Client/Colleague hitting on me and trying to lure me with business and money.

[howwouldiknownow22]

I met a very influential client through another colleague who I was dating a couple of months ago. It was very clear that we were dating when we met at his office and my (then boyfriend) introduced me because he felt that he might be interested in hiring my company.

After a few weeks, my --then boyfriend-- and I broke up and it was messy. My newly acquired client called and tried to give me advice etc about how to handle it with our mutual clients and keep it high level.

But, quickly he began calling daily and chatting. Last week, he asked me to do some philanthropic work for a friend of his that was dying. I did...I had to fly there for that work and this new client flew in and took me to dinner.

He paid for my trip and then sent me flowers to thank me for donating my time and efforts.

He also kept telling me how he wanted to spend new year's with me etc...and would love to hang out more because he thinks we are both "old souls". Unfortunately, prior to that I saw him as a friend -- and confided in him some things about my life and upbringing etc. I didn't realize he was trying to date me.

He's not put me on his website and introduced me to his team as a consultant and while he's not paying me right now -- I'm supposed to get 2 big projects in the New Year. But they have not been inked.

I've avoided talking with him much on the phone over the last few days and told him I was super busy and yesterday he called me and asked if I was ok or if he said something that upset me.

I told him no, no...I just have a lot of stress right now and work is extremely busy.

I KNOW that I will lose his 2 projects/clients if I don't continue this charade. I guess it's the price I have to pay.

He's very influential and has a great reputation, but I am not attracted to him and while he could really help me professionally/financially -- and the hit will be big $$$$ wise....I just can't go any further with him. He's just not my type....

How do I handle this? Does it need to be via phone or can I sent him an email? I just don't want to even answer his texts or calls when they come through....

He means well.... and I honestly feel like I was not strong enough in pushing back when he started making these types of comments and passes at me.

How should I handle this?  

[Gaeta]

He means to seduce you, don't see him as poor guy he just wants to be nice. It's not that. For all you know he's got plenty of other women on the hook that are looking to be given some sort of professional contract.

When l read your story l had Harvey Weinstein in mind. 

Block him everywhere. If you lose a client....oh well...

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

he's not paying me right now -- I am not attracted to him

These are two very important aspects. This is not a professional relationship nor personal one so continuing makes no sense. Since you are already acquainted as connections/contacts, there's no reason to pursue this. This is someone you put on LinkedIn, not  carry on with as if there's something happening.

[Calmandfocused]

Op the success of your business does not depend on this guy. Please stop being manipulated by the fear that you will “lose out” if you don’t play ball with him. 

Bear in my mind that his promises of $$$ are just that. As you allude to: no contract has been signed. At the moment it’s all pie in the sky. 
 

You’ve lost nothing. You cannot lose something you did not have. 
 

The only thing you will lose is this guy’s (unwanted) attention should you set your boundaries, and he doesn’t take it well.  This  doesn’t sound like a bad thing to me. 
 

in future never mix business with pleasure. Also don’t ever give the impression that you are open to the game of professional prostitution. It’s a recipe for disaster.
 

 

[stillafool]

Just one thing - all money is not good money.  Here no money has exchanged hands so I would let this one go.

[howwouldiknownow22]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Just one thing - all money is not good money.  Here no money has exchanged hands so I would let this one go.

He had hired me for one project...but it's done.  

I was supposed to attend a business conference this Thursday and it's in his city.  I mentioned that I was considering going (he's not affiliated with the organization).  He then told me that he is going ...representing another company and can "wine and dine" me after.   

I am no longer going because I don't even want the awkwardness.

Do you think I should have a phone call with him about all of this or should I email it -- so it's in writing?

The contracts that he's promised are slated for January.  But, you are right...they are all pie in the sky right now.   There are no promises in writing.

[howwouldiknownow22]

16 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Op the success of your business does not depend on this guy. Please stop being manipulated by the fear that you will “lose out” if you don’t play ball with him. 

Bear in my mind that his promises of $$$ are just that. As you allude to: no contract has been signed. At the moment it’s all pie in the sky. 
 

You’ve lost nothing. You cannot lose something you did not have. 
 

The only thing you will lose is this guy’s (unwanted) attention should you set your boundaries, and he doesn’t take it well.  This  doesn’t sound like a bad thing to me. 
 

in future never mix business with pleasure. Also don’t ever give the impression that you are open to the game of professional prostitution. It’s a recipe for disaster.
 

 

I agree.  I honestly didn't think he would do this to me... because he comes off as the 'nice guy' who does all types of church volunteering etc.  

I think my biggest mistake is that I didn't stop him in his tracks when it first began.   Now...I feel like my lack of acknowledging my lack of comfort -- was essentially giving him permission to continue it.  

[stillafool]

13 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

Do you think I should have a phone call with him about all of this or should I email it -- so it's in writing?

The contracts that he's promised are slated for January.  But, you are right...they are all pie in the sky right now.   There are no promises in writing.

No.  The whole thing is sounding very unprofessional and looking like a way for him to set you up so he can get laid.  He's probably done this before.  Let it go.

[howwouldiknownow22]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

No.  The whole thing is sounding very unprofessional and looking like a way for him to set you up so he can get laid.  He's probably done this before.  Let it go.

Well, he has me on his website and he has told his employees I'm part of the ongoing team.  So, I think it would be best if I handled it professionally and just said I'm eager to work with them on the 2023 projects but I want to make sure the relationship remains professional.   

I wasn't sure if I should do that via email or phone.  I think it's best for me to do that rather than just disappear.  I still have to maintain professional connections within our industry and some mutual previous clients. 

[stillafool]

Okay I would do it by email and put it in writing.  Also I would not accept any invitations to dinner or drinks before or after the business deal to make sure to keep it professional.

Edited December 14, 2022 by stillafool

[howwouldiknownow22]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Okay I would do it by email and put it in writing.  Also I would not accept any invitations to dinner or drinks before or after the business deal to make sure to keep it professional.

I'm guessing once I send this...there won't be any business deals.  But, it is what it is.  I just don't want to deal with him further.  

[flitzanu]

i may be the only one wondering, but are you sure this is "seducing you" or are you really making an assumption that he's after you?  from what you wrote, it doesn't sound like he's actually invited you on any type of date or said anything highly romantic.  sure, a lot of invites and "lets hang out" but i'd at least be 100% sure that he 1. is after you, or 2. you're assuming he is after you

[howwouldiknownow22]

26 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

i may be the only one wondering, but are you sure this is "seducing you" or are you really making an assumption that he's after you?  from what you wrote, it doesn't sound like he's actually invited you on any type of date or said anything highly romantic.  sure, a lot of invites and "lets hang out" but i'd at least be 100% sure that he 1. is after you, or 2. you're assuming he is after you

Ummm yes.   He asked me to go to NYC for New Year's with him and said he wanted to fly in to take me to dinner to "wine and dine" me this past weekend.  There's no question...

[NuevoYorko]

Please don't even entertain the idea that you "need" to date a male colleague in order to maintain or promote a business opportunity.   Those days are over.  If he wants your services because you have a lot to offer his company, your businesslike demeanor and absolute boundaries in how you interact will keep things in their correct lane.  If he seriously is only going to contract with you if you go to NYC for New Years etc.  - Well, you've presented yourself as a savvy businesswoman who has been functioning successfully in your profession.  I'm having trouble believing that you'd even deal with a situation like this.   

[smackie9]

I have ran into clowns like this...he just using the promise of business like a carrot on a stick to gain access to you sexually. Ewww!

[howwouldiknownow22]

I wrote him an email and told him that I'm very excited about our future business dealings together and have appreciated his mentorship and business but that I have sensed that he is suggesting more out of our relationship and I want him to know that is something I can't allow.  I said I would like to continue working with you in a professional capacity -- and hope he can understand and respect that.

I said "I've got a busy day today, but if that's something you want to discuss -- let's connect tomorrow or sometime soon." 

So what happened?  He IMMEDIATELY called me and I didn't answer.  Then texted and said he wants to talk.  I said I'll reach out tomorrow.  

Interestingly enough as I sent that email he blind copied me on an email to his team stating that he is in talks with a private airline for purchase. He likes to flaunt his money and last night sent me a picture via text of the Maldives and said ...I'm thinking this would be fun for New Year's instead.

GROSS buddy.  You can't buy me.   And now...he's learning that the hard way.  

[ExpatInItaly]

I would strongly encourage you not to have any further professional association with him, either. 

 

[howwouldiknownow22]

13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I would strongly encourage you not to have any further professional association with him, either. 

 

That's actually how I feel right now... I don't even want to answer the phone when it rings.    So, why continue working with him?  I can find new clients.  I have gotten this far...and he is "all hat and no cattle" at this point...from my perspective.  Lots of promises.... not much in the delivery.  

When I told him I had a bad day yesterday and had lost a client.  He asked how much that client paid me per month. I told him.  He said do I need to pay you __ a month to make you feel better?  

Immediately I realized ...this is gross.  And definitely unprofessional.  

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

 So, why continue working with him?  I can find new clients.

But wouldn't these clients be aware of his sleeazy tactics with women and suspect that's how you gained access to them?  I'd be afraid they'd think they could do the same.

[NuevoYorko]

I would have advised you not to engage him about the personal stuff at all.   The time to have nipped this in the bud was when you were engaging with him about your breakup and accepting "daily calls" for chatting.   

Don't do stuff like that anymore if you don't enjoy this type of attention.  It's not your "fault" that the guy's a douche, but it's up to you how you choose to present yourself.  Discussing your breakup, then increasing the personal contact to daily, sharing your personal issues, etc. - none of that is professional.  It doesn't matter if he was outright trying to date you or not.   

If you thought you'd like to date him, that would be a different story and up to you whether to jeopardize any potential business opportunities by indulging in that.  Evidently you do not want to date him - yet you happily went down the personal route.

It seems that you must be very young and fresh to the business world.   

[Lotsgoingon]

You have to practice, practice finding the words that feel comfortable and say-able to you but which also get your point across. You have to speak immediately ... Soon as he invited you to new year's. "Hi, no, I'm not interested in that. I'm not looking for any special social connections right now." The invitation is so over the line--so ridiculously early and fast--that you want to respond immediately to make clear it's way way over the line. 

Practice! Literally walk down the street or stand up in a room and imagine yourself saying the words. 

This guy gave you ANOTHER opportunity when he called seeming to apologize. yesterday he called me and asked if I was ok or if he said something that upset me. I told him no, no...I just have a lot of stress right now and work is extremely busy. 

This was your chance to say. I was surprised and uncomfortable about the new year's resolution. I'm just trying to do my job and I don't know. His checking on you meant he was ready for it. He noticed in your body that you didn't like his invitation. So he already felt that. Might as well tell him!

The whole "I'm stressed" thing is lame. You gotta go stronger than this. That just opens the door for him to continue to check on you until your stress level goes down. Speak up! What are you afraid of? 

Now, all bets are off if you sensed this guy was ready to stalk you and assault you because of a lack of interest. But I'm not getting that. 

[howwouldiknownow22]

14 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You have to practice, practice finding the words that feel comfortable and say-able to you but which also get your point across. You have to speak immediately ... Soon as he invited you to new year's. "Hi, no, I'm not interested in that. I'm not looking for any special social connections right now." The invitation is so over the line--so ridiculously early and fast--that you want to respond immediately to make clear it's way way over the line. 

Practice! Literally walk down the street or stand up in a room and imagine yourself saying the words. 

This guy gave you ANOTHER opportunity when he called seeming to apologize. yesterday he called me and asked if I was ok or if he said something that upset me. I told him no, no...I just have a lot of stress right now and work is extremely busy. 

This was your chance to say. I was surprised and uncomfortable about the new year's resolution. I'm just trying to do my job and I don't know. His checking on you meant he was ready for it. He noticed in your body that you didn't like his invitation. So he already felt that. Might as well tell him!

The whole "I'm stressed" thing is lame. You gotta go stronger than this. That just opens the door for him to continue to check on you until your stress level goes down. Speak up! What are you afraid of? 

Now, all bets are off if you sensed this guy was ready to stalk you and assault you because of a lack of interest. But I'm not getting that. 

I appreciate your reply.  It's not wrong that someone said I should have stopped this much earlier.  That's absolutely true and I said that in my initial post.  I have regrets that I didn't speak up sooner.

But, I am where I am.  I have asked for advice on how to solve this now that I've made these obvious errors.   

Since I sent the email he has tried to call me twice and I texted him back and told him I didn't think there was much more to discuss and when we have a business/deal to discuss, please let me know.  And I hope he has a happy holiday.

Seriously, maybe I'm wrong...but I don't think there is anything to discuss.... if it's business (which I know it's not) then great!  Otherwise...no thank you. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Good OP! OMG, this guy is sounding more like a psychopath or a stalker. He's not accepting your answer, it seems.

So keep your guard up, and trust negative feelings you have. This guy should have left you alone by now. 

Most guys getting "rejected" at the start--barely a sting, barely. And they move on. This guy, hmmmmmm ... Maybe you had trouble saying "no" as forcefully as you would have liked because you picked up that he might be obsessive stalker type or a psychopath. 

Edited December 15, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[Lotsgoingon]

BTW: this is from a guy, but a guy who has women friends and relatives who worked on issues like stalking.

One step I encourage you to take is to start telling friends and relatives about this experience. And if things continue to get weird (more unsolicited inappropriate contacts) it is extremely important that you talk to other people so that you stay out of freeze mode. You also want to tap the wisdom of other people and their encouragement here because things can get scary and you think your job is at stake, which tends to make us tread very cautiously. 

To claim your power and protect yourself, do not isolate and hide things from close people in your life. Tap them for maximum support and thinking clarity. 

 

[mark clemson]

Looks like I'm late to the conversation, but IMO ideally in a situation like this you drum up some alternative business so you don't have any need to deal with him. Not sure whether that's feasible or not in every case.

IF you had dated him but then ended things, he might have turned on you and bashed your reputation, etc. Some people "flip" when they end romantic relationships and the other person becomes "bad" - it's a psychological defense mechanism to help protect themselves from feeling hurt/rejected. Not saying he was guaranteed to do this, but the risk was certainly there.

It sounds like he would have had most of the "power" in the relationship (if one had occured). That's generally not ideal and leaves you open to various forms of manipulation/abuse. In fact this whole thing WAS manipulation, essentially, and you probably sensed that and it's part of why you felt put off.

The expression "don't eat where you poop," comes to mind.

Edited December 16, 2022 by mark clemson