Difficulty coping with breakup

[RosieDunne]

Me and my boyfriend were together for over 8 years, he was everything to me, my whole world. I always saw a future with him, we nearly bought a house together last year (my money). I broke up with him at the beginning of this year and am really struggling. I felt I had no choice left due to his heavy drinking, drug and weed addiction. I’m talking alcohol every day, his money, my money, money I leant him for our future. He began to ooze this depression cloud I felt I couldn’t crawl out from. He stopped living life like a normal human. There were a lot of traumatic events near the end of our relationship and I couldn’t do it anymore. But I still think about us every day, does it ever get easier? Does this pain ever lessen? I completely crushed him and it destroyed me, he says I ripped his life out from under him that day, but I did the same to myself and I still cry about it every day.

 

I have actually found someone new I care about very very much but I can’t get past the hurt from my breakup and I’m scared about getting someone involved when Im this broken. Is it unfair of me? Does the fact I miss my ex so much mean I’m unfaithful? We lived together for 7 years and we had everything in common. He wasn’t just my boyfriend he was my best friend. 
 

any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. I tried therapy for several months but it was too expensive and honestly didn’t help at all, it was ‘listen but no advice’ situation and I just felt unheard  I am on heavy antidepressants and last year was very suicidal. I would just really appreciate a friendly voice 

Edited December 16, 2022 by RosieDunne
More info

[RosieDunne]

We’re both 28, just for context 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, RosieDunne said:

Ihave actually found someone new I care about very very much but I can’t get past the hurt from my breakup and I’m scared about getting someone involved when Im this broken. 

You did the right thing, even though it hurts now. It's ok to date again even if you haven't completely processed such a long term relationship.

It's great you are taking care of yourself and your health. Try not to think of yourself as broken. It took a long lot of strength to leave a bad situation.

[RosieDunne]

Thank you so much ❤️ I’m just scared, I find myself comparing a lot to my past relationship. The drink and drugs were bad but other than that we were perfect, I’ve never found someone so similar to me and we never fought and we just understood each other on another level

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, RosieDunne said:

The drink and drugs were bad but other than that we were perfect

Relationships don't exist in a vacuum, though. 

The serious issues with drinking and drugs were as much a part of the relationship as the good stuff. You are compartmentalizing when you really shouldn't be. Remember that the relationship existed as a whole, with the good parts mixed in with the very bad. It's the nature of toxic relationships. You can't extricate the great from the horrible. 

No doubt you did the right thing. For every guy you meet who you think doesn't measure up to your ex, keep in mind that your ex doesn't measure up to them - assuming they are not addicts as well. That's not to say every new guy will be a prince, but rather that your ex came with some incredible dysfunction. 

On 12/17/2022 at 12:31 AM, RosieDunne said:

I have actually found someone new I care about very very much but I can’t get past the hurt from my breakup

You are not ready for a new relationship. You haven't healed from the previous one yet. And that's perfectly norrmal and acceptable, but you need to stay single and not date anyone else until you are much further along in your healing. Be kind and patient with yourself, but go though this on your own and without a new guy hanging around. It isn't fair to him, and it will stop you from doing the real moving on that you need to do. 

[stillafool]

It probably would have been better to go through therapy to help you get over your ex before entering another relationship.  Now you realize you aren't over your ex and yes it is unfair to your new boyfriend.   You did do the right thing by breaking up with your ex.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

You absolutely did the right thing.  I have learned that love is not enough.  Sometimes you are not meant to be with someone even if you love them.

‘You should take more time to be independent and be your own person and get over your past relationship.  It is about letting go of dreams.  You are hanging onto false fantasy of this great life that you COULD have had.  But life is about what is happening now and the reality that now gives you.

‘Read the book the power of now and set yourself free.

[JTSW]

He has major issues that he never seemed to want to resolve.

He was the one killing the relationship, not you.

You absolutely did the right thing, for the both of you.

He needed a good dose of reality in order for him see what he was doing.

Don't feel guilty. 

Allow yourself to be happy with someone who has their s**t together.

You deserve it.

[Atwood]

The right thing is very often the most difficult thing. I'm sorry you're going through this. It will definitely get easier and less painful with time. 

If you're going to continue in this new relationship, at least provide full disclosure. Be open about your current feelings because of the messy breakup and your struggle to move past it. The person you're with now deserves agency in choice in deciding to get involved with you. It's okay to feel sadness, guilt, regret and frustration about the right decision. Let yourself feel them and let your brain process these feelings. It will get better. 

[glows]

It gets easier but that depends on you and the choices you make going forward.

Are you still connected to your ex in any way through social media etc? For ie, are you seeing status updates regularly or photos and other info about what he’s doing? 

[mtnbiker3000]

"he was everything to me, my whole world"

Replace "he" with "I". Try to make yourself everything you need. If you receive this as a gift from someone else, then it can (and will) be taken from you again.

If you're interested in some good reading which might help you, I recommend the book "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway", by Susan Jeffers.

Edited December 31, 2022 by mtnbiker3000

[RosieDunne]

It’s been over a year now since we broke up and I still struggle with it every day. It gets to the point sometimes I am so low I don’t know what I’m doing. My life has moved on, I got a new job that I love, made great new friends, I live with my new boyfriend now. But I haven’t healed and now I feel so lost with what to do. Will it ever get easier? Should it have got easier by now? There are some weeks where I feel completely past it, and then weeks like this where I feel completely hopeless. My new boyfriend knows the extent to which I am not over my ex, it is very difficult for him and we have nearly broken up over it a few times. I am extremely grateful that he’s decided to stay with me and forgive me but I get so scared I am doing a horrible thing by being with him if I’m still not over my ex? My new boyfriend has all the qualities I wanted and needed and is a stable, supportive partner, but I still feel like I’m heavily grieving. What do I do? Me and my ex are both in new relationships but until recently we were in constant contact. I cut ties and blocked him a month ago now and haven’t spoken to him since and promised my new boyfriend I won’t. At first it was really easy, but now I am struggling and I feel unfaithful for it and I know my new boyfriend would leave me if he knew. I think that’s the key difference between them, that my ex was more understanding of me and my emotions where as maybe my new boyfriend thinks when I’m in emotional pain it’s a dig against him and it just isn’t, I’m just in pain. please help. I’ve had my antidepressants upped but they’re not helping. 

[Wiseman2]

On 12/16/2022 at 6:31 PM, RosieDunne said:

 I am on heavy antidepressants and last year was very suicidal. 

Sorry this is happening. Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps Permanently.

It's great you have a new job and BF. However your trauma -bond seems to be understanding your present relationship.

Please consider seeing your physician/psychiatrist for a reevaluation of your symptoms and medical treatment. Please ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

[stillafool]

May I ask why you would choose to live with a new boyfriend when you aren't over your ex?  You asked us if it was wrong to get into a new relationship if you weren't over your ex back in December.  We told you it was wrong and here you are moved in with him still asking the same question.  Why?

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, RosieDunne said:

I’ve had my antidepressants upped but they’re not helping.

This is because you also have to help yourself.

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, RosieDunne said:

I cut ties and blocked him a month ago now and haven’t spoken to him since and promised my new boyfriend I won’t.

So now you're experiencing the withdrawal you should have experienced a  year ago. When we breakup with someone it is imperative we cut contact with them, exactly to avoid what you're going through right now. You have no choice but to bite the dust and hold on until the withdrawal is gone, it will go away. If you ever contact him again you will fall back to square one. I am sure you are tired of dragging this feeling with you so do-not-contact-him-ever-again. Taking antidepressant will help but like Stillafool said you need to help yourself. Find good books on letting go and search for a support group.