I'm struggling so bad right now, I thought I was OK.

[Rob_Earnshaw]

So last night, I done something I told myself I would never do. I went out drinking by myself. I have anxiety, so she hasn't left my mind since she broke up with me 29 days ago. I felt I lost most of my social life when she broke up with me, but my friends were great beacons of support the first 3 weeks, but that support has dwindled somewhat. Drinking by myself was the only way I could cope. I knew she was going out, because I was supposed to be there. It was her group of girls Christmas party with partners all invited. It was supposed to be 8 people, but ended up being 7. Worst yet, one of the partners is one of my best friends who's married to hers. While they were off having fun, I wasn't far away wallowing in self-pity in a dingy bar that I knew wouldn't be busy and knew they wouldn't end up in.

I thought I was doing OK. For a bit of context, we were together 4 years and 3 months. We never lived together, but had been mortgage hunting and house hunting since May or June of 2020. We finally got granted a mortgage in October of 2021 and were due to move into a newly built home before next summer. It was supposed to be ready the summer just gone, but was delayed. The last year and a half had been frustrating to say the least for both of us, Covid was hard for our relationship but we got through it unscathed, and still not living together coming out of it made it worse.

It's both our faults for the way things have gone the last year. She had started to act selfishly in the summer of 2021. While I was busting my ass off saving for a house (the financial burden was mine), she booked an expensive week-long girls holiday to the United States (we're from Ireland) for April of 2022. This ticked me off from the start because she was committing to spending money she didn't really have, and I had been making financial and personal sacrifices because we were buying a house, ones she didn't appreciate. I didn't even need to make these sacrifices, but I did, for her. We came back from our own holiday at the end of October 2021, our first post-Covid holiday. And she did a complete 180 on the relationship.

She started neglecting me and the relationship. I won't go into it, because there's many things she done that can back up that narrative. My fault was that I never communicated any of this to her. She never knew why I was in a bad mood at times, but she knew I was in a bad mood at times. Often the bad moods would enlarge my issues with other things like work and college, and it was draining for her. I get that. And that was enough to paint this narrative of me being a negative person she didn't see a future with, a person she has very little in common with and one that was seeing things through different lenses to her. 

I didn't handle myself well post-breakup at all. During the break-up I was too emotional and focused on getting her to change her mind, that I validated some of her reasoning. I'm even validating some of it right now. And I even believed it myself for a few days. We met 3 days later to discuss the house, I was the exact same. I refrained from throwing anything in her direction. About two weeks ago, I broke the no contact rule and asked could I send her something I'd been working on, she said yeah, and I sent it. It was fairly long, in it I just kind of said I disagreed with her assessment of me and explained why, I tried to put across that we would be happier and none of her reasons would be an issue if we were living together and I ended and ended it trying to give her memories of how happy we were for the majority of our years together, even during the summer which was great. I subtly threw something her way about not seeing or doing anything together. Instead of saying neglected, I sugarcoated it and just said I felt lonely.

I wasn't expecting her to reply, but she did a week later. At the time I thought I didn't get the closure I wanted, but the closure I needed. She reiterated some of what she was saying with little to back it up and took no responsibility for the amount of time we didn't spend together. I was good all week, she came across the way I had imagined she would. Selfish, Immature and someone incapable of putting any blame on herself for situations. The only blame she puts on herself is not being able to put up with my "negative" attitude for the year.

I was OK, now I'm not. I've not been since Friday. She's after painting this picture of her as a damsel in distress. I wish I had said all those things during the year, maybe she would've changed and I would've been happier. It just kills me that she doesn't know. And likely never will. And after saying all that, I'd happily get back with her if she was willing. I was at my breaking point with the relationship the last few months unbeknownst to her, but was still hopeful that girl I met nearly 5 years ago and happily dated up until the end of the summer would come back. 

I just don't know how to cope. I'm in college right now, so can't really "focus" on myself as people say. And I'm struggling to even put my mind into that right now. The loss of a huge part of my social life has finally hit me. I'm just sat thinking about all the things I should've said and done, and not just the last year, going back to the very start of the relationship. I don't really know what to do with myself. And as I've said, since one of my best friends will still see her, she's not exactly out of my life. I think in her mind, I'll still see her. 

 

Edited December 18, 2022 by Rob_Earnshaw

[Beachead]

OP,

Start coping by writing.  Get yourself a notebook or you can just use your computer and create a folder for journals.  

Everytime you feel this unbearable sadness, let it out in your journal.  Don't edit.  Just freely write it, f bombs and all.  This is your own private world to express yourself without anyone imposing their judgements on you.  Do this as many times a day as you need to.  This is the 1st style of journal you can do.

The 2nd style of journaling is to list all the things that upset you or pissed you off about your ex and the relationship.  This is the one time it's alright to train your brain to see the negatives because the list will stop you looking back at your relationship with rose tinted glasses.  It'll get you out of that mood, when you miss her and feel like you need to talk to her.   Read it over and over again.  And write it over and over again.  You've already started a couple of points;  she was unaccountable and she blew money she didn't have while you were out sacrificing yours for you and her so she was all about herself.   What else?

As time goes on, and you start to heal, you'll get tired of repeating yourself and you will start looking forward.  That's when you can start working on a 3rd style of journal which is to create a roadmap of short-term and intermediate goals to accomplishing your long-term goals.  What do you want to accomplish in your life and how do you get there?  It'll have to be something just for you and you'll have to get specific. 

Journaling this way, got me through a lot in my life including 3 hard breakups.   I've been where you've been.  The endless repeating thoughts.  The guilt.  The self-blame and doubt.  Looking at my phone all day and night, hoping for an apology or a "Lets get back together."  I had chest pains and insomnia for a long time and I lost weight because I lost my appetite.

It's all temporary.  

You don't want to be with this unaccountable person OP.  Trust me.  Your brain is simply programmed neurochemically to be with her because you were with her for 5 years.  You don't know any other way right now but there was a time you she wasn't in your life and you were fine.  So, as the months roll on, you'll begin to unlearn all those habits and patterns you developed being with her for 5 years, where you put yourself second.  You're going to relearn how to put yourself first again and it's going to be glorious.   There was a reason why your relationship didn't work out and you just have to trust that, despite the pain you're in.  You're grieving right now and that grief will require time and patience.  There's no rushing it.  Just let your mind do its thing.  The pain and the thinking is your mind's way of processing what happened.  The journaling will help you make sense of what's going on in your mind; help you focus all the noise so that you can work through it more efficiently.  Once you're passed all this, you'll know how to take care of yourself much better, after a breakup, and that is an important thing to be able to do.

Time along with the proper internal work will heal you back up.  You won't be who you used to be but you will definitely be more experienced.  Depending on how you take care of yourself during this breakup, you could end up becoming a better version of yourself as well.  

Hope this helps

- Feather

[Wiseman2]

On 12/18/2022 at 10:03 AM, Rob_Earnshaw said:

,maybe she would've changed and I would've been happier. . I was at my breaking point with the relationship the last few months unbeknownst to her, 

Sadly it seems like the relationship was a security blanket and masked some underlying conditions such as anxiety and depression.

The best thing you can do is see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done and ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

While heartbreaks hurt, there's an intense anger and despair that needs to be addressed eventually.

It's not just about "focus on yourself", it's about addressing the underlying issues and getting help with that.

While anger and regret are parts of grieving, sadly it's taken a dangerous turn into intense hatred and blame for her not wanting to continue.

Ironically one of her reasons for ending it was "negativity". That is a wakeup call that treating underlying mental health issues is long overdue.

You'll feel better in the long run and in general when you seek out help and support.

[Rob_Earnshaw]

@MisterFeather

Thanks for the advice on this and my previous post.

I was journalling at the beginning of the breakup, but I stopped because I thought I was just repeating myself. But maybe I should start again. 

Yeah, I realise that it's probably best that I'm not with her. My friends have helped me realise that. As fun and friendly as she appeared to them, and she is those things, they could see what her behaviour was doing to my head over the years. She didn't mature, while I did since we started saving for a house. On the surface she'd say she wanted it all, the house, marriage, kids one day and I believe she did. But, she still wanted to live like she was in her mid-20s and that's where the issues started for me over the last year. Saving was a non-factor. She put too much emphasis on superficial, materialistic things like holidays. And she was obsessed and too dependent on her friends. Group things became the rule, not the exception, just so she could see her friends and me at the same time.

I wrote this post after a rough weekend. Another sign of her immaturity has been the way she's acted since the breakup. I muted her on social media platforms because we agreed to "stay on good terms". But my anxiety still made me search for her. Instead of laying low, she's been all over Instagram every time she's been out since which has been the last 3 weekends. Her very first night out, there was a picture of a random guy on her IG story. And she's just continued to rub her doing all the stuff she neglected doing with me in my face. I realised after I wrote this post that besides the first two weeks, I've only been unhappy at weekends because I know she's going to be out and posting on social media. Tuesday, I unfollowed her on IG and removed her as a follower from mine. It's for the best, especially with the holiday season and parties coming up.

Regards.

[mark clemson]

Life is a marathon, not a sprint. One day you will look back and that girl who seems to mean so much right now will be "just a cool girl I dated for a while in college and then we broke up".

While certainly difficult, being heartbroken at least a few times in one's life is actually quite normal. It will probably happen at least 3-5 times. And that's actually fine in the bigger picture view. I have been there and so have most other people. Keep on keeping on, eventually you'll be over her and will find new partners.

Edited December 23, 2022 by mark clemson