Sister is an alcoholic and drunk driver

[newlywedder]

Last night when I went to lunch at the mall with my sister she drank a whole pitcher of alcohol. My son and her daughter were with us. I couldn’t believe she drank so much in front of kids! She drinks when we go out but never this much before.

We then went to a kid’s park for an hour at the mall. She had drove us there and said she was ok to drive us home. I wish I would’ve called an Uber because on the road she started screaming at me and I could smell alcohol strongly on her breath.
 

I pleaded to leave the car with my son. Finally she let me out at a restaurant parking lot when my husband called her. She then locked my son in the car and was about to drive off with him. I called the police so she then let him out and drove away. 

I thought she and her daughter would get into an accident so told the police her name and vehicle. It was raining hard at night. 

Now, she has blocked me on Facebook and phone. I’m so scared she will end up losing her job as a teacher if she continues to drive drunk. 

What can I do to help her? I’m her only family alive. 

Edited December 11, 2022 by newlywedder
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[glows]

That sounds terrifying and glad you were able to get out and leave with your son. I’m not sure there’s much you can do. She has to want to seek help for her drinking.

[ShyViolet]

It was a mistake to get in the car with her when she was about to drive drunk.  But you did the right thing calling the police.  In the future I think all you can do is call the police whenever you know that she's committing a crime like driving drunk.  She will have to reap the consequences.  You will probably not get through to her any other way.

[newlywedder]

28 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

It was a mistake to get in the car with her when she was about to drive drunk.  But you did the right thing calling the police.  In the future I think all you can do is call the police whenever you know that she's committing a crime like driving drunk.  She will have to reap the consequences.  You will probably not get through to her any other way.

Yes very true. She said she was ok to drive but when she drove away with us, I immediately knew that wasn’t true. It was too late because she wouldn’t let us out. She is a narcissist that doesn’t think she has a problem. Instead she blamed me because I got so upset during the car ride.She kept putting down my parenting skills and called my small child an a**h***. It really upset him so he began crying. I can’t have this dangerous person around me or my child. Sister or not! 

[newlywedder]

2 hours ago, glows said:

That sounds terrifying and glad you were able to get out and leave with your son. I’m not sure there’s much you can do. She has to want to seek help for her drinking.

Thanks. I was very lucky that night. It was pouring rain and many wrecks on the road. A pitcher of beer is 5 beers plus she drank my pina colada on top of it. Her blood alcohol  must have been way over the limit. I hope to God this was a wake up call for her. 

Edited December 12, 2022 by newlywedder

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, newlywedder said:

 What can I do to help her? I’m her only family alive. 

Stop interactions with her. You're enabling her. Unfortunately you put your child in grave danger. Your child and his safety need to come first.

Al-Anon is a support group for people Involved with alcoholics. You can get information, help and support for yourself, especially since you are willing to take dangerous risks in the futile effort to fix her.

[basil67]

I agree that you need to stop seeing her.   If she unblocks you and reaches out, it's OK to say that her behaviour that time was rude, hurtful, irresponsible and dangerous and you cannot be part of her life while she's making these kind of choices.   But you would welcome her back if she gets her life on track.

Yes, she might lose her job, but she may be the kind who needs to hit rock bottom before making a change.   Should that happen, don't allow her into your life unless she's undertaking  AA or other alcohol counselling

[glows]

3 hours ago, newlywedder said:

Thanks. I was very lucky that night. It was pouring rain and many wrecks on the road. A pitcher of beer is 5 beers plus she drank my pina colada on top of it. Her blood alcohol  must have been way over the limit. I hope to God this was a wake up call for her. 

Some people don’t ever wake up to any calls. As painful as this is detach from your sister and start recognizing healthier boundaries for the sake of your child and family. Your family needs you so avoid putting yourself in these situations.

Chances are you know her by the back of your hand if she’s your sister. It’s almost predictable. It may be time to let go and focus more on you and your family.

[newlywedder]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

Some people don’t ever wake up to any calls. As painful as this is detach from your sister and start recognizing healthier boundaries for the sake of your child and family. Your family needs you so avoid putting yourself in these situations.

Chances are you know her by the back of your hand if she’s your sister. It’s almost predictable. It may be time to let go and focus more on you and your family.

Yes she used to smoke and do hard drugs like heroin and meth before having her daughter. She then got educated and became a teacher. I thought she had turned things around so decided to have a relationship with her. She is highly stressed at work so is self medicating with the alcohol I know it. I agree that I need to let go. Our dad made us promise to always be there for each other when he died. I just can’t anymore now that my child was at risk. It’s best that I cut her from my life. 

[newlywedder]

35 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I agree that you need to stop seeing her.   If she unblocks you and reaches out, it's OK to say that her behaviour that time was rude, hurtful, irresponsible and dangerous and you cannot be part of her life while she's making these kind of choices.   But you would welcome her back if she gets her life on track.

Yes, she might lose her job, but she may be the kind who needs to hit rock bottom before making a change.   Should that happen, don't allow her into your life unless she's undertaking  AA or other alcohol counselling

That’s a great idea. I was thinking the same. I didn’t block her myself because I am hoping she will contact me this month because of Christmas. She has no friends because of her drinking habit. They all stopped seeing her. Her husband does drugs and is a heavy drinker and smoker. He will be unable to help her. Even her mother in law drinks and developed liver issues. It turned her yellow once for crying out loud. If I shut her out then she will continue down this path and may lose her daughter. I’m just torn tbh. 

[glows]

She has to want to remove herself from those people like her husband and MIL. They’re enabling and triggering each other and her drinking or drug use may not ever stop while she’s around them. It sounds heartbreaking watching this. I’m sorry and also considering you made a promise to your late father. 

[newlywedder]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Stop interactions with her. You're enabling her. Unfortunately you put your child in grave danger. Your child and his safety need to come first.

Al-Anon is a support group for people Involved with alcoholics. You can get information, help and support for yourself, especially since you are willing to take dangerous risks in the futile effort to fix her.

Thanks, I will check out that group first thing tomorrow. I need all the help I can get. She traumatized my son and now he keeps asking what an a**h*** is. It’s so sad his aunt said that to him. She really hates my child. I love her daughter as my own so this kills me. I hope they don’t end up dying from drunk driving. My sister actually drives drunk nearly everyday. She goes to a bar and grill after work and has a pitcher of beer with her daughter there. Then she drive home drunk. I’ve seen it first hand. I’m just terrified for her daughter’s safety. That kid deserves better!!

[newlywedder]

6 minutes ago, glows said:

She has to want to remove herself from those people like her husband and MIL. They’re enabling and triggering each other and her drinking or drug use may not ever stop while she’s around them. It sounds heartbreaking watching this. I’m sorry and also considering you made a promise to your late father. 

Yes they really are. She has been with her husband 20 years and he is only dragging her down. She was thinking of leaving him but decided to stay for her kid. Our parents divorced and it was really nasty. She doesn’t want the same. Although, it would be for the best if she did leave. She may clean herself up and get healthy. It’s just so painful to watch this trainwreck display. I live 5 minutes away from her so am close by if she needs me. Thanks all. 

[glows]

Well, stay safe and be there for your family. My thoughts are with you all.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, newlywedder said:

. I love her daughter as my own so this kills me. She goes to a bar and grill after work and has a pitcher of beer with her daughter there. 

You could report this to child protective services. It may be better to protect your innocent niece than to enable a sister who refuses to get help. Focus on the innocent children, not protecting alcoholics.

 

[Beachead]

@newlywedder

So her husband dragged her down and now she's dragging her child down.

I'm sorry you're going through this.  

Witnessing a family-member spiraling downhill because of personal demons and bad coping mechanisms and being unwilling to admit they have a problem and dragging others down with them, is suffering.  The worst part is their ego and pride.  They always think, they don't have a problem.  It's all under control according to them.   Very difficult to help a person that doesn't want the help because they don't even acknowledge they have a problem in the first place. 

If you stay and pick up her slack, including her neglect of her child, you enable her.  She's going to have to hit rock-bottom before she realizes what she's done and its her child that's going to suffer on account of her, and maybe loose their life.  You could cut her off to protect your child from her, but where will that leave her child?  You're stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Good place to start is to speak to organizations that specialize in this thing.  I believe these situations aren't far and few.  They're probably very common  Address your concerns. Address your fears for the child.  They have experience and at the very least, will therefore be the perfect place to start.  From there, you can make a better decision.  Be prepared for the possibility that there may not be anything you can do except to just guide the kid in the right direction through all of this.

 I wish you strength to persevere through this.

- Feather

Edited December 12, 2022 by MisterFeather

[basil67]

I agree with @Wiseman2 that she needs to be reported to child protection services.  Her daughter should not be placed at risk like this

[newlywedder]

7 hours ago, MisterFeather said:

@newlywedder

So her husband dragged her down and now she's dragging her child down.

I'm sorry you're going through this.  

Witnessing a family-member spiraling downhill because of personal demons and bad coping mechanisms and being unwilling to admit they have a problem and dragging others down with them, is suffering.  The worst part is their ego and pride.  They always think, they don't have a problem.  It's all under control according to them.   Very difficult to help a person that doesn't want the help because they don't even acknowledge they have a problem in the first place. 

If you stay and pick up her slack, including her neglect of her child, you enable her.  She's going to have to hit rock-bottom before she realizes what she's done and its her child that's going to suffer on account of her, and maybe loose their life.  You could cut her off to protect your child from her, but where will that leave her child?  You're stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Good place to start is to speak to organizations that specialize in this thing.  I believe these situations aren't far and few.  They're probably very common  Address your concerns. Address your fears for the child.  They have experience and at the very least, will therefore be the perfect place to start.  From there, you can make a better decision.  Be prepared for the possibility that there may not be anything you can do except to just guide the kid in the right direction through all of this.

 I wish you strength to persevere through this.

- Feather

Thanks! I signed up for Al-anon on Sunday. I texted her daughter and said we would always be here for her but she didn’t respond. I’m thinking my sister blocked me from her daughter’s phone. Her daughter always responds back to me. I had sent them gifts before this happened and they got them today. I’m thinking she may have thrown them out or returned them. I feel bad that I wasted my money. I’m worried my sister is telling her daughter that I don’t care about her. I’m not sure CPS would do anything. She keeps a clean home and her child is well fed. I have no proof she drinks so much. 

[newlywedder]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

I agree with @Wiseman2 that she needs to be reported to child protection services.  Her daughter should not be placed at risk like this

I don’t think they would do anything. I have no proof of her drinking. I don’t even think a police report was filed because they didn’t arrest her. I don’t know why they didn’t. She was clearly drunk as a skunk. The police here are very underfunded so they don’t care much about their jobs. 

[basil67]

36 minutes ago, newlywedder said:

I don’t think they would do anything. I have no proof of her drinking. I don’t even think a police report was filed because they didn’t arrest her. I don’t know why they didn’t. She was clearly drunk as a skunk. The police here are very underfunded so they don’t care much about their jobs. 

No, not the police.  You report her to your local child protection agency.   Your witness statement would be enough for them to look into it. 

You could also try to alert your niece's school principal.  Of course, they can't tell you anything, but hopefully they could listen to you and watch for problems.  Assuming the law where you are is the same as where I am, they would be mandatory reporters, so being able to connect the dots would be helpful for them. 

[Lotsgoingon]

And NEVER get in the car with her intoxicated again. She is a danger to other people on the road and to herself and any of her own passengers.

And take a breath: this is an impossibly frustrating situation. Maddening. Dealing with family members with addictions is just nuts. 

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, newlywedder said:

I don’t even think a police report was filed because they didn’t arrest her. 

Anytime you contact the police they make out a report. Try to stop saving someone who terrified and almost kidnapped your child driving off drunk, according to you.

[newlywedder]

Update: It’s been over a week. Her 9 year old daughter called today and wished us all a Merry Christmas. I started therapy and the therapist says she is a narcissist who likely has borderline personality disorder too. That’s why she won’t see fault in driving drunk. She doesn’t even think she is an alcoholic. I’m to blame for calling the police. My therapist says I should journal my feelings. She thinks us having no contact is for the best so that I can heal from my sister’s abuse. 

[glows]

Good for you seeking support and doing therapy. I agree about not having contact with your sister.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, newlywedder said:

 She thinks us having no contact is for the best so that I can heal . 

It's good you are seeing a therapist. Although no healthcare professional would make these armchair diagnoses, the important thing is helping you distance yourself and cope with codependent tendencies.