no way to avoid that.

However, commitment means that no matter how great the temptation, you CHOOSE to remain faithful and true to your marital vows.

It's a choice.  You choose to love, you choose the commitment over temptation. 

M. Scott Peck wrote about this in his book "A Road Less Traveled," that love is not a feeling per se, but rather a choice - we choose to love. 

And once we choose to commit (marriage), we choose to remain true to that commitment NO MATTER WHAT.  It's about choice, as well as having integrity and respect for your spouse, your marital vows AND the commitment you made to each other.

[ ] 

 

 

Edited December 13, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Deb2847 said:

I’m going to talk to this guy tomorrow and I’m trying to decide what exactly to tell my husband if anything. I do realize I have been being selfish and my kid is the most important and I’m just hurting people I love for this stupid reason. I really didn’t think it would get physical. I agree. I don’t think any of this is about my husband or marriage really but I could be wrong. I think I just messed up.

If and when you do tell your husband, which you absolutely should, I am sure he is going to be uneasy with the idea of you being around this co-worker if your husband chooses to remain in the marriage.

How might you feel about that if that turns out to be the case?

Edited December 12, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Deb2847 said:

I haven’t meant to sound blasé. How?

Several of your responses were blase' in my opinion, because there was a general sense of apathy about everything going on in this matter. I'm aware it's hard to discern tone in text but that's just the impression I was getting from your responses.

[Deb2847]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

If and when you do tell your husband, which you absolutely should, I am sure he is going to be uneasy with the idea of you being around this co-worker if your husband chooses to remain in the marriage.

How might you feel about that if that turns out to be the case?

If or when I him I would do whatever he wanted to make him feel better. I definitely care about marriage and don’t want to ruin it. Don’t mean to sound blase.

[Deb2847]

Thanks everyone

[JTSW]

Usually I would say be honest with your husband, but I can also see how bad this has all made you feel.

Tell your co-worker that from now on everything will be professional and nothing like that will ever happen again. 

Keep a distance (change departments maybe?) keep busy.

I don't see why your husband needs to know anything if nothing like that will ever happen again.

[MickeyBill]

Was the kiss a surprise to you? Was it one sided or did you reciprocate, where were the hands?

Just minor details but if you tell your husband be prepared for his questions. He will ask if you kissed the guy, were you hugging him etc.

[Deb2847]

10 minutes ago, MickeyBill said:

Was the kiss a surprise to you? Was it one sided or did you reciprocate, where were the hands?

Just minor details but if you tell your husband be prepared for his questions. He will ask if you kissed the guy, were you hugging him etc.

We pretty much made out for 1-2 minutes. Didn’t know he was going to do it no. Hands were mostly my waist, face, head. That made me cringe to type.

[MickeyBill]

I do not know what to tell you, admitting the texting and the crush and the flirting can be forgiven by many spouses but once the making out starts  (set a timer for 2 minutes to see how long that really is) your husband will imagine more happened and be devastated. You will get a lot of advice about taking this to the grave or letting him know.

IF you tell him , don't sugar coat or minimize. 100% honesty at the beginning will hurt but hurt less than trickle truth, like telling about the BJ in the car park a month from now.  Listen to the group here. My XW was along gone by the time we had "the talk" but I am sure there is hope for you and your husband.Quitting the job would be a good first step. If you keep working with the AP things may start up again , TBH there could be a flirty guy at the new job, it is about you and your boundaries. You need to do some soul searching and maybe some IC to find out why you chose to have the affair.

Good luck. I think you can make things work

 

 

[Deb2847]

2 hours ago, MickeyBill said:

I do not know what to tell you, admitting the texting and the crush and the flirting can be forgiven by many spouses but once the making out starts  (set a timer for 2 minutes to see how long that really is) your husband will imagine more happened and be devastated. You will get a lot of advice about taking this to the grave or letting him know.

IF you tell him , don't sugar coat or minimize. 100% honesty at the beginning will hurt but hurt less than trickle truth, like telling about the BJ in the car park a month from now.  Listen to the group here. My XW was along gone by the time we had "the talk" but I am sure there is hope for you and your husband.Quitting the job would be a good first step. If you keep working with the AP things may start up again , TBH there could be a flirty guy at the new job, it is about you and your boundaries. You need to do some soul searching and maybe some IC to find out why you chose to have the affair.

Good luck. I think you can make things work

 

 

Thank you so much

[Will am I]

9 hours ago, Deb2847 said:

We pretty much made out for 1-2 minutes. Didn’t know he was going to do it no. Hands were mostly my waist, face, head. That made me cringe to type.

You seem to have good intentions towards you marriage. But somehow your emotions got the worse of you.

I don't think the kissing in itself would be enough to break a marriage over, at least it wouldn't be for me. It was a one time slip and it seems it didn't proceed beyond kissing and making out.

I believe that what's underneath the slip matters more than the slip itself. You can't fix the past but you can fix the future. But only if you understand what made you open up to this coworker's romantic attention. And that could be so many things from marital problems to low self esteem to a lack of boundaries growing up to post partum things like insecurty and emotional unbalance. If you are oblivious to why this progressed, first gradually and then suddenly, then you could be at risk again. Despite your god intentions.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Deb2847 said:

We pretty much made out for 1-2 minutes. Didn’t know he was going to do it no. Hands were mostly my waist, face, head. That made me cringe to type.

In that case, if you decide to tell your husband, you can’t really frame it that this guy just kissed you. It wasn’t unwelcome and you absolutely reciprocated.

So, it’s not “he kissed me.” It’s “we kissed.”

[Bryanp]

Let me ask you this Deb:

If the roles were reversed,

wouldn't you expect your husband to be honest with you

and tell you? Either your marriage is based on honesty and respect or lies and disrespect.

By not telling your husband about your make-out session you have answered this question.

[princessaurora]

I believe sometimes ignorance is bliss. If you know this was a one time slip up and you know in your heart you'll never do it again, I would just keep mum about it

If you tell him, you don't know how he's going to react.  He may never trust you again, not believe it didnt go further, start watching you like a hawk because he's worried you're with him or some other guy. He may also want revenge and that' s going to make this whole thing spiral down the rabbit hole. 

The best thing you can do is cut off all contact with this guy other than what's required at your job. Do not allow yourself to be alone with him. Do not go out with him for coffee/ lunch. Tell him it was a mistake you're not willing to destroy your marriage over and be done with it. 

 

 

 

[MickeyBill]

Hey Deb, I hope that you figured out how to handle this sticky situation.

Good luck to you and your husband.

 

[GoldenR]

My advice? 

I would say tell your husband bc I believe everyone should have agency in their relationship, ESPECIALLY when it comes to deciding if they want to stay with someone that will cheat on them. 

But I think everyone here can tell that you won't confess. Instead you'll just keep playing your H for a fool, with him living his life all happy thinking he has a great and loyal wife when in reality he is married to someone that doesn't think twice about cheating on him. 

So my advice?  Divorce him. You shouldn't be married.  Then once you're single, you can do whatever you want with whoever you want and the only people you'll be hurting then is the wife and family of the guy you're messing around with.   But I'm sure you can rationalize that as being on the guy and not your responsibility.  

[Dude67]

It’s not the guy, and it’s not the job.  It’s you.  You don’t have strong boundaries. You could go to 50 more jobs and do the exact same thing because the problem rests with you.

Read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It will help you understand what strong boundaries are snd how to establish them. 

[Starswillshine]

Ugh- guys, marriages are never filled with passion, excitement, etc 100% of the time. There will be days when a marriage is a little "off". When someone cheats, it should not be  "what is missing in your marriage " it should be, "what is missing inside of you that you allowed yourself to be in this place?" 

Because there will always be times when the other spouse is stressed, over worked, not his/her best self. Part of marriage is being committed to being there through it all....being loyal. If someone cannot honor that, it is something within themselves. 

Lack of boundaries and mostly lack of self-control. Those things need to be explored. We cannot have the expectation that our marriages will 100% fill our self esteem buckets 100% of the time. It is not fair to put that responsibility on the other spouse. 

Edited December 22, 2022 by Starswillshine