Why do I feel this way when I already have the perfect BF?

[stillafool]

I think it's especially hard for men to forget the cheating and move forward with the relationship.  They have what is know as "mind movies" where they see you having sex with the partner over and over from what I've heard from the ones who've been cheated on.  Most couples end up going through counseling.  If you're married it's worth the investment but just being bf/gf sometimes it's best to move on and do better. 

Glad to see you admit that you did cheat on your bf.  Is he now aware that you did have sex with Dave?

Edited January 15, 2023 by stillafool

[Weezy1973]

I suspect it depends. Will he be able to trust you again? That's the crux of it. And even then, it won't be the same, but it can still be good.

[Gaeta]

I know couples who have overcome one of them cheating. It depends on the lenght of the relationship & why cheating happenned. 

I agree therapy is for long term relationships, married couples, couples with children. If you cheated while the relationship is still in the honeymoon phase, meaning under 2 years. Let it go and move on. 

[Avayarna]

10 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I think it's especially hard for men to forget the cheating and move forward with the relationship.  They have what is know as "mind movies" where they see you having sex with the partner over and over from what I've heard from the ones who've been cheated on.  Most couples end up going through counseling.  If you're married it's worth the investment but just being bf/gf sometimes it's best to move on and do better. 

Glad to see you admit that you did cheat on your bf.  Is he now aware that you did have sex with Dave?

Yeah, his sister told on us.  And yes it was cheating because we did have sex before I broke up with him.  I meant to break up with him before I cheated, but I was too late. I tried to minimize it because I was already planning on breaking up with him when I first started sleeping with Dave, but I now realize that is no excuse. I should have waited until I broke up with him first, but the moment got the best of me. 

And yes we are going to couples counseling.  I'm trying to make an appt but the counselors are always so damn busy.  But I do think that bringing in a 3rd party can help him learn to trust me again. 

14 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

I suspect it depends. Will he be able to trust you again? That's the crux of it. And even then, it won't be the same, but it can still be good.

Yeah Weezy, the one thing we had before was trust. I know I’ve lost his trust but I also know that I can get it back. He loves me very much and I love him. I know the relationship won’t be the same for a long time but I think it can be sometime in the future.

But why do you say it can't be the same?  I know it might take a long time, but if we are both committed to it and both really want it, why isn't it possible?
 

[Avayarna]

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I know couples who have overcome one of them cheating. It depends on the lenght of the relationship & why cheating happenned. 

I agree therapy is for long term relationships, married couples, couples with children. If you cheated while the relationship is still in the honeymoon phase, meaning under 2 years. Let it go and move on. 

I do think I know why I cheated on him. The cheating occurred because I wasn’t getting any of his attention and in a way I felt like we were already broken up. We lived together more as roommates than lovers. I cheated on him the day before I broke up with him. I had wanted to end it for a couple of weeks already.
It’s sad because I really love him so much and it was a biiiiiigg mistake. Especially since I knew the whole time that this other guy would never work. It's just meaningless sex. I’ve never had that before.
 My bf (or ex-bf) is a really strong man and he won’t use it as revenge or in a fight or anything.
 And hey, even if we don’t work out because of trust or whatever, at least we can say we tried.
 Does anyone else have any experiences where it did work out?  What worked for you?

 

[poppyfields]

39 minutes ago, Avayarna said:

I do think I know why I cheated on him. The cheating occurred because I wasn’t getting any of his attention and in a way I felt like we were already broken up.

It's strange you say that. 

Given the fact in your previous thread (about your attraction to Dave, the man you cheated on your bf with) you claimed he was the "perfect" boyfriend.

Do you think you were in denial? 

Anyway, after you dumped your bf to be with Dave, it was only a matter of time before you would eventually want to get back with him.

I knew that, I think many of us did. 

Re getting back to where you were before any of this happened, no it will never be the same, you can count on that. 

I mean how could it?  Relationships are always moving, changing, evolving, growing or declining. And this was huge! 

Forgiveness, yes I do believe in forgiving but NOT forgetting. 

I think your bf will forgive you too but you better believe he won't ever forget and whether or not that has a long term negative effect or impact on your relationship, only time will tell. 

I wish you both luck though. 

 

Edited January 15, 2023 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

Jmo but I think this thread and previous should be merged to give everyone reading the correct context. 

Yes sometimes after cheating, things can get back to where they were, become stronger even, but NOT in your situation.

I just did a brief read of your previous thread and am literally shocked that you and your boyfriend are now back together.

What happened with Dave?  Did he dump you? 

Or did you realize after cheating on your boyfriend and dumping him for Dave, that Dave was the 'player' we all suspected him to be?  

I think this is relevant information in order to put things in proper context for anyone responding to your thread title. 

 

Edited January 15, 2023 by poppyfields

[NuevoYorko]

On what grounds would your bf be able to trust you now?   He thought you were his girlfriend and all was good, and you betrayed that - in front of his sister, with her roommate.   He did not really know who he was dealing with.

 I suspect Dave just got what he wanted and probably regrets it, since he also may have lost his roommate and possibly his home, and he gave you the old heave-ho.   

Why do you want to get back with your bf?  Because he's been there since you were a teenager and you've never had to fend for yourself.  It's probably necessary for you to be on your own for a while.   You have some growing up to do.  

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Avayarna said:

I do think I know why I cheated on him. The cheating occurred because I wasn’t getting any of his attention and in a way I felt like we were already broken up
 

Then l think you need to be alone for a while an build yourself to be a stronger woman. 

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Then l think you need to be alone for a while an build yourself to be a stronger woman. 

I agree with @Gaeta about becoming a stronger woman however I think it's real important that you be emotionally honest with yourself and NOT place blame on your boyfriend for not being attentive enough. 

That's is not why you cheated and you know that. 

You cheated because you became sexually atttacted to another man, Dave, and were not strong enough to resist the temptation, his charms, whatever.

It's written all over your previous thread which is why context is so important.

I know your boyfriend is a grown man, but I feel so badly for him. 

He has been treated so unkindly and unfairly and now you're attempting to shift blame on to him for not being attentive enough. 

Please, take responsibility for your own choices and actions, if nothing else. 

Own them, take steps to understand them and vow to become a better partner going forward. 

Thar is how you grow, evolve and heal. 

 

Edited January 16, 2023 by poppyfields

[Avayarna]

40 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I agree with @Gaeta about becoming a stronger woman however I think it's real important that you be emotionally honest with yourself and NOT place blame on your boyfriend for not being attentive enough. 

That's is not why you cheated and you know that. 

You cheated because you became sexually atttacted to another man, Dave, and were not strong enough to resist the temptation, his charms, whatever.

It's written all over your previous thread which is why context is so important.

I know your boyfriend is a grown man, but I feel so badly for him. 

He has been treated so unkindly and unfairly and now you're attempting to shift blame on to him for not being attentive enough. 

Please, take responsibility for your own choices and actions, if nothing else. 

Own them, take steps to understand them and vow to become a better partner going forward. 

Thar is how you grow, evolve and heal. 

 

Poppy, I was not trying to blame my bf.  I was just trying to understand why I would cheat on him now, when I've been around other attractive guys in the past and it didn't even cross my mind to actually try something with them.

I know some of the reasons why I cheated. 1. I was NOT getting anything out of the relationship from my bf that I was putting in. I put so much into the relationship and he did nothing, I talked to him about all of this 2 weeks before I cheated on him but he didn't take it serious. I almost left him that night but decided to stay. He still proceeded to go ice fishing for the weekend. so 2. I didn't (at that time) want to be with him anymore so the day before I was going to break up with him (another weekend ice fishing) he came home that night and I had already made the biggest mistake of my life the night before. Biggest.

Honestly, what can I do to make it up to him?   I want to go back in time and be stronger than what I was. What was I thinking? I am more sorry than I've ever been in my life.

 

[NuevoYorko]

18 minutes ago, Avayarna said:

I was NOT getting anything out of the relationship from my bf that I was putting in. I put so much into the relationship and he did nothing, 
 

That is not the same picture you painted in your first post:

Quote

So I (24) have been with my bf (28) for 5 happy years. And for the most part everything has been really great.  Almost perfect really.  We are very much in love and he and his family have treat me better than any guy ever has (including paying for my college).  I’m very much in love with him and I would say we are definitely soulmates.  We get along and do things together, but also give each other space.  I know he loves me and will do anything for me

I probably really do understand how you were feeling due to lack of attention from your ex, but the way you chose to deal with it was bad.  It showed a side of your character that your ex really needs to pay attention to:  If you don't get what you want, there are not any boundaries that will prevent you from getting your itch scratched.  That's not "relationship material."  You are not trustworthy at this point in your life.

I don't  believe that "once a cheater always a cheater."   Many people, me included, did stupid, selfish and destructive things in our youth and learned from them.  You won't have learned anything, though, if you got to have your fling, wreck your ex bf, and then just change your mind and go back to the way it used to be.  

 

[Lotsgoingon]

No, you can't recover the way it used to be. Nope--you have destroyed that.

But ... you can build something new. Clearly there is no guarantee you guys can build something new. But married couples do it all the time--and of course, lots of married couples fall apart or simply get stuck after an affair.  It takes time--often years--though the process of building a new relationship can be shorter. But the process to the new relationship can be brutal. 

Is your bf asking you all kinds of questions about the affair? Apparently affair partners need to ask those questions. That's part of the process. The partners who were cheated on can't feel safe until they get the real story of where you were and what you were doing and the lies you told or things you left out of discussing with him. BTW: things have to stay negative for a while and then slowly a shift can occur. 

[Ami1uwant]

6 hours ago, Avayarna said:

After one cheats (me) and the other person is willing to overcome it (my bf but on a break) is it possible (in your opinion) to get back what was once there? I know it would take lots of time but is it possible, if we both want it?  Or is the relationship doomed to never be the same again?

And PLEASE just give me your honest opinions.  Thanks

 

I’m a guy…

 

my rule on this is it will be very hard to trust if I find this out vs if she confesses the act.

 

i value trust. 
 

i view cheating as not the core problem, but the manifestation of other relationship problems.

[Ami1uwant]

4 hours ago, Avayarna said:

Yeah, his sister told on us.  And yes it was cheating because we did have sex before I broke up with him.  I meant to break up with him before I cheated, but I was too late. I tried to minimize it because I was already planning on breaking up with him when I first started sleeping with Dave, but I now realize that is no excuse. I should have waited until I broke up with him first, but the moment got the best of me. 

And yes we are going to couples counseling.  I'm trying to make an appt but the counselors are always so damn busy.  But I do think that bringing in a 3rd party can help him learn to trust me again. 

Yeah Weezy, the one thing we had before was trust. I know I’ve lost his trust but I also know that I can get it back. He loves me very much and I love him. I know the relationship won’t be the same for a long time but I think it can be sometime in the future.

But why do you say it can't be the same?  I know it might take a long time, but if we are both committed to it and both really want it, why isn't it possible?
 

I’m confused……we’re you planning on endingit? Why salvage it because you cheated?

[Avayarna]

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

I’m a guy…

my rule on this is it will be very hard to trust if I find this out vs if she confesses the act.

i value trust. 

i view cheating as not the core problem, but the manifestation of other relationship problems.

I see. so you might be able to trust again if you didn't find out on your own.

In my case it's kind of complicated.  My bf found out I was sleeping with my friend, but I confessed that it started the day before I broke up with him.

and I can see now how it was other problems that caused the cheating.  you are right. that is why we are doing counseling.

I'm just glad my bf is willing to do anything he can to fix the problem and not be a dick about it.  It makes me love him even more.  🥰

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

I’m confused……we’re you planning on endingit? Why salvage it because you cheated?

I was planning on ending it but then I realized that I never really want to leave him.  We just had some problems, small ones, that needed working out.  And I think I was scared of whatever it is I was scared of.  

[LynneVicious]

In my experience, no, the relationship absolutely cannot go back to ‘the way it was’. It’s like breaking a plate. You can glue the pieces back together but it’ll never be the same. The blind trust is broken, never to return. 

Cheating is a selfish choice. And it’s never a mistake. It’s a series of actions that lead to a final choice. 

If you truly want to be back with your boyfriend, be completely honest with everything. And work on yourself and why you cheated so you’ll never do it again and don’t play mental gymnastics to validate your cheating. Good luck. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Based on your previous thread and your behaviour then and now?

No. Your relationship is over and won't ever go back to what it was. 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Jmo but I think this thread and previous should be merged to give everyone reading the correct context. 

Agreed. There is  a lot missing from this thread which is necessary to paint the entire picture. 

[Weezy1973]

5 hours ago, Avayarna said:

I was planning on ending it but then I realized that I never really want to leave him.  We just had some problems, small ones, that needed working out.  And I think I was scared of whatever it is I was scared of.  

So there’s this thing cheaters do when they cheat which is called rewriting history. Clearly in your last thread the reason you cheated is because you were attracted to and felt a connection with the other guy. Now you’re rewriting history to protect your ego. Instead of just saying I did a terrible thing to my boyfriend and was doing it for selfish reasons, you say there were problems in the relationship which drove you to cheat. Sticking with that story will definitely keep you boyfriend from trusting you. Complete honesty with yourself - just read your previous thread for a refresh of your thinking at the time - and then complete honesty with your boyfriend might salvage things. In fact show him the previous thread so he can see exactly what kind of person you are and then decide for himself.

[JTSW]

Some relationships can regain trust in time.

In your case, no, it's not salvageable.

He wont trust you like he use to because of they way you went about it.

You dumped him for another man you were deluded about.

He will always think you will be willing to cheat with a man you feel very attracted to.

I think it's highly likely that you will.

In my honest opinion you cannot be trusted and he deserves better.

You destroyed everything good you had and most importantly his trust.

You have shown all of us that you are capable of lying and cheating.

His parents won't be the same with you either.

Nothing will be the same again.

[stillafool]

Your boyfriend, like most people who experience their first break up, is trying to hold onto and get back what he once had so that is why he wants to go to counseling.  Whether or not that will work is yet to be seen.  Whether or not he is going to be able to put this behind him is yet to be seen.  Given the fact that he found out from his own sister and not from you will become an issue at some point.  I can only imagine what his sister thinks of you now and has told their parents everything.  Are you still going to try to depend on them to pay for your college?  They probably think that is the only reason you got back with their son is so they pay for your education.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Avayarna said:

Im just glad my bf is willing to do anything he can to fix the problem and not be a dick about it.  

Will he let you move back in? What happened to the fling? It's good he's willing to do counseling and you would benefit from conflict resolution skills. Stepping out of the relationship to make a point about ice fishing or hobbies is destructive and indicates impulsivity and shortsightedness 

Perhaps individual therapy could help you with independence and appropriate ways to express differences.

Unfortunately even though he's willing to reconcile, it may be temporary if you continue to go nuclear when you don't get your way.  

[JTSW]

9 hours ago, Avayarna said:

I'm just glad my bf is willing to do anything he can to fix the problem

But it's not for him to fix is it.

You broke it, not him.

You ARE the problem.

You are the one that couldn't help yourself.

No amount of couples therapy is going keep your betrayal out of his mind.

[PotatoHead]

I'm a guy who's GF cheated on him and we are still together trying to rebuild 2 years later.

As others have said, no it will never be exactly the same.  But you can still have a great relationship potentially, given that... 

1) You do the hard work to address the underlying issues that led to the cheating. Which it doesn't sound like you are doing, you are still trying to blame issues in your relationship.  The only thing that allowed you to cheat was you, and you need to figure out why.

2) You do everything possible to show your BF that you have changed or are working on changes so that it would never happen again, to eventually allow him to trust you again to an extent.

3) You accept that the relationship will never be the same.  He will always hold onto pain because of this, and though it may lessen over time it will still be there.  The trust will never be back 100%, that is your fault and you have to be understanding of that.

I can say from experience that if you can manage to save the relationship, it will be one of the hardest things you ever do.  It's been 2 years since my GF cheated, and she didn't even allow it to become physical.  Just messages.  Not a day goes by that it still doesn't cross my mind, but the pain does fade over time.  Some days are harder than others.  You will have to be extremely patient.  If my GF had a physical affair I don't think I would have been able to get past it.

 

Best of luck