I guess I'm the OW? I feel the end of this relationship was like a divorce I never had

[Shrimpnoodlecup]

Okay so, I joined today, don’t know if I’m in the right section for this post? But, here it goes.

 

I’ve been dating & going through a tumultuous relationship for 7 years that has come to an “end”. I knew about the girl that was his family friend & previous sometimes romantic partner as they grew up together. 1 1/2 years into our relationship ship I asked his grandmother who she was to him? And she said, a friend at most, she spends time here with his sisters and door is always open to her because of her past situations, but wishes he would be more to her, but that’s nothing more than a wish. I said okay.

 

We were up and down and I suspected cheating with her, but was somewhat un-phased as we were broken up here and there & I was finishing my university courses and there was a lot of alcohol involved, but later the next year we took a trip to Jamaica together in October and that November I found out that girl was 4 or 5 months pregnant with his child. I was devastated.

 

I noted he did say to me I want a child with or without you — I thought he was joking, but I said absolutely not I’m finishing school with a joke, said wait a few years and I will. 
 

Now flash forward to that new years eve he came to my home with my mother and said he loved me and only me, and it was a mistake that he didn’t mean to happen, but the baby is coming. I still had broken up but been engaged slightly as I was heart broken.

 

 

flash foward a few years we’ve been in love done plenty of things together — I never met his son, as the woman said the one thing you’ll never do is meet him. I respected that aspect and never asked. He said he visits him and I was fine with never really asking about it. 
 

We had relationship trouble but always were in love, never lived together but stayed at my condo, as he had “house arrest” that I never got to really look into — then I found out the address was at her house with his son.

 

He spent most of him time with me at my condo, and then we got into a motorcycle accident — 2019 he wasn’t able to stay at the accident because he would have been charged so this makes things a little sticky because it was over the hours of his curfew.

 

this is relevant now, because for an insurance claim I had to state he was there and left, and now he got charges to stay away from me & leaving the scene of an accident.

 

he used this as an excuse to say he couldn’t have a serious relationship with me because I charged him — which I did unintentionally and have been avoiding court so that I don’t testify etc. so this isn’t really a real excuse, or have children as a physical proof that he would have seen me, and put him in jail. 
 

now we still seen each other blah blah blah until now 2022.

He always said he was gonna try n get our relationship normal blah blah blah 

 

but one day February 2022 I found diapers at his house he said belonged to the mother of his child, she had a new baby, but wasn’t his.

 

I didn’t initially believe him, then his sister who is not a fan of him said yes, this woman has a boyfriend and that’s his baby. So I believe him and see him.

 

 

NOW October 2022, he says he has to go to jail for 8 years — which is probably inflated time… (lie) & that I should have a child and name it after him… I said your sick in your head, but I stayed with him to face sentencing because he is about to face the scariest day of his life — this is the love of my life for the past 7 years, and then he ghosts me after the day — possibly he is in jail or maybe not? 
 

anyway I see a picture on Facebook & a second of him and the child and his other at the beach posted by the woman. 
 

I believe both of those children are hers.

 

I believe he lied to me the entire time, I guess? He “loved me” for 7 years but had 2 children with this woman ? I just don’t know? 
 

what to do or say? I haven’t contacted him since and I don’t want to admit any of this to anyone around me? 
 

n I feel like I’ve been played for 7 years.

 

I’m 32, and lost all my good years of being beautiful and I have no children? And I don’t feel like ever seeing anyone else? Like? 
 

I lost so much? I don’t know where to go to talk to people about this, and he denied everything and made me believe she wasn’t anything for 7 years? 
 

like I’m the other woman, not her? Does it matter? 
 

im just choked and looking for any thoughtful insight or advice.

 

[glows]

Were you hoping to marry this man and/or start a family? I’m trying to get some idea of what you’re hoping to get out of this.

[Shrimpnoodlecup]

I was…. I saved myself for him the entire time, all 7 years dedicated to building a life forever… that’s the truth 

[Shrimpnoodlecup]

7 minutes ago, glows said:

Were you hoping to marry this man and/or start a family? I’m trying to get some idea of what you’re hoping to get out of this.

Yes I was saving myself for him, we had a tumultuous relationship but I thought we’re young & u had a baby when we were together so we’re trying to figure it out, with bumps that we’re gonna happen… but now, I just found out there’s 2… like I just don’t know what to do now

[glows]

Are you still wanting the same dreams with him? Try working backwards - ask yourself if you can see your life with him with his criminal record, children, staying with another woman and so on. He seems to only care about himself. 

What did you go to school for? Ie area of study?

[Shrimpnoodlecup]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

Are you still wanting the same dreams with him? Try working backwards - ask yourself if you can see your life with him with his criminal record, children, staying with another woman and so on. He seems to only care about himself. 

What did you go to school for? Ie area of study?

I have a bachelors of social work, I studied more on political social work not so much relationships.

 

Honestly right now I have feelings of, staying so far away from him. He did eventually move out into his own condo and I stayed there with him and visited until I don’t know he signed off that lease since he’s going to jail? 
 

& this is why I believed him he wasn’t ever with her, because there was nothing in that condo that was hers, only stuff for his 5 year old son, that’s it. 
 

I have an overwhelming feeling to hurt him, but other than that I don’t want him near me, I wanted all these things until I seen the second child that looks like him. And he had the child in his arms with his 5 year old son at the beach, like this must be his child. 
 

But my delimma now is, like where do I go from here? I feel like I’ve been in a divorce? Without the legal process. I was with him for 7 years and like, I don’t want to ever see another man at all? Like genuinely, not because I’m in an anger state. I feel dull and emotionless. Is this normal? 
 

& I’m 32, if I don’t snap out of this, I’ll never have children or a family, like I wasted 25-32 with someone who I guess , I was the other woman and I never believed I was. So I’m in shock maybe? 
 

I feel like I need guidance but I don’t want to even tell anyone, I was literally played for 7 years. & I have to accept that & where do I go from here

[glows]

I am divorced. Your pain is no less than a person who has been divorced or duped in some way. Yes, I know that state very well and maybe you feel like someone took something away from you that you can’t get back - your time, years of fertility, unconditional love you seemed to give him. 

You chose to stay with him though instead of walking away when he cheated on you. The relationship has been off/on since you were in school. is it time now to review whats important to you in relationships? You’ve been living with the wool pulled over your eyes for a long time and are experiencing some level of dissociation and confusion.

Have you graduated/working now?

You won’t likely ever know if the child is his or not. Question is - would you care to invest more of your life wondering? Have you ever ended a relationship before and walked away from something unhealthy, toxic or no longer helps you grow? Now may be a good time.

[Shrimpnoodlecup]

1 minute ago, glows said:

I am divorced. Your pain is no less than a person who has been divorced or duped in some way. Yes, I know that state very well and maybe you feel like someone took something away from you that you can’t get back - your time, years of fertility, unconditional love you seemed to give him. 

You chose to stay with him though instead of walking away when he cheated on you. The relationship has been off/on since you were in school. is it time now to review whats important to you in relationships? You’ve been living with the wool pulled over your eyes for a long time and are experiencing some level of dissociation and confusion.

Have you graduated/working now?

You won’t likely ever know if the child is his or not. Question is - would you care to invest more of your life wondering? Have you ever ended a relationship before and walked away from something unhealthy, toxic or no longer helps you grow? Now may be a good time.

I am trying to reflect on that, & I know that there isn’t anything for me wondering, you know? I feel like I know enough that I’m not the one. 
 

I am just extremely frustrated as I guess people don’t seem to validate my losses as much or value them as to someone who was actually married or something & I do appreciate that it isn’t the same as well, but I did loose.

 

& I feel like if I was actually divorced then maybe people around me would comprehend why I don’t want another man in my life, I just want to be by myself now, as I have no interest in relationships anymore but I don’t know if I know how to communicate that to them in a way that’s meaningful. 
 

I can’t work atm as I’m waiting for a settlement and I got a bit disabled from the motorcycle accident, so I’m a bit bound to my home and not working & just working on rehabilitating — which is going fine. 
 

I just don’t know am I ever going to want to see people again, will I ever have the will to have children ever? 
 

I feel a family pressure because I’m 32 and fertility but, if you’ve dated 2 men like I have in my life for 7 years and had those relationships end, why would I ever meet anyone and trust them to have children before 7 years passes & I’ll be way out of fertility by then. 
 

I feel frustrated & now that I’m the other woman if I told anyone, what happened the stigma that I should have left him at the first child is so high? No one I feel would be empathetic. 
 

so what now? 
 

 

[Shrimpnoodlecup]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

I am divorced. Your pain is no less than a person who has been divorced or duped in some way. Yes, I know that state very well and maybe you feel like someone took something away from you that you can’t get back - your time, years of fertility, unconditional love you seemed to give him. 

You chose to stay with him though instead of walking away when he cheated on you. The relationship has been off/on since you were in school. is it time now to review whats important to you in relationships? You’ve been living with the wool pulled over your eyes for a long time and are experiencing some level of dissociation and confusion.

Have you graduated/working now?

You won’t likely ever know if the child is his or not. Question is - would you care to invest more of your life wondering? Have you ever ended a relationship before and walked away from something unhealthy, toxic or no longer helps you grow? Now may be a good time.

And to add, I’m definitely walking away now. The toxicity & lies & that child are too much for me to even want to understand the explanation or care for it. I’m done. 

[glows]

8 minutes ago, Shrimpnoodlecup said:

I am just extremely frustrated as I guess people don’t seem to validate my losses as much or value them as to someone who was actually married or something & I do appreciate that it isn’t the same as well, but I did loose.

Who are these people who don’t validate you or what you’ve been through? No, it’s not the same thing. The important part is that you’ve realized this man is not your future and you can move on and close this chapter for good.

 

9 minutes ago, Shrimpnoodlecup said:

& I feel like if I was actually divorced then maybe people around me would comprehend why I don’t want another man in my life, I just want to be by myself now, as I have no interest in relationships anymore but I don’t know if I know how to communicate that to them in a way that’s meaningful. 
 

Again, who is “them”? Are these your parents or family? Work on supporting yourself and getting back on your feet after the accident. It’s unrealistic for anyone to suggest you date or have children right now due to your physical health and even irresponsible if that person is putting pressure on you. There’s nothing wrong with being single and choosing to be single. 

Do you realize you don’t have to explain that to anyone? Change the subject and move away and chat with others if in a social setting. Be around others who inspire you.

 

10 minutes ago, Shrimpnoodlecup said:

I can’t work atm as I’m waiting for a settlement and I got a bit disabled from the motorcycle accident, so I’m a bit bound to my home and not working & just working on rehabilitating — which is going fine. 
 

Good for you for getting the help needed after the accident. Have you tried volunteering? You might be able to find work from home volunteering positions due to your disability. Explain how passionate you are about your work and want to contribute. Don’t let your career goals fall off the rails too. Have something to look forward to that you’ve built on your own.

11 minutes ago, Shrimpnoodlecup said:

I just don’t know am I ever going to want to see people again, will I ever have the will to have children ever? 
 

These are all questions many of us ask after a break up. We question ourselves and whether we want the same things. It’ll be more clear to you with time. You may not want the same things later on but you also grow stronger and instead of feeling the need to explain yourself to others, you simply enjoy your life..passionately and with a new zest for everything even if your goals and interests may have evolved.
 

21 minutes ago, Shrimpnoodlecup said:

I feel frustrated & now that I’m the other woman if I told anyone, what happened the stigma that I should have left him at the first child is so high? No one I feel would be empathetic. 

Realistically many people don’t have the full story looking into another person’s life. The same goes for you when you look at someone else. We only see what we know or are willing to accept. That’s called perspective and point of view. It leads to opinions and if those opinions are not helpful to you or you refuse to accept them then ignore them and carry on.

Why is it that you seek empathy from others who don’t understand you? People are limited in their understanding most of the time. Less need for others to understand. Free yourself and live your life well. You need to figure out what you want first and go get it. Be proactive with your time now. Do things that add growth and value to your life.

[Shrimpnoodlecup]

14 minutes ago, glows said:

Who are these people who don’t validate you or what you’ve been through? No, it’s not the same thing. The important part is that you’ve realized this man is not your future and you can move on and close this chapter for good.

 

Again, who is “them”? Are these your parents or family? Work on supporting yourself and getting back on your feet after the accident. It’s unrealistic for anyone to suggest you date or have children right now due to your physical health and even irresponsible if that person is putting pressure on you. There’s nothing wrong with being single and choosing to be single. 

Do you realize you don’t have to explain that to anyone? Change the subject and move away and chat with others if in a social setting. Be around others who inspire you.

 

Good for you for getting the help needed after the accident. Have you tried volunteering? You might be able to find work from home volunteering positions due to your disability. Explain how passionate you are about your work and want to contribute. Don’t let your career goals fall off the rails too. Have something to look forward to that you’ve built on your own.

These are all questions many of us ask after a break up. We question ourselves and whether we want the same things. It’ll be more clear to you with time. You may not want the same things later on but you also grow stronger and instead of feeling the need to explain yourself to others, you simply enjoy your life..passionately and with a new zest for everything even if your goals and interests may have evolved.
 

Realistically many people don’t have the full story looking into another person’s life. The same goes for you when you look at someone else. We only see what we know or are willing to accept. That’s called perspective and point of view. It leads to opinions and if those opinions are not helpful to you or you refuse to accept them then ignore them and carry on.

Why is it that you seek empathy from others who don’t understand you? People are limited in their understanding most of the time. Less need for others to understand. Free yourself and live your life well. You need to figure out what you want first and go get it. Be proactive with your time now. Do things that add growth and value to your life.

Thank you for answering me today, that’s all I can say,

 

and the validation that it’s okay to be single and uninterested, and that I don’t need anyone’s validation or opinions like from my family and friends. 
 

& ya it is important that I realized this isn’t for me anymore, & just be proactive about being a better me. 
 

It feels good to know others ask the same questions after a break up, because I feel sort of isolated when talking about this situation I don’t really know, it just sucks that I lost 7 years, like how do people get over finding out that’s not the love of your life your the other woman.

 

so humiliating. & perception of my future was blown up in front of my face seeing the pictures. 
 

But thank you your the first person I’ve told this to, I’m so embarrassed. 

[glows]

You’re feeling those emotions and can validate yourself. What you went through is a lesson and learning experience. It doesn’t define you but it’s one part of you among many other parts. This 7 year relationship isn’t all there is about you. You’re also a daughter to someone, a friend, a social worker and many other things not written here, I’m sure. 

Forgive yourself and move forwards. I use that lightly here as it can mean different things. I always disliked the word “forgive” on its own because it implies some sanctimonious nonsense that needs to happen before one can move forwards and there’s nothing worse than appearing holier than thou. So damn fake. What I do mean by that word is giving yourself a chance to make mistakes, learn from it and grow forwards without holding onto that pain. It’s only about seeing where you went wrong and not repeating the same mistakes for your own well-being. 

Break ups are hard. Close the chapter on this and keep focusing on you and your work and healing.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Shrimpnoodlecup said:

He denied everything and made me believe she wasn’t anything for 7 years? 

With kindness, did he really “make you believe,” or did you want to believe such that you ignored some pretty big red flags?

I mean, the fact that he could not live with you because he had “house arrest” and you “never really looked into that” astounds me.  

I don’t blame you for wanting to be single for a while, you trusted a man who you should never have trusted. Who has not done that at one time or another? If you have the ability to get some counselling, please seek counselling because there is some learning and personal growth to happen here. I understand why you would feel embarrassed but if you learn from this experience, it will make it feel so much better. That would be my goal at this point, go back and really think about where YOU went wrong here (hint - it’s not the fact that he told you there is was no one else, you need to understand why you believed this man despite all the red flags). Be sure that you never find yourself in this situation again. 

Best wishes. 

 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Shrimpnoodlecup said:

we had a tumultuous relationship but I thought we’re young & u had a baby when we were together so we’re trying to figure it out, with bumps that we’re gonna happen… but now, I just found out there’s 2… like I just don’t know what to do now

Kindly, those kind of “bumps” aren’t the kind of bumps that a couple will figure out together - It’s not like he’s staying out too late with the boys or lost his job and you are struggling to pay the bills while he searches for another…

When your boyfriend has a child with another woman, you need to end the relationship. When your boyfriend is in trouble with the law, you need to end the relationship. 

I feel like you chose to put your head in the sand and that was not wise… Unfortunately, you are having to deal with the consequences of those decisions now. 

It’s good that you have ended it. Please, do not go back - he is an unsafe relationship partner for you and you should keep your distance from now on. 

Be kind to yourself, I’m sorry that this has happened.

[mark clemson]

It seems you fell for very much the wrong person. IMO, while its no doubt easier said than done, the best course here is to consider this fully ended and move on with your life.

That could (and perhaps should) include a new partner who is more transparent and less sketchy and problematic. However, you won't be able to be a truly safe partner to someone new unless you FULLY resolve to keep him out of your life permanently. That would include notifying him that "it's over," staying firm on zero communication from your end, and resolving to have nothing to do with him even if he shows up at your doorstep some day.

BTW, 32 is NOT too old to have kids, although it might be wise to focus on a man who genuinely wants a family (they are out there, although not so common as one's who don't) and owns up to this fact fairly early on.

Edited December 19, 2022 by mark clemson

[Starswillshine]

I will guess people in your life are dismissing your pain because they likely view this as a good thing. 

Honey, you are an educated woman with the potential to have a beautiful and successful career. Even without all the cheating, why were you with a man who was on house arrest and legal issues. 

It will hurt like hell, no doubt, but this is ultimately a very good thing. This man is not a catch. In the middle of dealing with heartbreak, it is so hard to ever understand how you will ever be happy or love again. But I promise you, it is just around the corner, right when you come out the tunnel... there is light. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Don't worry about convincing anyone else (or yourself) that you will never want a relationship again.

Focus instead on your own healing. You need to reflect on why you overlooked some huge red flags for so long, and how you will avoid doing so in the future. You knew something was very off about this entire relationship and the various shadows of his life. Don't ignore your gut next time. Listen to what it's trying to scream at you. 

In time, as you heal, you may be able to imagine yourself moving forward with someone else. Now is not the time to worry about it, though. Perhaps get some professional counselling for yourself so you can reset your boundaries by working on your self-esteem. You'll be in a much better position to do well in life once that happens.  

[JTSW]

Please don't feel embarrassed, you've done nothing wrong.

He's the one that should feel embarrassed for being a lying cheating POS.

You may feel that you never want a relationship again but not all men are like him.

Take some time for yourself for a while.

Never have anything to do with him again and just focus on you and heal.

Block and delete his number/social media etc.

[Shrimpnoodlecup]

24 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Please don't feel embarrassed, you've done nothing wrong.

He's the one that should feel embarrassed for being a lying cheating POS.

You may feel that you never want a relationship again but not all men are like him.

Take some time for yourself for a while.

Never have anything to do with him again and just focus on you and heal.

Block and delete his number/social media etc.

Thank you. I just feel embarrassed that I defended him to my family when he said, that child isn’t his for a year, and I said I believe him! It isn’t his! And I seen this picture and I know everyone was right. He made me believe it wasn’t what it was. 
 

I feel very stupid. 

[Shrimpnoodlecup]

17 hours ago, BaileyB said:

With kindness, did he really “make you believe,” or did you want to believe such that you ignored some pretty big red flags?

I mean, the fact that he could not live with you because he had “house arrest” and you “never really looked into that” astounds me.  

I don’t blame you for wanting to be single for a while, you trusted a man who you should never have trusted. Who has not done that at one time or another? If you have the ability to get some counselling, please seek counselling because there is some learning and personal growth to happen here. I understand why you would feel embarrassed but if you learn from this experience, it will make it feel so much better. That would be my goal at this point, go back and really think about where YOU went wrong here (hint - it’s not the fact that he told you there is was no one else, you need to understand why you believed this man despite all the red flags). Be sure that you never find yourself in this situation again. 

Best wishes. 

 

Yes. He did. I honestly did believe him, and I mean there was feeling that he had an unhealthy happy friendship relationship too close and trusting with her & we argued about that, and he just told me I shouldn’t be insecure about a relationship with the mother of his child, that’s his child it was his friend before, and she has his child, that we have up and downs and she will always be there because of his child, that’s why he put his address there, and I guess it made sense to me, he leased a waterfront condo in the heart of the city that he clearly stayed as his main residence & worked out of & his sons stuff was there nothing of hers, so…  I stayed there most of the weeks and weekends he was with his child I didn’t ask about that….

 

the yelling at me and manipulating me there was nothing ever going on and that how are we going to continue a relationship if I accuse him and not trust him of cheating on me is insane and I need to stop that.  So I did. And we were “happy” and I never looked back for a long time until I seen years later these diapers in his closet, that he said she left at the door for some stupid reason, that while dropping off her son she dropped them too… 

 

at the very most I thought, after his and his sisters explanation to me that the child wasn’t his, 

 

that perhaps that the mother of his son, brought the other baby over to maybe hang out a bit before she brought the child home? Like a visit? With his kid and hers? 
 

 

He was adamant this child did not belong to him. That it was only me that he loved and slept with. 

[Shrimpnoodlecup]

12 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

I will guess people in your life are dismissing your pain because they likely view this as a good thing. 

Honey, you are an educated woman with the potential to have a beautiful and successful career. Even without all the cheating, why were you with a man who was on house arrest and legal issues. 

It will hurt like hell, no doubt, but this is ultimately a very good thing. This man is not a catch. In the middle of dealing with heartbreak, it is so hard to ever understand how you will ever be happy or love again. But I promise you, it is just around the corner, right when you come out the tunnel... there is light. 

Yes, they don’t want me near him now so I guess that’s why. But I’m still hurt, and I’m too embarrassed to say that he did have another child. Like they will dismiss it more and I’m just too embarrassed to comprehend and share with everyone I guess I have been played and it’s a sham the entire time I loved him, I guess he really didn’t love me lol 

[Shrimpnoodlecup]

15 hours ago, mark clemson said:

It seems you fell for very much the wrong person. IMO, while its no doubt easier said than done, the best course here is to consider this fully ended and move on with your life.

That could (and perhaps should) include a new partner who is more transparent and less sketchy and problematic. However, you won't be able to be a truly safe partner to someone new unless you FULLY resolve to keep him out of your life permanently. That would include notifying him that "it's over," staying firm on zero communication from your end, and resolving to have nothing to do with him even if he shows up at your doorstep some day.

BTW, 32 is NOT too old to have kids, although it might be wise to focus on a man who genuinely wants a family (they are out there, although not so common as one's who don't) and owns up to this fact fairly early on.

Yes, I just don’t know what time I’d actually feel like dating & will that take years and who the heck wants to just start a relationship and have a child by then? Like this is such a mess

[Shrimpnoodlecup]

And thank you all for your feed back, doesn’t go unappreciated, I’ve been holding this in for a while, and I have absolutely no one to talk to about this hurt. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Shrimpnoodlecup said:

the yelling at me and manipulating me there was nothing ever going on and that how are we going to continue a relationship if I accuse him and not trust him of cheating on me is insane and I need to stop that.

This is called gaslighting. He is turning the attention toward you, trying to tell you that YOU are in the wrong for even asking him such a thing, blaming you for not trusting him… It is a common manipulation tactic and maybe next time, you will recognize it if someone does this to you again. 

I believe that you believed him - but you shouldn’t have. What we are trying to say is that there were some HUGE red flags here, You saw them and you dismissed them when he told you there was nothing wrong and turned the tables on you. But, the way in which he denied it and as was said above - the fact that your intuition was telling you these things were problems - those were your cues to get out. 

1 hour ago, Shrimpnoodlecup said:

Yes, they don’t want me near him now so I guess that’s why. But I’m still hurt, and I’m too embarrassed to say that he did have another child. Like they will dismiss it more and I’m just too embarrassed to comprehend and share with everyone I guess I have been played

They will have empathy for you, as we have empathy for you. And, they likely won’t care as much as you think that there is another child because they have already decided that he is not a good man and they are already glad that the relationship has ended. This just essentially confirms that. Take some time to feel the hurt, but then it’s time to move forward. You don’t have to date but as was said above, you really should try to learn from this. It starts by posting here, talking to your friends/family, hopefully getting some counselling. Right now, you are primarily looking for condolences but really listen to what we/they will tell you so that you can really figure out why you chose this man and why you stayed so long. My advice - don’t wallow in your grief for too long - he’s not worth it. You’ve spent seven years in this relationship, I wouldn’t give him eight! Live your life and find some happiness. You have only one life and time is a passing… you know what I’m saying? 

Edited December 20, 2022 by BaileyB

[Shrimpnoodlecup]

50 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

This is called gaslighting. He is turning the attention toward you, trying to tell you that YOU are in the wrong for even asking him such a thing, blaming you for not trusting him… It is a common manipulation tactic and maybe next time, you will recognize it if someone does this to you again. 

I believe that you believed him - but you shouldn’t have. What we are trying to say is that there were some HUGE red flags here, You saw them and you dismissed them when he told you there was nothing wrong and turned the tables on you. But, the way in which he denied it and as was said above - the fact that your intuition was telling you these things were problems - those were your cues to get out. 

They will have empathy for you, as we have empathy for you. And, they likely won’t care as much as you think that there is another child because they have already decided that he is not a good man and they are already glad that the relationship has ended. This just essentially confirms that. Take some time to feel the hurt, but then it’s time to move forward. You don’t have to date but as was said above, you really should try to learn from this. It starts by posting here, talking to your friends/family, hopefully getting some counselling. Right now, you are primarily looking for condolences but really listen to what we/they will tell you so that you can really figure out why you chose this man and why you stayed so long. My advice - don’t wallow in your grief for too long - he’s not worth it. You’ve spent seven years in this relationship, I wouldn’t give him eight! Live your life and find some happiness. You have only one life and time is a passing… you know what I’m saying? 

I agree, I’m so thankful to hear so much positive feedback, because I had so much negative feedback before, and it was a double hurt I guess. 
 

I don’t want to wallow or do much of that tbh, I haven’t talked or haven’t bothered to think much about it, because it was so final when I seen the photo, that I blocked it all out.

 

I just if anything wanted to know what people think I should do going forward I guess? Like what do people do or is the norm after finding out you essentially are the other woman and finding that out? Like I was so shocked. And yes I do need to recognize the gaslighting, and take it for what it is instead of complying. 
 

I won’t make that mistake again — I hope. Because at this point I’m just uninterested in dating but future, I just don’t have the time to decipher what all is being said it always was a puzzle with him & I hated it. 
 

but thank you again, I really feel grateful that you all are starting the healing process for me, and giving me the strength to recognize that I sort of do need to deal with that happened in a positive way, by reflecting and being better and not get into that again & some of my feelings are valid to be — upsetish? Because I’m not really upset in a crying mode for him, but to be upset that I lost so much time and I was played — like a fiddle. if anything I feel upset I allowed this to happen to me— more ashamed of myself than mad at him for some reason. 
 

I just appreciate you all. Such a kind community ❤️