Why do I feel this way when I already have the perfect BF?

[Avayarna]

 

11 minutes ago, glows said:

Of course there is. It’s completely removing Dave as any contact and remaining civil only in mutual circles and letting him know you’re in a committed relationship. Respectfully keep your distance and lay all this to rest instead of reading too much into the crush. . 

Yes, I understand.  For the record, Dave does know I'm in a committed relationship, and both of us know we're playing with fire.  But it's so hard!  We seem to have an intense physical connection with each other that is hard to break.  I go right by his apt every day going home from work and my bf's sister works nights, so it's very easy to just stop by without my bf knowing.  Twice we already agreed end all contact but ended up texting each other again.

20 minutes ago, glows said:

If you’re suggesting you put your bf on the backburner (asking for a “break”) while you date around with other men and then expect your boyfriend to take you back if things crash and burn, you’re very naive. Your bf may forgive you and understand that’s what you need to grow but it’s unlikely someone will trust you again. You could do the same thing to him again in the future. 

Yes, that is exactly what I'm afraid of.  And that's a chance I'm not willing to take. 

And so here I am, still wondering... 

[glows]

When reading your post I’m reminded also of some fleeting and heady flings I’ve had in the past when I was single and understand how intoxicating that feeling is. Sometimes that chemistry can be difficult to move past but that’s where knowing what you want kicks in. 

You are continuing to cheat on your boyfriend even if it is emotional cheating sadly. As an outsider looking in, your boyfriend may be the one to end the relationship eventually - maybe not now but at some point. It’s difficult to believe none of this is getting back to him and there’s only so much a person can take. The irony is the decision may not be up to you. 

It’s extremely unkind to continue flirting, chatting and think about leaving yet use your boyfriend for security. I just don’t see how someone can be so blind and am not surprised if he’s already working himself up to end it with you. I’m sorry I don’t have anything much more encouraging than this to say. That’s the reality you’re creating for yourself by believing or assuming that any of this is your secret. I don’t really think it is or will be for long.

Edited December 13, 2022 by glows

[Beachead]

@Avayarna

This isn't just a case of cold feet.  You're young and you started your relationship younger.  You've been monogamous for 5 years and you've grown bored and curious because you've haven't had a chance to explore so you have no other experiences to compare to.  The grass is greener for you.   Based on your writing, you've mentally checked out of your relationship.

Quote

 

I even tried to break up with my bf awhile ago but didn’t have the heart to leave him.  But I didn’t tell him about Dave, instead I made up a bunch of stuff about being too young to marry and not being sure about settling down.  But the truth is that I just wanted to be free to date Dave without worrying about being caught.  Which I really feel bad about because I’ve always been totally honest with him and have always said that honesty is the most important thing in a relationship.  But I didn’t have the heart to tell him there’s someone else even tho I know he’s already getting wind of it.   

Lately I’ve been thinking that the only solution is to just tell my bf that I think we’re going too fast and that I think we should take a break for awhile.  That way I could see Dave without it being cheating.  But of course my bf could do the same and so I’m afraid I’m going to regret it.  I mean, is it worth taking a chance when I already have a guy who I know loves me more than anything and has treat me better than any guy ever has?  Who has a good job, house, etc?  For a guy with no career who has a reputation of being a player? 

And yet my feelings for this guy just won’t go away.  I even promised myself a couple days ago I would stop contacting him only to start texting him again later that day.  Which makes me feel as if I’m not able to stop myself, something that I find really unsettling.

Is this just a case of cold feet or something?  Or is it something else?  I guess I’m just really confused right now and not sure what I really want.  My mind keeps going back and forth between the two of them.

 

You hope to explore and have fun and potentially find someone new to be with, while relegating him to standby, incase things don't work out for you.  If it doesn't work out, you can then go back to him and still be in a relationship for however long that'll last, before you meet someone else.   It's all about controlling the outcome in your favor, by keeping your bf in the dark.  For you, he's safe and comfortable and your security blanket if things go wrong but this has nothing to do with love.

Quote

I love him too much and we have a history together. Plus, he's been such a great bf I would feel guilty. 

It's good that you recognize him as being a great boyfriend but it suggests nothing of how you feel about him. Guilt and history doesn't suggest feelings either.      Do you see a future with your boyfriend?  Do you see growing old together?  Marriage?  Children? 

If you can't answer that after 5 years, you're wasting your own time and you're wasting his. 

I think you know what you want to do.  You're just not ready to accept it yet.  

- Feather

 

Edited December 13, 2022 by MisterFeather

[Avayarna]

23 minutes ago, MisterFeather said:

You hope to explore and have fun and potentially find someone new to be with, while relegating him to standby, incase things don't work out for you.  If it doesn't work out, you can then go back to him and still be in a relationship for however long that'll last, before you meet someone else.   It's all about controlling the outcome in your favor, by keeping your bf in the dark.  For you, he's safe and comfortable and your security blanket if things go wrong but this has nothing to do with love.

hmmm.   So if I want to see Dave it should be a break up, not just a break.

For the record, I would never do anything to hurt my bf.  It's precisely because I don't want to use him for security that I can't decide what to do.  I love my bf very much and I don't want to keep in the dark, I just don't want to hurt him.  And I know I can't have my cake and eat it too.  I just can't decide.

24 minutes ago, MisterFeather said:

It's good that you recognize him as being a great boyfriend but it suggests nothing of how you feel about him. Guilt and history doesn't suggest feelings either.      Do you see a future with your boyfriend?  Do you see growing old together?  Marriage?  Children? 

If you can't answer that after 5 years, you're wasting your own time and you're wasting his. 

I think you know what you want to do.  You're just not ready to accept it yet.  

I could definitely see myself settling down with my bf and growing old together.  After 5 years he is my soulmate.  We know each other's innermost secrets.  

So no, I can't accept that want to throw everything away we've built all these years for some guy who isn't even in my bf's league.  It's just that I find myself incredibly attracted to him.  

And in spite of my best efforts these feelings aren't going away.  I really like him.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Avayarna said:

I would never do anything to hurt my bf

You already are.

2 hours ago, Avayarna said:

And in spite of my best efforts these feelings aren't going away.

Well, no. You're not trying that hard if you're still texting him. 

Look, you can't have your cake and eat it, too. But that's exactly what you've been doing. It's the sign that you are not really mature and experienced enough yet to commit yourself forever. That's normal at your age, but you need to do the right thing and break up. This will end in disaster if you don't, and neither guy will be around to support you. 

[NuevoYorko]

Oh, come on.  You ARE hurting your bf and you ARE cheating.   You just haven't gotten around to having sex yet. 

Feeling attracted to another man is not "wrong."  How you're fooling around on your bf IS wrong.

Seriously.  You are going over to a guys house, talking about your bf to him, conversing with him about how strong your attraction to him is, etc.  Just stop playing games.  You are an adult.  Own your choices.  You have 2 of them.  Stop chasing after this dude - which will be super easy since evidently you never met him before a few weeks back.  Or, break up with the bf so you can be free to explore your lust and any others that come along.  

[JTSW]

On 12/12/2022 at 1:13 AM, Avayarna said:

But I would never cheat on my bf.

You already are. It's emotional cheating.

What you are doing is enough to break his heart. 

It doesn't matter how much you sugar coat it, you are going behind back with another man.

You need to decide what it is you want and if Dave is worth losing a good thing.

I personally wouldn't go there with Dave. I wont end well. 

You should also end your relationship with your BF if you are no longer attracted to him.

It's not fair on him to continue doing this to him.

[JTSW]

8 hours ago, Avayarna said:

 So if I want to see Dave it should be a break up, not just a break.

Exactly.

Do you think your BF will just wait around while you get sex with another guy out of your system?

No, he won't. 

No guy will do that.

Delete Dave's number so you can't text him. 

[JTSW]

8 hours ago, Avayarna said:

And in spite of my best efforts these feelings aren't going away.  I really like him.

And what efforts are these exactly? 

Doesn't sound like you are making any effort at all to steer clear of Dave. 

Like I said, block then delete his number. That will stop the texting and calling on both sides.

Stop going over there. Simple.

[glows]

9 hours ago, Avayarna said:

For the record, I would never do anything to hurt my bf.  It's precisely because I don't want to use him for security that I can't decide what to do.  I love my bf very much and I don't want to keep in the dark, I just don't want to hurt him. 

There are a lot of contradictions here sadly. You’re already hurting 1) your bf and 2) yourself. You don’t seem to acknowledge what you’re doing is wrong or that you’re cheating as it is right now. You’ve already used your boyfriend and are continuing to use him as you also continue to speak and associate with Dave. 

If you’re expecting changes in yourself you’ll have to want to implement them starting with you. That means end all the chatting and block/delete his number. Give him the cold shoulder whenever you’re around him. He doesn’t need to know about your personal life and vice versa - more boundaries here.

Have you never heard of that saying “The true test of a person’s character is what he or she does when no one is watching”? This is especially relevant to your case as you perceive your boyfriend not knowing or being aware (I do think this is very naive as well). Just because you believe your boyfriend doesn’t know doesn’t mean it lessens what you’re doing texting or meeting up or planning to take a “break”. 

You may also see as you are older taking “breaks” in a relationship are strong signs of instability and incompatibility with a partner. Mature individuals aren’t going to buy into it as it rarely solves anything taking temporary breaks. It’s very clear the person initiating the break isn’t taking the relationship seriously and no one wants to feel toyed with and tossed around as and when you prefer or desire. It appears as if your boyfriend respects you and treats you well now but that will likely end soon. You may never have seen him be cold, aloof or uninterested in you but that can change quickly. 

Also, when will your program for school finish? I ask to get some idea of when you’ll be able to start working in your field of choice. A job search and work may also swiftly change the scenario as that takes dedication and time. Life as it is right now won’t continue if you’re intending to use your education and find work soon.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Avayarna said:

  It's just that I find myself incredibly attracted to him. 

 Being attracted to people happens all the time. In fact your BF also sees attractive women every single day. However he's not going to dream up a romance novel in his head and throw you out of his house over it. 

Perhaps the best thing to do is reflect on how solid your relationship is with your BF and that attraction to others is a fact of life, but acting on it is a different story.

[Weezy1973]

9 hours ago, Avayarna said:

After 5 years he is my soulmate.  We know each other's innermost secrets.  

Yeah, apparently not. You’re keeping a big secret from him. 
 

Dump him, date Dave. Then when you realize you’re not compatible with Dave, dump Dave. Neither of these guys are right for you. 

[introverted1]

9 hours ago, Avayarna said:

I would never do anything to hurt my bf.

You already are.

You are engaged in an emotional affair with Dave, which you conveniently do not see as cheating because it hasn't progressed to a physical affair yet. I'm willing to bet, though, that if you were in love with your bf and learned that he was behaving with some woman as you are with Dave, you'd feel hugely betrayed and your trust would be shattered.

What you are doing is massively unfair to your bf.  Whatever you decide with Dave, please break up with your bf and let him find a woman who loves him passionately; it's clear you do not.

 

ETA: If you have any honor, you will pay back your bf's family for what they have paid toward your college costs. This would be true whether you stayed with your bf or not.

Edited December 13, 2022 by introverted1

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, Avayarna said:

For the record, I would never do anything to hurt my bf.

You already are, he just doesn't know about it yet.  He will find out so it's best to be honest with him before he does.

[stillafool]

26 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

ETA: If you have any honor, you will pay back your bf's family for what they have paid toward your college costs. This would be true whether you stayed with your bf or not.

I agree.  I'm not sure you should have accepted their offerr to pay for your schooling but perhaps gotten loans and a part time job instead.  Now it looks really bad them paying and you cheating on their son.

[stillafool]

12 hours ago, glows said:

It’s extremely unkind to continue flirting, chatting and think about leaving yet use your boyfriend for security. I just don’t see how someone can be so blind and am not surprised if he’s already working himself up to end it with you.

I'll bet the sister has spoken to her mom about it and they probably don't want to get involved at this point and hurt their brother/son until more develops.  Honestly if I were the sister I wouldn't know how to handle this at this point.  Could also be she's at work when OP comes over and doesn't know about it yet.  OP she will catch you and it will be your fault because you are the one visiting him.

Edited December 13, 2022 by stillafool

[NuevoYorko]

I definitely agree about repaying your soon to be ex bf's family back for your education expenses.  I am curious about how and why that came about?   In any case,  you will go forward in your life feeling a lot better knowing that you took care of this messy situation as cleanly as possible, under the sordid circumstances.   

 

[ccas93]

8 hours ago, stillafool said:

I agree.  I'm not sure you should have accepted their offerr to pay for your schooling but perhaps gotten loans and a part time job instead.  Now it looks really bad them paying and you cheating on their son.

and cheating on their son pretty much just because she likes the way Dave looks 🤢 I'm not sure if a situation gets much more shallow and self serving than this

[Stret]

OP,  for yourself and Dave, you said "we both know we are playing with fire". This is incorrect. He is not playing with fire, you are. He can only gain from whatever happens between you two, and has nothing to lose. You have a lot to lose. Work on your relationship, work on making it more exciting again. Relationships evolve and transform, and so does love. But try and find ways to refresh things. Do not tell him about your feelings for Dave because you will hurt him and he will never trust you fully again - feelings will dissipate with time and will become meaningless, but only if you break the contact with Dave. Yes, it is hard and yes, your hormones are controlling your mind, but you can still win if you have a strong character. 

Relationship with Dave would be frustrating and painful, and you would have to balance between moments of great joy to moments of deep depression. Do you think he is the kind that can be faithful? Doesn't look like from your description of him. 

[Avayarna]

Thanks for all the replies.  They have really helped me to think about things differently.  I would like to clarify a few things tho, to avoid any misunderstandings.

First, I know I'm not being a very good gf right now.  And I know this is all my fault, not my bf's.  You guys don't have to keep beating me over the head about that.  I know I'm the one who has a problem.  I'm just not sure what to do and would like some advice.

Second, I understand "emotional cheating" but I'm really not sure how I feel about it.  I mean, you can't control your feelings, right?  I can't help how I feel about Dave.  Or my bf.  All I can do is try to handle this situation to the best of my ability, regardless of what ultimately happens.  I would never willingly cheat on my bf.  I love him and would never betray his trust.  I just have the unfortunate experience of temporarily? being attracted to another guy.  It's not that I wanted to, it just happened.  I would never choose this.

Third, I am very close with his family and I love them.  That's another thing that makes this situation so hard.  I would hate losing them, and I know if I broke up with my bf it would break their heart.  But I don't see how I could pay them back for college if we broke up.  I don't have that kind of money.  That's why they sometimes help me out.  They are rich, but my family is poor.  

1 hour ago, Stret said:

Work on your relationship, work on making it more exciting again. Relationships evolve and transform, and so does love. But try and find ways to refresh things. Do not tell him about your feelings for Dave because you will hurt him and he will never trust you fully again - feelings will dissipate with time and will become meaningless, but only if you break the contact with Dave. Yes, it is hard and yes, your hormones are controlling your mind, but you can still win if you have a strong character. 

Yes!  I think that's it.  We need to make the relationship more exciting, more passionate.  But how?  

It seems to me that taking a break might be what accomplishes this.  Maybe then we'd realize how much we really want to be together?  Or am I an idiot?

1 hour ago, Stret said:

. 

Relationship with Dave would be frustrating and painful, and you would have to balance between moments of great joy to moments of deep depression. Do you think he is the kind that can be faithful? Doesn't look like from your description of him. 

Well, I may be naive, but he's seemed to really have changed since his younger days.  He says he's tired of just having fun and wants to settle down with someone, and he says I'm his version of a perfect woman.  But he doesn't want to come between me and my bf.  But if we broke up then he would love to try us.

I don't think he would try anything tho because he lives with my bf's sister.  If she ever told my bf about us, well, my bf is a lot bigger than him and would probably hurt him.  So I can't imagine him doing me wrong.  I think he wants to just remain friends for now and see what happens between my bf and I.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Avayarna said:

We need to make the relationship more exciting, more passionate.  But how?  

It seems to me that taking a break might be what accomplishes this.  Maybe then we'd realize how much we really want to be together?  

No. It would kill your relationship, and be a very thinly-veiled excuse for you to test-drive another guy. Taking a break is pointless, and frankly, quite selfish of you. 

5 hours ago, Avayarna said:

All I can do is try to handle this situation to the best of my ability

And yet, you are not doing that. You are being sneaky and deceptive. Handling this to the best of your ability would mean cutting all ties with Dave while you address the problems in your relationship.  Period.

[JTSW]

8 hours ago, Avayarna said:

I love him and would never betray his trust. 

Too late.

You already have.

[introverted1]

13 hours ago, Avayarna said:

Second, I understand "emotional cheating" but I'm really not sure how I feel about it.  I mean, you can't control your feelings, right? 

You can control your actions which results in controlling your feelings. 

You've had an ongoing choice to stop interacting with Dave and you have deliberately chosen to continue to engage and to ratchet up contact.

Here's the litmus test:  If a man you loved was behaving as you are now, how would you feel?

13 hours ago, Avayarna said:

I know if I broke up with my bf it would break their heart.

Not nearly as much as when they find out you've been cheating.

You're in an EA now, but it's only a matter before you are in a PA, whether with Dave or someone else.

13 hours ago, Avayarna said:

I don't see how I could pay them back for college if we broke up.  I don't have that kind of money. 

But you will once you graduate and secure a job, right? That's when you can start paying them back.  In installments, as needed.  The point is to be a responsible, independent adult. You should be planning to do this whether you break up or not. 

 

13 hours ago, Avayarna said:

It seems to me that taking a break might be what accomplishes this.  Maybe then we'd realize how much we really want to be together? 

Who are you trying to fool with this line of reasoning?  Not us, I hope.  And not your bf.  The only person who benefits from a break is you, as it allows you to have sex with Dave while keeping your bf on the hook in case you decide you want to come back.

Taking a break is just a stepping stone in breaking up.  Your bf deserves better than a "break" while you test out Dave. 

Edited December 14, 2022 by introverted1

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Avayarna said:

.  I mean, you can't control your feelings, right? 

Yes, you can. Every single day, your BF sees and meets attractive women many who may be hotter than you. However he is not throwing you out of the house back on the street or requiring that you pay him back because of his "feelings" meaning that there's a sea of hotter sexier women out there, but he has a choice and he is controlling his feelings. 

[Avayarna]

10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No. It would kill your relationship, and be a very thinly-veiled excuse for you to test-drive another guy. Taking a break is pointless, and frankly, quite selfish of you. 

Yes, I see that now.  It would be wrong for me to ask for a break just to see Dave.  I realize I must make a choice.  It's just so hard!

10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And yet, you are not doing that. You are being sneaky and deceptive. Handling this to the best of your ability would mean cutting all ties with Dave while you address the problems in your relationship.  Period.

Yes, I also see that now as well.  The problem is that I seem to be really really attracted to this guy.  The other day my body was still tingling like 2 hours after he hugged me goodbye!  

2 hours ago, introverted1 said:

You can control your actions which results in controlling your feelings. 

You've had an ongoing choice to stop interacting with Dave and you have deliberately chosen to continue to engage and to ratchet up contact.

Here's the litmus test:  If a man you loved was behaving as you are now, how would you feel? 

Ugggghhhh!  I know!  I already thought about that.  If my bf was doing the same thing I am right now, I admit I'd probably be really jealous and feel threatened.  That's why I feel so awful about this whole thing.

2 hours ago, introverted1 said:

Who are you trying to fool with this line of reasoning?  Not us, I hope.  And not your bf.  The only person who benefits from a break is you, as it allows you to have sex with Dave while keeping your bf on the hook in case you decide you want to come back.

Taking a break is just a stepping stone in breaking up.  Your bf deserves better than a "break" while you test out Dave. 

Yeah, like I said, I realize that now.  I would not use him like that.  If I can't stop these feelings I have for Dave, then I would have to break up with him.  Which I fear I would regret and possibly be the worst decision of my life.  

Again, I just can't decide!  My mind keeps going back and forth.  It's like I'm going crazy.  Do I take a chance with a guy I just met, or do the "right" thing and stay with a man who I know loves me more than anything?