Can't stand that idea that she's spreading a false narrative

[Rob_Earnshaw]

My girlfriend of 4 years and 3 months broke up with me 3 weeks ago, more or less blindsiding me and leaving me heartbroken. I was 27 and she was nearly 26 when we got together, btw. It was a great romance, I was smitten when I first made eye contact with her. The first 3 years were great, even though Covid halted us in many ways like everyone else. We both lived at home, I wasn't allowed stay in her house and she wouldn't stay in mine. So, you can imagine the physical part of our relationship went off when Covid hit a year and a half into our relationship. We decided we wanted to live together.

I could tell early on in our relationship that she was a bit selfish. Not overly, but a bit. After the initial 6 months, we would do what she wanted to do most of the time. I wasn't bothered because I loved her and was happy as long as I saw her. This became a problem later in the relationship, I'll get to that. So when we decided we wanted to live together, she didn't want to rent despite my suggesting it'd be a good move. And she wanted me to search for a mortgage by myself because she didn't want to lose her first time buyers discount, wanting to buy her mothers house in a few years. Fine, I naively agreed to all of that. I spent 9 months unsuccessfully trying to get a mortgage by myself before she finally decided to apply with me 9 months later in May of 2021. We were of course granted a sizeable mortgage and immediately signed up for a newly built house in a newly built development that was due to be completed in June 2022, it wasn't. And that's where the problems started.

After being locked down for much of 2020, we had a great summer in 2021. Everything seemed great, I was so happy with this woman. She's a teacher, so she's normally busy getting acclimated to everything for the first few weeks of September so I'm used to her being absent for the first few weeks of September, I used leave her to it and saw her when we could. But this kept going into October to the point where I actually broke down to a friend. Saying we don't see each other, we don't do anything, etc. They suggested I say something, I didn't, wrong move. We signed house contracts in October and a week later went away on our first post-Covid holiday.

Since we came back from that holiday, I've been miserable a lot of the time. Not miserable with her, miserable with the relationship. She done a complete 180, and her selfishness took a turn. In the summer of 2021, she had booked a really expensive girls-trip to the other side of the world. I had no problem with it at the time, even though I was the one who was saving my ass off for the house and the one who was actually buying it. My problem started when she started saying "we're buying a house" as a response to my suggestion to do anything where we had to spend money. Between the holiday we returned from at the end of October 2021 and that girls tip in April 2021, we went on one night away together. She started neglecting me and our relationship once she got what she wanted, the house. 

Not seeing each other, not doing anything, etc. continued up until the summer of 2022. My access to her would be calling to her once or twice a week to her house at 8 o clock at night until 12 (towards the end, it became a once a week affair), with the odd exception around April when I started voicing my opinion. She wouldn't come to my house, another selfish thing she did. Another neglectful thing she began was this. And I never wanted to make an argument out of it because it would be taken out of context. But if one of her friends snapped their fingers for her to do anything, she'd do it. I work shift work, so I could often be working up until a Saturday morning from a Friday night, or all day Saturday. She would once a month go drinking with their friends, stay drinking in their house until 5 or 6 in the morning (29/30 year old woman, btw), sleep in their house and hang around until 5 or 6 the following evening. Not even giving herself enough of a rest to give me any of her energy. Problem was she never knew I was unhappy with any of this, she still doesn't. I'd just get in a bad mood, which she'd notice and worry about.

The summer was great and all of that stuff went away. We had a lot on due to newly planned stuff and stuff brought forward from 2021. I thought the previous 6 months were just a blip and I was ready to marry this woman by the end of the summer. At the end of August, she booked 2 nights for us at a hotel during the school break at the beginning of November. We had stayed there in the summer of 2021 and she had hinted at a romantic spot there being a good proposal spot. That was the plan, but I never even got around to buying a ring.

September went on and it was even worse than the previous year, I was miserable and depressed by the end of October and it came off in the worst possible way to her. I could tell the energy was off between us so went against the proposal plans. We had a fight due to my mood right before going, she said she was worried about our future. The next week was tense at times, including when we were down there. 2 weeks later, she broke up with me saying I'm constantly in a negative mood, complaining about stuff and it's draining for her and she had been harbouring these views for a year.

If that's true, she's strung me along through a very expensive year, right? And she cancelled the house, oh yeah, the house. We never actually lived together, ain't that sad? I tried suggesting that the house and the frustrations of not living together were what made this year tough. Even during subsequent talks I never threw daggers at her about the previous year like she done to me. I mentioned about not seeing each other enough, but that's it.

But I wish I had, because she had already made up her mind. And now the narrative about our breakup at least to anyone who hears it from her side is that "damsel in distress type scenario", when its far from the truth. Should I just be the bigger person and contain my thoughts? We have mutual friends, that's why this is important to me.

Edited December 13, 2022 by Rob_Earnshaw

[basil67]

Sorry to hear it didn't work out.   However, there's no reason you shouldn't tell your friends your side of the story.  And for what it's worth, when listening to breakup stories, most of us know that there is "Her side, his side and the truth". If they know you as a good guy, they aren't going to be blindly trusting all she says.  

That said, if part of her narrative is that you weren't communicating, it sounds like she's right on the money. Staying in a relationship where you're not happy, but also not communicating what's wrong is not fair to either party. Perhaps getting your thoughts out to your friends would be a good start in communication

[Rob_Earnshaw]

Well I have gotten some of it out to friends and family, but I haven't told most of them I was actually miserable for much of the year. I actually refused to believe that part until recently. I also got some of it out to one of her friends around the time we signed the contracts for last year, but I swore her to secrecy. She told me to tell her, and I never really did. I mean, I addressed some stuff without making a big issue out of it. Like I addressed us not doing anything together when she came back from that expensive girls holiday and for a few weeks we went on long spins around the country to spend time together and grab something to eat, but it went back to normal a few weeks later.

Yeah, communication was always hit and miss on my end, she'd always bring that up as an issue. I can admit that. I have a shy, introverted personality and I bottle things up. But this year, she wasn't great either. She told me when she broke up that she had been having doubts about us for a year as well as other reasons including compatibility and being on the same page, and never thought to bring them up as an issue until the breakup.

I should've mentioned in my post. But we have mutual friends, we were introduced by a married couple (I'm friends with the husband, she's friends with the wife), and over the years both our friend groups have mingled to the point where she's actually become good friends with the wife of another one of my friend. So my issue is also that her narrative will be getting back to my friends.  

[JTSW]

It's time to stop hiding in the shadows and speak up.

Communication is key in relationships but you bottled it all up.

If you had spoken up to her about being unhappy in the relationship and the things that bothered you, maybe she could've done something about it.

Time to find your shiny spine.

[Rob_Earnshaw]

21 minutes ago, JTSW said:

If you had spoken up to her about being unhappy in the relationship and the things that bothered you, maybe she could've done something about it.

Yeah, probably. In my mind, my issues were never actually going to be relationship-ending, though. And I always believed they were all a symptom of not living together, which is why I couldn't wait for us to move into our house. She could've communicated to me that she had serious doubts at some point other than when we were breaking up. If what she said was true, this woman held onto these thoughts at various points throughout the year. A heads up would've been nice. Instead I just feel like I've been strung along through a very very expensive year. 

But, I'll live and I'll learn I guess. It was my first relationship, and it was a long one but I was probably a little bit too naive letting stuff slide that bothered me throughout while openly sweating the small stuff. 

[JTSW]

34 minutes ago, Rob_Earnshaw said:

this woman held onto these thoughts at various points throughout the year. A heads up would've been nice. Instead I just feel like I've been strung along through a very very expensive year. 

But so did you.

You held on to these thoughts too.

[Rob_Earnshaw]

For the most part I did, but I did address some of them. Maybe not in an aggressive way, but enough that she should've taken noticed. "Can we do something? we haven't done anything in ages?", "Can I see you before 8 o'clock, I feel like we only see each other after it", "I always call too your house". Like, I did address it. I left the neglectful things alone because her friends were involved and I didn't want to make that kind of argument.

But she withheld very important information. We signed contracts for a house last October and according to her during the breakup last month she has had doubts about living with and our future since. That would've been nice information to know a year ago. Maybe I wouldn't have sweated such small stuff. Instead she strung me along through a very expensive year. 

I understand my role in the breakup, I just hate the fact she doesn't understand hers. And I know, that's partly my fault too. I should've just said it during the breakup. 

[Beachead]

@Rob_Earnshaw

I'm sorry this happened to you man. 

I think your thoughts on renting first before getting a mortgage was right.  She pushed it and knowing how much of an investment and a stress it would be, she was dishonest about how she felt the whole time, so you were basically breaking bank, based on a bunch of lies.   Also your needs weren't being addressed.  You wanted to see her more but you two barely spent time together even though you were a couple.  A phone conversation 1-2 times a week and the general distance hurt the relationship.  It's not hard to see why you were upset.  Either, your ex wasn't all that into the relationship to begin with or who she was as a partner wasn't compatible with who you were.

But we can't change the things other people feel, think or end up doing.  Most of why people do what they do is more about them and what happened to them in the past and what's going on in their life, than how you are as a partner.  Sometimes you can be the best you could be, and it still would result in the end of your relationship because of problems on their side.  

You can however, focus on your side and change what you can.

Going forward, you make sure you voice your thoughts and your opinions.  You showed a remarkable amount of patience and understanding but don't withhold just to avoid having an argument or to avoid a breakup.  Stay calm, show restraint if you feel heated, but hold your ground and be firm about how you feel. Your thoughts and your feelings need to be heard too because you're the other party to the relationship after all.  You're important too, you know?  In order for relationships to grow, disagreements and sometimes arguments/fights have to happen.  It's not always going to be pretty.   If a relationship doesn't survive these things, then the relationship was never going to make it anyway and you're better off without it.

You're going to struggle with the breakup for sometime.  It's still fresh.  Your ex might even reach out to you again and this might make harder (Or she may not reach out at all). 

Right now, just let yourself feel what you need to feel.  Don't contact her.  Just pull her off of your social media. Remove her number off your phone.  Transfer all your pictures out of your phone to someplace else.  The idea is to get her presence out of your sight and out of your mind, so that you can begin to grieve and heal.  Your objective is to get over the pain and get yourself back to form.  It'll take time and patience.   Brainstorm what led to the end of the breakup.  Brainstorm the things she did throughout that upset you.  Brainstorm what you liked.  And ask yourself if you still want the relationship so that if she does you'll be prepared to answer to the best of your abilities.

Stay strong 

- Beach

 

[Rob_Earnshaw]

@MisterFeather

Yep, I know. I wish I showed more fight then, but it was my first relationship. I know why she didn't want to do it, because she wasn't in the best position financially (which didn't change throughout our time together), and rent in our city is extortionate. But I would've helped her if needed. To be fair to her, towards the start of 2021 her sister and husband who had been living in their Moms garden in a chalet had moved into their newly built house next door and she asked me if I'd like to do the same thing as them. I declined, not wanting to impose any more on her mother after her sister and partner had been living in that situation for the best part of 5 years. I should've took her up on that offer. The rent would've been cheap. But again, it was only for her convenience.

And yeah, it's so weird what she done. Nobody can understand it, not her friends, not mine, no-one. At no point could you have looked at us together and thought we were a couple in trouble, we looked so happy, but she had been hiding these feelings that popped up at various points throughout the year. And I know when they popped up, they popped up when I felt I was getting neglected and instead of saying something, which I should've, I'd just be in a mood and make up that it was about something else. That's what she done, she neglected me and the relationship all year. 

Nothing against her friends because it wasn't their fault, but she was more concerned with doing stuff with them. All they had to do was click their fingers. Anything with me then needed a long-run up, or a desperate plea.

I'm treating the whole thing as a learning experience. I know what I need to do now in my next relationship. She was a lovely girl, my first love and 90% of our time together was great. Of course she showed some selfish and immature traits at times, but she was 25 when we started going out. That girl I started going out with in 2018 who was beautiful, funny and bubbly started changing from the summer of 2021, she still possessed those traits in patches with neglectfulness and anger on top of it. She'll probably say the same about me, but all I got was little bit more mature because I was buying a fricken house. 

Cheers pal. 

[glows]

You’ve called her immature but weren’t you as well for being persuaded to take out a mortgage with someone you deemed selfish from the start?

It may have been an expensive year but no one put a gun to your head or forced you to take on what you did financially. Take this with a grain of salt and let her go - not much is needed to be discussed.

She had one foot out the door and it seems also that you both attempted to take on more than you could chew. There was no proposal or talk of having kids or anything else after living together? The goal for her appears to have been securing property but she realized you were too negative to live with. Also recognize some people have uncannily poor problem solving skills and tend to run rather than solve problems. Unfortunately you both didn’t communicate or try to work things out as the problems unfolded. The financial burden of the mortgage broke the both of you and it didn’t work.

[Rob_Earnshaw]

@glows

Immature, no. Maybe I was a bit naive, but we had been together nearly 2 years at that point and were both in our late 20s. I didn't say she was selfish from the start, just early on. Maybe 6-8 months in, but nothing that screamed red flag that was going to bite me on the ass over 3 years later. Like if we went out, we went when she wanted to go, and where, most of the time.

Nobody put a gun to my head, but I didn't know the relationship was in trouble either. Nobody did. I don't even think she did until recently. Like, she says she has had doubts for the past year. I take that with a grain of salt. There was two moments at the beginning of the year, and one big moment in October that made her think about those other moments. That's my theory anyway. Because you couldn't have watched us all summer and think there's a couple in trouble, as I said. And the reason those moments happened was because I was feeling neglected and then maybe something else would happen that would pile on top of me. But, it's my fault, I should've just communicated that with her from the start instead of letting it continue. I'm sure it would've just led to a fight, but would've been solved.

I definitely took on more than I could chew with college anyway, was a lot of stress I added to myself at this stage of life with a full-time job, but it's a decision I have to live with. There was proposal talk the whole time we were together. I was given a warning when she was 28 that she wanted to be engaged by the time she was 30 which was August this year. When it was clear the house wasn't going to be ready by then, we agreed that it wouldn't make sense for me to propose to her before then. The house isn't due to be ready until March or April next year. Then a few weeks after she turned 30, she was in a bad way and said the house is taking too long and wanted to be engaged before it. I agreed... and if you read the original post, I had planned it in my head. But the vibes were just so off between us, I started having doubts. Hard to admit, but I was having doubts myself, but I was willing to work through things. And yeah, there was talk of kids. 

Yep, that was the problem. The misguided narrative that I was negative. And I told her that when we broke up, after all the reasons she listed, I said the one reason we're breaking up is because this year has been stressing us both the f*** out over the mortgage. That's it. If the house was ready on time, we'd probably be there. Of course, her answer to that would be that maybe it's a good thing it was delayed.

Cheers for the input. 

 

Edited December 15, 2022 by Rob_Earnshaw

[glows]

Regarding the “narrative”, everyone has their side of the story. I’d let go of attempting to control what others think or say.

If they’re going to think poorly of you (so-called friends or mutual acquaintances) I wouldn’t bother correcting them. I’m assuming she has the ability to remain respectful towards you and if she doesn’t all the more reason to step away. She can be nasty towards you all she likes but know also bitter and angry people who look to smearing others eventually get what’s coming to them. They just bury themselves in their own bitterness and sadness.

Distance yourself from your ex and anyone who chooses to align themselves closely, gossips, and so on. Focus more on moving on with your life and being around more positive people you relate to. 

[Rob_Earnshaw]

@glows

We were introduced by a married couple and over the years both our friend groups have mingled, so I'd consider her friends more than acquaintances to me. According to the husband of that married couple who is one of my best friends, his wife and the rest of her circle just don't understand why she broke up with me, they don't see where she's coming from. But I'd love to hear from them rather than second hand reassurance from him. 

Pretty hard to distance myself from her totally. I can disassociate myself from that circle, outside of my friend obviously, even though I do quite like them. But we live in a small city, people get drunk, so there's always a chance we end up in the same places. She's also weirdly decided she still wants to be friends with the wife of another one of my best friends. Got to witness their entire night out on Instagram at the weekend. 

It's hard to distance myself from people I have to be around, like the wives of two of my best friends, unfortunately. 

Edited December 15, 2022 by Rob_Earnshaw

[glows]

I empathize but do it anyway. It’s not particularly healthy checking her Instagram. She’s entitled to posting and doing what she likes around town. So are you. Less emphasis on her is what I mean and more on your own independent ongoing. 

Mind you, I understand all this is extremely easy to sit around and say and very hard to do when going through the process. My ex-husband and I were together for a number of years and had long relationships with his family members also being part of my life. All this comes with time. It’s day by day and bit by bit continuing to live your life freely from these people. Why confine yourself to this small town? Is it remote or are you able to travel, check out other activities in surrounding areas? Try new hobbies?

[Rob_Earnshaw]

@glows

It's not her Instagram at all, I've her muted. It's my friend's wife who she's decided she's going to remain friends with. Bit weird, but none of my business really if my friend's wife decided she still wants to be friends with her, or vice-versa. Reckon it was the latter. Guess I should just delete Instagram, and social media, to be honest.

It's not really a small town, just a small city. Like 300+ thousand people, but the city centre is small. So there's always a chance of running into her around the place. It's still fresh, I just need to get over Christmas and into January and work on myself. Hopefully in time, this need to know people's opinions on it will stop. 

[glows]

Agree on deleting her contact on social media and so on. There’s the thought that a person is childish or insecure deleting a contact but I believe that is misguided. It’s healthy to change and alter boundaries when a situation has changed. You’re no longer friends nor dating. As you’ve seen there are no rules to moving on. Some may gossip and slander and others delete. You do what puts you in the best situation to move forwards and steer clear of anyone rude enough to presume they know anything about your previous relationship. 

I think this will fade. The more you get into a routine of focusing on your own life, the less what these people think will matter. Your friend’s wife might be having issues in her own marriage/life and so on and problems of her own. They may not even be talking about you. A break up always causes some insecurity in nearly everyone. This is part and parcel of it but ride it out like you say and keep on track with your commitments and other things important to you.

[Bl8ckMamba24]

Let it be you have no choice... It probably burns you because you still care for her.. once you get over it all it won't matter to you with what she says. But it's normal for individuals to lie about what actually happened.

[flitzanu]

word of advice.  you no longer have "mutual friends" now that she dumped you.  you have your friends that were YOUR friends before you met her, and you have people that you know because of her.

it saves a lot of time if you just cut her friends out of your life instead of waiting for them to eventually stop talking to you.

[Rob_Earnshaw]

@flitzanu

Unfortunately, this can't entirely be the case. I looked back, and don't think I mentioned it in the original post. One of my best friends is married to one of hers, that's how we were introduced. We were introduced 6 months before they got married and got together at their wedding where we were a groomsman and bridesmaid, respectively. And while I didn't know her, I knew the rest of their group. While I can distance myself from her other friends. I can't exactly distance myself from my friend's wife. And over the years, my friend and I have mainly socialised within their circle so I'm going to hear about her or see her. She's also weirdly determined to stay friends with the wife of another friend of mine. I'm in a tough situation. 

[flitzanu]

well, all i can say is, the only control you have is YOUR actions.

you can't control who your ex is friends with or who your friends are friends with, but you control who YOU are friends with.

if your "friends" are in contact with someone that is causing you pain, that's not being a very good friend to you.  

ultimately this "couple" will realize that it is not ideal and won't want to be in the middle, and they will ultimately choose either you or her because no one is going to spend time and years of their life trying to accommodate two people that don't want to be around each other.

which goes back to what you can control.  YOU can control not being around your ex.  i can only tell you from experience, set your ego aside, and do your best to literally erase her existence from your life or you'll never fully move forward.

[Beachead]

@Rob_Earnshaw

Quote

 I'm in a tough situation. 

It's tough but the solution is all the same.   

I've been through a couple of horrible breakups and I was never able to move forward with my exes in my life.  Never.  Boy it did slow the process down to a crawl.  I was tied to a mix of mutual friends as well and in one particular example, just like you, I initially tried to heal without disconnecting from the crowd.  Problem was, I was never really mentally free from her.  Seeing or hearing about her from the group reopened wounds.  I'd see her at mutual events.  Parties.  I was worried anything I did or said would travel back to her, including dating someone else so I had to constantly watch myself.  It holds you back because you're constantly thinking about her, even if you don't want a relationship. 

It wasn't until I cut the ex out and dropped that crowd that I was finally able to genuinely move forward.   

One way or another, you're going to struggle, but you can choose how long you want to prolong that struggle.  If you try to do it this way, it's going to drain you much longer than it normally would have, until you finally tap out from exhaustion, and do it eventually anyway.  By then, 3-4 years of your life could have passed by, along with the opportunities that came your way that you missed or messed up, because your mind was fixated on this. 

So matter how unreasonable or unfair or difficult it might all seem to you, full disconnection really is your smoothest way to recovery. 

Don't say you can't.  You can.   You're just unwilling to do it for yourself.  This is about loving yourself, being a good friend to yourself.

Take care of you and do what needs to be done.

- Feather

[Rob_Earnshaw]

UPDATE.

Thought I could just edit my original post, but I'll post it here. 

So the mutual friend thing really came back to bite me in the ass Christmas Eve. And before I start, no I'm not going to not be friends with one of my best friends who's married to one of hers, and vice versa. I don't know if I mentioned, but my friend and his wife moved up by me last summer is did another couple from her circle of friends.

Christmas Eve tradition is going for a drink in the local with friends, and I wasn't intending on changing that this year. I was aware my friend was going to be there with his wife and that other couple, its there local now too. I was prepared for it. I was there about an hour after a couple of drinks with two of the lads when one of them noticed my phone ringing. It was my friend who's married to hers. One of the lads joked that he's ringing to tell me that my ex is coming. Well, wasn't his assumptions right. I answered the phone and he felt he had to tell me she was coming along with the girl from the other couple, his wife knew nothing about it. He was as angry as I was. I was with her 4 years, she went to that pub once and never drank on Christmas Eve. My friend's wife rang her to tell her that she couldn't come up because I was there, she said she was going anyway. I was ready to leave, to which my friends told me that would be the worst thing I could do. The friend who rang me didn't want to be near her and neither did the partner of the other girl, they didn't know what she was playing at. She sat over the other side of the pub, I didn't see her. And basically separated two couples for a few hours just to get a rise out of me, by the looks of it? 

My friends warned me that as much as I don't like it, I am going to have to get used to seeing her again. Now isn't the time and she's ridiculous for doing what she did, but in the future. They're right. I got myself into that situation, I've to live with it. 

Edited December 28, 2022 by Rob_Earnshaw

[stillafool]

Well hopefully the next time she sees you out it will be with a date.  Then she'll get the message that you've moved on.

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, Rob_Earnshaw said:

. My friend's wife rang her to tell her that she couldn't come up because I was there, she said she was going anyway. 

Both you and she can go anywhere you want. There's no point trying to restrict her activities or enlisting friends in this.

Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Ask your friends to discontinue telling you about her.

Eventually you'll have to move on and become more indifferent to the situation.

[Rob_Earnshaw]

@Wiseman2

I didn't enlist them to tell her she shouldn't go. I was just freaking out, so that was their solution I guess. And I don't think it was worded as Rob doesn't want you to go, or don't go because Rob is there. I think it was more, Rob is going to be there, are you sure its a good idea for you to be there?

I just think it was completely thoughtless on her part to not even consider that I would be there, and cold to basically say she didn't give a s*** that I was there. We have two local pubs in our area, and that's the one we've been going to mostly over the last 2 years. And she ruined the Christmas Eve of two couples. My friend didn't see his wife until the next morning, and she stayed in the house of the other couple. The partner of the other girl was freaking out about that, having to wake up Christmas morning with my ex in their house.

I know it's something we're both going to have to live with, but I didn't think I'd have to deal with it 5 weeks later. I know for a fact if we were still together, her Christmas Eve would've consisted of calling to me early in the day to exchange gifts, going for lunch, maybe calling to the girls and then going home to be with her Mom. I just think she's deflecting, she's really acting out since she broke up with me. 

Edited December 29, 2022 by Rob_Earnshaw