Flirty but unavailable co-worker. What does he want?

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

I started working at a new place 4 months ago. I have never before participated in a workplace romance or anything of the sort, anywhere that I have worked before. This is all the more why this specific situation is quite unique and new for me. 

There is a male co-worker at this new workplace with whom I have chemistry. He however has a long-term partner of 15 years, with whom he has a son who is 11. This man describes his relationship with his partner as ‘living in sin”; as unmarried but intimate Christians. 

Due to his unavailability but the involuntary chemistry existing, I have tried for these 3 months, to avoid interacting with this person as much as is feasible. I do not want to go down a slippery slope, especially in a workplace situation. However, we do have to work closely together. And the chemistry has been growing, involuntarily.

Something that is rather toxic is that this man seems to take pleasure in teasing me. It is a repeating cycle. It start with him giving me a lot of attention to try and get me to lower my guard a little, I keep my guard high for days and he persists until I get the slightest bit vulnerable, at which point he suddenly withdraws the attention and starts talking about his wife. So he shoots at me at the points in the cycle when my guard is lowered, in other words. Perhaps a little sadistic on his part.

I am struggling to think of a solution to this, but I feel that the only one might be to completely ignore this man and communicate only minimally. I have tried doing this as I have mentioned, but he tries to break down these walls when I put them up. Being a little lonely at work as well, since most of the crowd who work there are in a completely different age bracket to us, it is hard to not talk to him for too long anyway, from a social perspective.

This man doesn’t care at all about his job i should mention, whereas I do. He has less to lose with all of this flirting, but I do not want to indulge in it if it’s just going to lead nowhere. To him it is simply a game and an ego boost, but for me, I am starting to like him more than I wanted to. I am wondering whether the only solution is simply to leave the job.

Would really appreciate some advice, thanks.

 

[glows]

18 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

This man doesn’t care at all about his job i should mention, whereas I do. He has less to lose with all of this flirting, but I do not want to indulge in it if it’s just going to lead nowhere.

Well, that says it all, doesn’t it. Doesn’t care about his job. Doesn’t seem to care about his relationship flirting or chatting up women at work. What does this tell you about this person? Steer clear of individuals like this. He sounds starved for attention and has sought out someone else who also wants that attention or likes it- you.

You care about your job so you’re both different. Don’t expect him to understand you or be on the same wavelength. Report him to HR and document what he says and anything inappropriate that he sends you. 

[NuevoYorko]

WHOA.   

Don't be so passive.  Who cares what he wants?  Well, obviously you do, but what do YOU want?  Would you enjoy starting a workplace affair with an attached family man?  Who doesn't care about his job?  Really?  So, since he's a "no go" person for you, what he wants is not pertinent to anything.

Attraction and chemistry happen ALL. THE. TIME.   It rarely means much of anything.   Also there are flirtatious people.  Flirting is just part of their personality. There are people who love to tease others.  It isn't necessarily "toxic."  It's his personality.  Maybe he's a jerk,  so what , he's not your problem. It doesn't have to mean that *something* is gonna happen at all.  

I can't believe you're thinking  about leaving your job because you are aware of chemistry.  Is he touching you or harassing you in other ways?  Has he actually asked you out in an inappropriate way?  (Coffee in the break room with a co-worker is not inappropriate; going out to dinner alone together after hours would be inappropriate for a virtually married man).  

It's also concerning that you're considering "completely ignoring" an associate with whom you say you must work closely.  

This guy is NOTHING to you besides a co-worker with a flirty demeanor.  You and ONLY you are in charge of your own emotions and behavior.  You don't need to indulge in your little crush any further.   Rein yourself back and behave in a pleasant and professional manner.   If he's really coming on strong you might have to ask him to move along, you're busy, or something.  Of course if he's harassing you, it should be brought to the attention of HR.  From your description, though. this is not the case and you will be causing yourself workplace misery if you make a huge deal of it in any way right now.  

Side note:  I replied to a thread of yours last year regarding a guy you met who was "happily single" that you developed a crush on.  That went pretty badly and affected your social life.   Please try not to follow that path now.  Alienating yourself at work will be much more of an issue than loosing connections from a casual meet-up group.  

[poppyfields]

BB, there is a saying "unavailable people atttact unavailable people."

There are other similar expressions - "water seeks its own level," "like attracts like" among others. 

What they all mean is that we are drawn to people most like us. 

This man is married, with a family, he is unavailable.  Nor does it appear he has any interest in you besides toying with you, mentally and emotionally, when it suits him. . 

So my question to you and one I hope you will think about is, how was it you became so attracted to him and felt this "chemistry"?

Genuine romantic chemistry between two people is typically mutual, and it's clear from your post that you are the only one feeling it.

Which suggests what's pulling you is not genuine chemistry, but rather his charm, charisma and the attention he gives you, when it suits him and he needs a laugh. 

I'm sorry if that hurts you, but you've been struggling trying to find a good man with whom you're compatible for quite awhile and perhaps it's time to look within for the answer, which is actually where most or many answers can be found. 

There is a reason you are so drawn to this unavailable man such that you are now considering quitting your job? 

I know you are averse to therapy so I won't advise that, but I hope you will take some time to reflect on this and introspect, otherwise chances of you finding a good healthy relationship with an available man with whom you're compatible will be an exercise in futility. 

In the meantime, with this man, you have agency here. 

You have it within you to recognize this is a losing situation for you and turn this chemistry you're feeling OFF. 

It's actually quite easy to do once you recognize it IS a losing situation for you. 

Mind over matter. 

Good luck BB.

 

 

 

 

Edited December 17, 2022 by poppyfields

[basil67]

This business of you keeping your guard high, it's all part of the dance between you.  You play coy and he likes to break through, and I wager you know exactly the tease you're being.

If you really want this to end, you need to tell him that you will no longer be participating in it and you need him to quit it.  This is not to be delivered with a cheeky smile or apologies....you must be firm and determined.   If he doesn't stop, tell him that you'll be taking notes and will report him for sexual harassment if it continues. 

[NuevoYorko]

I would like to add that there is often a lot of projection and a lack of actually reading another person in situations such as this. 

The guy may be a pure extrovert who gets involved easily with people in all  environments.   I'm old and have worked a lot as a contractor in various situations.  There are so many people who will see a shy or seemingly withdrawn individual and just make it a project to draw them out.  They may be personally interested in the shy person - not romantically, but want to know what they're all about.   It doesn't mean that they're being "sadistic" or trying to start a sexual affair.   

This kind of thing is SO common in workplaces.  Sometimes it does lead to affairs or viable relationships but mostly it's just one of the myriad ways that social human beings end up interacting when they're thrown together with others for most of their waking hours of life.  

Of course this guy may be a devil or whatever.  None of the stuff you've described (teasing and "chemistry" are the only things mentioned) indicate anything bad about him, though.  I also give him points for steering your conversations towards his partner when you're talking.  That gives me a feeling that he is not trying to mess with you in any serious way.

OP it will do you good to get a hold of yourself regarding this situation.  YOU can drive your interactions with this guy and with other people as well.  You're not a "victim" because of teasing and chemistry.

Edited December 17, 2022 by NuevoYorko

[basil67]

Hmmm....I mentioned possible sexual harassment.  What's he actually doing or saying?  Would it be actually reportable or are you making more of it than it deserves?

[NuevoYorko]

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Hmmm....I mentioned possible sexual harassment.  What's he actually doing or saying?  Would it be actually reportable or are you making more of it than it deserves?

In reading the original post carefully, the only specific besides "chemistry" mentioned is "teasing."  

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

This is a very one-sided game. I am not playing a dating game here- those kinds of things are not what I bring to the workplace. 

Me keeping my guard up is not intended to tease, but rather to help me block him out so that I am able to get on with and separate my work from this. He tries to break through the wall when I put it up in order to see if I will eventually cave in. And being human, and a lonely young woman at that, yes I do. It is why I do feel that this is a hopeless situation.

What’s particularly cruel is how he is so persistent throughout all the time that my guard is up, and as soon as I give in and replicate his interest, he tries to get to me with suddenly bringing up his partner. 

I have never had a situation like before where someone at work is giving me attention in this way and whom I mutually find interesting. It is a difficult situation since he has a partner and that too is a very novel situation for me in my life. It having been elevated now to the point where I feel I like this man, I do feel that the only option is to leave. 

[basil67]

29 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

What’s particularly cruel is how he is so persistent throughout all the time that my guard is up, and as soon as I give in and replicate his interest, he tries to get to me with suddenly bringing up his partner. 

This isn't cruel.  You choose to give in and play the gamd knowing he's got a partner.  Cruel would be pretending that he doesn't have a partner

That you give him and replicate his interest shows that it's not a one sided game at all.   One sided is getting the icks when he teases you!   I can only reiterate that if you want him to stop, you need to decide that you're not going to entertain this crush and tell him to act appropriately in no uncertain terms .

You're a participant, not a victim

[basil67]

45 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

In reading the original post carefully, the only specific besides "chemistry" mentioned is "teasing."  

@babybrowns What kind of teasing is he doing?  Can you give examples of what he's said?    

[NuevoYorko]

4 hours ago, babybrowns said:

 

Me keeping my guard up is not intended to tease, but rather to help me block him out so that I am able to get on with and separate my work from this. He tries to break through the wall when I put it up in order to see if I will eventually cave in. And being human, and a lonely young woman at that, yes I do. It is why I do feel that this is a hopeless situation.

What’s particularly cruel is how he is so persistent throughout all the time that my guard is up, and as soon as I give in and replicate his interest, he tries to get to me with suddenly bringing up his partner. 

 

Please give specific examples of what he does when he "tries to break through the wall."  Exactly what he is doing and saying.   I would like to understand how you know what is going on in his mind and what his motives are.   

I can't believe that it's egregious and "sadistic" like you've described it; otherwise you WOULD NOT be "replicating his interest" or getting vulnerable to him.  You would think he was a creep,  tell him to F off,  and report him to HR.  

 

[Beachead]

@babybrowns

What chemistry are you referring to OP?  I don't see anything I could classify as chemistry besides some teasing.

But assuming he is bad news or toxic as you've described, then a good question for you is why are you attracted to him?

- Feather

Edited December 18, 2022 by MisterFeather

[Weezy1973]

Op I think what’s happening here is you’re attracted to this guy. And when you behave in a way that shows it, he tries to shut it down immediately by mentioning his girlfriend / family. Everything else is just you misinterpreting things through the lens of a crush.

[ExpatInItaly]

This isn't as complicated as you're making it, OP. 

Just keep ignoring him, and only interact with him on a professional level. Easy. He will get bored and stop. 

It's only an issue because you are attracted to him and see yourself as a victim, which you are not. You are participating. You can stop that any time you want. 

 

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, babybrowns said:

.I am starting to like him more than I wanted to

You have complete control over this. It's an inappropriate crush, a fantasy.. He's off limits on several levels and makes you fully aware of it. This is to be honest with you not "sadistic". 

He doesn't seem to be harassing you, just being friendly making the time pass at work. 

You can't simultaneously accuse him of "toxic" teasing and harassment etc, but then you're the one with the inappropriate crush, not him.

[ShyViolet]

Maybe it's time to stop allowing this (and participating in this) and just tell him in very blatant terms to STOP.  Tell him his flirting makes you uncomfortable and you are not interested in him that way (even if that's not true deep down, but you know this dynamic is toxic and unhealthy for you, so it needs to stop).  If he continues, treat it as sexual harassment and tell him you will report him.  That may be the only way to put an end to this.  You shouldn't have to leave a job because of some man who is sexually harassing you and playing games with you.

[BaileyB]

16 hours ago, babybrowns said:

This is a very one-sided game.

No it’s not. 

He is teasing you because he knows that he will get a response from you. And, he does - 

16 hours ago, babybrowns said:

He tries to break through the wall when I put it up in order to see if I will eventually cave in. And being human, and a lonely young woman at that, yes I do.

if you continued to ignore him, he would eventually go away and leave you alone. 

You certainly do not need to leave your job. If you are unable to ignore him, or you tell him to stop and he does not stop, you could always report his behavior to HR and that would stop it. 

[smackie9]

I have been with my company for 32 years and I have seen and dealt with my fair share of situations. I have an assertive personality so I have no problem snuffing the issue out on the spot with firm expressive conversation, BUT you seem very passive/confused in what to do which is why you are here. This is harassment first and foremost. It saddens me that you think the only way out of this is to quit your job. Oh hell no! I get it you are lonely there, being the new employee, and don't want to cause trouble.

You need to look at this differently...you are not causing trouble, you are not being a bad person, you are not being rude. You just want to be left alone to do your job without interruption. Why should you be forced to leave? You and everyone that works there deserves a nice safe work enviroment.

You can approach this by first verbalizing that his behaviour is making you uncomfortable and tell him to stop it in a firm tone, right when he starts flirting with you.

If it doesn't work or you don't feel comfortable going that route, send him an email. One that is firm and right to the point. If that doesn't work, as a last ditch effort you go to your boss or HR and place a formal complaint.

One last thing...in the workplace age should be mute. I have developed great working relationships with employees of all ages, some being more than 30 year younger than me. Step out of your comfort zone and get to know these people. Never feel intimidated, they are just people.

 

[introverted1]

21 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I feel that the only one might be to completely ignore this man and communicate only minimally.

Perfect.  Keep it to professional communication only.

[NuevoYorko]

22 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

This is harassment first and foremost. It saddens me that you think the only way out of this is to quit your job. Oh hell no! I get it you are lonely there, being the new employee, and don't want to cause trouble.

Can you please tell me in what way the described situation equates to "harassment"?  Flirting with coworkers is NOT harassment.  Many people date among coworkers; one can assume that flirting at the office happened.   The OP wants to have an affair with this guy and "replicates his interest" when he flirts.  Her issue is that he then mentions his wife which she considers "sadistic."  

I agree with you 100% that she needs to shut it down but that would entail her quitting engaging with his flirtations.  Or whatever he's doing.  Also it would be appropriate for her to tell him frankly that she is uncomfortable when he speaks to her about non-work related things, and to STOP "replicating his interest" if he continues to do it.

My stepdaughter is a high level HR executive.  I am going to ask her opinion about this.  I am not sure that if one employee says to another "you speaking to me makes me uncomfortable, please stop," and the offender fails to stop, this is harassment.   I mean, if no intimidation, blatant sexual language, etc. is happening.   I don't see how that could be a sustainable situation.  There are always people we dislike at work and they don't necessarily stay out of our way.  In this case, the problem is that she WANTS him.  If she didn't would it be a problem at all?  

 

 

 

[BaileyB]

People don’t generally engage in behavior for no reason. She could shut this down if she really wanted to do so… and the fact that she doesn’t is what allows this behavior to persist. 

[mark clemson]

I doubt he intends to bother you. Some people like to flirt, some people don't. It's like casual drinking - if you don't like it/have no interest, don't participate. It's really that simple.

If he can "read" people at all a few hints and even just body language should show him you're bothered and he should back off. IF he doesn't or presses you on it, then push back harder until he leaves you alone. But I suspect you won't need to - people like this tend to have "plenty of other fish in the sea".

Edited December 18, 2022 by mark clemson

[poppyfields]

I used to work as a paralegal specializing in employment law and sexual harassment is defined as:

>>Behavior characterized by the making of unwelcome and inappropriate sexual remarks or physical advances in a workplace or other professional or social situation.<<

Here, @babybrowns since you are engaging in such behavior yourself, it would NOT be considered "unwelcome" and therefore not harassment.

If you were to shut his flirting and teasing down, ignore it, or assertively tell him to stop or reported it to HR if it makes you uncomfortable, and he continued, THAT is harassment and both he and the company would be liable. 

My take is, as others have said, you are attracted to this man, would like more to happen between you but just as things begin to escalate he shuts it down.  

This is hurtful to you but instead of owning your own role and taking responsibility by shutting it down yourself, you blame him and assign characteristics to him such as sadistic etc.

This is very wrong and unhealthy and I implore you again to look internally within yourself and take responsibility for your choices and what happens to you in life. 

As was mentioned previously, YOU have agency, you have power, please stop playing the victim, you only continue to hurt yourself by doing so. 

Edited December 18, 2022 by poppyfields

[babybrowns]

Hello all

Thank you so much for your posts. Sorry I’ve not logged on in a few days. 

I appreciate that a lot of you are suggesting I go to HR. This would be appropriate if it had got to an escalated level with concrete evidence for him to be challenged on, but it’s not at that ‘reportable’ stage as yet. Besides there are several reasons aside from this why I intend to leave my job, so I will be out soon anyway. 

The man is intelligent and can read that I make a conscious effort to distance myself from him when things get a little ‘friendly’ between us. But rather than do the considerate and respectful thing and back off, he sees it as a challenge and a game and tries to break through. He persists for days until I finally give in, then he backs right off again when he ‘has me’. It is a vicious cycle that I am desperate to get out of. I have never in my life been in a situation like this, and it plays havoc with one’s emotions. The man cares very little for anyone besides himself.

I know that the challenge for me is to not indulge his attempts to get close. I have been trying this for months.

But the problem here, is that I have developed a crush and I have grown to like this man’s attention. There are other things about my job that make me unhappy, and this serves as a nice antidote to that. It is bittersweet though since he already has a partner and a son, and from that angle too I really don’t want myself to get carried away. I don’t want to get hurt, by feelings growing when he already has someone else. 

There really is no option other than to leave; as I say he is one of multiple reasons that are making me want to go somewhere else so I’ll be out of there soon anyway.

Edited December 31, 2022 by babybrowns