Asking for advice after an affair

[pepperbird2]

 I can only speak my own experience, but I’ve found the “ you can’t respsrk romantic love” to be a false statement.

 

my husband cheated on me and really treated me badly.  At the time, any romantic feelings I had for him were gone.  when he confessed, it was like someone flipped a switch. It was awful.  For a variety of reasons, we stayed together,. we attended counselling and he got mental health treatment. I loved him as the dad to my kids, my best friend  and  our provider, but still not romantically. I was too hurt and angry.

 

Over time, we found our way back to one another. That was about 13 years ago, and we’ve been married for more than 25 years now. I do have romantic love for him, but that took time. I had to rebuild it, same as you would at the start of a relationship. When he was not deployed or in the field, we took baby steps with romance. We talked- a lot. The odd thing is somewhere along the way, we’d changed as people and we needed to rediscover each other as a married couple and not just two dopey kids who met each other at a campus pub. We needed to stop coasting. 

 

I can’t tell you what to do- only you know what’s right for you. I can’t even say that what happened for us could happen for you two. The best advice I have for you is to be 100 percent honest with your wife, no matter what decisions you make. That is a courtesy you owe her, even if you decide to split. 

[emotionallybroken9]

After reading all your posts, it sounds like you’re facing the typical cheating spouse syndrome:

Not being strong enough to face the unknown consequences of doing the right thing by ending the marriage. 
 

my ex did the same. She only stayed cuz she didn’t want me to be hurt, which ironically prolonged the hurt. 
 

1) your wife isn’t too old. No such thing. Codependant maybe. Zero confidence maybe. But not too old. 
 

2) you’re not doing this to not hurt her. You’re doing this to not feel bad to watch someone you love be hurt by your actions. 
 

3) sounds like you’re too scared to walk out. U absolutely sound like ur done with this woman. People grow and change. In this case, I two didn’t grow and change together. 
 

Therapy will help u guys for sure. I don’t think it’ll be to reconcile, but it’ll be a healthy ending to this affair. 
 

so good job, and keep going! Please make sure she goes to her own therapy too.