Sister's leaving her husband

[Weezy1973]

My sister is 52 and has decided to separate. They have 3 kids together, all teenagers now. They’ve been together for almost 30 years, married for 25. And it’s a shock to say the least. What’s most surprising is that there doesn’t really seem to be a reason for it. No infidelity. No abuse. They were a really good team. Raised their kids well. I’m having a hard time understanding exactly why she’s decided to blow up her family. And she can’t really articulate it either.
 

They did try marriage counseling but it sounds like it came down to him having certain personality traits she no longer liked. Primarily he’s kind of the strong silent type - he’s always been that way. But now she wants him to open up more but it’s just not in his nature. To me, if this is a dealbreaker you end things before choosing to have a family with someone. And it’s not like it was a surprise pregnancy. They were together for years before getting married and married for years before having kids. She knew what he was like and chose him to build a life together. And he’s a good guy. Good solid job, helped out around the house, built her home studio for her business, took care of all the home maintenance and renos, was fit and healthy, no addiction problems, not abusive is any way. 

 

I think she’s going through a mid life crisis. She’s had two main identities - mother and RMT - and with her kids way more independent and losing the physical strength to continue her career - things have changed in her life. I really doubt she’s having an affair - at least not a physical one. It’s possible she’s having an emotional affair, but still unlikely knowing her lifestyle. 
 

Anyways just venting really. I’m quite angry at her. Deciding to break up a family to me is a huge thing and would need to be caused by something pretty egregious. But it just seems like he doesn’t meet her needs anymore. Raised the kids that was his use and now that that’s mostly done, he’s useless to her. I feel bad for her kids. They were completely blindsided. Not like it was a toxic household. They’re bound to have trust issues now, knowing a partner can just leave for literally no reason, even after making marriage vows.

[glows]

It’s upsetting seeing a marriage end even from the outside. I’d remain apart from their reasons though.

Knowing the family dynamics and the ripple effect it has on everyone there’s a very strong likelihood she’s given you an extremely mild, watered down version of what’s really going on behind closed doors. I know that’s what I did when people had questions about my divorce. As horrible as it was I left out a great deal of details and will take most of it to my grave. It’s no one’s business what went on except my ex and I and he knows very well what I thought.

[FMW]

Maybe she can't articulate more of her reasons because she isn't ready to share.  You never truly know what is going on in someone else's life or marriage.

Unless she's behaving in ways or making other decisions that seem out of character and would make you worry something serious is going on with her mental health, I think you should try to respect her decision and not judge her.  You don't have to be happy about it, but acting angry and disapproving with her is not going to be helpful. Don't be an additional source of unhappiness during a time that's got to be very difficult for her, whether you think she's feeling that or not.  

It sounds like you're taking it personally with the comment about him being useless to her now that the kids are raised.  Feelings and relationships change over time for many reasons.  You don't really know what those reasons are, and even if you did, it's not your place to decide whether they merit divorce or not.  She doesn't need to explain herself to you.   

I know that sounds harsh, but having gone through a divorce with what most consider  "acceptable" reasons (multiple and continuing infidelities), it was still difficult for me to deal with divorce even though we had no children.  I felt all the guilt and related feelings that come with having a failed marriage.  I didn't take it lightly and I didn't want to discuss it with family or even many friends, it was private.  Six years later I still feel the same.  

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

M Raised their kids well. I’m having a hard time understanding exactly why she’s decided to blow up her family. 

Sorry this is happening. Agree there's probably some midlife crisis stuff in the mix.

How old are the children? Are they on their own? 

They both sound like good people, but you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

Read up on the "Grey Divorce" phenomenon. It's a strange combination of empty nest, physiological (and sexual) changes and fear of missing out.

Maybe that is why it's hard to put a finger on it. 

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

 What’s most surprising is that there doesn’t really seem to be a reason for it. No infidelity. No abuse. 

This is an unfair statement.  I'm sure someone wouldn't end a 30-year marriage for "no reason".  Obviously there are reasons and she has reasons that are personal to her.  She seems to you like she can't explain it because she probably doesn't feel comfortable going into it with you.  Your judgmental attitude about this, I'm sure, isn't exactly encouraging her to open up to you about the real reasons.  Nor does she owe you an explanation.

You don't know everything about the personal, inner dynamics of someone else's marriage.  I would recommend that you refrain from judging too much.  This is her life and she needs to do what she feels is right for her.  It's not really your place to be "angry" about it.  That's a bit of an odd reaction.  I can understand being surprised, shocked, confused.  But angry?  It's her life and she has the right to make these choices for herself as she sees fit.

[Weezy1973]

36 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How old are the children? Are they on their own? 

Kids are 18, 16 and 14. All still at home though the eldest will likely  move out soon. That’s the tough part for me. My sister says that she paid so much attention to raising the kids that she let the marriage connection fade. And I can see that. Most experts agree that the marriage should be prioritized over the kids. Her husband tried to do things like organize dates and whatnot but she was really singularly focused on the kids. I think why I’m angry is that from my view she was the cause of the problem by ignoring her marriage but now it’s her kids and husband that pay the price. Seems unfair to me. Although like many posters have said, I don’t necessarily know all the details. But from the outside it seems to connect. Also acknowledge that she’s doing whatever she thinks is best for her happiness. But when you pursuing happiness causes pain in others, including your kids, through no fault of their own, that doesn’t jive with my core values. But everybody has different values and I know that too. 

Edited December 22, 2022 by Weezy1973

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

 Seems unfair to me. Although like many posters have said, I don’t necessarily know all the details. But from the outside it seems to connect. Also acknowledge that she’s doing whatever she thinks is best for her happiness. But when you pursuing happiness causes pain in others, including your kids, through no fault of their own, that doesn’t jive with my core values. But everybody has different values and I know that too. 

You are certainly entitled to your opinion, that she basically should have stayed in the marriage for the kids, but she is not obligated to do that.  Lots of people with kids get divorced if the marriage is unhappy; that's life and that's just reality.  I hope you are keeping your opinions to yourself and not laying guilt on her for this, because that would be completely unhelpful and frankly, pretty out of line.

[Weezy1973]

18 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

 I hope you are keeping your opinions to yourself and not laying guilt on her for this, because that would be completely unhelpful and frankly, pretty out of line.

Yes - definitely not sharing these thoughts with her. Have spoken a bit to my wife and mom about it that’s it. Agree it would be totally out of line. I do recognize that would be out of line so would never unload on her. I’m sure she’s feeling very conflicted as it is. 

[Alpacalia]

This is a difficult time for all of you.

What is the alternative to this? Remaining in a deeply unfulfilling marriage? How long would you want to remain committed to a partner who no longer loves you, no longer cares about you or who no longer has any feelings for you?

Ideally, your sister will have given the partnership sufficient time to ensure she's not hasty about her feelings.

It isn't as if there was no effort on your sister's part. She did try marriage counseling.

The healing process and reconnecting with each other can't begin until she understands the root of the problem. Maybe she has no idea what THAT is. This is beyond her control, so you can't be angry with her.

Imagine all the people navigating relationships that may have been founded on genuine love and like, and have deteriorated over time into relationships where one is no longer capable of liking the other. Liking your partner is as important as loving him or her. You can’t tell someone 'You need to change A, B, C, and D' because it honestly just doesn’t work.

There is nothing wrong with her husband, she just doesn't like him anymore. 

[basil67]

Yes, this will be such a shock for the kids.  And for this reason, I bet she's tried everything she can to make it work before deciding that she has to do what's best for herself.  Would you really have her stay in this marriage for another 40 years or so for the single reason of not hurting others around her?   

[Atwood]

Your upset is understandable and it sounds like you are quite scared. I can imagine it’s very difficult watching someone you’re close to end their marriage over something you don’t fully understand, especially if you’re married yourself. Are you able to ask your wife for support? 
 

It is, of course, your sister’s choice. You won’t ever be able to fully understand what it’s been like for her so don’t try to. Support her as your sister and she will figure things out. Be mindful that your views towards what she’s doing are quite blameful and judgemental of her at the moment. We can’t blame people for falling in love with someone and hoping they’ll open up to them emotionally. Nobody gets into a relationship thinking their love won’t ever grow or deepen. She must have had to grieve what she hoped their relationship would be and it would have been extremely painful to let it go. 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Yes - definitely not sharing these thoughts with her.  

Divorce can affect the whole family in the sense that your nieces/nephews will always be your nieces and nephews.

After the initial shock subsides, it may be important to let them sort it out as amicably as possible and not take sides.

[Weezy1973]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

Would you really have her stay in this marriage for another 40 years or so for the single reason of not hurting others around her?   

It’s not “others”. It’s people she loves - or at least supposedly loves. Again I don’t know the details but she’s adamant her husband didn’t cheat, wasn’t toxic, no abuse, and this blindsided the kids so clearly not a toxic household. 
 

Also at play I suspect is how I was raised. Very few divorces amongst family and friends. My dad was very commitment minded and took marriage seriously. My parents got married young and worked on their marriage through the years. It was more volatile when they were young but they persevered and had a happy marriage - not perfect of course because that doesn’t exist - but happy until my dad died. That was my example - my sisters too I guess. 
 

And I know my sister wasn’t happy with the marriage in the end. But barring anything unexpected it seems as though she was the main cause of her unhappiness. To be clear she loved the family unit when the kids were young. She loved being a mom and the life she and her husband had built. Something changed. I get the feeling the main cause of her unhappiness is unrealistic expectations. I’m of the belief that your spouse can’t be your “everything”. For example  I like to talk politics, but my wife really doesn’t have much interest, so I talk to friends and family about it. I’m not sad my wife doesn’t care about politics - I love her just the way she is. She’s not designed for my happiness. My happiness is not her responsibility. My sister seems to have different views.

[mark clemson]

Sorry to hear about this Weezy. Sometimes people turn corners in life, and the reasons behind the change aren't always clear, sometimes even to them. You don't have to agree with her decision, but I'd suggest trying to be as supportive as you reasonably can under the circumstances.

Edited December 23, 2022 by mark clemson

[glows]

Yet all these are also perceptions from the outside - what you perceived your parents’ marriage might have been. We only know or see what the couple allows us to see but if one or both feel the need to hide or suppress themselves you won’t see that. It can be years and years of suppression or unease that no one else knows about. And many, many, many people live in denial. We see that on the forums every day. 

Your feelings of frustration are very valid but so are your sister’s. If what you say is correct she is also entitled to her views however realistic or unrealistic they are. You haven’t lived in her reality or been in her shoes. I can definitely appreciate that this seems difficult and jarring. Divorce usually is and has an effect on many family members. I do think it’s positive that you’re exploring what you feel and not putting this on her.

One thing I’ll never forget is the way my brother called me the morning he found out I was separating and asked me how I was doing. He was even there with a lawyer if I needed one. Words cannot describe how grateful I was to hear his voice and knowing he didn’t judge me regardless of how many questions he had. I think your sister deserves the same.

Edited December 23, 2022 by glows

[ShyViolet]

5 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Again I don’t know the details but she’s adamant her husband didn’t cheat, wasn’t toxic, no abuse,

You keep repeating this.  There doesn't have to be abuse or toxicity in order for someone to be justified in ending a marriage.  

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

You keep repeating this.  There doesn't have to be abuse or toxicity in order for someone to be justified in ending a marriage.  

Of course not. You can choose to end a marriage for any reason at all. My cousin has a chronic health condition and her husband divorced her as he apparently didn’t want to care for her anymore. Justifiable. But I felt I could relate much more to the anger my cousin felt as she was faced with divorce rather than the (justifiable) decision of her ex. And ironically there was a bit of judgment thrown his way from my sister! 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

Of course not. You can choose to end a marriage for any reason at all. My cousin has a chronic health condition and her husband divorced her as he apparently didn’t want to care for her anymore. Justifiable. But I felt I could relate much more to the anger my cousin felt as she was faced with divorce rather than the (justifiable) decision of her ex. And ironically there was a bit of judgment thrown his way from my sister! 

I understand there being a difference.  I can't imagine leaving a man who I loved who had become incapacitated by health.   But I have divorced a husband because the love was gone and I was miserable.  

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

But I have divorced a husband because the love was gone and I was miserable.  

Are you able to share what caused the love to be gone and made you miserable?

[basil67]

11 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Are you able to share what caused the love to be gone and made you miserable?

This was back in the 90's.  He had become eternally pessimistic, hated his job but wouldn't consider re-training for something else, he wouldn't leave the house on the weekend to do something nice with me, I'd have to go to events without him because of his anxiety and he wouldn't even keep me company while I grocery shopped...and refused marriage counselling.  In short, he turned into a misery-guts.

With hindsight, I suspect he was depressed...but mental health had such a low profile back then that we weren't aware it was a thing. 

 

[BaileyB]

How does her husband feel about this decision? Is he in agreement? Shocked? Sad? 

[Weezy1973]

On 12/25/2022 at 9:29 PM, BaileyB said:

How does her husband feel about this decision? Is he in agreement? Shocked? Sad? 

Not shocked, but he wants to stay married. They’ve been to marriage counseling for a couple years now, so it’s not really a surprise to him. I don’t think he really believes they’ll get divorced. Like I said there really isn’t any problem in the marriage. Even their counselor said the main thing about marriage is sharing the same core values and they do. It’s kind of a mystery. I think it’s possible my sister met someone else. Not someone she had an affair with or anything, but perhaps someone that gave her the idea that the grass might be greener on a different type of relationship or with a different type of person. Who knows really? Like I said she can’t even articulate it. 

[basil67]

She has articulated it: she’s tired of his strong silent type.  She doesn’t want to spend another 40yrs with someone who doesn’t let her in

[BaileyB]

I think this happens more than we may think - men/women who basically raise their children and then decide - this is not what I want for the rest of my life. 

If they have been going to marriage counselling for years, then this marriage has had problems for years. You may not understand her reasons, but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have very valid reasons for ending the relationship. As basil said, she may well be looking forward to a life where her children are grown and gone - does she want to stay married to a man who doesn’t communicate or show emotion? Apparently, her answer is no. To me, it takes great strength for her to make this decision and file for divorce. The fact that she has done so tells me that she is done - done trying, done asking, done sacrificing herself for a marriage that is not meeting her needs. 

[BaileyB]

ETA, this reminds me of my aunt and uncle. I don’t think they attended marriage counselling but they basically made each other miserable for many years. He eventually got to the point where he said - I have only a limited number of years, is this how I want to spend them? He left and it was very difficult (he actually left and went back, and left again). But in the end, they both established lives that made them happier. He had another relationship, he was able to do some travelling, I don’t think that he regretted his decision.