Alpacalia Posted December 22, 2022 Share Posted December 22, 2022 2 hours ago, Starswillshine said: We cannot have the expectation that our marriages will 100% fill our self esteem buckets 100% of the time. It is not fair to put that responsibility on the other spouse. In agreement. I find it disheartening to observe the manner in which the subject of kissing another person in secret is regarded. My perspective on this must be flawed in some way. 🙁 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted December 22, 2022 Share Posted December 22, 2022 OP, there are times when it really is the marriage that is the problem, and/or the partner that is driving the other person away. Not every couple is right for each other long term, and people sometimes change for the worse over time. Someone in that situation might start an affair for a variety of reasons, e.g. to make themselves feel happier, try to find romance without the "hassles" of leaving the marriage (which can be significant), etc. However, it's true that doesn't seem to be the case in your case. On 12/10/2022 at 4:15 PM, Deb2847 said: We have been married for a couple of years now and he is wonderful. We have a 6 month old daughter. Maybe try to put "spark" back into your marriage, so you don't take these risks with it? Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted December 22, 2022 Share Posted December 22, 2022 Deb2847, Again, remember you stopped this in the beginning. Much better if you had never gotten to this step, but it is well short of sexual intercourse, or emotional entanglement, that would have been so much worst. Think of your procurement if this had been a One night stand, and what you would be asking us for advise. So, making out is not good, so I do not want to minimize it, but it is better then going where you were headed. Give yourself a little credit for stopping and taking action now. Knowing more of your story, I think you need to be frank with your husband. You need his help and support. Hopefully, he is the kind of man that can see where you are and that you stopped this from going further. Some can't, so make that determination. As for your marriage, it will come and go. Just remember why you got together, and remember when you are in the low end of feeling, why you married, and work to find that feeling again. Long, happy marriages work that way. You both can overcome this, and take it as a warning of what you have to look out for. On his side as well. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted December 23, 2022 Share Posted December 23, 2022 (edited) On 12/14/2022 at 3:09 AM, Will am I said: You seem to have good intentions towards you marriage. But somehow your emotions got the worse of you. I don't think the kissing in itself would be enough to break a marriage over, at least it wouldn't be for me. It was a one time slip and it seems it didn't proceed beyond kissing and making out. I believe that what's underneath the slip matters more than the slip itself. This ^ is similar to my perspective. As Poppy said, temptation is going to happen, and you have to choose to not bite. I do not subscribe to the logic that if something happened then the marriage must be broken. I also do not believe in this theoretical total honesty theory. It's internet forum mythology. Nobody discloses every thought they have. If we did that we wouldn't have any friends or relationships at all. We verbalize positive thoughts and reassurance, and we suppress most of the negative crap. Trust is the belief that a person would not ever betray you. If you confess this episode he will never view you the same way again (he might forgive, or say he has, but he will never forget). Confessing would not fix it –– it would break it. It would fill him with hurt, pain, doubt. It would be like telling him that his world, his purpose, his hopes and dreams, have become unstable, unraveled. The fact is that you have a good marriage and family that you want to protect. You trust him and he trusts you. If you confess the trust will be shattered and it may never be fully regained. I think you need to get into therapy right now and figure out why you were susceptible (need within for validation?), and then work on regaining the loyal woman that deserves his trust. What happened was a human mistake. There is no need to carry shame and punish yourself –– thereby devastating those you love and want to protect. You were tempted, but you stopped it before it went to a fully physical affair. Now stop before you hurt your family. Edited December 23, 2022 by salparadise Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted December 23, 2022 Share Posted December 23, 2022 Interestingly enough (albeit not surprising) you might be advised to bury this information and never let it shine. Some might ask, "Why upset him and lose his trust just to feel less guilt?" While this may prevent his upset, it will also cause a split in your relationship, where you have to keep up a wall. Ultimately, how is that in your best interest — or his? There is no perfect marriage. If you want to have a good relationship with your husband, treat him honestly and act authentically. Certainly, you will have to deal with upset feelings when this happens. And that is also authentic. But at least it is real and you CAN deal with it — or learn the right tools to deal with it. It happens sometimes that people justify or minimize actions in their own way. It's not about sneaking in a few cookies while on a diet. Or a drunk person kissing you suddenly at a party. I am sorry to tell you that you cheated on your husband. I am not sure that anyone can help you if you do not acknowledge that fact. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MickeyBill Posted December 27, 2022 Share Posted December 27, 2022 I think that Deb moved on... I hope things work out for her. Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted December 28, 2022 Share Posted December 28, 2022 Looks like she had her talk with her boy friend and it seems to work out for now. What issues this bring fourth for the future will be the big thing, and it it will, but her being honest will go a long way to mitigate any damage. In the end, being open and honest with those you love or sleep with, is the only way. I do wish her luck. Link to post Share on other sites
HappilyMarried Posted January 1, 2023 Share Posted January 1, 2023 On 12/11/2022 at 11:05 AM, Deb2847 said: You would classify this as an affair? I’m going to start looking for another job. Definitely wasn’t assault. I’m sure I encouraged it. Going to take some time and decide if I should tell my husband, still not sure. I would not classify it as a physical affair but I think based on what you have said as an emotional affair. I would say that the coworker probably based on your flirting and texting that it was okay to kiss you. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 1, 2023 Share Posted January 1, 2023 I think your title should read "Should I tell my husband that I let a guy kiss me at work?". You had control over whether his lips touched yours so you were not some innocent in this. If you tell your husband make sure to also take the blame you shared in the kiss. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 2, 2023 Share Posted January 2, 2023 By flirting, texting and kissing the opposite sex= you are always putting your marriage at risk by disrespecting the person you’re married to! IF you intend to be a good wife and mother - stop purposely ruining your marriage! these are YOUR actions that did this - not the guy you work with. He didn’t force you to flirt and text him. So stop doing that. YOU are responsible for how you participate every single time! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
emotionallybroken9 Posted January 4, 2023 Share Posted January 4, 2023 (edited) You said you wouldn’t sleep with him. you said it’s not assault because you encouraged it. I promise you that before this AFFAIR started, you thought “I would never message a man behind my husband’s back.” Look at how far you’ve gone, and will continue to go. you’re already screwed, you just don’t see it yet Be prepared to answer: 1) why did you first start talking? 2) why did you continue to text? 3) why did you flirt with another man??? 4) why didn’t you tell me about the kiss when it first happened?? (THIS is gonna be the deciding factor) the longer you wait to tel the truth, the stronger the damage will be when the truth eventually comes out. truth coming out could be from you, the OM, or anyone else that knows or seen you and the OM, and ANYONE the OM is talking to and flaunting how he stole a married woman from Her husband. anyways, I wish you the best, you’re gonna need it! Edited January 4, 2023 by emotionallybroken9 Link to post Share on other sites
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