Asking for advice after an affair

[GuiltyParty107]

I have been with my partner for 14 years. It is an understatement to say we have been life partners in every way. We are married and have been for 5 years. The majority of our 14 years has centered around a mutual journey to achieve a life goal of both of ours that has led us all over the world in the pursuit of learning about something we love together. I don't feel comfortable getting more specific than that.

About two-three years ago my partner's sex drive declined significantly. We also began spending less time together due to changing work and study commitments. We rented rooms in our house out and our sex life slowly died. A year or so ago I expressed my feelings, that sex was an important part of the relationship for me, and that I wanted to make more time for each other. Sometimes, this happened. Other times, my partner would forget a work event, arrangement with friends, or be home but too tired for sexual activity, the frequency of which went down to approximately once per month. I also encouraged her to tell me if she wanted to try sex with a different partner, or to try different things, etc. She maintains she was never interested in this, and was just not horny without being pushed/reminded etc. I always felt she was too afraid of hurting me to tell me the truth. I have a high sex drive and this was quite difficult for me. Anyways, this is the moment I should have pushed for marriage counseling.

Simultaneously, I began spending more time with a close friend due to work. I am not sure when I began having an "emotional affair", but I believe it was around that same timeframe, about a year ago. I am not sure I knew what was happening at first, I just knew that we both really wanted to spend time together. My partner was also friends with this person. This person and I pursued a work project which brought us to the top of our field in the entire world. Anyways, two months ago I cheated on my life partner.

The guilt was overwhelming, but I did not directly confess. Instead, I showed my partner a text message which sort of accidentally contained a message about the affair. I don't really know why I couldn't confess and why I simultaneously wanted to get caught. She took my phone, read all of my texts, looked through my photos, etc, and was incredibly hurt and shocked.

I fully expected my partner to want to cut off the relationship. I feel like a monster for what I did and I wanted to be hurt and let go. I also had felt we drifted apart and she would want that. However, she told me that she wants to try marriage counseling and to work on our relationship. We are starting that this week. I am truly shocked she wants to give me another chance.

She expressed to me that part of the reason she doesn't want to leave me is that she is in her mid thirties and doesn't want to start over because she is too old. She told me that she stopped feeling strongly when she said she loved me years ago, and wants to try to fall in love with me again. We have also built a professional life together. We have no children.

I wanted to give her space after this discovery. However, she asked me to stay in the house with her. The first couple of days, she would wake me up and hit me or yell at me and tell me how hurt she is. I feel I deserve to share in this pain, so it's ok. Yesterday, in the middle of the night, a few days after she found out about the affair, she woke me up and told me she wanted to have sex with me to reclaim me. I felt uncomfortable at this because I had hurt her so much. I engaged with it but was not sure I should have. I am not sure I should be staying with her and feel that perhaps I should give her space to sort her feelings out.

The reason I am asking for advice is my own feelings. I do not know how to figure out what I want. I do not fully understand why I cheated other than sexual frustration and strong feelings for the other person. I feel incredibly strongly that I want to support my partner's life ambitions, goals, to support her financially, etc, but I am not sure I have sexual attraction for her. I am scared of that and don't know what it means. I am afraid I will work things out with her, stay with her, and be extremely happy except that I can no longer see the person who has grown to become my closest friend, and that I will not really have a sex life.

I want to confess that I feel I am realizing I want a life of non-monogamy. I completely understand that the way I have gone about this is disgusting, deceitful, and hurtful to the person I care about the most. With that said: I sincerely want my wife to find a sexual partner who makes her feel incredible. I am not sure I am that person. I want her to be my primary partner because I know she is afraid of losing what we have built together, and I truly love that as well, but I also want to be sexually satisfied. I do not know how to communicate this without hurting her even more than I already have. What if she doesn't want this? Then I have just hurt her more.

I am sincerely grateful for any perspectives on my situation. I am beginning therapy in two days and sincerely looking forward to it. Thank you.

 

 

 

 

 

[S2B]

You want her to be your wife but you want to be able to have sex with other people?

have you asked her if she is ok with this outcome?

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, GuiltyParty107 said:

I want her to be my primary partner because I know she is afraid of losing what we have built together, and I truly love that as well, but I also want to be sexually satisfied. I do not know how to communicate this without hurting her even more than I already have. What if she doesn't want this? Then I have just hurt her more.

Sorry but there is no easy way out of this that will not make you not look like the bad guy.  You need to be completely honest with your wife that you are involved in an affair with another woman and you have feelings for her.  Then tell her that you are willing to stay but you're no longer sexually attracted to her.  Let her decide if she still wants to live with you.  Don't try to hold onto them both behind their backs.  It's time to put your big boy pants on and do the right thing.

[GuiltyParty107]

39 minutes ago, S2B said:

You want her to be your wife but you want to be able to have sex with other people?

have you asked her if she is ok with this outcome?

I have not but intend to bring it up in therapy.

I am not certain if I would lose this desire if she was genuinely interested in having a sex life or not.

[GuiltyParty107]

22 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Sorry but there is no easy way out of this that will not make you not look like the bad guy.  You need to be completely honest with your wife that you are involved in an affair with another woman and you have feelings for her.  Then tell her that you are willing to stay but you're no longer sexually attracted to her.  Let her decide if she still wants to live with you.  Don't try to hold onto them both behind their backs.  It's time to put your big boy pants on and do the right thing.

I appreciate your response. I am certainly not looking for an easy way out, and your response is helpful. I will aim to do this throughout the therapy process.

[stillafool]

14 minutes ago, GuiltyParty107 said:

I will aim to do this throughout the therapy process.

What does this mean?  Are you saying you want to reveal the truth about the affair little by little in marriage counseling?

[GuiltyParty107]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What does this mean?  Are you saying you want to reveal the truth about the affair little by little in marriage counseling?

I should provide more detail

She knows I have feelings for the other person. I have answered every question she has asked me honestly, even the sexual details I wanted to ask the therapist about before sharing because I didn't know how much the nitty gritty was necessary or would hurt her. 

I think that I wrote this post in hopes of hearing an opinion on whether I should be staying at home like she wants me to, whether other people had tried things like sex therapy with their spouse and restored sexuality in a non-sexual marriage, or pretty much any other thoughts or experience that related to ours. I am not sure I should have had sex with her when she asked me to. I fear she is not processing her feelings because I am around and we have had such a history.

She had initially told me she didn't want to talk about a lot of subjects without a counselor present, but she is asking a lot of questions. So I am unsure as to how I should respect that boundary. I told her that when she asks me questions I may ask her if she is sure she wants me to answer them. She understood.

I can see that you think I am looking for an easy way out - I'm not. I just don't know what the right choices to make are, after making a very terrible one.

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, GuiltyParty107 said:

She had initially told me she didn't want to talk about a lot of subjects without a counselor present, but she is asking a lot of questions. So I am unsure as to how I should respect that boundary. I told her that when she asks me questions I may ask her if she is sure she wants me to answer them. She understood.

I can see that you think I am looking for an easy way out - I'm not. I just don't know what the right choices to make are, after making a very terrible one.

So your wife knows you are carrying on an affair but doesn't know how far you've gone?  I can tell you just by reading on LS that most spouses want to know the details of the affair.  The questions are asked and answered over time.  It is part of the healing process to those who are trying to reconcile.  You don't really want to reconcile so.........

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, GuiltyParty107 said:

I have not but intend to bring it up in therapy.

Yes. Discuss things with the professional guidance and neutrality of a therapist's office. You may also need to consult an attorney  confidentially for information in the event your wife will not continue to condone cheating labeled as "nonmonogamy".

[GuiltyParty107]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

So your wife knows you are carrying on an affair but doesn't know how far you've gone?  I can tell you just by reading on LS that most spouses want to know the details of the affair.  The questions are asked and answered over time.  It is part of the healing process to those who are trying to reconcile.  You don't really want to reconcile so.........

Nono she knows everything that has happened, where it happened, how long it happened for, what position we were in, literally any detail she could have possibly asked.

[GuiltyParty107]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes. Discuss things with the professional guidance and neutrality of a therapist's office. You may also need to consult an attorney  confidentially for information in the event your wife will not continue to condone cheating labeled as "nonmonogamy".

Edited for clarity. I have not seen or spoken to the person except with my wife present (her request) since she first learned of the affair. I am in the house with my wife who is reading my texts, e-mails etc daily with my consent. I answer all of her questions. She wants to try marriage counseling and so do I. Of course under the circumstances (me cheating) it would be ludicrous to tell her that I want non-monogamy. Obviously. I do however fear that either she is not into me physically and not wanting to tell me so, or is truly not really into sex (except oddly after this event) and I will live the rest of my life with a non-sexual marriage. This is not our only issue by any means but I do believe it is a central one. I am concerned about staying in the marriage to preserve our life situation if this cannot be reconciled.

 

Thanks

Edited December 14, 2022 by GuiltyParty107

[stillafool]

52 minutes ago, GuiltyParty107 said:

She wants to try marriage counseling and so do I.

What good would marriage counseling do in this situation?  The counselor can't make you stop wanting to be with the other woman and stop having sex with her.  It's also not fair to either women to stay with one while seeing the other.  

[NuevoYorko]

I have a friend who wanted out of his marriage and had sex with someone else, then made sure his wife found out about it. She dumped him.  It was his passive way of ending the marriage.  You kind of seem like you're doing this.  You expected her to kick you to the curb when you showed her the text in the first place, and you don't seem prepared at all for her response of wanting to work on your marriage.

[BrinnM]

What @NuevoYorkosaid 👆🏼
 

You also almost sound like you’re doing her a favor by staying. The worst thing is that your wife not only knows that you had sex and an affair with another woman, but also that you’re still kind of pining over her. She’ll never get over this emotional betrayal, because you’re not helping her get through this. You’re one foot out the door, while pretending that you’re trying to patch things up. It’s a half-hearted approach, and it’s a very passive way to go about things.
 

You’d be way better off if you booked a few individual counseling sessions; much better than dragging your wife to sex therapy/couples counseling (or letting her drag you there), because my guess is that it’ll be a waste of time and money. You will just go through the motions, and you won’t be honest, either, out of fear to upset your wife even more. 

Honestly: Why did you show her your phone in the first place? 

[GuiltyParty107]

15 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

What @NuevoYorkosaid 👆🏼
 

You also almost sound like you’re doing her a favor by staying. The worst thing is that your wife not only knows that you had sex and an affair with another woman, but also that you’re still kind of pining over her. She’ll never get over this emotional betrayal, because you’re not helping her get through this. You’re one foot out the door, while pretending that you’re trying to patch things up. It’s a half-hearted approach, and it’s a very passive way to go about things.
 

You’d be way better off if you booked a few individual counseling sessions; much better than dragging your wife to sex therapy/couples counseling (or letting her drag you there), because my guess is that it’ll be a waste of time and money. You will just go through the motions, and you won’t be honest, either, out of fear to upset your wife even more. 

Honestly: Why did you show her your phone in the first place? 

I have also booked individual therapy sessions. We have a significant financial allotment of therapy through our work, so it won't be a waste of money in any case.

I was feeling very guilty and wanted to get caught. But then when it was happening I was very terrified of losing her. If I just wanted to stay with her I wouldn't have had the affair in the first place, and second I would have cut it off and not told her. I don't understand my actions.

I don't believe I am pretending to try to patch things up, but certainly, this encourages me to be completely honest. I don't feel that I have indicated otherwise, but if I have, I think that I was not clear. Some more context is she also told me that before the affair started, when she said "I love you" she felt numb and that she didn't have much to say on our anniversary (prior to things starting with the other person). She told me she wants to pick a timeframe, and for us to see where therapy takes us and decide at that point what we should do. I think we are both unsure what our feelings mean. We have a life together, we agree we love that life, and it would be impossible due to our work circumstances for one of us to leave without that thing crumbling. I am well aware this is not a reason to stay together. I am incredibly proud of her and what she has accomplished. When I see her working, I feel so much warmth. She is an incredible caretaker and although that has taken away from our personal relationship it's something that I truly love about her. I know she will be an incredible mom. We have been through so many life challenges together, work and personal, and supported each other unconditionally, until now when I did this horrible thing. When we make time for each other, I love spending time with her, but this has fallen short for a long time. I also fear either one of us staying in the relationship for the wrong reasons.

I can't change the fact that I have feelings for the other person. I have very strong feelings towards my wife as well. I am confused and well aware I need therapy. If things don't work out between us, I don't think I would go running to the other person. I think I would take time alone to improve myself.

Anyways, I feel as though I am causing some agitation by responding to this thread so I think I will stop. Thanks everyone.

[ExpatInItaly]

You want out of your marriage but you wanted her to be the one to pull the plug. 

That is why you showed her the messages and were taken aback when she didn't tell you she wanted to end your marriage over it. It seems you are having a hard time being the "bad guy" (so to speak) and you couldn't bear the guilt if you asked for a divorce. So you want her to do it, deep down. 

That's my read. In any case, I think you marriage is over for all practical purposes. You are checked out and she is too hurt and afraid to let go just yet, but this one is toast. I wouldn't waste money on marriage counselling. You just need to be honest with yourself (and her) that you no longer want to be there. 

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, GuiltyParty107 said:

She took my phone, read all of my texts, looked through my photos, etc, and was incredibly hurt and shocked.

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately it seems like you wanted to punish and hurt your wife, but that's better explored privately and confidentiality with your individual therapist. Perhaps in the meantime wait until marriage therapy before more mistakes are made. 

[JTSW]

Personally, I think counselling will be pointless.

You checked out of this marriage a long time ago.

You are not happy in it anymore and nothing is likely going to change that.

You have feelings for another woman.

So far you are just doing everything your wife is telling you to do while she monitors your every move and physically abuses you.

This isn't right. You can't stay in a marriage like that.

You will end up even more unhappy.

It's time to be 100% honest with her, that you are not happy there anymore and that you should separate.

Everyone deserves to be happy.

Edited December 15, 2022 by JTSW

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, GuiltyParty107 said:

 This is not our only issue by any means but I do believe it is a central one.

How old is she? Do you have children? Have you attempted to repair the rift or just looked elsewhere?

Unfortunately her distancing herself physically from you can be a result of other unspoken resentments. She is interested in sex, but not with you. Ironically you feel the same way.

Edited December 15, 2022 by Wiseman2

[BreakOnThrough]

You're just going to waste your time and hers and spin both your wheels.  You have no kids, just break up, end of story.  Why continue on in a relationship that is so obviously done.

[mark clemson]

It seems you feel quite ambivalent AND that your partner doesn't want to lose you despite finding out you cheated.

IF this situation continues, perhaps it may end up being a "look the other way" marriage. Not ideal, but certainly not unheard of.

A relationship is a mutual decision. People can and do make all sorts of compromises and end up staying together (or not). You and she will have to figure out what works for you (or at least you are certainly going to try to, as that is what is happening right now).

Speaking of compromises, I'm not sure you should be accepting physical abuse from your wife, despite how angry she may be and/or how guilty you may feel. Certainly not on a sustained basis. I sense a certain amount of dysfunction or expectation of it in what you post about that- that's something you might want to explore with your therapist.

It sounds like you were at some level expecting to END your story with your wife. Instead, at least for the time being, you seem to have unintentionally started a new chapter.

You may want to do a bit of research on the "Drama Triangle". Learn from it, in case it applies to you, and don't over-apply it if you do - it's ultimately just a model. You sound like you're perhaps on the lower/more normal end of drama triangle dynamics, but it seems to be there, from what I get out of your post.

Edited December 15, 2022 by mark clemson

[BaileyB]

On 12/14/2022 at 9:45 AM, GuiltyParty107 said:

I do not know how to figure out what I want. I do not fully understand why I cheated

Individual counselling. You would be wise to find yourself an individual counsellor before the sun goes down… In fact, I would hold off the marriage counselling until after you have had some counselling because if you don’t know what you want and/or why you cheated - it’s going to be a complete waste of both of your time and money. 

Edited December 22, 2022 by BaileyB

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I know where you are coming from.  Your life was built on a foundation of shared professional and personal interests.  That can be a form of love but it is distinctly different from romantic love.  Over time you two watered the tree of familial love and the romantic love died.  In the meantime your life is busy and becomes so extremely intertwined and comfortable that it feels like death to leave. You have both become one unit and have lost your individual selves.  Leaving the relationship means losing a part of yourself and then there is the fear of the unknown,

Some people prioritize familial love relationships over romantic. That is ok and can be an acceptable compromise.

You cheated to test the waters.  You are trying to see what she will put up with, what you can get away with.

This is a difficult situation.  Since you are so good together can you just be friends and seek romance elsewhere?  
 

Maybe you are wondering if you are missing out on having romantic love in your life?  It is just going to take a lot of time and effort to figure it out.

I can tell you once the romantic love is gone, the flame burnt out, it is impossible to get back again.  You only get one shot at some things in life. This is one of them.  

 

[pepperbird2]

On 12/14/2022 at 2:39 PM, GuiltyParty107 said:

I should provide more detail

She knows I have feelings for the other person. I have answered every question she has asked me honestly, even the sexual details I wanted to ask the therapist about before sharing because I didn't know how much the nitty gritty was necessary or would hurt her. 

I think that I wrote this post in hopes of hearing an opinion on whether I should be staying at home like she wants me to, whether other people had tried things like sex therapy with their spouse and restored sexuality in a non-sexual marriage, or pretty much any other thoughts or experience that related to ours. I am not sure I should have had sex with her when she asked me to. I fear she is not processing her feelings because I am around and we have had such a history.

She had initially told me she didn't want to talk about a lot of subjects without a counselor present, but she is asking a lot of questions. So I am unsure as to how I should respect that boundary. I told her that when she asks me questions I may ask her if she is sure she wants me to answer them. She understood.

I can see that you think I am looking for an easy way out - I'm not. I just don't know what the right choices to make are, after making a very terrible one.

I would highly suggest you put your needs on hold for a little while. Give your wife a chance to adjust without tossing  any more her way right now. 
i would also say you are projecting like it’s going out of style. Stop trying to project your desire to sleep with other partners on to her. 
 

Do what ever it is you decide, but at least own your choices. 

[pepperbird2]

On 12/14/2022 at 6:02 PM, GuiltyParty107 said:

I have also booked individual therapy sessions. We have a significant financial allotment of therapy through our work, so it won't be a waste of money in any case.

I was feeling very guilty and wanted to get caught. But then when it was happening I was very terrified of losing her. If I just wanted to stay with her I wouldn't have had the affair in the first place, and second I would have cut it off and not told her. I don't understand my actions.

I don't believe I am pretending to try to patch things up, but certainly, this encourages me to be completely honest. I don't feel that I have indicated otherwise, but if I have, I think that I was not clear. Some more context is she also told me that before the affair started, when she said "I love you" she felt numb and that she didn't have much to say on our anniversary (prior to things starting with the other person). She told me she wants to pick a timeframe, and for us to see where therapy takes us and decide at that point what we should do. I think we are both unsure what our feelings mean. We have a life together, we agree we love that life, and it would be impossible due to our work circumstances for one of us to leave without that thing crumbling. I am well aware this is not a reason to stay together. I am incredibly proud of her and what she has accomplished. When I see her working, I feel so much warmth. She is an incredible caretaker and although that has taken away from our personal relationship it's something that I truly love about her. I know she will be an incredible mom. We have been through so many life challenges together, work and personal, and supported each other unconditionally, until now when I did this horrible thing. When we make time for each other, I love spending time with her, but this has fallen short for a long time. I also fear either one of us staying in the relationship for the wrong reasons.

I can't change the fact that I have feelings for the other person. I have very strong feelings towards my wife as well. I am confused and well aware I need therapy. If things don't work out between us, I don't think I would go running to the other person. I think I would take time alone to improve myself.

Anyways, I feel as though I am causing some agitation by responding to this thread so I think I will stop. Thanks everyone.

Like I said, projection. With all,due respect, are you sure it’s not you who is agitated?