Gut feeling

[Artelius]

3 hours ago, glows said:

Then it’s likely a very, very good idea that you end the relationship and let her live her life and find someone else who does trust her. You owe yourself the same with someone you can trust. 

Avoid prolonging this. Do you live together? What are your living circumstances?

Yes, I've come to that conclusion that the end is nigh. We each have our own places.

[Artelius]

6 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Respectfully, you might consider whether any LTR with you isn't, essentially, a house of cards then?

If a partner can do absolutely nothing at all, but circumstances seem to implicate them even just a little bit and then you walk, how is that fair to a partner?

There are MANY circumstances in life that might "suggest some doubt" and trigger just a bit of suspicion on your part. Your post is, indeed an example of that (unless some actual evidence turns up).

This isn't something you need to address here (unless you wish to), but something you might reflect on. It seems quite unfair to any potential partner, and you might consider whether any relationship with you is essentially doomed from the start due to this. If you wish to have LT partners, would you perhaps benefit from therapy? You are you and perhaps don't see the need, but just a thought.

If the quote above was hyperbole, then perhaps I'm off here.

Yes, you make a valid point here Mark. Maybe I have issues with trust etc. And if she is not guilty, then I am being unfair and she deserves a more balanced relationship. I have my work and other avenues into which I can put my energies. My instinct tells me I've been betrayed. I believe I will walk away before year end.

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, Artelius said:

Two years, I had to go to the far east for work. I was gone for 12 months. My gut tells me he slept with my girlfriend.

It's interesting that she expects a proposal and now, after 2 years, you assume infidelity based on hunches.

Perhaps you're right that it's best to end it, but you don't need a nefarious reason to do so. You can simply part ways without accusations or suspicions.

It's kinder to end it than string her along when she's expecting a commitment/a ring for Christmas, etc. It actually doesn't matter why you're ending it in the long run.

[Artelius]

42 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's interesting that she expects a proposal and now, after 2 years, you assume infidelity based on hunches.

Perhaps you're right that it's best to end it, but you don't need a nefarious reason to do so. You can simply part ways without accusations or suspicions.

It's kinder to end it than string her along when she's expecting a commitment/a ring for Christmas, etc. It actually doesn't matter why you're ending it in the long run.

She doesn't really expect  proposal Wiseman. It's just something I was considering. She drops hints every now and then which I ignore. But we have not made any plans together for marriage. I agree that it doesn't matter how it ends, the result is what matters. Thank you.

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Artelius said:

 She drops hints every now and then which I ignore. . I agree that it doesn't matter how it ends, the result is what matters. Thank you.

Yes indeed. In the long run you'll both be happier going your separate ways.

[Tempocontour]

If you have not broken up with your gf yet, have you checked your gf's cell phone bills to see if the guys number is on it? Any text? You could ask her to take a poly. 

[Artelius]

On 1/8/2023 at 5:35 AM, Tempocontour said:

If you have not broken up with your gf yet, have you checked your gf's cell phone bills to see if the guys number is on it? Any text? You could ask her to take a poly. 

Hi there, thanks for your reply. No, I wouldn't check her phone bill. I wouldn't know how to do it and don't even know her provider. I've decided to just stay with her. Maybe I was being paranoid. What is a poly?

[glows]

They mean polygraph, a lie detector test. 

Why did you decide to stay with her? Where do you see this relationship headed?

[poppyfields]

On 12/22/2022 at 6:25 AM, Artelius said:

Two years, I had to go to the far east for work. I was gone for 12 months. My gut tells me he slept with my girlfriend while I was gone. I have no proof. Just my gut instinct which Ive always trusted and used to make decisions in life. I have said nothing to my partner. How can I know if my gut feeling is right or wrong? If she did cheat I don't want to continue the relationship.

When people experience a "sense" of something, a gut feeling, it's typically based on something, a look between them or how often she talks about him or the tone in which she speaks of him, something.

When it's based on nothing as in your case, it's been said that that is NOT your gut feeling, but rather an insecurity/anxiety that is causing you to distrust her.

Your insecurity and anxiety are speaking to you that she cheated and you are interpreting that as your "gut feeling."

So be careful about that,

I think the fact your relationship is at the point where marriage is being considered is telling.  This could be about fear. 

I know all about fear and fear can convince us of something happening when it's not, it's simply your fear.

I would explore this because this is what I envision happening.

You will end it, based on this "gut feeling," which is actually your insecurity/anxiety and fear and once it's over and the anxiety and fear are gone, you will begin to second guess your decision, realize you jumped the gun and made a big mistake.

At this point, you will attempt to get her back.  Problem is if you have not resolved your insecurities and fears about close committed relationships, the same will happen again.

It can become a vicious cycle of push/pull, break up/get back which is emotionally exhausting and has the potential to cause a lot of emotional damage to the both of you.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 9, 2023 by poppyfields

[JTSW]

Has she done things in the past to make you think she may be a cheater?

You have a lack of trust so I'm assuming there is a reason.

Did your late friend/colleague know her? Did they interact before he passed?

[Artelius]

20 hours ago, poppyfields said:

When people experience a "sense" of something, a gut feeling, it's typically based on something, a look between them or how often she talks about him or the tone in which she speaks of him, something.

When it's based on nothing as in your case, it's been said that that is NOT your gut feeling, but rather an insecurity/anxiety that is causing you to distrust her.

Your insecurity and anxiety are speaking to you that she cheated and you are interpreting that as your "gut feeling."

So be careful about that,

I think the fact your relationship is at the point where marriage is being considered is telling.  This could be about fear. 

I know all about fear and fear can convince us of something happening when it's not, it's simply your fear.

I would explore this because this is what I envision happening.

You will end it, based on this "gut feeling," which is actually your insecurity/anxiety and fear and once it's over and the anxiety and fear are gone, you will begin to second guess your decision, realize you jumped the gun and made a big mistake.

At this point, you will attempt to get her back.  Problem is if you have not resolved your insecurities and fears about close committed relationships, the same will happen again.

It can become a vicious cycle of push/pull, break up/get back which is emotionally exhausting and has the potential to cause a lot of emotional damage to the both of you.

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for this comprehensive feedback. What you're saying relates to me throughout and I get everything you're saying. I cannot say for sure that I know what is an "instinctive belief" or a "gut feeling". All of this may be my fear/paranoia. 

As the new year slides through January I'm not as caught up with thinking deeply about the matter anymore. Too much alcohol over the hols doesn't help either. Part of me now accepts that it takes a bit of bravery to back myself and just engage with the relationship with an open heart and not be so caught up with it being perfect. We get along great, still make each other laugh all the time etc. So, I'll just keep going and see what spring brings. Thank you.

[Artelius]

8 hours ago, JTSW said:

Has she done things in the past to make you think she may be a cheater?

You have a lack of trust so I'm assuming there is a reason.

Did your late friend/colleague know her? Did they interact before he passed?

1.No, she has not to my knowledge. One of her previous relationships (years before we met) was with a married man and she finds that funny. I found it abhorrent.  Her best friends husband lost his job and now that lady pays the family bills. My partner encourages her friend to leave the husband, now that he is not providing. I find this very harsh and alarmed me to a side of my partner I had not seen before.

2.Yes, he knew her. He made sure to have her phone number, sometimes called or texted her with silly jokes or to ask for me (e.g if my phone was off). He slept with at least 2-3 of the married wives within our peer group. People knew this and life went on as normal! So, yes they knew each other, communicated, she liked him (he was the lovable rogue), and she is an adventurous spirit who likes to enjoy life. None of this is evidence I know, I'm just answering your question. Thanks.

[Artelius]

12 hours ago, S2B said:

Why do you feel the need to marry her?

you have dated five years. No one says you have to marry her. Just continue dating her. At least until you’re absolutely sure you trust her.

Yes, thats what I will do. There are advantages for her if we marry as she knows I would treat a wife better than a girlfriend/partner. I have worked and accumulated material things in life and marriage would bring security for her materially. If she becomes my wife, that would make her family in my eyes and she knows that. So, marriage would be a big step up in lifestyle and security for her.

Thanks for you sensible advice which leaves me in a strong position and not giving all my freedom away.

[Artelius]

23 hours ago, glows said:

They mean polygraph, a lie detector test. 

Why did you decide to stay with her? Where do you see this relationship headed?

I've decided to stay because we have a great time together. And I connect with her better than anyone else I know either male or female. We get on great and have a great time. We make each other angry etc but we have a great time together.

I don't know where its headed. She wants the security of marriage (live off things I've earned) and has a fondness for the finer things in life. I like to work first and pay for things later. That's the biggest problem we have. She acts like its a mans role to provide her a lifestyle. I'm generous in nature and when I look back on the decades of my life I now realize so many people were using me. That's mostly what I'm defensive with her about. Like me paying her flights, for tours, for shows, meals etc. Its 2023. I thought ladies with jobs were able to help a bit with finances nowadays? When we are out doing things together I pay for 100% of everything. She act like "of course this is a mans duty to pay for all these fine things", which may be a gaslight, or might be what she actually believes. I still don't know which! Any blazing row we have had is due to her presumptuousness regarding my money and me biting back at her.

Edited January 10, 2023 by Artelius
spelling

[Artelius]

6 minutes ago, S2B said:

It’s a HUGE red flag that she finds it “funny” that she dated a married man!

funny? She helped someone ruin their marriage? Does she not get that?

her perspective would be enough for me to never date again! She has no morals.

She said that way back at the beginning of our relationship. It was an affair with some high ranking guy who was far away from home and  his wife. The wife never would have heard about it, but it didn't impress me when I heard about it.

[glows]

13 hours ago, Artelius said:

I've decided to stay because we have a great time together. And I connect with her better than anyone else I know either male or female. We get on great and have a great time. We make each other angry etc but we have a great time together.

I don't know where its headed. She wants the security of marriage (live off things I've earned) and has a fondness for the finer things in life. I like to work first and pay for things later. That's the biggest problem we have. She acts like its a mans role to provide her a lifestyle. I'm generous in nature and when I look back on the decades of my life I now realize so many people were using me. That's mostly what I'm defensive with her about. Like me paying her flights, for tours, for shows, meals etc. Its 2023. I thought ladies with jobs were able to help a bit with finances nowadays? When we are out doing things together I pay for 100% of everything. She act like "of course this is a mans duty to pay for all these fine things", which may be a gaslight, or might be what she actually believes. I still don't know which! Any blazing row we have had is due to her presumptuousness regarding my money and me biting back at her.

In some cases the man being the sole provider is accepted and the norm.

You’re on a sinking ship though trying to convince someone to be other than what you see. Her expectations don’t match yours. Maybe the chemistry is off the charts but you don’t trust her above all and think she’s entitled. 

[Alpacalia]

On 1/10/2023 at 1:50 PM, Artelius said:

1.No, she has not to my knowledge. One of her previous relationships (years before we met) was with a married man and she finds that funny. I found it abhorrent.  Her best friends husband lost his job and now that lady pays the family bills. My partner encourages her friend to leave the husband, now that he is not providing. I find this very harsh and alarmed me to a side of my partner I had not seen before.

What made her find being in a relationship with a married man funny? That she was rather flippant about it seems quite unusual.

With the other points you mention.

People don’t change. Well, to put it in another way, they are capable of changing only when they decide to do so in their own way.

The larger issue at play, rather than problematic habits, seems to be substantial differences in core values.

If you have a girlfriend that you really love but you wish she was smarter, kinder, less chatty, more tidy, contributes more, or whatever, than that sense of dissatisfaction will only grow and grow. The point is not that you need to love every single annoying thing, but it does mean that you have to accept and be able to live with it for the rest of your life.

Likewise, she must be open to your uniqueness and norms too.

[Juha]

Not so sure it was your gut feeling telling you anything, think you don't trust her based off of how her attitude is towards relationships based on her actions and beliefs.

Think you feel that she may have cheated based off of her past relationship with a married man and not finding it to be a big deal or a problem like you do

So that tells you she does not hold a committed relationship very highly and would do what she wanted

Her knowing you friend who passed away, talked with him n a regular basis it seems and liked him also casts some doubt with you

if she was faithful while you were away

 

Also your lifestyles do not seem compatible and how she thinks of you as her personal atm paying for everything.

It seems like that really bothers you, she is not going to change.

It is not easy finding someone you have great chemistry with, joking, laughing, getting along, etc.

It seems like you do not want your time invested in her to be wasted by dumping her and having to start over with someone new at some point.

 

Seems you have decided to stay with her even though you think she was not faithful while you were away and how she spends your money

having to pay for everything.   If you are happy I wish you luck

 

To me it does not seem like you are happy deep down

 

[smackie9]

 

I think you could casually talk about this guy with her after a bottle of wine, ....you know gossip, go over his shenanigans, maybe it will lead to into things, like ask hypothetically "You wouldn't sleep with that guy would you?" Then lead into saying "I don't know what women saw in him..." Then watch her reaction as the conversation carries on.