Flirty but unavailable co-worker. What does he want?

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

. I don’t want to get hurt, by feelings growing when he already has someone else.

This is 100% in your control. Simply resolve yourself to think "he's taken, stay back".

Then date single available men outside of work so you're not trying to fill voids inappropriately with coworkers.

As far as job dissatisfaction, it's great you have your CV updated and are looking around. 

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I know that the challenge for me is to not indulge his attempts to get close. I have been trying this for months.

But the problem here, is that I have developed a crush and I have grown to like this man’s attention. 

^^OK so you've taken the first step BB.  Acknowledging you have a crush on and enjoy receiving attention from this person who is married and unavailable.  And who also gets off on playing head games with you. 

Now the second step is looking within and introspecting to determine why.

WHY you have developed this crush and why you're unable to manage your emotions and control your impulse to react.

Most people who are well-balanced and emotionally healthy would not have developed such a crush, and if they did would know how to manage their emotions and NOT indulge the person's shenanigans. 

That is the larger issue and the more difficult one to navigate and resolve BB. 

And until you do, either on your own or with the help of a qualified therapist, you will continue to find yourself entrenched in these types of toxic interactions, becoming attracted to and crushing on the "wrong" men and getting hurt. 

At this point BB it's become a pattern and you'd be wise to acknowledge it and deal with it. 

Sure you can leave your job, run away from the problem.

But that won't resolve the true issue, which again is within you.  And as such, will continue to repeat until you seek help to resolve it. 

All the best. 

 

 

Edited December 31, 2022 by poppyfields

[NuevoYorko]

7 hours ago, babybrowns said:

 

The man is intelligent and can read that I make a conscious effort to distance myself from him when things get a little ‘friendly’ between us. But rather than do the considerate and respectful thing and back off, he sees it as a challenge and a game and tries to break through. He persists for days until I finally give in, then he backs right off again when he ‘has me’. It is a vicious cycle that I am desperate to get out of. I have never in my life been in a situation like this, and it plays havoc with one’s emotions. The man cares very little for anyone besides himself.  

All the underlined is purely projection on your part.  This is unhealthy for you to indulge in.  Keep it simple.  You don't like the way your interactions with him go, they leave you feeling badly.  All the crap you think is going on in his mind is 1) probably off base and 2) useless to you.  All you need to do is take care of YOUR side of the street - which means you quit engaging with him on a personal level.  

Yes, you have a crush.  You're also a woman in your 30's in a professional environment. Your crushes are not anybody else's problem to handle. Just your own.   So do it. STOP THE PERSONAL ENGAGEMENT.   If you cannot (you CAN - it's more a question of whether you WILL) , recognize that this is a serious problem within YOURSELF and the guy has nothing to do with it.   I recall that you refuse to consider counseling but as long as you persist in getting inappropriately wrapped up in stuff that's not good for you and then flip it to be the other party's "fault," you won't ever get out of this recurring cycle.  Please consider getting counseling.

This is not dissimilar to a situation you created with a guy in a meetup group several months ago.  It went from friendly to very toxic and adversarial due to your response to what you perceived (and which may well have been) his flirting / interest.  I realize it's frowned upon here to bring up past threads but I feel like it will help you if you can recognize YOUR patterns, if you'd like to stop repeating them.

[glows]

16 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Hello all

Thank you so much for your posts. Sorry I’ve not logged on in a few days. 

I appreciate that a lot of you are suggesting I go to HR. This would be appropriate if it had got to an escalated level with concrete evidence for him to be challenged on, but it’s not at that ‘reportable’ stage as yet. Besides there are several reasons aside from this why I intend to leave my job, so I will be out soon anyway. 

The man is intelligent and can read that I make a conscious effort to distance myself from him when things get a little ‘friendly’ between us. But rather than do the considerate and respectful thing and back off, he sees it as a challenge and a game and tries to break through. He persists for days until I finally give in, then he backs right off again when he ‘has me’. It is a vicious cycle that I am desperate to get out of. I have never in my life been in a situation like this, and it plays havoc with one’s emotions. The man cares very little for anyone besides himself.

I know that the challenge for me is to not indulge his attempts to get close. I have been trying this for months.

But the problem here, is that I have developed a crush and I have grown to like this man’s attention. There are other things about my job that make me unhappy, and this serves as a nice antidote to that. It is bittersweet though since he already has a partner and a son, and from that angle too I really don’t want myself to get carried away. I don’t want to get hurt, by feelings growing when he already has someone else. 

There really is no option other than to leave; as I say he is one of multiple reasons that are making me want to go somewhere else so I’ll be out of there soon anyway.

How is it possible that you have a crush on this attached, careless and annoying man? Are there qualities in him that you admire? I am genuinely curious and mindboggled. What is it about him that draws you? 

Think this through line by line and look at his personality and character. You may be attracted to certain qualities or realize you’re lonely or missing meaningful relationships in your life. Do you just work? Would you be open to volunteering or doing different things in your time off? In a world of so many possibilities, don’t settle for so little. Try looking beyond this.

Edited January 1, 2023 by glows

[BrinnM]

18 hours ago, babybrowns said:

He persists for days until I finally give in, then he backs right off again when he ‘has me’. It is a vicious cycle that I am desperate to get out of. 

This is called intermittent reinforcement. Look it up!

You have a crush on him, because he gives you attention, but it’s the intermittent reinforcement that makes you come back for more; hoping for more…
Doesn’t mean he’s maliciously doing it on purpose, but it’s what makes you confused & wanting more. 

Edited January 1, 2023 by BrinnM

[stillafool]

On 12/17/2022 at 2:14 PM, babybrowns said:

Being a little lonely at work as well, since most of the crowd who work there are in a completely different age bracket to us, it is hard to not talk to him for too long anyway, from a social perspective.

This is ridiculous.  You are in your 30s, not a teenager and I'm sure you can converse with co-workers who are older than you.  You do not have to talk to him other than about your work.

On 12/17/2022 at 6:17 PM, babybrowns said:

Quote

He tries to break through the wall when I put it up in order to see if I will eventually cave in. And being human, and a lonely young woman at that, yes I do. It is why I do feel that this is a hopeless situation.

If your desire for this man is at the point where you feel hopeless, quit and find another job.

Quote

What’s particularly cruel is how he is so persistent throughout all the time that my guard is up, and as soon as I give in and replicate his interest, he tries to get to me with suddenly bringing up his partner. 

No he's doing as Neuvo said and trying to draw you out but is mentioning his wife to let you know he isn't interested in you romantically.  MM who are trying to bed another woman do not talk about their wives or if they do it's in a very negative way.

.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 12/31/2022 at 12:44 PM, babybrowns said:

 can read that I make a conscious effort to distance myself from him when things get a little ‘friendly’ between us. But rather than do the considerate and respectful thing and back off, he sees it as a challenge and a game and tries to break through. He persists for days until I finally give in, then he backs right off again when he ‘has me’

What exactly is he doing or saying? 

You seem to be projecting an awful lot here. 

[NuevoYorko]

I'm sorry that you need to leave your job for other reasons.  Didn't you just recently move to work there? 

Remember that where ever you go, there you are.   Try to be responsible for your own emotions.  If you get a crush on someone or feel "chemistry" it's not up to them to manage your feelings.   Don't run with those feelings in inappropriate situations.   

It is  unlikely for this man to intentionally be trying to "lure" you in and then, for fun, just cut you off.   Over and over.

A LOT of people are flirtatious. Men and women alike.  People fall for them left and right.    I'm sure there are some reading this right now who could recognize themselves in this.  They turn on the charm when interacting with people, whether it's their grandma, the checker at the market, or someone they'd like to date.  But they are just being themselves, it's not manipulative with any end game.  

It sounds as if when things start getting comfortable between you two, and he's just being his careless happy-go-lucky self, you do or say something that triggers him to throw up his boundaries - because he's not single and he's getting vibes that you're  taking him wrong.   It's the opposite of what you are thinking; he would like to be friendly and enjoy being work friends with you, but you make this impossible so he pulls back.   This is much more likely than the Machiavellian scheme you're attributing to him.  

 

[smackie9]

You made your decision to escape, and well being unhappy in your job gives you reason to leave anyways BUT there will be a day when you can't run away from your problems. The key to solving any situation such as this is communication. All it would have taken, as I suggested, was a firm conversation with this guy to stop it. I have had to do this myself a few times over the years and even just recently, and the results were extremely positive. Girl if you want people to respect you and treat you with respect, you need to stand up for yourself in all aspects of your life. I guarantee you, if you stood up for yourself you wouldn't need to come here anymore for advice. It would be life changing.

[JTSW]

I feel that going to HR is just going to escalate unnecessary problems.

It will make things very awkward in the office environment.

The best you can do is tell him to stop with the flirting because it makes you uncomfortable.

Hopefully he will understand and back off.