After 3 years of hot/cold behavior she wants to start a relationship

[Kylegsweqr]

From time to time I come back to this site.  It’s incredibly valuable to learn from others experiences and I’ve received extremely valuable feedback on my situation which has been a great deal of help/support.  I would consider myself very successful professionally and exhibit good common sense but my feelings for this woman have caused me to make a series of stupid decisions which only further prolonged my grief and the hope of relationship with her would never be possible.  Feel free to review history, won’t rehash here.

As recommended by someone in my last post I finally had the courage to full on block her on everything following an industry event in Jan 2022.  She knew I was going to be at a certain dinner and she brought her new boyfriend of 30 days with her.  I was shocked but did maintain my composure.  Follow that, full block on everything.   Apparently she must have known I blocked her as she attempted contact with me several times since until we ran into each other at another industry event.  Won’t get into detail but stupidly I unblocked her as my feelings were no longer raw and I’ve been dating on a regular basis. 

Fast forward to a holiday party last week she knew I would be at.  She decided to travel 2.5 hrs to attend for the sole purpose of what I’m about to describe.  She pulled me aside and said the original reason why she couldn’t date me (work conflict that existed only in her mind) she decided she got past and she would really like me to consider dating her exclusively.  This relationship is best characterized by brief periods of passion/great times by long periods of indecisiveness on her part.  2.5 hr distance between us and 9 (41/50) year age difference.  I don’t consider either of the aforementioned to be an issue.  However, I do not have a good feeling about this and she even mentioned she saw me with someone I dated on social media once I unblocked her and her heart sunk. She then confesses her love for me, blah blah blah.   I said this is quite shocking and I’ll need time to process.  It’s been a week.  So far I haven’t reached out.  I’m inclined to think past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior and politely decline.  In addition, she assumed I was in a relationship and trying to sabotage it because now she can’t have me??  Am more so looking for confirmation that the fact she saw me with someone else on social media brought out her competitive spirit to see if I’d date her instead.  

[glows]

You didn’t seem to feel good around her and are even suspicious of her intentions now. Not a good start to any kind of relationship with someone. There’s too much history and bad blood here. 

I’m curious why you’re conflicted? Ie would like to hear more why you’re making her wait rather than letting her know close but no cigar. I’d think mutual respect is required for anything to start between two people and your respect for her or the way she treated you is near subzero levels..

[basil67]

4 hours ago, Kylegsweqr said:

 I’m inclined to think past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior and politely decline.  In addition, she assumed I was in a relationship and trying to sabotage it because now she can’t have me??  Am more so looking for confirmation that the fact she saw me with someone else on social media brought out her competitive spirit to see if I’d date her instead.  

I agree that past behaviour is a good indicator of future behaviour.   As far as this bringing out her competitive spirit, you know her better than we do.  Does she have a competitive spirit?  If so, it could be that.   It could also be that she's got a history of hot/cold behaviour and is currently on a hot phase.  It could also be that she seriously regrets the past.

But no matter what it is, you'd be best off giving her a wide berth

[JTSW]

I would definitely encourage you not to pursue this.  

Past behaviour is definitely a good indicator of what the future holds. 

Resume the blocking and avoid her at all costs.

[emotionallybroken9]

So you’re good with dating. You’re successful. You’ve just had a date. You get bad vibes from this one lady. 
 

I don’t get it… what’s there to think about? 
 

unless she has a magical vagina or something you’re not telling us, why would you want to DATE her? 
 

forget your past, just think of her as a normal person you match with on a dating app. 

- 9 years older

- 2.5 hours away

- likes to play mind games

 

swipe left dude lol. Unless you’re that desperate to get laid while checking out other dates, why bother investing resources (mental, physical and financial) into something that’s clearly not gonna be a thing lol

 

figure out why you’re hooked on a bad dating person, cuz clearly ya still got something wrong!! 
 

good luck bro! 

[Kylegsweqr]

20 hours ago, glows said:

You didn’t seem to feel good around her and are even suspicious of her intentions now. Not a good start to any kind of relationship with someone. There’s too much history and bad blood here. 

I’m curious why you’re conflicted? Ie would like to hear more why you’re making her wait rather than letting her know close but no cigar. I’d think mutual respect is required for anything to start between two people and your respect for her or the way she treated you is near subzero levels..

 

[Kylegsweqr]

21 hours ago, glows said:

You didn’t seem to feel good around her and are even suspicious of her intentions now. Not a good start to any kind of relationship with someone. There’s too much history and bad blood here. 

I’m curious why you’re conflicted? Ie would like to hear more why you’re making her wait rather than letting her know close but no cigar. I’d think mutual respect is required for anything to start between two people and your respect for her or the way she treated you is near subzero levels..

I’m conflicted because I have never felt the way I have with her than I have for anyone else.  It’s just the feeling you get when you know it’s right.  Maybe it’s wanting what I couldn’t have, maybe the thrill of the chase….50 years old and still can’t figure it out! =).  I realize now it is most likely is projecting and any type of relationship with her will be this imbalance of me caring more than her.  So I’m still conflicted and waiting to see what actions accompany her words.

Edited December 15, 2022 by Kylegsweqr
Error

[glows]

1 hour ago, Kylegsweqr said:

I’m conflicted because I have never felt the way I have with her than I have for anyone else.  It’s just the feeling you get when you know it’s right.  Maybe it’s wanting what I couldn’t have, maybe the thrill of the chase….50 years old and still can’t figure it out! =).  I realize now it is most likely is projecting and any type of relationship with her will be this imbalance of me caring more than her.  So I’m still conflicted and waiting to see what actions accompany her words.

Do you see the unhealthy dynamic the two of you have? You pursue, she pulls back. She pursues, you pull back “waiting”.

Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. I’d consider long and hard whether you truly are available to date or if you’re lingering in this limbo with this person because she offers a safe place to do just that - linger only without anything coming out of this. 

Things to think about: do you like who you are? Do you feel you have something to offer in a relationship in real time? What are you afraid of? Is it rejection? Or getting hurt? Or feeling abandoned believing someone will leave anyway? Dig deeper.. try understanding what keeps you locked here like this. I don’t think it’s her actions that need to be observed.. it’s your thoughts and fears and what you want out of life versus these unfulfilling go nowhere situations.

[Wiseman2]

On 12/13/2022 at 8:05 PM, Kylegsweqr said:

.  This relationship is best characterized by brief periods of passion/great times by long periods of indecisiveness on her part.  

Unfortunately this doesn't seem like playing games, but that you're a backup plan for when she is in between BFs or bored. Decide if you want that. What you view as indecisiveness may be when she's making time with preferred local men.

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, Kylegsweqr said:

I’m conflicted because I have never felt the way I have with her than I have for anyone else.  It’s just the feeling you get when you know it’s right.  

In this case, "right" cannot possibly mean healthy or demonstrating any kind of respect for you.

So I'm going to assume that you mean it is a deeply familiar dynamic to you. Perhaps this goes back to something along the lines of your being held at arm's length or denied affection when you were a child? Take the time to think back to your experiences of love and attachment in your formative years. The answer to why you can't move on from this woman may lie there.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately this doesn't seem like playing games, but that you're a backup plan for when she is in between BFs or bored.

I was coming to say exactly this. 

I don't think for one moment she will stick around if you make the mistake of giving this a shot. She will bail once she meets the next local guy she wants to date. You'll do in the meantime. It's up to you if you want to be her filler between boyfriends.