Anxious attachment or what?

[SoulOfOne]

Everything I read tells me I have an anxious attachment style. 

Latest trigger, person I am seeing now insisted that social media was junk. A Garbage time waster. I use it but am not addicted. Take it or leave it. He used it but often got into political snips with people and then would get irritated, then disappear off it. months ago was very clear he was giving it up for good. Said he was wasting time on it.  So he disappeared from it. We see each other several times a week. Sometimes he leaves me on read on text for longer than I feel comfortable 8 to 12 hours. Sometimes he responds right away. Another hot or cold guy.  Ugh. but don't want to seem overbearing. I've mentioned it a time or 2 mildly.  I feel it much more though but don't want to appear crazy. 

Suddenly he posted an "I'm back" update on soc media. Not only that but a, "heres my other usernames, follow me I'll follow you" post , not that he owes me to tell me, it just felt like a topic he felt so strongly about I was confused. He never mentioned to me, I just saw it. Then the "I'm back follow me" posts disappeared!! (he either took it down or hid from me...I dont wanna ask which. Too needy, but also, honestly it's bothering me.

I asked "hey, why the return?" Even though I felt cringy doing so. 

He said, he felt like he was missing things. But said he realized later it was still the same garbage place...but still has an active account. When asked, how come you didn't mention to me?  He said, he didn't even think abt it. (Really?!?! Big topic of conversation earlier). 

Fwiw, I don't believe there is anyone else. If there was, I'd drop him like a bad habit.

What is wrong with me??  Yeah, Im anxious about it. But I've never been able to figure out why. Nobody left me, abandoned me in the past...why does stuff like this drive me nuts? 

The being left on read, the taking 8 hours to text back (not all the time, but sometimes with no warning). Why do I feel like "it takes a second to check in" why doesn't he?  I haven't verbalized it bcz on some level I feel like its ME being needy, but I'd really like to know WHY I get anxious about stuff like that with no good reason?

I'd LOVE to tell him, if you are HIDING posts from me, please just unfollow me. It feels bad. But again. I'll look crazy. Or I feel I will.

Why the anxiety ???

[basil67]

There's an anxious attachment style. And there's also your gut telling you that something isn't the right fit.

If you've got anxious attachment, you would have felt this way throughout your history of dating.  But if it's just this one guy, then the issue is that you're not happy with the relationship.  

[NuevoYorko]

What are the good parts of your relationship?  If you're always feeling unbalanced maybe it's not a good match for you.

Do you think perhaps you are too wrapped up in his approach to his social media?  I don't think it would be necessary for him to inform you he's reactivating his FB or whatever.  

I was criticized for keeping someone "on read" (I didn't even know what this meant when they called me on it).  The reason I did it was because if I answered the text, they'd text back and a convo would invariably ensue.  I was, and still am not always up for a "chat" with ANYONE.   So plenty of times a person who sends me a text must experience being "kept on read."  

Maybe he's  similar?

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

There's an anxious attachment style. And there's also your gut telling you that something isn't the right fit.

I was thinking the same thing. This guy might not be the right match for you, OP, and your instinct is talking to you. 

It also sounds like fancies himself some sort of influencer, with the silly "I'm back" annoucment. Well, golly, alert the press!

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, SoulOfOne said:

I am seeing now insisted that social media was junk. We see each other several times a week. Sometimes he leaves me on read on text for longer than I feel comfortable 8 to 12 hours

How long have you been dating? How old is he? Are you exclusive? Try not to measure a dating situation by someone's random social media use or texting habits. If you feel his social media presence is undesirable, delete and block him. Focus on in person dates, observation and how compatible you are.

[JTSW]

Yeah you're gut is telling you something here.

He isn't the guy for you.

He's secretive yet invites anyone to follow him on social media.

I too wouldn't feel comfortable with that.

[glows]

On 12/17/2022 at 3:18 PM, SoulOfOne said:

I'd LOVE to tell him, if you are HIDING posts from me, please just unfollow me. It feels bad. But again. I'll look crazy. Or I feel I will.

Why the anxiety ???

Are you basing your “attachment style” only on one person? Or are you like this with most or all relationships? 

I’m curious where the hiding posts is coming from as I wouldn’t have immediately made that connection or arrived at that conclusion. He does sound a bit up and down or fickle with his use of social media. That can tell you a lot about how a person also approaches the rest of their life and interactions with others. Is he just as fickle in his job or work place? Does he have any long term friendships with people he’s known awhile? Are you both dating exclusively? He doesn’t seem to be as responsive as you.

Take a big picture approach here instead of focusing only on his social media habits. I would also find it hurtful if someone doesn’t reply for that long if you had asked a question, let’s say.

Edited December 19, 2022 by glows

[Lauriebell82]

I'm a therapist and specialize in helping people with attachment styles. It's funny but even if you have a secure attachment style, if you are dealing with someone avoidant, it can turn your otherwise "secure" attachment style into more of an anxious one. If someone isn't answering texts for that long of a period, they are probably an avoidant. Its classic distancing behavior. Also avoidant attached people generally don't like social media platforms. I am primarily secure but usually attract avoidants into a relationship and have struggled with some anxiety as a result. I had to learn that the avoidants were the ones triggering this, despite my feeling primarily secure within myself. 

You can almost always spot an avoidant early on in dating because they are not very responsive via messaging. Very classic warning sign of this attachment style. 

Edited December 19, 2022 by Lauriebell82

[SoulOfOne]

Haven't been dating long, yes exclusive, we are both working adults- (couple months, it's getting more serious though) but lots of together time and when we are in person it has been lots of intense emotional great get to know you talks. He's seemed very deep. A thinker and feeler. So I think I am getting attached fast because he seems super open to talking about emotion. Refreshing. But sometimes it goes from ALL the attention to what feels like nothing. I don't want to appear needy, and no, I've not felt much of being overly anxious in the past. This feeling of anxious is rather new.

I really LIKE him, it seems when he feels, he feels big. And has some stuff going on with an adult child that is weighing on him so I'm probably learning how to balance that. 

The social media thing throws me for a loop. Very early on He said he hated feeling like he's begging for attention there but likes to post and make people laugh. But mentioned "when nobody replies, it feels bad." So we had a long discussion about "who cares, it's social media. not real life." He wholeheartedly agreed, then said I'm giving it up. Was gone feom it and seemed great.  But then he comes back "hey! I'm back!" 🙄

Said he felt left out of some family stuff so he went back. I said "I hope it's better for you this time."  I ended up asking if he hid posts. He said no, he posted and took them down.  Then put them back up...Well he's already deleted it again.  The whole account.  

Just makes me wonder what is going on there that he won't tell me. Not that he has to. But how does that spill over into his personality?

I do really like this man, but how much of those anxious will last or maybe I'm looking for-is it me? Or my gut?

[glows]

What’s going on with his family? Is it the crux of his issues/instability?

I suspect he treats social media as a kind of “family” but it’s not a replacement for stronger familial ties. Something is missing for him in his personal life. 

You mentioned his adult child going through something. Family or our chosen family(friends) are what we rely on when life is challenging. I’d imagine anyone would turn to family and friends if they were having trouble. The problem is he seems so deeply troubled his actions are inconsistent and confusing to you.

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, SoulOfOne said:

 . And has some stuff going on with an adult child that is weighing on him..  

Just makes me wonder what is going on there that he won't tell me. 

You've only been dating 60 days. You don't really know each other's lives or personalities that well. 

Additionally he already told you he has issues with his child. So he's not hiding something just because his social media content is weird.

Try to relax and have fun. When you attempt to fast forward things too much like this, it can backfire.

The anxiety may come from too much too soon. You need to give each other room to breathe and be individuals who are learning about each other rather than have to know everything about each other to quell insecurities.

Let things unfold more naturally. Avoid putting people under a microscope and overanalyzing things.