Son seems fine just 'getting by'

[Otter2569]

I could use advice to help spur my son to take charge of his life.  My 20-year-old son works nights and lives at home with me.  Since graduating high school, he has done nothing to advance himself professionally.  He has talked about getting his real estate license, applying to community college and applying for more career-oriented jobs but has not.

He is a responsible young man, saves his money and has good common sense but I see nothing happening on his end to better himself professionally.  l am at a loss.

[glows]

Have you spoken to him? Might he have a plan or is working on something/moving up with his current employer? 

[basil67]

This article was in our news yesterday after the graduation of this year's high schoolers https://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life-and-relationships/why-you-should-ignore-your-parents-and-take-a-gap-year-20221214-p5c68g.html   (acronyms: ATAR is the required mark for university entrance and TAFE is technical/trades college)

Sometimes it takes a while to figure out what we want to do for a career, and there's no sense rushing the decision before being sure of what you want.  Sure, my daughter had a plan from year 11 and went straight to uni then to work.  But my nephew worked as a bartender for a few years and then decided that he wanted to learn a trade.   He studied, qualified and is now working in a high demand trade and enjoying his job.  Both kids are successful despite taking different paths.

You've got a good kid, respectful and with a good work ethic.  Give him the space to mature and figure out what he wants to do.  As long as he's working, there's no rush.

 

Edited December 15, 2022 by basil67

[Otter2569]

34 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You've got a good kid, respectful and with a good work ethic.  Give him the space to mature and figure out what he wants to do.  As long as he's working, there's no rush.

 

This is exactly what I have been doing.  I am supportive and ask every now and then but he says he has no idea what he wants to do for a career.  You can hear the frustration in his voice.  I don't press him.    

[Otter2569]

57 minutes ago, glows said:

Have you spoken to him? Might he have a plan or is working on something/moving up with his current employer? 

Ive asked a few times and it is a painful conversation.  He really doesn't seem to know.  Ive encouraged him to take A class and apply for different jobs but I haven't seen any effort.

[glows]

It’s good that you’re supportive and encouraging. Is he able to support himself should he move out? Perhaps it’s the living situation that feels more perplexing or are you ok with him staying with you?

Was the goal of having him stay with you to further himself professionally? (Help with living expenses etc) He may not understand if you haven’t communicated clearly that he can stay with you based on that condition.

Edited December 15, 2022 by glows

[Otter2569]

1 hour ago, glows said:

... Is he able to support himself should he move out? Perhaps it’s the living situation that feels more perplexing or are you ok with him staying with you?

Was the goal of having him stay with you to further himself professionally? (Help with living expenses etc) He may not understand if you haven’t communicated clearly that he can stay with you based on that condition.

On his own he would not be able to support himself financially - at least not without roommates.  I never set any conditions or expectations other thinking that things would naturally fall into place.  His older brother went to college, got a job n moved out so expected that he would eventually follow suit, 

[Coasting1991]

How is he outside of work/careers? Does he have hobbies, goals, aspirations? I'm wondering if maybe his current job is holding him back. I've worked overnight shifts before and it can completely sap you of motivation because you're so tired if you don't handle the transition well. Maybe he just doesn't have the energy to figure it out? 

[BaileyB]

I have a similar situation in my house…

He is in school but only because his father literally drives him to school and helped him to complete the application/student loan. He’s not working and when you ask him what he wants to do when he’s done school he says… “I don’t know.” When you ask him where he wants to work he says “I don’t know.” 

I struggle with this - of course, he is not going to know what he wants to do but the lack of ambition for school, work, and life in general is difficult to watch some days…

[glows]

1 hour ago, Otter2569 said:

On his own he would not be able to support himself financially - at least not without roommates.  I never set any conditions or expectations other thinking that things would naturally fall into place.  His older brother went to college, got a job n moved out so expected that he would eventually follow suit, 

It doesn’t always happen that way. Your older son might have been more proactive but they’re two different people. I’d talk with him and ask him how he’s doing, just check in without mentioning career. He may have to hear you say that you won’t always be around to help him out and he’ll have to learn to provide for himself.

This has more to do with him being self-reliant eventually rather than being ambitious as not everyone is driven by ambition. The goal should be independence. Would you be satisfied with that as his parent?

[Lotsgoingon]

Does he have any friends? One problem is he sounds very isolated, even if he's not complaining about that.

 

[Otter2569]

11 hours ago, Coasting1991 said:

How is he outside of work/careers? Does he have hobbies, goals, aspirations? I'm wondering if maybe his current job is holding him back. I've worked overnight shifts before and it can completely sap you of motivation because you're so tired if you don't handle the transition well. Maybe he just doesn't have the energy to figure it out? 

He does have a few close friends he hangs out with and he went bowling with coworkers this week so he is reasonably active but the night shift is draining.

[Otter2569]

8 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Does he have any friends? One problem is he sounds very isolated, even if he's not complaining about that.

 

He has several close friends but they all seem to be in the same boat - working jobs but not career oriented and living at home which is probably pretty normal for this age.

[Otter2569]

10 hours ago, glows said:

... I’d talk with him and ask him how he’s doing, just check in without mentioning career. He may have to hear you say that you won’t always be around to help him out and he’ll have to learn to provide for himself.

This has more to do with him being self-reliant eventually rather than being ambitious as not everyone is driven by ambition. The goal should be independence. Would you be satisfied with that as his parent?

Good advice.  He is responsible and has always worked (even while in high school).  For me, its getting him to move forward and upward.  Self-sufficiency and independence would be great.  

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like he's working and he'll find his way forward. 

Are you charging him rent? That's a step some parents do--often just a nominal amount. A young guy I know--his parents charged him $100 a month I think. The money isn't the point (you can charge less even). The point is to encourage the son to be aware that living requires paying rent and that as an adult, you want to live less and less off your parents. 

Is son paying his own phone bill? That's a good move to get that going if you guys are paying his bill. 

He's 20 ... if he's not getting in trouble, if he has friends, if he's not doing drugs, if he goes to work, if he is a good person, I am thinking your worry is misplaced. All his good qualities will lead him over time to building a life he really likes AWAY from his parents. Really as hard as it sounds, you can be proud that you raised a good kid. And ambition isn't done at 20. There's plenty of time for him to develop ambition. 

 

[glows]

2 hours ago, Otter2569 said:

Good advice.  He is responsible and has always worked (even while in high school).  For me, its getting him to move forward and upward.  Self-sufficiency and independence would be great.  

As they say, necessity is the mother of invention. He has no need to develop himself further because he’s comfortable at home. Harsh reality for both parent and child. 

20 is a difficult age. I’d figure out first if you want him staying with you. He may have to grow onwards and find a roommate to see what he’s capable of or wants for himself.

[Otter2569]

3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Are you charging him rent? That's a step some parents do--often just a nominal amount. A young guy I know--his parents charged him $100 a month I think. The money isn't the point (you can charge less even). The point is to encourage the son to be aware that living requires paying rent and that as an adult, you want to live less and less off your parents. 

Is son paying his own phone bill? That's a good move to get that going if you guys are paying his bill. 

I have thought about charging him something for rent but currently do not.  He does pay for his car loan and his portion of the auto insurance. 

He is very low maintenance and can stay here as long as he wants.  I feel like I am at a loss on helping him move forward from a career development and educational standpoint.

[Lotsgoingon]

I say just listen to him as much as you can--as part of hearing where he is and what his mind is churning over. 

And then you'll be in a better place to encourage him. But chill for now. Think long term. You would like him on a career path by 30, right? I'm just picking an age. If you happen to see a job opportunity that pays better and has more of a career path than his current job, share it with him.

It's great that he's paying for car loan and his part of car insurance. Really good!  And consider asking for a nominal amount for rent as well, but no rush on that! In fact, I think it's best to only ask for more payment if you're really getting along with him. Then the kid experiences the rent payment as a reality check of what it takes to survive in the world. Charge rent suddenly when you're mad at the kid, and the kid doesn't get the lesson about what it takes to survive--and instead gets lost on how mean his parents are.

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

And consider asking for a nominal amount for rent as well. Then the kid experiences the rent payment as a reality check of what it takes to survive in the world.

This is what my parents did when I finished school. They allowed me to stay home for a while to save money before moving out, but they charged me a small amount of rent because my mom said “you need to learn that it costs money to live, you don’t get to keep your whole paycheck.”

One of my friends did this for her daughter who was not in school, working a minimum wage job, and had no intention of moving out. They charged her rent and after a year or two, the rent started to increase every six months (real world experience). They then took the money that she paid them and put it aside - for her use of/when she ever decided to go back to school and/or for the down payment of a home. I thought that was a brilliant way to support a young adult as they are learning to be independent… 

[Lotsgoingon]

And my parents did that when I finished college and was trying to get started in a field that payed very little for starting jobs. And yes, I think my rent payment was increased over time as well. I have to say: charging rent really helped me grow up.

A kid I know in his 20s--his parents charged him while he was living there a year ago. Again, maybe $100 a month or so--nothing like real market rates. But he felt the effect psychologically. It's like a message that your parents are no longer going to totally baby you (if they ever did). And it's empowering to be able to contribute. 

I definitely found myself thinking hard about how much money I'd have to make in order to pay rent on my own away from home. 

 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Otter2569 said:

I have thought about charging him something for rent but currently do not.  He does pay for his car loan and his portion of the auto insurance. 

He is very low maintenance and can stay here as long as he wants.  I feel like I am at a loss on helping him move forward from a career development and educational standpoint.

That's a tough one because he sounds like a responsible good kid. Maybe his lightbulb moment hasn't hit him yet. In a way it's better than pursuing training and education for a profession you end up hating.

He doesn't seem spoiled at all and charging rent probably won't help him be more inspired or decisive.

There are late bloomers. People who go to med school or law school or business school in their 30s after getting tired of deadend jobs.

20 is a young adult and he's not loafing. Right now he's just started earning his own money. Give him time and soon enough he'll get sick of low-level jobs.

 

Edited December 17, 2022 by Wiseman2

[S2B]

You could have him see a career counselor that could guide him to work that he would be interested in.

most people get really motivated by work they find fascinating. Maybe he just needs to find out what his interest is.

I say yes, charge him some rent. He needs to start understanding what it will be like to pay for himself as he grows up. He could contribute to groceries as well so that’s not such a shock when he eventually moves out. It would gradually get him accustomed to what he will find when he’s on his own.

and you could (without telling him) save the rent money he pays you and give it to him when he moves out.

this would show him what it will be like when he does move. But he would also become proud of himself that he is beginning to understand how to be an adult.

[Weezy1973]

I was a very late bloomer and sound a lot like your son when I was that age. I’ll say a lot of my lack of ambition was actually driven by anxiety - and I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 36 years old. But it could be that for your son even thinking about what to choose for a career invokes a lot of anxiety. So instead he avoids it all together and keeps doing the same things as it’s comfortable.
 

That’s what I did. I worked at a gas station until I was 32. Was working my way through university- graduated when I was 31 with a degree that didn’t give me any type of a career. Got a soulless office job and worked up to middle management in my mid 30s and it wasn’t until my mid 40s that I decided to pursue an actual career in something that I enjoy and am good at, entirely unrelated to my degree or previous work experience. And I’ll say again, a major driver of my lack of ambition when I was younger was severe anxiety. So just a possibility, and would also explain why he treats the question with such disdain. It probably is very uncomfortable for him to think about.

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

And I’ll say again, a major driver of my lack of ambition when I was younger was severe anxiety.

Appreciate your post, this is certainly the case for my step son. 

[Atwood]

Giving him space and being supportive is the best you can do and the right thing to do imo, so I think you're doing all you can. He's only 20. We have to remember that things take longer now and kids are growing up more slowly. When my parents were starting out, people got full-time jobs at 16, sometimes married with kids by the time they hit 20. This isn't the done thing now for a lot of people. Most people are still figuring out what their education is going to be in their early twenties, graduate in their twenties, maybe secure full-time employment mid-late twenties. This is providing they have support at home/aren't forced out before they're ready. 

We can't tell what the future holds, but if we have a safe, supportive environment as a safety net that we know we can come back to, it will make it a lot easier to kick out on our own independently and risk making mistakes. My parents housed me and took care of me unconditionally whilst I completed my education and worked my first temporary job (paid cheap housekeep because I chose to and wanted to help, they never asked for it). Now in my mid-late twenties, I credit my parents unwavering support and patience whilst I laid the ground work and now have my own fully-functioning life.

Let him know it's okay to try things and quit if he hates it. It's okay to give things a try and fail. You won't let him fall too hard whilst he's trying and failing and learning what he wants to do with his life. Sometimes the biggest paralysis is feeling like you can't put a foot wrong or if you take a step forward you can't come back. 

If I can emphasise anything, 20 is still so incredibly young and it will come in time. You're doing a really good job, and so will he