He hates me and I ruined every chance

[Siuuu]

Hi All,

We are both 22 and met on hinge back in june things were going fine at first. Then I started becoming the problem due to my BPD unfortunately I was unmedicated throughout the whole relationship. I did very bad to him, he said he was the victim of my BPD. There was one incident where I scratched him and left a mark on because we were fighting over food I scratched him because he grabbed my purse and was gonna throw it out with my phone faced down. I was not going to let that happen, I have no money to replace my phone. There was another incident where I threw flowers at him my insecurities got to me because he got me yellow flowers. I was very stupid and I gave him a gift card as an apology. The next time I got mad for no reason and I threw a shake in his car and the next day I drove back to clean it and I bought him food. The last time I threw water at him because he abandoned me and started calling me very mean names in a unknown park. He actually bruised my lip there and broke one of my finger nails. He also threw water 2x worse at me. When we got back to his apartment he kicked me out forcefully grabbing and insulting me badly then I had to keep knocking on his door because  my car got towed. He actually agreed to take me to get my car back and said I deserved it I feel he got me towed, but I got over that. After that I felt awful for ruining our date but at the same time he didn’t have to abandon me and call me horrible names. I pleaded and begged him he said he will press charges against me for harassment. Recently I got him to not press charges on me as I gifted him a few nice things and gave him money and sex. Now again he is the process of a restraining order again. Because last sunday I forgot to take my medication and I didn’t greet him at all when he opened the door I felt angry and he pushed me and hurt my stomach insulting me to leave since I didn’t say hi. Then he said If I give him oral sex he will not press charges. I did it and before leaving we fought again and again he kicked me out telling me to die and how disgusting I am he said he hopes I get into accident on my way home. I’ve been crying so much I’ve talked to my therapist but it hasn’t worked. I am still texting him he replied yesterday saying I am forcing him to block me and that he will block me now. I texted him a few times today and he didn’t block me but didn’t reply to me. I know I need to move on and work on myself but I am lonely and have zero self esteem. I would let him use me for sex and treat me badly. I have a christmas present to give to him he laughed and called me a loser. He said he never wants to meet or hear from again but I can’t stop texting him. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t cope with this pain anymore. It’s ruining my life.

Edited December 13, 2022 by Siuuu

[ExpatInItaly]

This is horribly toxic, abusive relationship. 

You need to stop all contact with him or you are going to wind up in legal hot water. Forget the Christmas present - donate it or give it away to a deserving friend or family member.

What does your therapist make of your attachment to this abusive man? 

[glows]

4 hours ago, Siuuu said:

I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t cope with this pain anymore. It’s ruining my life.

Do the opposite. Stop texting him and occupy yourself with something else. Do you have any hobbies? 

Be honest with yourself about your meds and take them. Set an alarm on your phone if you need to each day so it reminds you. You seem to always have your phone. Harassing him or sending him texts and calls isn’t going to make him love you. He doesn’t respect you and uses/abuses you and takes advantage of you. 

The next time you feel the urge to contact him, don’t. Post here, write in a private journal, sketch or draw, exercise, make a good meal. Keep doing something else until you break the habit.

[JTSW]

If you are not already in therapy I strongly recommend you do so. 

You are both responsible for such a toxic relationship and both of your behaviour towards each other was abusive.

This is not one sided here.

OP, you really need to wake up and take care of your health better.

Forgetting important medication is extremely irresponsible and dangerous. 

Forget this guy. He doesn't want anything to do with you.

Focus on you. 

 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Siuuu said:

 he said he will press charges against me for harassment. . Now again he is the process of a restraining order again. 

Are you employed? Do you have health insurance? Are you under the care of a psychiatrist? A restraining order goes on your record, so it would be best to call your psychiatrist asap for a reevaluation or a mental health crisis line to talk to someone and to let them get you the help you need.

[mark clemson]

14 hours ago, Siuuu said:

Then he said If I give him oral sex he will not press charges.

Just FYI, this is extortion and in the US is a crime in many jurisdictions (if you can prove it with court-admissible evidence). Only a lawyer in your own jurisdiction could advise you on whether it could be prosecutable there and what evidence might be required.

Overall, yeah, you sound like you're very much in an abusive relationship. Nor do you sound like you're in a place psychologically where you're ready for a relationship at all, at least not without treatment for BPD.

[ShyViolet]

You are not ready to date anyone until you get your mental health under control.  You say you have a therapist, what about a psychiatrist?  That needs to be your focus.  Your dynamic with this guy is completely toxic and you need to cut him out of your life for good.