I guess I'm the OW? I feel the end of this relationship was like a divorce I never had

[BaileyB]

21 minutes ago, Shrimpnoodlecup said:

Because I’m not really upset in a crying mode for him, but to be upset that I lost so much time and I was played — like a fiddle. if anything I feel upset I allowed this to happen to me— more ashamed of myself than mad at him for some reason. 

I think that’s a very reasonable way to feel. I can’t say that I would feel any differently.

You are not the first woman to be lied to by a man, and sadly you won’t be the last… Everyone has relationships in their past that looking back, they wonder “what was I thinking!” 🤣

You certainly don’t need to date now, but I would encourage you to stay open to the idea in the future. You just never know what life has in store for you… Yes, this was a lot of time wasted in this relationship but you are still young, there is a lot of life ahead of you. I hope you find whatever you decide to seek. 

[Shrimpnoodlecup]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I think that’s a very reasonable way to feel. I can’t say that I would feel any differently.

You are not the first woman to be lied to by a man, and sadly you won’t be the last… Everyone has relationships in their past that looking back, they wonder “what was I thinking!” 🤣

You certainly don’t need to date now, but I would encourage you to stay open to the idea in the future. You just never know what life has in store for you… Yes, this was a lot of time wasted in this relationship but you are still young, there is a lot of life ahead of you. I hope you find whatever you decide to seek. 

Thank you Bailey ♥️

[Wiseman2]

While the demise of a relationship (or the idea of one) is sad, perhaps in this case you dodged a bullet so your friends, family and loved ones are happy for you rather than acting like you got a divorce.

This may seem like a lack of sympathy, but keep in mind that they were not emotionally invested and blinded by his lies and superficial charm.

Once the discrepancy between who he is and what you wanted him to be is resolved and you're more able to see how damaging he was, you'll start to heal and feel better.

[Shrimpnoodlecup]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

While the demise of a relationship (or the idea of one) is sad, perhaps in this case you dodged a bullet so your friends, family and loved ones are happy for you rather than acting like you got a divorce.

This may seem like a lack of sympathy, but keep in mind that they were not emotionally invested and blinded by his lies and superficial charm.

Once the discrepancy between who he is and what you wanted him to be is resolved and you're more able to see how damaging he was, you'll start to heal and feel better.

Yes, exactly, I feel like they will rejoice in this heartbreak for me, but I think I have self issues like, how could this happen to me? Like I feel maybe too proud within myself to accept this happened to me… it’s really hard to swallow that I was in fact the OW… I just don’t know many people who have been, so I just don’t know how to process that… but I guess there is only one answer to move on, and accept everyone’s rejoice, but it’s still just hard swallowing that I lost this man whom I thought we had a future forever, and accept I was the other woman, and it was just a farce, and it hurts others maybe happy for my loss 

[Shrimpnoodlecup]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

While the demise of a relationship (or the idea of one) is sad, perhaps in this case you dodged a bullet so your friends, family and loved ones are happy for you rather than acting like you got a divorce.

This may seem like a lack of sympathy, but keep in mind that they were not emotionally invested and blinded by his lies and superficial charm.

Once the discrepancy between who he is and what you wanted him to be is resolved and you're more able to see how damaging he was, you'll start to heal and feel better.

And I’m also hurt that, why would he do that to me, did he even give a s***? Like how does one maintain a whole relationship ups and downs and the entire emotional drag… like do these men who do this even give a s***? Why go through all that with me and have a whole two children at home and promise me children in the future. It makes no sense. 
 

Like did he care at all about me? I did all this for a man & lost everything for someone who scammed me? I’m like wow. 

[Shrimpnoodlecup]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

While the demise of a relationship (or the idea of one) is sad, perhaps in this case you dodged a bullet so your friends, family and loved ones are happy for you rather than acting like you got a divorce.

This may seem like a lack of sympathy, but keep in mind that they were not emotionally invested and blinded by his lies and superficial charm.

Once the discrepancy between who he is and what you wanted him to be is resolved and you're more able to see how damaging he was, you'll start to heal and feel better.

I know it all doesn’t matter in the end it’s done. I just feel better after something terrible happens to: try to understand what happened — so I can frame it in my mind and move on, like okay this is what happened… okay accept it & move on 

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, Shrimpnoodlecup said:

I know it all doesn’t matter in the end it’s done. I just feel better after something terrible happens to: try to understand what happened

Some things are not meant to be understood.

You are a well intended person, he clearly is not - it makes sense that you do not understand “why” because that’s the the kind of person you are, it’s not something that you would ever do…

If your family/friends are “rejoicing,” I would suggest to you that that may be their expression of love for you. I would be so very grateful that my sister/friend had gotten away from this terrible man - I would be rejoicing too. I’m sure it doesn’t feel like that to you, as you are still trying to morn the relationship that you thought you had… still, you may want to consider the idea that they are not being hurtful when they rejoice the end of your relationship - perhaps it’s just relief, for you. And gratitude that you have finally “seen the light” and can now move on and find something better for yourself. 

 

[Shrimpnoodlecup]

53 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Some things are not meant to be understood.

You are a well intended person, he clearly is not - it makes sense that you do not understand “why” because that’s the the kind of person you are, it’s not something that you would ever do…

If your family/friends are “rejoicing,” I would suggest to you that that may be their expression of love for you. I would be so very grateful that my sister/friend had gotten away from this terrible man - I would be rejoicing too. I’m sure it doesn’t feel like that to you, as you are still trying to morn the relationship that you thought you had… still, you may want to consider the idea that they are not being hurtful when they rejoice the end of your relationship - perhaps it’s just relief, for you. And gratitude that you have finally “seen the light” and can now move on and find something better for yourself. 

 

Ya that’s a better way to frame the idea of their happiness, I can live with that. I just wish I knew why people drag other people the way I was, it’s just a shame & I am so embarrassed. I appreciate you all helping me frame this to settle my thoughts ♥️

[S2B]

I can understand why you would feel sad. He’s been lying to you this whole time. You have no idea who he really is.

don’t lie for anyone. He’s not the guy who takes responsibility for his actions and he never should have expected you to lie for him!

he’s not who you THOUGHT he WAS. Do some professional counseling to sort out all the twisted lies he’s told you for years.

he’s not a good guy. I hope - with counseling - you will see that your life can only be better without him.

he doesn’t follow rules (house arrest) he lies even more (hurts you) and doesn’t take responsibility for how HE participates. That kind of person will NEVER be a good partner.

When someone lies that much it’s hard to EVER make sense of what they’ve been doing. Best to cut and run - and I mean RUN!

Edited December 21, 2022 by S2B

[Shrimpnoodlecup]

9 minutes ago, S2B said:

I can understand why you would feel sad. He’s been lying to you this whole time. You have no idea who he really is.

don’t lie for anyone. He’s not the guy who takes responsibility for his actions and he never should have expected you to lie for him!

he’s not who you THOUGHT he WAS. Do some professional counseling to sort out all the twisted lies he’s told you for years.

he’s not a good guy. I hope - with counseling - you will see that your life can only be better without him.

he doesn’t follow rules (house arrest) he lies even more (hurts you) and doesn’t take responsibility for how HE participates. That kind of person will NEVER be a good partner.

When someone lies that much it’s hard to EVER make sense of what they’ve been doing. Best to cut and run - and I mean RUN!

Yep taking your advice … got my running shoes on!