How did I end up here?

[Jaynie07]

Quick bg - am divorced woman with 2 grown up kids. Been divorced 8 years, in a very on/off relationship with a man for 5 years. Ended for good a year ago. 
 

Was still coming to terms with all of this when I met MM on a night out, he disclosed his marriage immediately, he had only been married for 1 month at this stage. He pursued me & I refused. Eventually, we started out as friends and became closer and it grew into an affair. This has been going on for 6 months now. They have no children together (2nd marriage).  We only see each other once a month due to distance but message all day every day and talk at length on the phone. He’s told me he loves me and wants to be with me, but I can’t ever see him leaving as he’s a newlywed. I’m not proud of this, I wish I could stop because the feeling of wanting & loving him so much, but also the feeling of being second best is killing me. I wish I’d never gotten into this situation. Any advice?

[BrinnM]

He’s newlywed but it’s also his 2nd marriage & they have no kids. IMO this scenario comes with better odds of anything serious developing than the typical family man with two kids in school scenario.
Why: He’s been divorced before, so he has crossed this line before. He knows it can be done, especially with no kids/no massive financial losses.

Not sure why you don’t see him more often, might be a distance thing, but the constant communication means that he’s at least somewhat intrigued & interested. Even though some might say that a quick text can be shot from anywhere, all throughout the day, without the spouse noticing, eg from the bathroom, car, grocery store etc. - it’s not like he’s gotta make a huge effort to keep in touch.

Anyway - I think your chances are better than those of other OWs, but whether or not you should pursue it further is your choice, and it could go awry. How much risk are you willing to take? Because it’s like a gamble - It’s like flipping a coin. You never know. And you have very little control. 

[stillafool]

Well it should be pretty simple conisidering he's a newlywed with no kids.  He can get his marriage annulled and be with you since you're the one he loves.  Is he in the process of doing that?  I'm not sure how you become friends with a random MM who hits on you at a bar.

[Jaynie07]

38 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

He’s newlywed but it’s also his 2nd marriage & they have no kids. IMO this scenario comes with better odds of anything serious developing than the typical family man with two kids in school scenario.
Why: He’s been divorced before, so he has crossed this line before. He knows it can be done, especially with no kids/no massive financial losses.

Not sure why you don’t see him more often, might be a distance thing, but the constant communication means that he’s at least somewhat intrigued & interested. Even though some might say that a quick text can be shot from anywhere, all throughout the day, without the spouse noticing, eg from the bathroom, car, grocery store etc. - it’s not like he’s gotta make a huge effort to keep in touch.

Anyway - I think your chances are better than those of other OWs, but whether or not you should pursue it further is your choice, and it could go awry. How much risk are you willing to take? Because it’s like a gamble - It’s like flipping a coin. You never know. And you have very little control. 

It’s a distance thing, he lives 3 hours away. He tells me he loves me all the time, and he says that he wants to leave, but makes no attempt to. I can sort of understand a man who has been married for years cheating, but it baffles me how a newlywed would do this. That’s exactly my dilemma, do I wait and see if he does & risk wasting time, or just carry on with him having his cake and eating it. I’ve told him I would never ask him to leave because that decision has to come from him and he says “never say never”

[Jaynie07]

13 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Well it should be pretty simple conisidering he's a newlywed with no kids.  He can get his marriage annulled and be with you since you're the one he loves.  Is he in the process of doing that?  I'm not sure how you become friends with a random MM who hits on you at a bar.

He can’t get it annulled because he’s still sleeping with her. There’s a bit more to how we met, but it’s very specific so I can’t put it on here because it would be easy to identify.

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Jaynie07 said:

He can’t get it annulled because he’s still sleeping with her. There’s a bit more to how we met, but it’s very specific so I can’t put it on here because it would be easy to identify.

So what?  If he's so in love with you he can get a divorce.  Why isn't he doing this?

[BrinnM]

1 minute ago, Jaynie07 said:

risk wasting time

You don’t have to “waste your time”. Try to be less dramatic, and more pragmatic about it: If you’re looking for a life partner, keep looking while he’s figuring out what to do. You don’t see him much anyways, so why put your life on hold for a once a month tryst?
IF he decides to take certain steps to separate, after you have met somebody else who interests you, you can decide what to do next. You can cross that bridge when you get there. It is not that easy to find somebody compatible at a certain age, so this might never happen, who knows…..

But don’t put your life on hold for one guy who lives 3 hours away and who is in another committed relationship. Keep dating if you feel like it & see what happens. 

[BaileyB]

Married a month and they have no children - as to the idea that he could end his marriage to be with you OP, I would say - why would you even consider that? 

I mean, he’s married for a month and he’s picking up another woman? He told you up front that he was married - he didn’t even hide it. That’s bold and audacious. This is not a man that i would ever chose to be in a relationship with - i value trust and fidelity in relationships. There is nothing to trust here. 

Edited December 21, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

The confusion you feel is because his words don’t match his actions. He tells you that he loves you and he wants to be together… but, he hasn’t filed for divorce. He goes home to her every night. 

His words to his wife also don’t match his actions. I’m sure when they married, he promised to love her and keep to her and her alone, and yet - he is likely not being honest with her about the fact that he is out seeking sex and professing “his love” to another woman. 

Words, as you know, are easily said in the moment. When there is a discrepancy between words and actions - pay close attention to the actions. They tell you more about that individuals true intentions and character than any words that come out of their mouth…

Edited December 21, 2022 by BaileyB

[Jaynie07]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

So what?  If he's so in love with you he can get a divorce.  Why isn't he doing this?

I can’t answer that

[Jaynie07]

4 hours ago, BrinnM said:

You don’t have to “waste your time”. Try to be less dramatic, and more pragmatic about it: If you’re looking for a life partner, keep looking while he’s figuring out what to do. You don’t see him much anyways, so why put your life on hold for a once a month tryst?
IF he decides to take certain steps to separate, after you have met somebody else who interests you, you can decide what to do next. You can cross that bridge when you get there. It is not that easy to find somebody compatible at a certain age, so this might never happen, who knows…..

But don’t put your life on hold for one guy who lives 3 hours away and who is in another committed relationship. Keep dating if you feel like it & see what happens. 

I’d just be comparing everyone else to him.

[Jaynie07]

4 hours ago, BaileyB said:

The confusion you feel is because his words don’t match his actions. He tells you that he loves you and he wants to be together… but, he hasn’t filed for divorce. He goes home to her every night. 

His words to his wife also don’t match his actions. I’m sure when they married, he promised to love her and keep to her and her alone, and yet - he is likely not being honest with her about the fact that he is out seeking sex and professing “his love” to another woman. 

Words, as you know, are easily said in the moment. When there is a discrepancy between words and actions - pay close attention to the actions. They tell you more about that individuals true intentions and character than any words that come out of their mouth…

This is heartbreaking but very true

[MsJayne]

Block and delete, and be grateful you're not the poor woman he married a month ago and is already treating like dirt. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Jaynie07 said:

 That’s exactly my dilemma, do I wait and see if he does & risk wasting time, or just carry on with him having his cake and eating it. 

Sorry this is happening. Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. Reflect why you are settling for this instead of a satisfy relationship.

Choose option #3. End it and delete and block him rather than wasting time or being in the periphery of his life.

Sadly it's a catch-22. Ironically, you're becoming more isolated and estranged from yourself and your life in an attempt to avoid loneliness for the hit-and-miss chance of being with someone.

[stillafool]

57 minutes ago, Jaynie07 said:

I can’t answer that

Why haven't you asked HIM why he isn't working on getting a divorce if he's in love with you?  Why don't you stop seeing him until he does?

[Jaynie07]

18 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why haven't you asked HIM why he isn't working on getting a divorce if he's in love with you?  Why don't you stop seeing him until he does?

I have asked him, he said he wants to but it’s difficult.

[Jaynie07]

36 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Block and delete, and be grateful you're not the poor woman he married a month ago and is already treating like dirt. 

This makes perfect sense but I’m already too in love with him.

[Jaynie07]

31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. Reflect why you are settling for this instead of a satisfy relationship.

Choose option #3. End it and delete and block him rather than wasting time or being in the periphery of his life.

Sadly it's a catch-22. Ironically, you're becoming more isolated and estranged from yourself and your life in an attempt to avoid loneliness for the hit-and-miss chance of being with someone.

There is an element of truth in this, I am very lonely but also haven’t had a connection like this with anyone ever in my life so it’s really difficult to walk away from. That feels like I’m left with nothing and he just goes back to his normal life while she’s none the wiser. I’m left heartbroken and nothing changes for him.

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, Jaynie07 said:

I have asked him, he said he wants to but it’s difficult.

It’s not that difficult… He cheated on his wife after ONE MONTH! If he is not able to be faithful, he should never have married. The best and kind thing to do for his wife is to right that situation - by filing for divorce. 

What’s easier to do is to string you along indefinitely with some nice words… it’s easier to tell you that he loves you and that he wants to be with you than to actually file for divorce, that’s for sure. 

The easy thing for you to do is to stay around and believe his words… that’s easier than telling him to come find you when he is divorced/single. 

[MsJayne]

2 minutes ago, Jaynie07 said:

This makes perfect sense but I’m already too in love with him.

OK, so you need to step back and force him to make a choice.  Please don't allow him to make you play second fiddle, it will crush your self esteem and when it's all over, (when you try to force him to make a choice), you'll be devastated because in hindsight you'll see you were being manipulated.  Think hard about what sort of person cheats one month into a marriage and whether you would want that person in your life influencing your children. 

[Lotsgoingon]

OK, you are too in love with him. There's the problem, right there.  Well your "in love" meter is malfunctioning and you need to turn it off, rip it off the wall--send it off to be repaired--and  give decision control of your life to other parts of the brain.

This guy got involved with you a month after he got married--are you kidding me? That means he just wants to have sex, and  he wanted to establish the pattern of cheating right away. He had no plans to be faithful with his wife--and if he ended up with you, he would absolutely go on the hunt for a side partner again. He should have stopped the marriage if he wanted to have sex with you. This guy is just a philanderer and if you leave, he's going to find some other  unsuspecting target and throw a bunch of b.s. at her and get into her pants. 

You say "I wish I could stop." Well of course, you can stop. Most likely his unavailability to you (that he can only place so many demands since he's married) is part of the attraction for you.  As long as you think "I wish I could stop," you will be vulnerable to his charms. 

[BrinnM]

1 hour ago, Jaynie07 said:

I’d just be comparing everyone else to him.

Well then you’re not cut out for this. You’ve gotta move on, and you must do it now. 

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, Jaynie07 said:

I am very lonely but also haven’t had a connection like this with anyone ever in my life so it’s really difficult to walk away from. That feels like I’m left with nothing. He just goes back to his normal life. I’m left heartbroken and nothing changes for him.

You don’t have anything now! He is married to another woman - you do not have him now. 

And yes, this is exactly what happens when you chose to involve yourself with a married man. When the relationship ends, nothing changes for him because his relationship with you is in addition to his marriage. Assuming that you are not discovered, his wife will be none the wiser - until the next time he steps out and she ultimately learns the truth of her marriage… She does not “win” here as he is no prize. 

It’s not uncommon for the other woman to be left out in the cold, bereft and alone, both during the relationship and when it ends. In truth, it is the way the relationship was always destined to end… the few times that it doesn’t are the exception, not the norm. 

 

[BaileyB]

32 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

OK, you are too in love with him. There's the problem, right there.  Well your "in love" meter is malfunctioning and you need to turn it off, rip it off the wall--send it off to be repaired--and  give decision control of your life to other parts of the brain.

Yup! 

”I’ve never found this kind of connection with another man” is usually code for - and now, I’m going to abandon all logical thought…

The fact that you are lonely and think that you love this guy is not reason to abandon all other common sense OP. 

You got to think with your head, not just your heart. Because, if you follow your heart only it will lead you into a world of hurt…

Edited December 21, 2022 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Jaynie07 said:

There is an element of truth in this, I am very lonely but also haven’t had a connection like this with anyone ever in my life so it’s really difficult to walk away from. That feels like I’m left with nothing and he just goes back to his normal life while she’s none the wiser. I’m left heartbroken and nothing changes for him.

This is the end result of choosing to get involved with a married person.  They rarely if ever leave their spouse for the affair partner.  Yours has the easiest way out of his marriage but yet says it's hard to leave.  He has no kids, mortgage or anything tied to her except his heart.  If he doesn't leave now it's never going to happen.  Hopefully it won't be years before you realize that while watching your chances for marriage and a family pass by that would have been with someone else.  I'm curious what do you want from LoveShack since you're intent on staying in this affair?