Ladies. what would you do if?

[Helicon5]

If you had that you were in a relationship on social media and you had pictures up of you two together and some guy from your distant past who you hardly knew messaged you saying he always had a crush on you. Would you:

A) Read his message, not answer him back and keep him as a friend?

or

B) Block him for disrespecting your boyfriend and your relationship?

 

 

Edited December 21, 2022 by Helicon5

[basil67]

Probably A

[Helicon5]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Probably A

Would you tell your bf?

[basil67]

Probably not.  If I didn't engage and nothing is going to happen, then it's not worth reporting.  

[Helicon5]

26 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Probably not.  If I didn't engage and nothing is going to happen, then it's not worth reporting.  

The reason I ask is because my gf threw a fit when she saw how many women were on my social media page, even though not one of them had ever hit me up or done anything wrong. I never hit them up either. They were there long before I met her, but because it mad her angry and upset I went through the list and unfriended many of them (right in front of her). Now she seems to think it's okay if some schmo from her past hits on her and it's okay to keep him as a friend. Would agree that's not fair?

Edited December 21, 2022 by Helicon5

[glows]

You can tell her how you feel but apart from that she doesn’t have to listen to you. You both may be growing apart. You’re dating to see what the other person is like so don’t get stuck in these details. If it’s not working out and you keep disrespecting each other, cut your losses.

[basil67]

17 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

The reason I ask is because my gf threw a fit when she saw how many women were on my social media page, even though not one of them had ever hit me up or done anything wrong. I never hit them up either. They were there long before I met her, but because it mad her angry and upset I went through the list and unfriended many of them (right in front of her). Now she seems to think it's okay if some schmo from her past hits on her and it's okay to keep him as a friend. Would agree that's not fair?

It's not about fairness or keeping score - rather it's about what you're prepared to accept. 

For what it's worth, I would have absolutely refused to delete a whole lot of male FB friends because my boyfriend got mad and upset.  Instead, I'd take a long, hard look at him and probably dump him.   But for what it's worth, if I hadn't already dumped someone for demanding that I remove friends of the opposite sex, I'd certainly dump them for their double standards.  Life's too short to deal with such angst.  

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Helicon5 said:

 Now she seems to think it's okay if some schmo from her past hits on her and it's okay to keep him as a friend. 

Unfortunately your relationship doesn't seem as solid or secure as you hope if you both have to police each other's social media. It's not about fair, it's about not trusting or respecting each other enough to do the right thing on your own accord.

Reflect if it's important for you to have a collection of female followers and if you are in a power struggle trying to get even because she was upset about your followers.

[Alpacalia]

It's clearly a double standard and you two are both being territorial.

You ended up with a "double-standard" because you are each (incorrectly) applying your own thought processes to the other person's behavior. 

Another point to consider is her influence in this. This is as in, is she doing this to create a little drama for herself, or to get you to commit to her more? Not saying this is for sure, but something to consider.

If there are other problems with regards to double standards, something else might be a better solution, but for anything that is just about jealousy, stop getting pushed around.

Any couple who has been in a relationship knows, trust is the number one reason relationships succeed or fail, and I think respect comes in second. If she cannot trust you or you cannot trust her, it's probably best to end things now.

[Els]

11 hours ago, Helicon5 said:

The reason I ask is because my gf threw a fit when she saw how many women were on my social media page, even though not one of them had ever hit me up or done anything wrong. I never hit them up either. They were there long before I met her, but because it mad her angry and upset I went through the list and unfriended many of them (right in front of her).

Well.... honestly, you have already set a precedence for her that you are perfectly fine with being a doormat. You know as well as we do that this demand was completely unreasonable. Yet, for whatever reason, you did it.

So, why wouldn't she expect more doormat behaviour from you on the double standards front?

Obviously, next her. Also... next time, having healthy boundaries from the start is a good idea.

 

[MsJayne]

I'd ignore the message and delete it, and probably delete the friend too as I would interpret the comment as disrespectful to my partner, (depending on length and status of relationship), and not say anything to my partner.  But I wouldn't have someone I hardly knew as a social media contact in the first place.  Sounds a bit weird, are you sure she didn't make the profile and send the message herself? Just that someone who goes off their rocker about you having opposite-sex friends on social media is probably quite capable of playing kooky mind games.  

[Stret]

On the one hand, I'd be wondering who are the women that my guy is friends with (even on social media), on the other, I would not have it in me to make requests of him that I myself am not able to live up to. It would be hypocritical.

[mortensorchid]

I would respond to the message and say something along the lines of "Thank you, I never knew this" or "I'm flattered, thank you".  But, that guy is in the past and you are obviously with this other man now.  And, that's that.  Would I tell my currant bf?  No, no reason to do so.  

I only had one or two people from my past find me on social media who I didn't want to have contact with anymore.  I just block them.  No reason to continue a relationship (even an online one of just chatting) when you've closed the book and moved on from that period of life.  It took me a long time to reach those conclusions, but others seem to have that attitude so I just stay by myself and mind my own business.  Keep moving forward and don't be afraid ... 

[Atwood]

Social media has a habit of uncovering the weak spots of trust in relationships. It's not about the guy reaching out, and it isn't about the amount of female friends you have, it's that you're both feeling very insecure at the moment. Do you feel you could have an open chat with each other about the real feelings behind these arguments? 

She doesn't trust you with those girls on your friends list, and you don't trust her with him on hers. If you're being honest with yourself, are you annoyed with her keeping him as a friend because you have your own reasons for keeping girls on yours? Just a thought. 

Either way, I think you do need to get to the bottom of this as a team by talking openly about your fears and insecurities and not just trying to control each other. You could both delete all your social media and solve the problem short-term, but it won't solve the trust issues. 

Edited December 22, 2022 by Atwood

[JRabbit]

On 12/21/2022 at 1:57 AM, Helicon5 said:

The reason I ask is because my gf threw a fit when she saw how many women were on my social media page, even though not one of them had ever hit me up or done anything wrong.

Why did you reverse the sex's for the original question? 

[smackie9]

You have to clean up your own backyard before you go pointing fingers.

[Gaeta]

So now you know she has double standards. 

I suggest you keep your social media clean. Meaning keep friends on there that are real life friends. Avoid adding to your social media the 100 other women you went on dates with and nothing else happened so you just keep them there as fillers. I would not date a man that has 10s of women on his social media that are fillers and he never speaks to. That's indicative of an attention seeker. 

I suggest you sit down together and decide what is acceptable and what's not and the rules apply to both of you. If she's not onboard with that then you're dating the wrong woman. 

If I'd find out an ex reached to my bf and he entertains her on social media, I would conclude I am dating the wrong man.