Over 2 months and not sure if it's progressing?

[Gaeta]

Did you meet online and are your profiles still up?

[glows]

3 hours ago, sushiandtacos said:

I ask myself this sometimes lol

There are some moments when we are together that I appreciate about him and things he has done even though it's hard for him to talk about/express any once of feelings. But the question is, is this enough? 

I suspect your friend who mentioned he’s guarded or defensive is onto something. It doesn’t matter how attractive, alluring, hot or charming a person is. If he or she can’t be genuine and communicate what they want or be direct, that person needs to go back to the drawing board and figure out what they want or have more confidence. 

Sometimes speaking verbally is not the only way a person shows their affections. He may just be there whenever you call or every time you send a text his text comes right back. Maybe it’s one short sentence and not a block of writing. He may be a man of few words but you sense immediately that he’s present and not insecure, distracted, “busy”. When you’re in person you don’t need to have verbal diarrhea together but know how attentive he is by the way he treats you or the way he approaches any issues. It sounds like this man already rubbed you the wrong way with his communication style and sure, maybe he’s defensive and and makes up kooky reasons to explain why he’s always busy. I tend to think busy people are getting things done. They’re not announcing to anyone that they’re busy and they take ownership for things that come up, never brushing someone aside or making someone feel like they’re not a priority. 

I can see why you feel slightly put off but open enough to have wanted to see where this was going. If you can sense anything about him is genuine, I’d say give it a shot but there’s some disingenuity combined with you feeling uneasy overall. That trumps any communication style, imo.

 

[glows]

3 hours ago, sushiandtacos said:

After ya'lls help and advice, I think I'm getting a clearer idea of what to do. 

Should I see him before we both leave for the holidays to fully decide? 

No one can answer this. Maybe you’re not ready to say anything and want to continue seeing him or you’re going to break it off. We don’t know what you’re thinking of saying or what is going on in your respective lives. Do you mind clarifying?

[sushiandtacos]

57 minutes ago, glows said:

I suspect your friend who mentioned he’s guarded or defensive is onto something. It doesn’t matter how attractive, alluring, hot or charming a person is. If he or she can’t be genuine and communicate what they want or be direct, that person needs to go back to the drawing board and figure out what they want or have more confidence. 

I agree with this, for sure.

58 minutes ago, glows said:

Sometimes speaking verbally is not the only way a person shows their affections. He may just be there whenever you call or every time you send a text his text comes right back. Maybe it’s one short sentence and not a block of writing. He may be a man of few words but you sense immediately that he’s present and not insecure, distracted, “busy”. When you’re in person you don’t need to have verbal diarrhea together but know how attentive he is by the way he treats you or the way he approaches any issues. It sounds like this man already rubbed you the wrong way with his communication style and sure, maybe he’s defensive and and makes up kooky reasons to explain why he’s always busy. I tend to think busy people are getting things done. They’re not announcing to anyone that they’re busy and they take ownership for things that come up, never brushing someone aside or making someone feel like they’re not a priority. 

You hit the nail on the head with this. He doesn't send long texts rarely, just short and to the point mostly to make plans. But whether he be genuinely busy or not, when you've been seeing someone for a few months, it's important for me to feel like I'm not being brushed aside. I get that he's not ready to make me a priority when just over 2 months in, but don't make it me feel like I'm not important. TBH I'm just as busy as he is, but I don't make it sound like I'm fitting him into my schedule so to speak. 

[sushiandtacos]

20 minutes ago, glows said:

No one can answer this. Maybe you’re not ready to say anything and want to continue seeing him or you’re going to break it off. We don’t know what you’re thinking of saying or what is going on in your respective lives. Do you mind clarifying?

Sorry, I should've been clearer lol.

My interest has been waning because of the lack of communication in between and him conveying his busy schedule when planning to do things etc. I'm not as happy or excited about this anymore like I was in the beginning. I'm thinking of letting this one go.

I just don't know if I should see him in person one last time to really decide. 

[Lotsgoingon]

I say ban the word "busy" from your thinking. Instead, focus on available and responsive--those words are much better.

There are super busy people who are extremely responsive and in touch with their partners. There are people not really busy who aren't responsive or much available to their partners. 

And then there are people who hide behind the phrase "busy" when really they're just unavailable and unresponsive and actually not that interested, though they don't want to admit that.

 

[glows]

52 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said:

Sorry, I should've been clearer lol.

My interest has been waning because of the lack of communication in between and him conveying his busy schedule when planning to do things etc. I'm not as happy or excited about this anymore like I was in the beginning. I'm thinking of letting this one go.

I just don't know if I should see him in person one last time to really decide. 

I’ve only known with deep conviction when breaking it off with someone. I’ve not gone to see someone to see if I still want to be with that person and could break up in the same meeting as well. It seems like an awfully twisty painful and uncertain spot here that you’ve found yourself in. I don’t have an answer what you should do but can only share what I think I’m seeing in your situation and what I’ve done in my past.

If you need more time and want to see where this goes with him, tell him how you feel and see what he says. I wouldn’t undermine your own time and the two months. That’s two months you could be doing other things and not being in this position, two months you might be living it up and having the time of your life not figuring out whether a guy who seems part time into it is someone you still want to see. Your time matters too. As long as you’re both on the same page, this could work but not with the wishy washy busy attitude that you keep getting from him.

Edited December 17, 2022 by glows

[Lauriebell82]

My boyfriend isn't a good text initiator,  but when it comes to making plans you can be sure he's making them! If he had to make a choice to send a text/call/ask about plans about seeing me vs not seeing me, that's one thing he's not wishy washy about! People prioritize what's important to them. Not everyone loves to chit chat over text and just "shoot the breeze" if you will, but if someone isn't reaching out to make plans early on...well then it's a pretty clear indicator I think of whether they are into the relationship or not. Even people who aren't great long term planners can at the very least plan dates in the short term if they are into the relationship. 

Edited December 17, 2022 by Lauriebell82

[poppyfields]

Hi sushi, 

At this point, after 2+ months of ambiguity, uncertainty and general unhappiness, I am curious what keeps you there?

Your first thread complaining about him not confirming your date was October 13th, and since then it's been one thing after another. 

Have you ever dated a man where his interest and attraction to you were more clear?   Less uncertain?  So you have a frame of reference?

Which is what all this "he doesn't text enough" is really about from where I'm sitting.  You're uncertain of his feelings. 

If so reflect back on those more positive experiences and moving forward, choose men who are capable and desirous of giving you that.

Who won't leave you in such a constant state of confusion, uncertainty and frustration.  

Make a promise to yourself next time you date a man, if you ever become so uncertain or confused, that you need to seek answers from an anonymous internet forum or even one of those fluff self-help relationship books, stop seeing him and move on.  Something's not right. 

It will save you tons of time and energy that you could have been devoting to finding a man with whom you're more compatible, who is interested in you the way you need for him to be interested in you. 

Sadly, that's not this man, I'm sorry. 

 

Edited December 17, 2022 by poppyfields

[Lotsgoingon]

Building on @poppyfieldsyou don't really want to work hard to feel appreciated because you'll only end up feeling insecure and anxious. 

The whole point of a good relationship is to not feel insecure and anxious. The point is to feel valued--without having to think hard and struggle and be patient and all that nonsense.  

Find a partner who is a better fit. And yes, this might be a change in thinking for you: the idea of finding someone who actually gives you what you want. 

[Alpacalia]

13 hours ago, sushiandtacos said:

Thanks @Alpacalia ❤️ 

Welcome. 🙂

Don't worry if he doesn't respond or text in a timely fashion. Instead, each time that you start to get worked up or start to wonder if he’s into you or not—take a deep breath and ask yourself if you'd want your best friend to date this person. If the answer is no—stop wasting your time.

Edited December 18, 2022 by Alpacalia

[sushiandtacos]

7 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Hi sushi, 

At this point, after 2+ months of ambiguity, uncertainty and general unhappiness, I am curious what keeps you there?

Your first thread complaining about him not confirming your date was October 13th, and since then it's been one thing after another. 

 

That was another guy poppy😅

But yes, I think it's clear that it's not working

Edited December 18, 2022 by sushiandtacos

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, sushiandtacos said:

My interest has been waning because of the lack of communication 

Well you're not exclusive, no less his GF so regular relationship level texting won't be happening.

Since you don't want to be exclusive, you're not the only woman on his radar. Maybe he's not a texter, maybe he's texting other more compatible women.

Either way you've identified a deal breaker for you, so your best recourse may be to just move along and leave him behind.

[Alpacalia]

Yes.

It's still unclear to me if you're dating these other men because you truly want to and don't wish to be exclusive with anyone or for some other reason.

Having more options would give you the confidence to leave stagnant relationships (presumably).

Edited December 18, 2022 by Alpacalia

[introverted1]

never mind

 

Edited December 18, 2022 by introverted1

[smackie9]

I totally get it, it comes down to expectations. And yes I too would expect the same and that communicating between dates is important because it builds connection/intimacy. Feeling desired is part of the experience. And for them to let you know they are thinking of you means A LOT. This guy ain't cutting it. I most definitely wouldn't let this go on for 2 months. 3 weeks if that is my max, then they got punted to the curb. And guess what, they didn't seem bothered by it so that just answered all my questions.

[Calmandfocused]

On 12/17/2022 at 12:24 AM, Gaeta said:

Well, I personally don't think it's a good idea. Multi-dating for 2-3 dates is ok but multi-dating when you've been seeing someone regularly for 2 months and being intimate with them, that's something else. At some point we need to let someone go. If you always split your attention amoung many men, none of them will appear special to you.

So let's talk about this first. 

This man has ever told you he misses you? he's been thinking about you? he can't wait to see you? Does he talk about doing something special together but in a few weeks like a weekend away? 

Agree 100% 

Sushi, I’d advise you not to just focus on his text frequency but to consider the whole picture. 
 

However, I did not like his text about the Christmas Market. To me he was indicating that he simply met with you to pass the time together. He didn’t even tell you he had a good time. To me it shows what a low priority you are in his life. He’s telling you as much! 
 

How is his behaviour in any shape or form making you feel important, valued or special? I can’t see it at all! He seems cold, emotionless and guarded. 
 

“Busy” people make time for things that are important to them. Period. 
 

Look people are usually on their best behaviour at the start of a relationship. If it’s not good now it definitely won’t be in 6 months time. 
 

If you’re content with being on someone’s very low priority list then continue. If you want better for yourself then get rid of him. 
 

Don’t hang on hoping that his communication style with you will change. It won’t! You’ve already let him know that this behaviour is acceptable to you. The boundaries are already set. 

[poppyfields]

15 hours ago, sushiandtacos said:

That was another guy poppy😅

But yes, I think it's clear that it's not working

Sorry my bad.  I assumed they were one in the same as you've been dating this guy for 2+ months and the date with the man I referenced was 2 months ago.

In any event, I am still curious to know the answers to my other questions, if you're inclined to answer. 

Or perhaps to only answer to yourself.

All the best sushi. 

 

[JTSW]

The person to talk to about all this is him.

Tell him your feelings, lay it all on the table.

At least then you'll know if you're wasting your time or not.

You have a right to know where the relationship is heading.

[poppyfields]

sushi, is there an update?  Are you still seeing him?   If so, I have a rather bold question, are you in love with him?

I asked before, but what really keeps you there other than that?

I'm not judging, I've stayed too long in relationships too, with men who weren't right for me at all.

In any event, curious to know what if anything has transpired.

Hope you're well in any event.  xoxo

[mortensorchid]

Some people are bad texters, that's a fact.  However, you must also see it this way: He's bad at communications.  

Many have come down upon me for lamenting certain things.  Well, communication is the best thing to do in every and any situation.  And if one party is not practicing good communication skills with the other, they are not going to have a good time with the partner.  If someone doesn't reach out when they are supposed to, they are doing so because they either don't want to or they are doing something else.  And in your case, I think he's doing other things.  And so should you.  You said so yourself - You are chatting with others online.  You seem to think he is doing the same.  Well, keep on doing that and keep your options open.  Because he's telling you that you are not a priority.  

[Lorenza]

I tortured myself dating bad texters for a long time, trying to convince myself that I can be ok with less communication in between dates or that texting is not important. It didn´t feel good. Now I´m dating someone who likes to text a lot and matches my energy. And he facetimes me near daily as well. Don´t settle. 

[poppyfields]

This isn't about his dislike of texting (per se), it's about what his dislike of texting (with the OP) represents.  Combined with his overall nonchalant attitude towards OP.

Unless there's been some drastic change since her last post, he's not that into her as the saying goes, this is casual for him.

With another woman, he might be a great texter!  Wanting to spend time with her, asking questions, demonstrating he gives a *.

I asked for an update earlier, I think we'd all like one. 

Personally, I'd love to hear you have moved on from him sushi.

Your call of course. 

 

 

Edited December 28, 2022 by poppyfields

[stillafool]

I agree with Poppy that there are no bad texters.  It depends on their level of interest in you.  When you're on man's mind and they want to talk and hear from you, they will reach out.  It never fails.

[FMW]

My guy doesn't text anyone (including me, his friends, his family, etc.) unless absolutely necessary.  For example, his last text to me last evening was "10 minutes" meaning he was running late but would pick me up in 10 minutes.  He's not a "bad texter", he just chooses not to communicate in that way.  However, he does call and makes sure we spend plenty of time together.  Communication is the key, however that happens.