Is hiding smoking a red flag?

[PotatoHead]

2 hours ago, Elswyth said:

Then you have probably never suffered from any addictions, compulsions, or other mental health disorders in your life. It is not anywhere near as straightforward as you imagine.

Exactly, this is what I am working to understand better and why hearing other people's stories who have been through it firsthand is so helpful.

29 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It would be best to let her handle it. Once you become jailer and prisoner or try to control her or her smoking you're in a power struggle, not a partnership.

There are a gazillion smoking cessation groups, medications, tools and resources. However as an adult she'll have to come to her own conclusions. 

The more you're her on her about it,the worse your relationship will become.  For now if you accept that she doesn't smoke around you or in your house, some of the cop-criminal dynamic will ease up for both of you. 

Never have tried to control it or be on her about it.  I've accepted her as a smoker and supported her when she has wanted to quit for herself.  She knows I don't enjoy being around cigarette smoke but that hasn't been a problem.  I've expressed that it concerns me for her health long term but that's all.  The same reasons that she wants to quit and has in the past, and plans to try again.  She's not quitting for me.  

Edited December 21, 2022 by PotatoHead

[glows]

7 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

 

At first it is definitely a turn off.  But over time I get used to it and get over it.  I accept it as part of who she is.  It causes a temporary setback in trust which can also cause me to have some ups and downs in regards to my feelings towards her.

Being shaken that it was hidden wasn't due to just the fact that it happened and I wasn't told.  It was because the last time she quit, she promised me that if she ever felt a desire to pick it up again or slipped up and had a smoke, that she would tell me and come to me for support.  That she swore she would never hide it again and I told her it was okay if she makes a mistake I just want to be in it together so I can understand and help.  I have always been supportive and understanding when it comes to the smoking, it was that she promised me one thing and then did another I guess because of the shame and guilt.

We have talked about it in depth now and the reasons that she slipped are understandable.  There were stress induced cravings, temptation being around other smokers and it was readily available.  After bumming the first one or two she may have thought that would be it, and therefore it wasn't a big deal to have to come to me about it.  But then I assume the cravings only got worse so she went and bought some.

I think the parts most confusing to me are that you’re expecting her to come to you. And if she doesn’t you seem to be taking it as a personal failure or a failure of the relationship. Since you’re accepting this as part of the relationship and she is who she is why does she have to include you in her decision to smoke? My view is: She can do it whenever she wants. She doesn’t have to talk to you about it. 

Let her be whatever she wants to be. You already know her saying she wants to quit is only intentions. If she quits it just won’t be part of your lives anymore. I wouldn’t get caught up with conversations or words about it. Let her talk if she wants but would never be the one to bring it up or make her self-conscious. 

If you’re still attracted to her then that’s a good thing.

[PotatoHead]

12 minutes ago, glows said:

I think the parts most confusing to me are that you’re expecting her to come to you. And if she doesn’t you seem to be taking it as a personal failure or a failure of the relationship. Since you’re accepting this as part of the relationship and she is who she is why does she have to include you in her decision to smoke? My view is: She can do it whenever she wants. She doesn’t have to talk to you about it. 

Let her be whatever she wants to be. You already know her saying she wants to quit is only intentions. If she quits it just won’t be part of your lives anymore. I wouldn’t get caught up with conversations or words about it. Let her talk if she wants but would never be the one to bring it up or make her self-conscious. 

If you’re still attracted to her then that’s a good thing.

 

I didn't just expect her to come to me, she told me that she would.  That we would be a team and were in this together, just as couples should be in any major decisions that affect the health and finances of one or both people.  I was there with her and supporting her every step of the way when she quit.  We shared in all of the small victories, celebrated the milestones, I was the one helping her stay calm and get through the cravings and the stress.  It became a journey for us both.  So yes it is hard to go through all of that together and then months down the road find out hey, by the way she went and undid it all without even thinking to tell me about it.  But I guess to each their own, it's over and done now and I accept it now where maybe I didn't as much before.

Edited December 21, 2022 by PotatoHead

[glows]

2 minutes ago, PotatoHead said:

 

I didn't just expect her to come to me, she told me that she would.  That we would be a team and were in this together, just as couples should be in any major decisions that affect the health and finances of one or both people.  I was there with her and supporting her every step of the way when she quit.  We shared in all of the small victories, celebrated the milestones, I was the one helping her stay calm and get through the cravings and the stress.  It became a journey for us both.  So yes it is hard to go through all of that together and then months down the road find out hey, by the way she went and undid it all without even thinking to tell me about it.  But I guess to each their own, it's over and done now and I accept it now where maybe I didn't as much before.

Yeah, I hear you. That is jarring. I would be too. It’s probably also a good time now to step back and love her but not get so involved in her quitting. You’re good to support her but not to the point where you’re upset if she doesn’t follow through. 

Carrying that resentment will erode the attraction and trust. You seem decided in your decision to remain with her so avoid this. Remain detached from her smoking choices since you’ve accepted it as part of her. Focus on your reasons for staying with a wonderful person. If you can’t do that and are still bothered with this quitting aspect chances are no, you are not compatible.

[Ami1uwant]

On 12/20/2022 at 9:24 AM, PotatoHead said:

I'm curious of people's opinions who either have tried quitting smoking, or have been in a relationship with someone who's tried quitting before.  From what I hear, it is extremely difficult for smokers to quit for good and when they fall back to it, they tend to hide it for a number of reasons.  One being that they are ashamed of it and feel like they've failed every time.

If your SO has ever quit before, and then started again behind your back, does this level of betrayal equate to hiding other things in the relationship?  What if it happened multiple times even after they swore they would never hide it again?

Or do we give them a pass and still trust them in every other aspect of the relationship due to the addictive nature of nicotine?

I understand the issue with my parents generation.

 

with people I’m dating it’s very big deal.  I will not marry/ date smokers.  Past smokers I might…it depends on their history.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

 it is hard to go through all of that together and then  undid it all without even thinking to tell me about it.  

She needs to do whatever she needs to do. It's not your journey. She also doesn't need to report anything to you as if she on probation. You'll have to detach yourself from this for both of your sakes. Ask her not to smoke around you or in your house. Hopefully that will ease up the tension created.