Parents Interferrence

[Alpacalia]

After almost ten months of dating, I might be on the verge of the end of my relationship. Trying to cheer myself up but it doesn't seem to be working. Between his family members and us as a couple there is no separation or very minimal separation.

Having him as a partner makes me feel loved and safe, he knows what I need, and he's reliable. He is also very caring about his family, which I also value highly.

After several months, I started having doubts. We just weren't clicking. Our lives fused more and more as we integrated our lives, but it also brought to light our differing lifestyles. Initially, I thought his consistency with certain things balanced me out and made me grounded, but slowly, I realize I need someone I can run with.

His family keeps bringing up marriage which has put him (and us) under a lot of stress. Every time I talked to him about me wanting to buy my dream car, he would usually say that his parents told him we should be saving money instead. 

There is a tendency for one of us (mainly him) to say something like, "I don't know if the parents would approve," when we discuss something or have a disagreement.

His parents are great, and I adore them and they are very nurturing and kind to me, but I sometimes feel like they interfere too much with our relationship.

Another example is going out for dinner with all of us. His mother is a pure vegetarian, while I am not. The thing is, she doesn't seem to care what others eat if they aren't vegetarians, but not when I come to her house or in front of her. Her husband is not a vegetarian, so his mother won't eat with him. I figure it isn't a big deal since my boyfriend isn't vegetarian.

For me, it is not something I would want to be the type of partner who tells you to tell your parents or that he needs to sever the ties a little to have a relationship. Those are his parents' relationships, and I respect them. There has also been some tension between his parents, and I sometimes feel as if they are projecting some of their marital problems onto our relationship.

He's done nothing to hurt me, and he certainly doesn't lack love for me. In our relationship, I am a toned-down version of myself. He is a voice of reason. While he did not discourage me, he frequently made me think twice before taking a leap, and it often involved his family. They're older now, so I think my guy feels he needs to maybe compensate for certain things where it concerns them?

During a disagreement, I realized I needed to make a decision about our relationship. I know if I talk to him about it more, my default position is to stay with him and gloss over the issues with his parents. I asked him for a weekend off to rest my head. When I told my best friend I was having doubts, I started weeping. My feelings are still oscillating between "I want him and us to live independently of his parents," and "I love him and want to work this out."

My best friend has given me some good advice I still feel a bit unsure though.

 

[basil67]

If things are otherwise good, I'd be trying to solve the issue rather than ending the relationship.   For starters, I have two alternate thoughts so will give them both

1. Could it be that he personally disagrees with certain things, but phrases it as his parents disagreeing so that he doesn't become the bad guy?   Much like how with many kids (myself included) if they don't want to do something, they'd say "mom said I can't" so that they don't have to look bad  

2. My other thought is that you may simply need better boundaries.   You're talking about buying your dream car.   Assuming that you're not spending joint funds, what his parents think has no relevance to your decision....and in your situation, this would be my response to him.  And even if it is joint funds, then it's between you and your partner only and again, this should be stated.   Broadly, if the two of you are sorting out a disagreement, what his parents think should have no relevance unless the decision actually involves them.   

Though perhaps rather than being reactive like I just was, there needs to be a discussion when things aren't heated.   Something like "I understand and respect that you're close to your parents and I know they are good people, but sometimes their thoughts and ideas get invoked when we are dealing with an issue which doesn't involve them.  It makes me feel like there are four of us in the relationship and it makes me feel 'ganged up on'"   You'd want to be able to get to a point where you make it clear that you want to hear HIS views and not that of his parents....and even then, to be able to consider his views but make your own decision on things such as a dream car.   If you can afford it (debt won't stop you from being financially secure) then why not?

Other random thoughts......    Is being a toned down version of yourself comfortable or are you feeling stifled?   Do you regret not doing anything when he's been 'the voice of reason'?

Edited December 12, 2022 by basil67

[Weezy1973]

I think there are a couple things going on. One is the “free spirit vs. conservative” dilemma and the other is a distinct communication issue. I’ll start with the communication issue first, because it might help with the other point. It would be nice to never have to have difficult conversations with our partner and they just could read out mind  or think exactly the same about things as we do, but unfortunately that’s just not a realistic expectation. The expectation should be that nobody is designed specifically for us, that our partner is going to have different views about things, and that they’re trying their best to be happy which sometimes won’t align with what we want to be happy. 
 

All that being said, when he brings his family into decision making by saying “I don’t think the family would approve” he’s really kind of invoking a defense mechanism by not telling you he doesn’t approve, which is the actual truth. It’s not a great thing to do. But it can easily be fixed with better communication. There seems to be a lot of thinking on your part but not a lot of communicating to him, and that’s because bringing up these difficult topics is hard. For what it’s worth, I tend to think partners support partners and family comes second.

As far as being with someone grounded vs being with someone you can run with - it really comes down to what you want out of life. If it’s marriage and kids, then definitely the grounded, responsible, loving type is good. Discouraging a new car to save more for the future (house, kid’s education, retirement) is a good sign. However if you don’t want kids, and want a partner to be free to do whatever the two of you want at any time, then somebody to run with fits that mold. So what is it you’re looking for?

 

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

1. Could it be that he personally disagrees with certain things, but phrases it as his parents disagreeing so that he doesn't become the bad guy?   Much like how with many kids (myself included) if they don't want to do something, they'd say "mom said I can't" so that they don't have to look bad  

I don't think so. I think due to their age, he feels like he has to tiptoe around certain things with them now.

It is something that he and I have discussed before. I have expressed displeasure with his parents' interference. I feel though it is up to him to stand up to his parents. I can't make him do that. The responsibility lies with him. When it comes to his parents, I am not sure if it is simply meddling or something else. 

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

Other random thoughts......    Is being a toned down version of yourself comfortable or are you feeling stifled?   Do you regret not doing anything when he's been 'the voice of reason'?

It's comfortable I just don't feel at times like I have a voice with certain things. No regrets. We're both very supportive of each other's careers, education, and time away with friends.

Unlike the car situation, early on in our relationship his mother once told me I had a haircut that looked too "young" and I almost lost my cool. My boyfriend told her to back off which I appreciate but it's things like that.

6 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

All that being said, when he brings his family into decision making by saying “I don’t think the family would approve” he’s really kind of invoking a defense mechanism by not telling you he doesn’t approve, which is the actual truth. It’s not a great thing to do. But it can easily be fixed with better communication. There seems to be a lot of thinking on your part but not a lot of communicating to him, and that’s because bringing up these difficult topics is hard. For what it’s worth, I tend to think partners support partners and family comes second.

As far as being with someone grounded vs being with someone you can run with - it really comes down to what you want out of life. If it’s marriage and kids, then definitely the grounded, responsible, loving type is good. Discouraging a new car to save more for the future (house, kid’s education, retirement) is a good sign. However if you don’t want kids, and want a partner to be free to do whatever the two of you want at any time, then somebody to run with fits that mold. So what is it you’re looking for?

That's really insightful. Thank you.

I agree with the partners supporting partners first thing. I have spoken with his parents before too. Although they are adamant that they are only trying to help, it is worth mentioning that I have taken the time to express that while I appreciate their viewpoints I prefer if they didn't speak through my boyfriend on things that are really my decisions (with the car for example).

To your last question. More than anything else, I want him, not marriage or kids. The two of us didn't really want marriage or kids, but he started talking about it more lately, and I'm open to it, but his parents keep asking "so when are you both getting married" and I'm like, we've been together for ten months and we can decide when. As much as there is no set timeline for these things, if I can help it, I would prefer not to rush into something as serious as marriage.

In some ways, I feel like this is who he is with his parents and his relationship with them. But I think a lot of it also has to do with that they assume that we're a mini-them. Perhaps they make assumptions that we think the way that they do.

Edited December 13, 2022 by Alpacalia

[basil67]

Yes, he absolutely should be standing up to his parent's interference.  Or at the very least, not conveying their opinions.   I wrote my response with the thoughts that perhaps you hadn't raised the issue yet, but apparently you've been making a really good effort to no avail. 

I agree that you may have to consider ending the relationship.   I mean, you could get even more blunt, but if that happens the relationship will probably end anyway.   I'm sorry

 

 

[Alpacalia]

On 12/12/2022 at 10:10 PM, basil67 said:

Yes, he absolutely should be standing up to his parent's interference.  Or at the very least, not conveying their opinions.   I wrote my response with the thoughts that perhaps you hadn't raised the issue yet, but apparently you've been making a really good effort to no avail. 

I agree that you may have to consider ending the relationship.   I mean, you could get even more blunt, but if that happens the relationship will probably end anyway.   I'm sorry

 

 

Thank you basil.

He does (stand up to his parent's interference). Thankful for that. It might be enough. I'm not certain yet. I don't want this to cause a rift between his parents and him. I find that his father isn't like this toward me at all.

I do notice that the mother makes similar comments (like the haircut incident) towards a lot of people (mainly other women). Even though her words come across as helpful, there is an undertone of insult in them.

It's hard to explain.

I've dealt with tough parents in the past and they were largely very loving towards me. I'm a bit uncertain I suppose because it's quite new for me. If I were more blunt, do you think that would be helpful or appropriate? I certainly don't want to have to lecture his mother.

[Weezy1973]

6 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

 

It's hard to explain.

 

Yes, I’m finding it hard to find the exact issue here. For example, why does it matter what his parents think about you buying a car? It could be that the issue is you want his parents to like you so when they give an opinion it really impacts you you where perhaps it shouldn’t. The other thing and it’s been brought up a couple time here, is that he’s using his parents as a way to assert his opinion without coming across as the bad guy. But then you also say he does stand up to his parents. 
 

Do you live together? 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. It seems more like incompatibilities between you and him, than whatever his parents are like.

While "balancing" each other seems good in theory, it basically means your temperaments, personalities, lifestyles and values are too diverse.

For example his family life is how he is. The parents aren't the issue. Perhaps he comes from a different culture and one that you wouldn't blend with very well.

It's not about good people, bad people, what his parents think, its about this "balancing" theory coming to a head.

You need to be you and he needs to be him without needing to temper who each other is.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. It seems more like incompatibilities between you and him, than whatever his parents are like.

While "balancing" each other seems good in theory, it basically means your temperaments, personalities, lifestyles and values are too diverse.

For example his family life is how he is. The parents aren't the issue. Perhaps he comes from a different culture and one that you wouldn't blend with very well.

It's not about good people, bad people, what his parents think, its about this "balancing" theory coming to a head.

You need to be you and he needs to be him without needing to temper who each other is.

Maybe this is what really comes down to it.

It is important to me that he stays true to his own way of doing things, and I do not want him to become overly conflicted with his mother over something that is not particularly helpful.

While I am trying to stand up for myself and keep the peace, it is unfair for me to have to balance the two.

There was a time in his past when he mentioned that his parents interfering with certain things had been an issue for him in his personal life.

It's really ugh. This hurts my heart.

Thank you all.

[mark clemson]

Some parents are nice, but also know how to make themselves "intrusive".

I don't know if you'd like this approach or (if you do like it) whether he'd be capable, but perhaps asking him to be the barrier between his parents and your relationship has a chance of helping. So he doesn't "sever ties" but he is the one to field all their issues, and only bring it up with you when it's something that's actually his decision too.

For example, he's in no place to ask you not to buy a car, so perhaps that question needn't ever have been asked. Maybe it's only a finger in the dike, but perhaps something like this could "work" in the sense that it keeps the degree to which their "views" impact your relationship down to a minimum? Dunno, just a thought in case it is helpful.

It does sound like if you marry you'll have to deal with more of this, unfortunately. However, really we all need (infamously) to deal with in-laws, it's just part of the game.

[Alpacalia]

17 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Some parents are nice, but also know how to make themselves "intrusive".

I don't know if you'd like this approach or (if you do like it) whether he'd be capable, but perhaps asking him to be the barrier between his parents and your relationship has a chance of helping. So he doesn't "sever ties" but he is the one to field all their issues, and only bring it up with you when it's something that's actually his decision too.

For example, he's in no place to ask you not to buy a car, so perhaps that question needn't ever have been asked. Maybe it's only a finger in the dike, but perhaps something like this could "work" in the sense that it keeps the degree to which their "views" impact your relationship down to a minimum? Dunno, just a thought in case it is helpful.

It does sound like if you marry you'll have to deal with more of this, unfortunately. However, really we all need (infamously) to deal with in-laws, it's just part of the game.

Yes, definitely.

It seems like they are genuinely trying to be helpful. Other times it feels overbearing.

I once spent an afternoon clothes shopping together with his mother. We had a nice girly day. Trying on a dress that she recommended, I found it not to my liking (it was a bit too short and tight). I decided not to purchase the dress and said it just wasn't for me. It was said to me by her that she was embarrassed for me. I was suggested by her to follow her diet because she thought it might be helpful to me if I did so. A nail scar from a piece of wood that fell on me when I was a child was one of the reasons I passed on the dress. The spot is not very noticeable, but something I feel self-conscious about. She commented on that too.

It's possible though that I'm simply looking at it through a narrow lens. I am not so convinced though.

I may also consider some of your other suggestions. It can't hurt! 

Edited December 19, 2022 by Alpacalia

[basil67]

8 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I once spent an afternoon clothes shopping together with his mother. We had a nice girly day. Trying on a dress that she recommended, I found it not to my liking (it was a bit too short and tight). I decided not to purchase the dress and said it just wasn't for me. It was said to me by her that she was embarrassed for me. I was suggested by her to follow her diet because she thought it might be helpful to me if I did so. A nail scar from a piece of wood that fell on me when I was a child was one of the reasons I passed on the dress. The spot is not very noticeable, but something I feel self-conscious about. She commented on that too.

His mother sounds extremely rude.  

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

His mother sounds extremely rude.  

Definitely not a picnic in a field of daisies.

Needless to say, that was our last outing together. I've declined to spend time with her alone from that point forward.

It's just a way for me to let off some steam after recollecting those few incidents. Feeling better now.

I think if I can channel my energy towards fostering my relationship with my guy to ensure we're in this together then it will work out. He has to be on board though.

With the exception of my desire to purchase a new vehicle with my own money and him commenting against it, he has for the most part. I know his reluctance with me purchasing a new vehicle is because he is trying to be more practical in terms of our future which I do understand. I just disliked his choice to infer his parents into the mix.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

 I know his reluctance with me purchasing a new vehicle is because he is trying to be more practical in terms of our future which I do understand. I just disliked his choice to infer his parents into the mix.

That's interesting. He shouldn't be calculating how or why you spend your money in his future plans, especially after a few months together and no firm commitment. How and why you spend your money is completely your business unless you're married. Reflect if people (he and his family) should even be commenting on choices about your income and purchases. Are they hoping you support him? Or does he have condescending tendencies as far as your ability to make sound choices?

[Alpacalia]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's interesting. He shouldn't be calculating how or why you spend your money in his future plans, especially after a few months together and no firm commitment. How and why you spend your money is completely your business unless you're married. Reflect if people (he and his family) should even be commenting on choices about your income and purchases.

Indeed.

There was a discussion about our respective marriage timelines. My plans are not to marry until I am finished with my studies. It's unclear to me why his parents insist on bringing it up often, since it won't speed up the process. The thing is, if we marry sooner, there's the potential it interferes with my studies, and that's a big concern for me. It seems though that a lot of people manage to handle both (academics, marriage, work, etc.) and seem to be fine with it?

It's on my mind for sure though (his parents commenting on my choices).

There are times when I envision a future where "Everybody Loves Raymond" will be a reality, and I say, "Not happening!".

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are they hoping you support him? Or does he have condescending tendencies as far as your ability to make sound choices?

No, I hope not. He has been successful in his career for quite some time. Having a home and some investment properties, he does fairly well for himself. Financially, his parents appear to be in a good position. In comparison to me, he is in much better shape.

I suppose it can seem a bit condescending on his part to say that he thinks it would be best for me not to acquire a new vehicle at this specific time in my life or when he suggests that "his parents" do not believe that a new vehicle will be a sound purchase.

There is a part of me that thought maybe he is just trying to be pragmatic all in all.

[Els]

His parents sound like the vast majority of parents in my culture (including mine and H's). It's incredibly annoying, sure, but I personally find it manageable by just keeping them at arm's length. For instance, I would NEVER go clothes shopping with my mother or H's mother... because I can definitely foresee a conversation exactly like what you described. 😄H is also better-than-average (relatively speaking) at setting boundaries with his parents. Even with all of that, there are times when parents are a source of conflict for us.

I don't know the cultural context involved with your bf's parents, but if they're anything like the ones I know... you are absolutely correct that they view you as a mini-them, an extension of themselves. In fact, I would go so far as to say that they probably feel some sort of ownership over him (and by extension, you). I get that this sounds horrifying (and it actually IS pretty horrifying, if I view it from an external perspective), but what I'm trying to say is that in some cultures this kind of viewpoint is unfortunately fairly common, so your bf probably doesn't even see anything wrong with it if he was raised in that cultural context.

However, that doesn't mean you have to accept it. In fact, if he isn't at least making some effort to try and break free from their hold, I'd strongly advise that you NOT accept it. It will only get worse if you ever marry.

 

 

Edited December 20, 2022 by Elswyth

[Emilia]

On 12/20/2022 at 5:29 PM, Alpacalia said:

I suppose it can seem a bit condescending on his part to say that he thinks it would be best for me not to acquire a new vehicle at this specific time in my life or when he suggests that "his parents" do not believe that a new vehicle will be a sound purchase.

There is a part of me that thought maybe he is just trying to be pragmatic all in all.

I'm not sure whether you have a sister, but if you did, would you like her boyfriend to speak to her the way your boyfriend spoke to you on that occasion? Was he condescending? I think maybe you need to consider what your relationship will be like with your husband and his mother a few years down the line if he isn't prepared to draw and enforce boundaries. Do you think he is a bit like his mother? It's how I'm reading your posts.

The impression I'm getting from this thread is that you are working pretty hard to fit in and to understand their points of view. Would you say that's mutual?

[Alpacalia]

45 minutes ago, Emilia said:

I'm not sure whether you have a sister, but if you did, would you like her boyfriend to speak to her the way your boyfriend spoke to you on that occasion? Was he condescending? I think maybe you need to consider what your relationship will be like with your husband and his mother a few years down the line if he isn't prepared to draw and enforce boundaries. Do you think he is a bit like his mother? It's how I'm reading your posts.

The impression I'm getting from this thread is that you are working pretty hard to fit in and to understand their points of view. Would you say that's mutual?

Thanks Emilia.

The tone wasn't necessarily condescending. He asked if I would be open to him contributing financially to the car and it was something that has been on his mind. In response, I declined, and I've pretty much given up on getting a new car for the time being.

There was a time recently when I indicated to him that I wasn't concerned about the opinion of his parents regarding the car, for example. "What do you think?" I asked. "Talk for yourself."

I think my concern is more or less that he wants to please his parents, and when they make that impossible it is highly upsetting and frustrating for him. I asked him whether or not he thinks trying to please them (whether it be what I do, or what he does) will actually make anybody happy - them, or him. That's his conflict to resolve.

 

Edited December 29, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Acacia98]

All I can think is that whatever's happening right now, it's likely to get more intense if you marry/move in together because there'll be less room for you to maneuver. If it's important to him to please his parents, you will feel that more when your lives are more intertwined. If his mother disregards basic boundaries, she will (try to) violate them more when you're living together/married. If you're starting to feel a bit claustrophobic, you may feel suffocated once you make a longer-term commitment to him. I guess what it comes down to is how fundamental his parent-pleasing tendencies are to who he is.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

 He asked if I would be open to him contributing financially to the car and it was something that has been on his mind. 

Buying a car together is an entirely different scenario. Agree that buying a car together at this point is a bad idea.

If it was you buying your own car with your budget and tastes, then his or his parents opinion of that is irrelevant.

But if he was offering to help finance it that's an entirely different situation, one where the parents are being sensible about not buying a car together. 

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Buying a car together is an entirely different scenario. Agree that buying a car together at this point is a bad idea.

If it was you buying your own car with your budget and tastes, then his or his parents opinion of that is irrelevant.

But if he was offering to help finance it that's an entirely different situation, one where the parents are being sensible about not buying a car together. 

He offered to help contribute financially towards the vehicle for me. It would be my car, not a "joint car." He offered after the comments made from his parents. In any event, I am not getting the vehicle.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

He offered to help contribute financially towards the vehicle for me. 

Good you declined. There's no reason to mingle finances or be beholden this early in a relationship. Buy whatever vehicle you want and that suits you and your budget. 

Wait until there's a solid commitment such as an engagement until you consider commingling finances or accepting loans.

Why would he offer this? Were you having car trouble or financial issues to fix it?

[Alpacalia]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Good you declined. There's no reason to mingle finances or be beholden this early in a relationship. Buy whatever vehicle you want and that suits you and your budget. 

Wait until there's a solid commitment such as an engagement until you consider commingling finances or accepting loans.

Why would he offer this? Were you having car trouble or financial issues to fix it?

Thanks.

No, no car trouble. The vehicle I have now is perfectly fine. I have been thinking about getting a new one though. I suppose it makes sense not to when I can be saving money instead. He offered to help so that I could save money if was going to go ahead and purchase it.

[FMW]

It's important to deal with things from the beginning the way you plan to continue.  Looking from the outside in, I would say you need to make it clear to your boyfriend that you don't want his parents' opinions to carry such weight on any choices that you make as a couple, and certainly not YOUR choices.  That means communicating it actively, not passively letting things go or going along.  

Whether he's ok having his parents influence his decisions to a great degree, or whether he's just not strong enough to stand up to them respectfully, you will need to be clear that you do not want to live that way.  

Until you feel you're on the same page with this, definitely do not accept financial assistance from him for any reason, it was the right move to not take him up on his offer.  That would have put you in a position to feel like you owed him something and would have made it more likely for you to feel you have to let his/his parents' opinions determine what you do.  

Don't let anyone talk you into getting married one second before you are ready to do so.  It's much more difficult to handle control issues when you are legally bound.  That issue will also almost certainly increase if you have children.  

 

[stillafool]

On 12/20/2022 at 12:29 PM, Alpacalia said:

It's unclear to me why his parents insist on bringing it up often, since it won't speed up the process.

This is because they want you guys to get the baby train on track so they can have grandkids ASAP.  Is he an only child?