Is real love worth it?

[weezers]

My husband and i have been married for four years and have two children, one together, one is mine. We dated in high school and he was my "first love", we went our separate ways for a while and dated other people. i ended up getting pregnant and the father and i were not going to be together. i started dating my current husband again and when he asked me to marry him, i knew in my heart that it wasnt what i wanted, in fact i even asked my mother not to let me go through with it but i was young, naive, scared that my babies father was going to get custody of her because i was a single, jobless mom, and that noone else would ever love a girl with a kid and i thought i could rekindle the love i once felt for him. well, needless to say, it's never happened, i care for him of course but more like a distant friend, not even a good one. i've left a couple times but have always been guilted into coming back and then i got pregnant. i was so depressed because i felt truly stuck because now it was his child and was on antidepressants during my pregnancy. i felt that i should try and make things work and have stuck with it and tried for four years but there is still nothing there. i'm scared to leave because i have an awesome home, i get to stay home with my children, we have money in the bank, basically everything we need. my husband and i have nothing in common and i'm not myself with him, he shows no interest in my life or who i am and we fight constantly about how strict he is with my daughter but it's a livable situation, he doesnt beat me or drink excessivley or anything truly horrible. i feel like a snively brat because i know i'm truly lucky to have all i do but i'm still not happy in this relationship. should i uproot my children, risk everything i have, just because i dont love my husband? is MAYBE someday finding true love or even being along for the rest of my life worth the risk? i'm only 26, can i expect to go on like this for the next fourty+ years? or should i just bite the bullet now while i'm still young and my kids are still young(5years and 16 months)? i desperatly need some advice, and would appreciate any insight anyone might have for me. thank you in advance.

[lostgirl26]

Well I myself am not sure what to tell you. I am in a similar situation, no children though. I am 27 and have been married 6 years. I was in love with my husband but so much has happened that I cannot forgive him for a lot of the things that have happened. He never cheated and neither did I but he is not trustworthy to me anymore. I kind of had a hunch and had signs from the very beginning that it would be this way, but I ignored them to hurt someone else that did a hurtful thing to me in the past.

 

The only thing I can tell you is you deserve to be happy, its not selfish to think the way you are, those are only thoughts of honest feelings you are having. Try to maybe make a list of the pros and cons of staying and leaving. It will be hard to leave either way, but you need to be honest with yourself and with him. Talk to a counselor about how to deal with your feelings or if you decide it is best for you to leave how to deal with talking to your children and making it a smoother transition for all of you. Limit who you discuss this with as in only people you trust and may be productive in your predicament. Its really not fair in the long run to stay in a relationship just because of your children or that things are easier because of money and all. Those things will be very tough in the beginning but you will find that you have more strength than you thought and will begin to see that you will make it through all this and that you may find your "soulmate" with someone else afterall. I wish you the best of luck and keep us updated.

 

-Lost

[scobro]

It sounds like you are really a prisoner in your own home.You have a nice home and money that I would guess he provides for you and the kids so really you cannot leave due to money being a lack of it on your part.I would sit your husband down and be honest with how you feel it might surprise you maybe he wants out of the situation also but doesn't know how to handle it.Talk to him and be honest you have nothing to lose and hapiness to gain.

[Mz. Pixie]

Is true love worth it? Yeah, if you're able to find it.

 

I left my exhusband and divorced him after years of neglect. I ended up meeting a wonderful man and remarrying. It's unbelievable the relationship that we have. The divorce was extremely painful and I still feel guilty about what I did to my kids in that.

 

Personally though, yes. Every bit of the pain that I went through it was worth it just to be able to experience what I have now. There is no amount of money that will replace being in the arms of the person that you love every night. I'd never been treated or loved like I'm loved now so even if things ended tomorrow I'd say it was all worth it.

[tonyp56]

You need to figure out what you want. You can't go through life jumping ship every-time you're the least bit unhappy. You say that your relationship with your husband isn't that good, well make it the marriage that you want. Life is what we make of it, if your life sucks, then you made it that way.

 

I am sorry, I don't agree with everyone else here, you married this man, you said you'd stay through worst or best, and if you go back on it now, you will never be happy. If you aren't happy with him, then how do you know you'll ever be happy without him?

 

You need to work on yourself first, you need to figure out what it is that you want to be happy, and you need to stop giving excuses as to why you married this man. No one held a gun to your head and said "Marry him or else!", you married him on your own, if you didn't think it would have worked you should have said "No I won't marry you". Now it is too late to sit there and say, "i knew in my heart that it wasn't what i wanted," and it is time for you to take some responsibility and make your marriage work.

 

Perhaps it is my own personal experience that has made me this way, but I am so sick and tired of people wanting to end there marriage because they think that the grass is greener on the other side. It isn't, and even if it was, you gave a promise to this man to be his wife, you didn't say, "As long as I love you, or as long as you do everything I want you too" you said "I do!" Maybe it was a mistake, but it is too late to go back on it now. You have to make this work, follow through with what you promised.

 

You say that he is a distant friend to you, well, make him closer. Allow yourself to open up to him. If he isn't giving you want you want, perhaps if you gave him some attention, maybe he'd do the same back to you. Work the problem, don't let the problem work you. Fix what is wrong and go on. If he was beating you, or abusing you in some other way, I wouldn't be telling you to work it out. But you are saying that you don't love him, actually, you are saying that you didn't love him in the beginning, but who's fault is that? Yours, you can have love for him, but you never allowed yourself to relax and let yourself fall in love with this man that you, yourself married.

 

 

Sorry so blunt, but you really need to take responsibility for the choices that you made. You made them, no one else, and you need to figure out how to make those choices work.

[Mz. Pixie]

Sometimes people have tried everything and still can't get the other person to wake up and work on the marriage. I certainly didn't just jump ship. I was unhappy for a LONG time and my exhusband had blinders on. He actually told me he was TOO BUSY to work on our marriage!

[mlchris2]

I'm going to jump aboard on this one.

 

my situation is... I did somethings that my wife didnt agree with. she confronted me on it, we planned to work it out, but she came right out and told me that she isnt changing, so this continued for 7 years. Finally after influence from friends (I believe) and in part that she was kinda fed up, she kicked me out and wants to now divorce. We truely have never worked things out. We are both stubborn as hell and always point the blame at the other person. I have been to a councelor, become my active in my church and am doing everything I can to REALLY TRY TO GET OUR RELATIONSHIP WORKING AGAIN, cause it isnt too late. My wife is full of hatered towards me and is taking it out on the kids, her family, everyone except her friends. She doesnst or wont talk to me. she doenst want to go to counceling. So here I am pouring my heart out to this woman that I truely and sorry and that I love her very much that I'm to the point if I cant spend the rest of my life with her, I will truely be crushed. I've cried every night becuase I know I screwed up and I miss her. Whenever I see her, I just want to grab her and hold her tight and never let her go, I want to tell her how I feel and how I would like things to be. She just wont let me in.....

 

I'm in the middle on this one. You shouldnt be unhappy. You really need to sit down with your husband and have a kid free un-interupted conversation. Tell him how you feel and ask him to do the same. You might hear some things that make you mad or sad, but thats what communication is all about. The conversation needs to be calm, both of you need to be level headed and adult. It makes it worse when one person is mad and thats when people start saying things they dont mean.

 

Start working things out. Couseling might be good for your relationship. Give it a shot. If after some counseling and if you and your husband truely are working at the relationship and either of you are un-happy, then I would say divorce might be for you.

[FWIW]

I am sorry... you married this man, you said you'd stay through worst or best, and if you go back on it now, you will never be happy.

 

No one held a gun to your head and said "Marry him or else!", you married him on your own, if you didn't think it would have worked you should have said "No I won't marry you". Now it is too late to sit there and say, "i knew in my heart that it wasn't what i wanted," and it is time for you to take some responsibility and make your marriage work.

 

... I am so sick and tired of people wanting to end there marriage because they think that the grass is greener on the other side. It isn't, and even if it was, you gave a promise to this man to be his wife, you didn't say, "As long as I love you, or as long as you do everything I want you too" you said "I do!" Maybe it was a mistake, but it is too late to go back on it now. You have to make this work, follow through with what you promised.

 

... you really need to take responsibility for the choices that you made. You made them, no one else, and you need to figure out how to make those choices work.

 

I think that's all a bit too harsh! Maybe it would be suitable for some people who simply aren't taking their commitments seriously, but not when the love is clearly dead (or never really alive in the first place). When vows have been made by someone not truly in a stable enough state of mind to make them, even the catholic church will eventually grant an annulment.

 

A marriage should be something you BOTH value, and want to work at as required. It should NOT be a life sentence to be ENDURED no matter what, if you honestly realise that you've made a mistake and there's a fundamental mismatch that you simply cannot ignore any more. No point point being a martyr and wasting your life - we only get one go on this planet. If it's broken beyond repair AND YOU'RE SURE ABOUT THAT, then toss it out and start again. Life's too short to deny yourself what you need, and carry on kidding your partner - which denies THEM what they deserve too. Nobody wins from prolonging a broken marriage. If there is some love left, or if some love can be magicked back, then by all means work at it. If not, it's over.

 

Don't cling on to a barely tolerable rut for fear of moving on. You musn't confuse a want-for-nothing comfortable lifestyle with the actual marriage itself. The marriage is wholly about you and your partner - nothing more, nothing less. A good or bearable lifestyle is another matter. Whatever happens, you'll adjust and cope. Life's what you make it. It's in your hands. If you can see a path open to you and you know it's probably possible, don't let fear hold you back. You KNOW you can do it if you put your mind to it.

Good luck!

[tonyp56]

Mz. Pixie and FWIW,

 

I understand what both of you are saying, however, there is marriages that neither person "Loves" the other when they get married, and they some how stay married 40 and 50 years, and they are not all prisons! I agree with you, my biggest point is that the OP should stop giving excuses, and really try. It doesn't sound like she ever tried, she didn't love him but married him, she has never told him this, and now she wants out. It IMO doesn't sound like she has ever tried.

 

Of course, sometimes it isn't meant to be, but she should at least try to make this work. Marriage shouldn't be something that we can run out and do and be able to get out of real easy.

 

When I said, jump ship, I didn't mean Pixie that you or anyone else doesn't put up with stuff. I was trying to make a point about how so many things that people get divorced for, are things that could be worked out, if both parties would try. You say your husband more or less didn't care, I don't blame you for ending your marriage, I mean you did try. You told him it wasn't working and he told you he was too busy. That is different than this situation, yes she stayed, but what in her post points to you that she has worked on things?

 

To stay, and not change anything, isn't trying, that is just staying.

 

To the OP, I am sorry if I am too harsh, but my only reason for it is perhaps you will realize what you are talking about. And if you decide to get a divorce, you'll know for sure that is what you want to do. If you don't' realize the negatives, and you get a divorce, then 6 months from now you may see something you didn't think about, and you may be hurt. I am sorry, I didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings, I just read your story, and it touched a nerve in me. It is my opinion, that you should try, change things in your relationship, don't cut and run just yet. Give it a shot, if anything it would give you more time to prepare. But to truly change things, don't go into it thinking you are going to leave in the end, but go at it with a open mind.

[ktmrider]

I'm sorry but you sound like my wife. You have a husband that is a provider but you do not love him. Why the heck did you marry him? It's just wrong. Now, you will potentially ruin his life and yours.

 

If you don't love him, you need to let him know that and move on. It's not fair for both of you to be in a marriage that you feel that it's not right.

 

My wife feels that I've neglected her for over 14 years. She knows that I love her and have been a great provider at everything except her emotional needs. I'm not going to disagree with her but why do you women wait so long? Why marry when you have issues at the beginning? Do you ladies think that you can change us overnight?