Is hiding smoking a red flag?

[PotatoHead]

I'm curious of people's opinions who either have tried quitting smoking, or have been in a relationship with someone who's tried quitting before.  From what I hear, it is extremely difficult for smokers to quit for good and when they fall back to it, they tend to hide it for a number of reasons.  One being that they are ashamed of it and feel like they've failed every time.

If your SO has ever quit before, and then started again behind your back, does this level of betrayal equate to hiding other things in the relationship?  What if it happened multiple times even after they swore they would never hide it again?

Or do we give them a pass and still trust them in every other aspect of the relationship due to the addictive nature of nicotine?

[BaileyB]

Good question, my mom was a long term smoker and she “quit” smoking - only to then secretly sneak cigarettes for years. 

People hide things that they are not proud of - it’s easy to understand why someone would want to hide this.  

I have no interest in dating a smoker, so if this was a new relationship it would be an absolute deal breaker for me. But, I do appreciate how hard it is to stop smoking…

[PotatoHead]

8 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Good question, my mom was a long term smoker and she “quit” smoking - only to then secretly sneak cigarettes for years. 

People hide things that they are not proud of - it’s easy to understand why someone would want to hide this.  

I have no interest in dating a smoker, so if this was a new relationship it would be an absolute deal breaker for me. But, I do appreciate how hard it is to stop smoking…

My parents always struggled with this too.  I am learning that once someone is addicted to it, it's more than likely always a possibility that they'll start back up again no matter how long they go without.

Question is, coming from someone who is healing from ptsd and trust issues, if someone will hide this from you would they also hide other things?

I also never had any desire to date a smoker.  Fell in love with a woman who had quit for 5 years prior so I figured it was a thing of the past.  Then a year into it she picked it up again.

[BaileyB]

28 minutes ago, PotatoHead said:

if someone will hide this from you would they also hide other things?

I don’t know that I can answer this for you.

My honest answer would be - I don’t know that I would worry about that. Are people completely honest and truthful with their partner about every little thing - unlikely. I would say that people in relationships lie by omission and keep things from their partners sometimes… example, my car was once towed. I paid the fine and never told my spouse because I was embarrassed and I didn’t want him to tease me. Does that make me a bad person and an unsafe partner - I don’t think so.

There are no guarantees in relationship, if you are someone who suffers from PTSD and has trust issues and you are looking for an absolute guarantee that you will not be hurt in a relationship, you are not going to find that guarantee. If smoking is not a dealbreaker for you, I don’t know that I would end the relationship. I would continue to observe to see if there are other things that would indicate that she is not honest and transparent. However, if smoking is an absolute deal breaker for you and she has started smoking again, you may not be compatible and you may have a decision to make for that reason…

Edited December 20, 2022 by BaileyB

[glows]

Hiding anything is usually not a good idea and undermines trust, assumes the other person is blind or senseless. I’m sure you realize how easy it is to smell it on a person. Quitting isn’t hard for everyone. I know individuals who quit cold turkey. How important is it to you to date a non-smoker? Do your lifestyles coincide or complement each other or are you conflicted? 

Some people’s threshold for lying and omissions of truth are a lot higher than others. What some aren’t bothered by would not be anything what another feels comfortable with. I don’t think that means you need to normalize or assume white lies are always harmless. 

When dating you’re looking at lifestyle and interests. If someone can’t be truthful about something important to you like smoking and crosses that boundary or doesn’t respect you, you know it’s not working.

[PotatoHead]

Both really good answers. 

I'm not actually looking for answers to my particular situation, I've already been dealing with that on my own.  Just wanted to open up some general discussion on the topic.

Certainly there are never any guarantees in a relationship.  People will almost always hurt each other, hopefully learn and grow together from it.  I've noticed from talking to others with similar experiences that smoking for whatever reasons is much easier for people to lie about or hide from their SO than something else might be that they deem a more serious issue.  The smoker justifies doing it or makes it out to be not a big deal, says they were planning on telling them but never got around to it etc.

Of course the non-smoker will notice immediately due to the smell and taste, the strategies they use to cover it up and hide it are all too familiar.  That is almost the most insulting part to think that I wouldn't realize.   It definitely makes the healing process more difficult in being able to trust again despite everything else in  a relationship going the right direction and all of their other actions lining up.

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, PotatoHead said:

That is almost the most insulting part to think that I wouldn't realize. 

Indeed, my mom never actually told me that she would sneak cigarettes but I could smell it and I asked her about it. She lied to me because she knew I didn’t like it. My dad told me the truth years later… He confirmed what I had previously suspected. 

While I definitely think “white lies” or lies by omission do happen in relationships, I can see how it would erode trust over time.

I think smoking is such a difficult one because it is a very personal, emotional, socially unacceptable thing to do. There is judgment, which I’m sure creates a strong motivation to hide the behavior. 

And, it’s one of those things that - when you are smoking, you don’t understand why it bothers others. My mom used to say after she “quit” that she didn’t realize how much it bothered others until she wasn’t doing it anymore - she didn’t realize how much her clothing and hair smelled and how obtrusive it was when someone smokes in her presence. 

As I said above, I have no interest in dating a smoker so that would be the reason why I would end the relationship. But for others, they would be more willing to accept the smoking and secrecy that she has shown related to this behavior. 

[PotatoHead]

It definitely erodes trust, especially if it happens over and over again 🤦‍♂️ but I can understand the difficulties and the incentive to hide it.  I think seeing my parents struggle with it for so long makes me more sympathetic to that.

I haven't set such a strict boundary that it is a deal breaker for me per se.  I wouldn't have gone through the initial dating and building a relationship with someone who was actively smoking though.  Which begs the question, for someone who it is a deal breaker, what if you were already in a long term relationship and committed to someone and then they started smoking?  What if you were married or had kids together and then they started and couldn't stop?

The one compromise I had to make is that she switch to a vape instead of regular cigarettes.  Once the cat is out of the bag and she starts smoking them more frequently, I can't stand the taste and smell.  The vape is much more tolerable, I actually enjoy the smell of it.

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, PotatoHead said:

Which begs the question, for someone who it is a deal breaker, what if you were already in a long term relationship and committed to someone and then they started smoking?  What if you were married or had kids together and then they started and couldn't stop?

Personally, I think that decision would be very personal and different for everyone. For my father and others in my family, they have learned to live with it. That may in fact be part of my complacency with the dishonesty, I’ve experienced it in my family and we all just ignored it and went on with life. If my partner was to suddenly start smoking. I would find that very difficult to accept but I would also be very sad to end a long term relationship that has otherwise, been a good relationship. It is a very difficult position in which to put another. 

3 minutes ago, PotatoHead said:

The one compromise I had to make is that she switch to a vape instead of regular cigarettes.  Once the cat is out of the bag and she starts smoking them more frequently, I can't stand the taste and smell.  The vape is much more tolerable, I actually enjoy the smell of it.

As you say, maybe this is your compromise. I hope it works out for you. 

[Els]

4 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

If your SO has ever quit before, and then started again behind your back, does this level of betrayal equate to hiding other things in the relationship?

I'm not in this position... but to me hiding an addiction would be a problem, but not necessarily a literal "betrayal" the way cheating or lying about cheating would be.

Addictions are obviously harmful to the person, but unless these addictions are directly impacting your life (in ways that go beyond "they are lying to me about their addiction", e.g. if she was smoking in front of you and causing risk to your health), I would also generally view them as a mental illness - something that a person struggles with, not necessarily at their own fault. And therefore, just as with mental illness, my response depends on their response to it. If she is seeking help, and occasionally relapses, I would just be supportive.

[ShyViolet]

Years ago I had a boyfriend who was a smoker when I first met him, but I quickly decided that I couldn't tolerate breathing in secondhand smoke and I wanted him to quit.  So he quit for me.  Later in the relationship, like at least a year later I found out that he was smoking again and hiding it.  He would only smoke when he was at work or out of the house.  I didn't get all bent out of shape about it.  I was surprised but it wasn't worth getting super upset over.  I do not think it's fair at all to equate this with lying about other things like cheating.  Not the same at all.

[Calmandfocused]

No. It does not mean they are disloyal or untrustworthy people.  
 

“Hiding” an addiction relapse is due to feelings of guilt and shame and a fear of being judged harshly - mainly that others will think they are “weak”. They also fear that others will lose respect for them. 
 

The person with the addiction will more than likely disclose if they feel safe to do so. If they don’t feel safe and fear the consequences of disclosure they’ll simply continue to hide it. 
 

Most people I know who are former smokers attempted a few times before they were able to finally kick the habit for good. 

Edited December 20, 2022 by Calmandfocused

[Lotsgoingon]

No, I don't put smoking in the "lying" category. It's hard to explain why. Lots of people also hide how much they eat and when they fall off of diets and so on. 

It's really hard to fall off the no-smoking wagon and to immediately admit that to yourself---let alone to other people.

The experts interviewed about smoking now say something like failing to quit smoking--multiple times--is part of the process of quitting smoking. In other words, very few people quit and stay quit the first time. It's understood that quitting smoking involves multiple relapses as it were. But a smoking relapse--while yes bad for the body--doesn't lead to ten other horrible consequences like a cocaine or heroin relapse. Nicotine addicts don't need to steal and aren't disabled in showing up for jobs and so on. 

Now, if the person has a crack cocaine habit--yes I put that in a different category. 

[PotatoHead]

Thanks for all the input on this, it is really eye opening and helpful to see everyone's opinions.

To share more on my personal situation, I was upset not as much about the smoking but the fact it was hidden from me repeatedly as I am still recovering with ptsd from my marriage as well as rebuilding trust with other issues in this relationship.  So it was difficult for me to learn that hiding this one thing didn't equate to anything else being kept from me, but I have since come to terms with that.

I also got my hopes too high this last time that she had quit for good.  She was so excited about it and it had been months.  She told me how good she felt and how happy she was to be rid of it.  Said that she never craved it and didn't like when other people smoked around her at work, that she could never see going back to it again.  How someone can go from that to making the conscious chain of decisions to drive to the gas station, purchase a pack and start smoking again without consulting their SO for support was hard for me to understand.  It still is.  But we are working through it.

From this I have learned that this will probably be something that we will deal with forever.  That no matter how long she goes without smoking, there is always a chance she will go back to it.  That is something I have to accept.  But I will say that she is trying.  She has quit multiple times and is willing to vape as an alternative.  She is also going to start counseling to help understand her underlying issues more, what drives her to be so hard on herself and cause the stress that leads to the smoking.

[BaileyB]

23 minutes ago, PotatoHead said:

I was upset not as much about the smoking but the fact it was hidden from me repeatedly as I am still recovering with ptsd from my marriage as well as rebuilding trust with other issues in this relationship.  So it was difficult for me to learn that hiding this one thing didn't equate to anything else being kept from me, but I have since come to terms with that.

I don’t know that I would draw this conclusion. If it’s a one-off, one can say that it is an addiction, there is a shame that would lead her to try and hide it, etc… If this is part of a pattern of behavior that is causing you not to trust your partner - that is a different thing. I suppose, I am saying that whether I was upset about this lie may depend on what those “other issues” are…

I definitely agree with the above comment that people often attempt and fail to quit smoking several times before they finally quit. Another thing that makes the answer to your initial question a little more complicated…

23 minutes ago, PotatoHead said:

She is also going to start counseling to help understand her underlying issues

This is a very good thing, I would certainly try to support her in this decision. 

Best wishes!

Edited December 20, 2022 by BaileyB

[smackie9]

Both me and my husband were smokers. I have quit several times as long as 2 to 5 years at a time before quitting for good. Never saw a reason to "hide it".

[smackie9]

6 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

I'm curious of people's opinions who either have tried quitting smoking, or have been in a relationship with someone who's tried quitting before.  From what I hear, it is extremely difficult for smokers to quit for good and when they fall back to it, they tend to hide it for a number of reasons.  One being that they are ashamed of it and feel like they've failed every time.

If your SO has ever quit before, and then started again behind your back, does this level of betrayal equate to hiding other things in the relationship?  What if it happened multiple times even after they swore they would never hide it again?

Or do we give them a pass and still trust them in every other aspect of the relationship due to the addictive nature of nicotine?

Always be supportive no matter what.

[glows]

1 hour ago, PotatoHead said:

Thanks for all the input on this, it is really eye opening and helpful to see everyone's opinions.

To share more on my personal situation, I was upset not as much about the smoking but the fact it was hidden from me repeatedly as I am still recovering with ptsd from my marriage as well as rebuilding trust with other issues in this relationship.  So it was difficult for me to learn that hiding this one thing didn't equate to anything else being kept from me, but I have since come to terms with that.

I also got my hopes too high this last time that she had quit for good.  She was so excited about it and it had been months.  She told me how good she felt and how happy she was to be rid of it.  Said that she never craved it and didn't like when other people smoked around her at work, that she could never see going back to it again.  How someone can go from that to making the conscious chain of decisions to drive to the gas station, purchase a pack and start smoking again without consulting their SO for support was hard for me to understand.  It still is.  But we are working through it.

From this I have learned that this will probably be something that we will deal with forever.  That no matter how long she goes without smoking, there is always a chance she will go back to it.  That is something I have to accept.  But I will say that she is trying.  She has quit multiple times and is willing to vape as an alternative.  She is also going to start counseling to help understand her underlying issues more, what drives her to be so hard on herself and cause the stress that leads to the smoking.

How does this affect your attraction and trust levels in the relationship? You had alluded to being shaken that she hid this from you. Sometimes attraction for someone wanes despite the care we have for someone and it evolves into something else. As in the case of a prior relationship I developed a different feeling towards an ex after a similar situation. I can appreciate him as a person but I don’t see him as a partner.

Edited December 20, 2022 by glows

[hmmhmmm2]

so, i think the question isn't "would you date a smoker," but rather, "would you date someone who lies to you?" These are 2 very different things. If one is a smoker, they should want someone who understands the difficulty and struggle. If you desire to smoke but expect a healthy non-smoker to be ok with it, then you are fooling yourself.

That said, my father gave up smoking and then started vaping. My stepmom has scolded him plenty for it. He has said he quit - and I believed he had finally quit - but then I recently caught him vaping. So, actually I have no idea if he quit and picked up it back up or is just really good at hiding his addiction. He certainly wasn't good at hiding it from me when I was visiting lol.

All things considered, we all have our flaws. We all have our things we wish we could change about ourselves. Unfortunately, we live in a culture that basically censors anything they don't like.

[FMW]

If someone is addicted to smoking and their partner regularly says negative things about it, maybe even scolding them for it, lying about it would probably be for the purpose of getting some peace.  Quitting for any reason, including for someone else, is a grand idea, but apparently extremely difficult.  If someone lied to me about it I would probably look more to myself to see if I had been harassing them about it rather than thinking it makes them untrustworthy.  

I don't smoke, never have.  But people I love do or did and I appreciate the struggle.  

 

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

 does this level of betrayal equate to hiding other things in the relationship?  

Unfortunately this is not "betrayal" or lying or hiding. This is incompatibilities. She's a smoker, you're not so trying to fix or change her won't work.

If and when she is ready to quit smoking she will. If you are with someone you need to overhaul and don't trust, reflect if you are with the right person.

[PotatoHead]

16 hours ago, glows said:

How does this affect your attraction and trust levels in the relationship? You had alluded to being shaken that she hid this from you. Sometimes attraction for someone wanes despite the care we have for someone and it evolves into something else. As in the case of a prior relationship I developed a different feeling towards an ex after a similar situation. I can appreciate him as a person but I don’t see him as a partner.

 

At first it is definitely a turn off.  But over time I get used to it and get over it.  I accept it as part of who she is.  It causes a temporary setback in trust which can also cause me to have some ups and downs in regards to my feelings towards her.

Being shaken that it was hidden wasn't due to just the fact that it happened and I wasn't told.  It was because the last time she quit, she promised me that if she ever felt a desire to pick it up again or slipped up and had a smoke, that she would tell me and come to me for support.  That she swore she would never hide it again and I told her it was okay if she makes a mistake I just want to be in it together so I can understand and help.  I have always been supportive and understanding when it comes to the smoking, it was that she promised me one thing and then did another I guess because of the shame and guilt.

We have talked about it in depth now and the reasons that she slipped are understandable.  There were stress induced cravings, temptation being around other smokers and it was readily available.  After bumming the first one or two she may have thought that would be it, and therefore it wasn't a big deal to have to come to me about it.  But then I assume the cravings only got worse so she went and bought some.

[mark clemson]

I think the real question is - is this a deal-breaker for you?

This is not input on the question above, more just "sharing" but FYI I quit smoking and I'd say it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I relapsed many, many times, in particular due to my urge/rationalization to have a "last, goodbye cigarette". That inevitably triggered relapsing, several dozen times.

Titrating down may be helpful for her (at one point I would smoke 1/3 of a cigarette 3x/day) as might nicotine patches/cessation programs or similar interventions if she isn't trying those already.

I'm in my early 50's and there is a reasonable chance I'd be dead right now if I hadn't quit back in my 20's.

Edited December 21, 2022 by mark clemson

[Els]

22 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

How someone can go from that to making the conscious chain of decisions to drive to the gas station, purchase a pack and start smoking again without consulting their SO for support was hard for me to understand.  It still is. 

Then you have probably never suffered from any addictions, compulsions, or other mental health disorders in your life. It is not anywhere near as straightforward as you imagine.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

We have talked about it in depth now and the reasons that she slipped are understandable.  There were stress induced cravings, temptation being around other smokers and it was readily available.  

It would be best to let her handle it. Once you become jailer and prisoner or try to control her or her smoking you're in a power struggle, not a partnership.

There are a gazillion smoking cessation groups, medications, tools and resources. However as an adult she'll have to come to her own conclusions. 

The more you're her on her about it,the worse your relationship will become.  For now if you accept that she doesn't smoke around you or in your house, some of the cop-criminal dynamic will ease up for both of you.