Not making friends, not for lack of trying.

[Cute-Frog339]

[ ] How does one make a friend?

Throughout my life, I have gone to lots of events and have got along with people, but this never translates to anything meaningful. I've noticed that, despite my best efforts, no one seems to want to connect on a deeper level. Yet, everyone else around me seems to have no issue - by the end of the evening, they're adding each other on social media, and arranging another get-together. I've never experienced this, despite people seemingly getting on well with me and having positive things to say.

I hear stories of people going to concerts and making new friends, or how they did volunteering which led to them being invited to parties. I can't even begin to understand how this happens.

Right now, I literally have no one to reach out to for support, or simply talk to on any given day. It's very isolating, and I struggle with this. Human beings are designed for connecting with others, and yet life hasn't been kind to me in this regard.

Edited December 22, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed comment about previous thread

[glows]

Maybe you seem very needy. I mean this in the sense that others are sensing you need them rather than casually hanging out, no big deal sort of thing. I can’t speak for anyone else but it helps if you feel good about yourself first and foremost and aren’t hoping for anyone else to fill that void. Go out and do things on your own, explore and try something new at least once a month. Be interested in the journey and not just the destination or whatever people are there.

[Weezy1973]

9 hours ago, Cute-Frog339 said:

[ ] How does one make a friend?

Usually it’s just a somewhat natural escalation of spending time together. Usually with guys it involves an activity. But it looks like you’re seeking emotional support or someone to talk to regularly. Generally speaking, guys don’t really do this with other guys. They get together to do something. Whereas women tend to get together to talk and the thing they’re doing is secondary. If what you’re looking for is someone to talk to, I’d recommend a platonic friendship with a woman. Work colleagues can become friends. Besides school, work is where I’ve made most of my friends. Just takes a bit of effort.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Cute-Frog339 said:

, I literally have no one to reach out to for support, or simply talk to on any given day. It's very isolating, in

You work and live at home so people are around. You also claim you go out and do things often, so people are around. It's a matter of trying to connect to people in a relatable manner. A lot of people struggle with loneliness so you're not alone in this.

[Atwood]

Have you ever had friends before? How did those friendships go? How did they end? How did you contribute to the upkeep or drifting away? 

How would you describe an ideal friendship for you?

[Cute-Frog339]

4 hours ago, glows said:

Maybe you seem very needy. I mean this in the sense that others are sensing you need them rather than casually hanging out, no big deal sort of thing. I can’t speak for anyone else but it helps if you feel good about yourself first and foremost and aren’t hoping for anyone else to fill that void. Go out and do things on your own, explore and try something new at least once a month. Be interested in the journey and not just the destination or whatever people are there.

I often do things alone. I continue to live my life, but it's not resulted in meaningful relationships.

3 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Usually it’s just a somewhat natural escalation of spending time together. Usually with guys it involves an activity. But it looks like you’re seeking emotional support or someone to talk to regularly. Generally speaking, guys don’t really do this with other guys. They get together to do something. Whereas women tend to get together to talk and the thing they’re doing is secondary. If what you’re looking for is someone to talk to, I’d recommend a platonic friendship with a woman. Work colleagues can become friends. Besides school, work is where I’ve made most of my friends. Just takes a bit of effort.

It's more-so the case that I don't have any close friendships to begin with. I get on with work colleagues, but they're all married with kids, so their time is limited.

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You work and live at home so people are around. You also claim you go out and do things often, so people are around. It's a matter of trying to connect to people in a relatable manner. A lot of people struggle with loneliness so you're not alone in this.

Yeah, I agree that people struggle with loneliness. However, everyone I knew has been able to maintain friendships past school, university etc. If I visit their social media pages, they'll have 500+ contacts, whereas I have 2. Whilst I don't put too much stock into one's social media presence, as I recognise it's basically collecting Pokemon, there's something to be said that they are at least willing to connect with each other in that way, whereas that doesn't happen for myself.

2 hours ago, Atwood said:

Have you ever had friends before? How did those friendships go? How did they end? How did you contribute to the upkeep or drifting away? 

How would you describe an ideal friendship for you?

I could only repeat what I said in the other thread about that. I've had "friends", but these were often with toxic people, so I cut them off.

An ideal friendship would depend on the person. It would be nice to have people to call up and hang out with, and one or two I could rely on for support. Anything that would aid me to have an active social life, and consequently meet even more people, would be beneficial.

[glows]

People come and go. You can’t depend on anyone to be your support. I would suggest counselling or therapy if you’re looking for consistent and reliable support. I don’t look to friends as support per se and am more self-regulating and independent. When I work or volunteer I’m focusing on the projects not on making friends with the hope of someone introducing me to their social circle - this would weird me out if I met someone like that. 

Like I said I can’t speak for anyone else. I’m sorry you’re feeling like there’s no one you can turn to. 

 

Edited December 22, 2022 by glows

[FMW]

I think people are generally attracted to and interested in getting to know others who seem to be happy with their lives.  As has been mentioned, if you seem too needy of attention it usually makes others keep their distance and keep things at casual contact.  We become friends with people we feel will add to our lives, not those who from the beginning seem to need something from us, including emotional support.  The "vibe" of neediness is a repellant.

I'm sorry you've had a difficult time making lasting friends.  Continue, or start, being involved in organizations and group settings that afford you opportunities to interact with others.  Focus on doing the things you enjoy and pleasant interactions with others, not on making those interactions turn into something more.  Just like with romantic relationships, friendships come along when you're not actively looking.   Cliche, but true.

[Cute-Frog339]

1 hour ago, glows said:

People come and go. You can’t depend on anyone to be your support. I would suggest counselling or therapy if you’re looking for consistent and reliable support. I don’t look to friends as support per se and am more self-regulating and independent. When I work or volunteer I’m focusing on the projects not on making friends with the hope of someone introducing me to their social circle - this would weird me out if I met someone like that. 

Like I said I can’t speak for anyone else. I’m sorry you’re feeling like there’s no one you can turn to. 

I think you misunderstand my point.

It would be nice to meet people and build some form of a relationship with them. So far, I've not been able to do that. I'm sure you have people in your life that you feel close to, can depend upon etc. That is what I desire also, but I can't seem to get it. I'm also not going around desperately. I talk to people and get along with them, but I'm not forcing myself on them or asking them to invite me to places. That would be weird.

I'm not looking for a pseudo-counsellor, and I already do therapy.

1 hour ago, FMW said:

I think people are generally attracted to and interested in getting to know others who seem to be happy with their lives.  As has been mentioned, if you seem too needy of attention it usually makes others keep their distance and keep things at casual contact.  We become friends with people we feel will add to our lives, not those who from the beginning seem to need something from us, including emotional support.  The "vibe" of neediness is a repellant.

I'm sorry you've had a difficult time making lasting friends.  Continue, or start, being involved in organizations and group settings that afford you opportunities to interact with others.  Focus on doing the things you enjoy and pleasant interactions with others, not on making those interactions turn into something more.  Just like with romantic relationships, friendships come along when you're not actively looking.   Cliche, but true.

I came to this forum about eight years ago, and this was the exact advice I was given. It was a similar story with dating. It hasn't worked for me.

Let's put it this way; if I were coming here, telling you that I sit in my room all day and play video games, you'd tell me to go out and make friends. What's the advice for someone who does go out to try and make friends / date, but can't?

I wish I could get you people to understand how painfully lonely I am. It's an awful long time to feel this way.

Edited December 22, 2022 by Cute-Frog339

[FMW]

I'm sorry our suggestions don't work for you, and very sorry that you are so lonely.  Do you have someone who knows you well (family member maybe) that can give you their opinion?  If not, maybe even make an appointment to talk to a counselor, face to face.  Without having actual face to face contact with you it's hard to say what might be holding you back.  Sometimes we're not aware of how we may appear to others, I know at times I've been surprised when people said things about me that don't fit with my own view of myself. For example I've been told a few times that I'm very private, while most of the time I feel like an open book. That might not be true of you, but there may be something about you that keeps people at a little distance.  

[Els]

Where do you meet people? I've generally found that long-term activities (like a club that meets on a weekly basis) that retain the same people week after week is the easiest way for me to make friends, along with work. Because for me, friendships form pretty gradually. I don't generally meet people for just one day and then start arranging hangouts after that. It's also generally more difficult when you're not in college IMO, but such is life.

Also... just checking to be sure, since I read your other post.... you are making the effort to be friends with both men AND women, right? Because it's really, really obvious (and a huge "creep" sign) if you're in a social setting and you're just trying to chum up to the women and are ignoring the men...

[mark clemson]

Here's a comment from a recent similar thread that might apply for you as well:

 

[Cute-Frog339]

22 minutes ago, FMW said:

I'm sorry our suggestions don't work for you, and very sorry that you are so lonely.  Do you have someone who knows you well (family member maybe) that can give you their opinion?  If not, maybe even make an appointment to talk to a counselor, face to face.  Without having actual face to face contact with you it's hard to say what might be holding you back.  Sometimes we're not aware of how we may appear to others, I know at times I've been surprised when people said things about me that don't fit with my own view of myself. For example I've been told a few times that I'm very private, while most of the time I feel like an open book. That might not be true of you, but there may be something about you that keeps people at a little distance.  

I am seeing a therapist, and they don't think there's anything wrong with my social ability. That's been the same sentiment from several therapists.

Sadly I don't have anyone to ask.

12 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

Where do you meet people? I've generally found that long-term activities (like a club that meets on a weekly basis) that retain the same people week after week is the easiest way for me to make friends, along with work. Because for me, friendships form pretty gradually. I don't generally meet people for just one day and then start arranging hangouts after that. It's also generally more difficult when you're not in college IMO, but such is life.

Also... just checking to be sure, since I read your other post.... you are making the effort to be friends with both men AND women, right? Because it's really, really obvious (and a huge "creep" sign) if you're in a social setting and you're just trying to chum up to the women and are ignoring the men...

Volunteering, dance classes, art and book clubs, meetup events (pub crawls etc), hiking groups.

I generally speak to the men, more than the women, at these events.

6 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Here's a comment from a recent similar thread that might apply for you as well:

 

I'll give it a read, but initial impressions from the thread title and description would indicate this is about losing friends, whereas I've never really had any.

[Els]

14 minutes ago, Cute-Frog339 said:

Volunteering, dance classes, art and book clubs, meetup events (pub crawls etc), hiking groups.

I generally speak to the men, more than the women, at these events.

Ahhhh. Okay, yeah, fair enough.

Honestly, aside from pub crawls, those aren't really settings where (from my observation, anyway) guys typically make male friends. I usually see men bonding over more stereotypically male-dominated activities like sports, games, cars/bikes, hunting/fishing, etc. But I also don't think that you should change your interests just to "fit in with the guys". If these things are what you enjoy, then keep doing them. It might just be a bit more difficult to make friends through them as a male, especially if you live in a more conservative locale. But if you persevere, then you'll eventually make friends who appreciate you for who you are.

Quote

I'll give it a read, but initial impressions from the thread title and description would indicate this is about losing friends, whereas I've never really had any.

You had no friends in school? College?

Edited December 22, 2022 by Elswyth

[mark clemson]

What are your expectations? Is it possible the "deeper level" you're referring to is something people typically reserve for romantic partners?

As an adult, I'd expect to see friends once a week for an activity such as coffee/lunch/card game once a week at an absolute maximum. So a few hours a week, tops. Maybe if I happened to live right next to them it would be more, but even in that case I'd "give them their space".

There is typically only so much one can ask of a friend in terms of "regular companionship" as an adult.

Online communities are easier as there are more people, and they tend to be around in those whenever it's convenient and they have nothing special going on.

Edited December 22, 2022 by mark clemson

[Weezy1973]

29 minutes ago, Cute-Frog339 said:

I generally speak to the men, more than the women, at these events.

Have you ever invited the men to do something outside of the particular event that you’re at?

 

1 hour ago, Cute-Frog339 said:

What's the advice for someone who does go out to try and make friends / date, but can't?

What do you mean by try? When you connect with someone do you try to get their contact information or ask them to hang out? My advice would be to invite a bunch of folks you know out to a pub night to watch a game. Or organize a games night. If you want friends you’re going to have to actually put in effort. When you’re young it happens pretty effortlessly but when you get older you have to work at it. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Cute-Frog339 said:

What's the advice for someone who does go out to try and make friends / date, but can't?

What type of women are you interested in meeting?  What is the criteria?  That might give us a better idea of how you can meet her.

[Cute-Frog339]

23 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

Ahhhh. Okay, yeah, fair enough.

Honestly, aside from pub crawls, those aren't really settings where (from my observation, anyway) guys typically make male friends. I usually see men bonding over more stereotypically male-dominated activities like sports, games, cars/bikes, hunting/fishing, etc. But I also don't think that you should change your interests just to "fit in with the guys". If these things are what you enjoy, then keep doing them. It might just be a bit more difficult to make friends through them as a male, especially if you live in a more conservative locale. But if you persevere, then you'll eventually make friends who appreciate you for who you are.

You had no friends in school? College?

"But if you preserve"...is a lifetime, thus far, not enough?

No, I didn't. I was bullied heavily at school, and college wasn't much different. I associated with the wrong people at university, so I cut them off.

20 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

What are your expectations? Is it possible the "deeper level" you're referring to is something people typically reserve for romantic partners?

As an adult, I'd expect to see friends once a week for an activity such as coffee/lunch/card game once a week at an absolute maximum. So a few hours a week, tops. Maybe if I happened to live right next to them it would be more, but even in that case I'd "give them their space".

There is typically only so much one can ask of a friend in terms of "regular companionship" as an adult.

Online communities are easier as there are more people, and they tend to be around in those whenever it's convenient and they have nothing special going on.

I don't even have anyone to hang out with once a week, and that would be fine with me if that were the case.

I've never been able to meet anyone through online communities either. I may get chatting to someone for a short while, but they'll eventually drop off the face of the earth. I had an American penpal a few months ago (who even told me it was so pleasant to talk to a guy who was respectful towards her), but she disappeared. Online friendships are unreliable.

3 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Have you ever invited the men to do something outside of the particular event that you’re at?

Yes. The result is always the same.

A) If they agree to hang out, we'll do so a couple of times.

B) They'll never invite me out.

C) They don't make efforts to stay in touch (social media, a text etc).

D) Eventually, I stop hearing from them.

[Cute-Frog339]

Just now, stillafool said:

What type of women are you interested in meeting?  What is the criteria?  That might give us a better idea of how you can meet her.

One that wants to talk to me, would be a good start.

I won't repeat what I said in the previous thread, but I hope by now you understand that I do not have any relationships with the opposite sex.

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Cute-Frog339 said:

One that wants to talk to me, would be a good start.

I won't repeat what I said in the previous thread, but I hope by now you understand that I do not have any relationships with the opposite sex.

I think it's pretty obvious by now as you've repeated it several times.  Have you considered attending church?  Large churches have singles groups and it doesn't put you under pressure but is a pleasant time from what I've been told.   There are people there of all ages, cultures and lifestyles.  They just eat and socialize.

[Cute-Frog339]

Just now, stillafool said:

I think it's pretty obvious by now as you've repeated it several times.  Have you considered attending church?  Large churches have singles groups and it doesn't put you under pressure but is a pleasant time from what I've been told.   There are people there of all ages, cultures and lifestyles.  They just eat and socialize.

I'm not religious.

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Cute-Frog339 said:

I'm not religious.

Well you don't have to be religious to attend however it doesn't sound like something you're interested in. 

Everything we suggest gets knocked down by you it seems and unfortunately this is sounding like the experience you had here before where you didn't get the help you were looking for.  We are not professionals,  just ordinary folks; so it's good you're seeing someone and perhaps they can make a break through.

[Cute-Frog339]

14 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Well you don't have to be religious to attend however it doesn't sound like something you're interested in. 

Everything we suggest gets knocked down by you it seems and unfortunately this is sounding like the experience you had here before where you didn't get the help you were looking for.  We are not professionals,  just ordinary folks; so it's good you're seeing someone and perhaps they can make a break through.

I didn't exactly shoot the idea down. I just think it's disingenuous to go, when I don't share the same beliefs as the people there. For what it's worth, I have been to a couple of church events, as someone I know goes to one, but same result - no friends made through it.

Also, there's a difference between shooting an idea down, and telling you that I've tried it and it doesn't work. This was often a point of contention on this forum years ago, as people thought I was either trolling or not trying. I genuinely am doing the latter.

Edited December 22, 2022 by Cute-Frog339

[Els]

50 minutes ago, Cute-Frog339 said:

"But if you preserve"...is a lifetime, thus far, not enough?

Well, if you want to, you can always start participating on those male-dominated activities...

[Weezy1973]

53 minutes ago, Cute-Frog339 said:.

Yes. The result is always the same.

A) If they agree to hang out, we'll do so a couple of times.

B) They'll never invite me out.

C) They don't make efforts to stay in touch (social media, a text etc).

D) Eventually, I stop hearing from them.

This actually sounds pretty typical for guys. Usually there’s an “organizer” and if they stop organizing nobody really takes over. It just fades. If you’re the organizer you have to keep it up or things will just fade.