I have a problem...

[Zelezniy]

Well ... where shell I begin ... I'm an immigrant, and life in a states did not go well for me from the start. I didn't have problem learning English (learned basic in three months) I was self conscious about people understanding me and my accent. That added to the problem I'm sure. My mother who brought me here was making money as a "masseuse" but I know what she was really doing. As years go by I saw my self getting more and more isolated. I wasn't like that back home. By the time I was 21 we got a computer and that f***ed everything up even more. I was going to college but my mother decided to do a renovation on a house... So I had to drop out of college because I was sitting by the computer and didn't have any place to shower or do laundry... I began to loose all motivation in life and days grew into weeks, weeks into years. I've detached my self from the world and lost my self in cyberspace. I didn't have a job so all I did is sit by the computer all night long and sleep in a day time. I did have occasional job but it did not last long to "fix me" My sleeping cycle was preventing me from getting a job and lack of job kept that cycle going. Depression was always there and I learned to push it all away and not feel. I was happy to waste away.

 

Few years ago I met a girl on the internet. She was leaving her husband and I think I was the unlucky one to fall for her. She had a lot of emotional baggage and I though I can fix her. I saw the warning signs that all she needed is someone to fall on but I ignored them. She had no self esteem, she was raped in early age, she used self mutilation to cope with pain. I never loved anyone before and did not have any serious relationships. I found out about everything to late and when it didn't matter. She was a sex maniac when we first met and later she told me it was a way of getting me to like her. I mistook it for passion. Obviously she wasn't like that anymore ones our relationship progressed and when she visited I thought it will not work out because it was sex not love making. She left and then after my mother intervened we started talking again, she explained that this is all related to her being raped and her ex husband. That she is seeing therapist. She said that all them feeling ware locked up and when it began to resurface she was overwhelmed. She started cutting her self again by the time I moved in with her. I left NYC, city I love so much and moved to Virginia. I found a job thanks to her and her friends. Everything was going ok. I'd work, come home and sit by the computer. The time we spent together was negligible. I'd get a sudden urge to get away, whether I'm happy or sad computer is always there. She told me that I repress my feeling as well and it must feel awful to be left by your mother. (I grew up with my grandma and she moved to US so she can bring me here) I didn't care, I was happy to be that way. We progressed the same way and I didn't spend enough time with her and she didn't change her attitude toward sex. Passion was not there, all it was "hey, wanna f***?"

 

I did not tell her that I didn't have a job and was sitting by the computer for more then 8 years until we broke up few months ago. When she dumped me she began talking to her ex b/f (one before her husband) on a same night. I know that she planned it before so it would be easy to move on. I begged her to reconsider and give this relationship one more chance. When I was on my knees crying in front of her I could have swore I saw her smile. It seemed that she did everything possible to hurt me. She did not give me any closure and never said if she still loves me or not. We lived together for 2 months I'm trying to move on and meet new people, and I have. She moved out few weeks ago leaving me in this 2 bedroom apartment. I have no one to turn to but people I met on the internet. I do go out and I met few people but in the end I always end up sitting here... Maybe she was a life line I toke and my feelings for her grew stronger. What ever it was she changed me and I don't want to go back to what I was... However right now I have little choice.